So, I wrote a lot. Is it good? Eh, its fine. Did I have fun? Yes, I did and that's what matters.

Also, I got a review! For the first time in years! Thank you! I miss stranger validation. So please, validate me. It's all I have this pandemic.

I would also like I say that I have only ever been in England once and that was literally 10 years ago so please forgive. I am but a humble American.

The plane to England was the longest plane ride of my life. Thankfully, they had in house movies to watch. Which didn't really help me. I almost wished I had my dissertation to work on. Almost. That was the one thing that always took my mind off of other nonsense.

Right now, that nonsense was Spencer.

My heart still ached thinking about it. About how I screwed up. Work at the BAU wasn't good enough. Especially seeing him every day.

"Hey, Blondie." Penelope poked me, pulling me from my thoughts. "I got a drink menu. Pick something out. My treat."

I took the paper from her hands and glanced at it. "Day drinking now?"

"We're on vacation to see our other best friend. Of course, we're day drinking."

When she put it like that, how could I refuse? I ordered a vodka cranberry and Penelope assured me that they would be kept coming. I wasn't sure how I felt about that, but if I drank slowly, like I did at her party for me, I would be fine. Getting drunk on a plane was not that appealing to me.

I must admit, a drink did me some good to loosen up and relax my mind. No work. No stress. No Spencer.

Until Penny brought him up again.

"This was such a great idea, Dolly. A nice break from our rather dimwitted Boy Genius will do you some good." She sipped her cosmo, giving me the side eye. I know she wanted me to either confirm how dumb he is and give her more details or she wanted me to defend him and give her more details. There was a theme.

"Garcia." I rolled my head away from the window and towards her. "I told you everything that happened. He doesn't want to be with me. I'm not a reliable enough girlfriend. The end."

She huffed, taking another sip of her drink. "I still think there's more."

"Think all you want," I muttered, going back to looking out the window.

I was dreading the next day at work. My heart was racing as I entered the building and made my way to the elevator. As I stepped in and pressed the button to the BAU floor, I thought I had made it. Of course, right as the doors started to close, Spencer darted in, barely making it.

"I'm sorry," he said, slightly out of breath. "I didn't realize you were in here."

"It's fine." I kept my eyes straight ahead at the numbers above the doors. "We're going to the same place."

The tension was palpable as the elevator seemed to move slower than usual. I just wanted to get out, go to my office, and bury myself in work.

"Lila, about yesterday-" he started quickly.

I didn't look at him. "Spencer, I really don't want to discuss any part of yesterday, thank you."

"Sure," he said, and I could see out of the corner of my eye he was pulling at the strap of his messenger bag. "But that last part before you left… when you asked if she made me happy…"

I sighed. "If you haven't told anyone I'm not about to blow your cover. Regardless of how I feel. That's your business."

"Thank you." He sounded relieved. Before anything else awkward could happen, we reached our floor. I wasted no time in stepping out and going straight to work.

I dozed on and off during the flight. Thankfully, Penelope didn't bring up Spencer again. He was the last person I wanted to think about during a girl's vacation.

When we finally landed, Emily was there waiting for us. "Oh my god!" I shouted followed by Penelope's, "My love!" We both took off running towards her, which was probably a mistake for me. I felt a little pleasantly tipsy from the alcohol. Despite not running in a straight line, we both made it to her and engulfed her in a huge hug.

"I've missed you guys!" She basically cried, hugging us back.

"We missed you too!" Penelope said, squeezing hard.

"It's been way too long!" I added, feeling a bit overwhelmed. Tears were prickling the corners of my eyes. It felt so good to see my friend again.

She helped us collect our bags and led us out to where she parked her car. "It's going to be weird driving back," she said, getting into the left side. "If you're not used to driving on the opposite side, it might look like we're going to get into multiple crashes. I assure you; I only intend to crash a few times." She laughed as Penelope and I looked at each other in panic. "I'm kidding," Emily said as Penny got in on what should be the driver side but was not. I got into the back.

"I've never been overseas before," I said, glancing out the window as Emily started to pull away. It was strange watching the cars.

"Well," Emily said as she avoided what did look like was going to be a collision. Maybe watching traffic wasn't a good idea. "I'm honored coming to see me is your first experience."

The drive to the hotel wasn't too long. We arrived, checked in, and unloaded our stuff fairly quickly. The room was a lot smaller than I anticipated, though Emily did warn us that sizes here were a lot different than back home. The two beds looked maybe smaller than twin size and there was just barely enough room to squeeze in a tiny table in the corner. The adjoining bathroom was also excessively small.

When we were done unpacking our things, Emily suggested some place to eat. As we had just been nibbling on snacks the whole seven-hour plane ride, we were of course hungry. We were also feeling jet lagged. The time change made everything seem weird. Off.

Instead of going out, Emily offered to just run out and bring the food back. We could eat in our hotel in comfy clothes. Besides being in a literal different country, it felt like your basic girls' night. That's what I wanted. A night with my friends where I could decompress.

"So, tell me," Emily started, spreading out on one of the beds. "I'm honored that you guys came to visit, but I feel like I'm missing part of the story."

Of fucking course.

Loudly, Penelope cleared her throat. "That's what I have been saying." She spoke to her food, as she sat at the small table. "But someone in this room, who shall remain nameless." I rolled my eyes. "Has been keeping quiet."

If I wasn't worried about being charged for a deep cleaning, I would have tossed my food from my bed, across the room, at her. "Subtle, Garcia."

"Don't 'Garcia' me when you know I'm right," she grumbled, still not looking at me.

"Okay," Emily chimed in, "I don't need to be a profiler to know something is going on here."

I grunted, kicking my feet against the bed. "Fucking- Fine! Fine! I'll give you," I pointed at Penelope, "a play by play of what happened at your party."

I wasn't drunk, but I felt good. The alcohol making me feel warm and happy. With a silly smile, I moved closer to Spencer. "Thank you so much for helping Penny orchestrate this ridiculous, yet super fun, party." I kept my hand on his leg, pleased that he didn't flinch away.

He smiled too. "It was actually kind of fun. Garcia likes to go all out."

"She does," I laughed. "She does. That's why she's one of my best friends."

Penelope gasped, "Aw! Dolly! That's so sweet!"

"Yes, you're amazing and also a pain in my ass," I said. "Can I finish please?"

"Right, sorry." She held up her hands. "Continue."

He glanced down at me, a piece of hair falling into his face. "You need a haircut." Removing my hand from his leg, I gently moved the hair back. "Your hair keeps hiding your eyes."

"Yeah, guess I do," he breathed, still smiling. Maybe blushing too as I trailed my fingers then down his cheek.

A beat of silence passed. My eyes flickering from his to his lips that were now so close to mine. "I really want to kiss you right now," I said, fingers still on his cheek. So easy to turn his head, just a bit, so I could kiss him.

His eyes darted to my drink that was still in my other hand. "You've been drinking," he tried to reason. "Alcohol lowers inhibition making you do things you wouldn't normally do."

I set the drink Penelope always made sure I had down. "Spencer," I said, readjusting. Giving him my full attention. "You've been around me when I'm really drinking. You know what that looks like on me. Do you really think that right now I'm so drunk I couldn't consent to kissing you?"

He hesitated a moment before kissing me. His earnest and eagerness caught me off guard. Clearly, he was feeling the urge to kiss me too.

It started out like the few kisses we had shared in the past. Simple. Sweet. But then his hands were tangling themselves in my hair and my tongue was in his mouth. There was a desperation there that hadn't been before.

Pushing myself up onto my knees was easy. Wearing a dress gave my legs more freedom to move. Spencer followed my movements, his lips still attached to mine. Big hands cupping my face. It was easy, natural, to just swing my one leg over him. Straddling.

Feeling a bit nervous, I didn't fully sit. I kept myself hoisted above his lap. I felt more level with him. My hands splayed on his chest, helping me keep my balance, I tentatively took his lip between my teeth. Biting. He responded with the same vigor, pulling me closer to him.

His hands were warm as they slid down my neck and slipped under the top of the cardigan I was wearing. His message was loud and clear. Maintaining our kiss, I shook my arms behind me, causing the fabric to fall from my body and onto the floor.

"You were getting naked!?" Penelope basically screamed.

I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they might get stuck that way. "It was a cardigan! The one I always wear because I get cold. I would hardly consider taking it off, which is something I do frequently since it's a fucking cardigan, getting naked."

"Still!" She cried. "You left out so much information! He was taking your clothes off! This is huge!"

"It doesn't fucking matter because here we fucking are!" I wildly gestured around me. "In a hotel with Emily in another goddamn country!"

With a very professional voice, Emily interjected. "I'm going to pretend that didn't sound like a jab at me. And as someone who hasn't heard any of this story, I would like Lila to continue."

Kissing Spencer was heaven. So easy to get lost in him. Hands roaming his face, his soft hair, his chest. There wasn't a part of him I didn't want to touch. There was a hunger in him, too. The way he held me close, bit my lip, grabbed my waist.

I let myself succumb to his intoxication more. Lowering myself to sit on his lap fully. God, the feeling of how turned on he was pressing against me. I melted.

His fingers dug deeper into my hips as my weight was fully on him. I gasped, the first one to fully break our kiss. "Fuck, Spencer," I moaned in euphoria, resting my head in the crook of his neck. His erection was searing against my inner thigh. Before I could think about it, I rolled my hips, making him now press against my own clothed desire.

In an instant his body froze, becoming rigid. I quickly picked my head up, feeling the tonal shift. "Spence…?"

He easily pushed me off of him. "I'm sorry," he said in a haste.

My heart was pounding in my ears as my blood was trying to recirculate in my body. "No, I'm sorry." I tried to reach out and touch his face. "Was that too much?"

"No, I just…" He pulled away from me and refused to meet my eyes. "I have to go."

"If I did something wrong-"

"It's getting late." He jumped up from the couch. "Statistically there are more accidents on the road at night-"

"Spencer, please." I rose too. "Talk to me."

"It's much safer to be home-"

"Spence…"

"Congratulations again." He was out the door then, never meeting my eyes.

"Then I took a couple of shots because I was upset and just, ah!" I kicked my feet. "Felt so frustrated and I still do."

I summed up the rest of the interactions for Emily. About the next day going to see Spencer, him saying he didn't want to be with me. Of course, leaving out the part about the other woman because even though I'm hurt and upset I'm not going to betray him like that. He'd never trust me if I did.

"That's how we ended up here," I finally finished, needing another drink after reliving that.

"Well," Emily started, "I can't say I'm upset you're here, but I wish you had better motives for coming out."

"I know. We suck for waiting so long," I said, leading back against the bed. "The worst."

"I didn't mean it like that." She tossed a napkin at me. "You know that. I really liked you and Reid together. I'm sorry things didn't go as planned."

"It's… fine," I huffed, feeling down again. "It's my fault for being indecisive and dragging my ass. I should have just shoved my tongue down his throat at JJ's wedding and we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Penelope quickly rose to her feet. "Well, none of that matters anymore, you hear me? We are in another country with sexy British men with sexy British accents. We are going to have a great time and we're not going to think about anyone from back home!" She declared happily and it actually made me excited too.

Xoxo

Being with Emily was what I needed. Having a girl's night almost every night was amazing. She took some vacation time during the first couple of days of our visit, so we were able to be together twenty-four seven. She showed us all the major sites, she had us eating all the best food, and showed us exactly the best places to be typical American tourists.

"This is the best vacation I have ever been on," I said, laughing with Penelope and Emily as we walked out of another shop. Penelope and I both had bags filled to the brim with ridiculous souvenirs. Anything and everything with a British flag on it.

"The team is going to love all this!" Penelope exclaimed, looking through her bag again. "They're gonna be so jealous."

"Hell yeah!" I laughed again, feeling so incredibly happy and thankful to be with my friends. It felt like nothing could ruin this high.

Not paying attention to where I was going as I was too busy watching Penelope pull out her items, I crashed into someone. "I'm so sorry…" I rushed, hoping I wouldn't be pegged as a stupid American tourist. "I wasn't-" I froze. "Jesus fucking christ."

I didn't know anyone else who could travel around the world to get away and end up literally bumping into their ex. "Ben."

"Wow," he said, just as bewildered as I was. Reaching out, he grabbed my shoulders to steady me, so I didn't fall. "Lila. I can honestly say I didn't expect to see you here."

"I second that," I muttered, not in the mood to relive this part of my past.

"And I third," Penelope but in, coming to my rescue. "What a surprise. Great to see you." She then muttered, "I think."

"Nice to see you too." He either didn't hear the last part or didn't care. "All of you."

"Why are you here?" I cut to the chase, incredibly confused.

"Remember when I was talking about my cousin studying abroad in England during his undergrad and met this really cute girl?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, now they're getting married and I'm in the wedding party."

"Ah," I said, "well, congratulations to him. And, um, yeah. Nice running into you."

I started to walk away but he grabbed my arm lightly. "Hey, um, I know this is really weird and whatnot, but I have some free time tonight if you wanted to get together? Catch up a bit?"

"Um…" I glanced at Emily and Penelope. They gave me sympathetic smiles and shrugged. Not helpful. "Okay, fine. That would be great."

A huge smile that I did really miss broke out across his face. "Great," he said, telling me which hotel he was staying at. Of course, it was just down the road from ours.

A few more pleasantries were exchanged before he left, supposedly going to get some drinks with the rest of the groomsmen.

"What are the fucking odds," I said, resisting the urge to look back at him. Watching him walk away was always nice.

"I'll say," Penelope added, keeping her voice low. "There's no way he would have known and followed you out here?"

I genuinely laughed. "No way! Ben is not that type of guy to stalk me. And if he was, he would have done that as soon as we broke up. Besides, the thing with his cousin is totally legit. She came out here one Christmas when Ben and I were still together, and I met her at his family party. She's super sweet."

"That's still crazy odds," Emily chimed in. "And you really wanna see him later tonight?"

"Well, I'm not sure," I said. "I guess we'll see how things go."

Xoxo

I was huffing as I dashed around Ben's hotel room, picking up discarded clothes. "What a mistake. What a fucking mistake."

"It's been a while since you shouted that after sex," Ben tried joking, watching me as he stayed in his bed. He didn't bother trying to cover himself.

All that did was make me fume more. "I cannot do this, Ben. Not again."

"Why not?" He asked so sincerely it almost broke my heart. "I miss you, Li."

I started to dress. "Ben, please." I clasped my bra behind me. "I… You're making this harder than it has to be."

"It doesn't have to be hard." He pushed himself up, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Still fully naked. Muscles still looking amazing. "We ran into each other today for a reason. I know we did."

I shook my head, avoiding his eyes as I stepped into my underwear. "It is weird, I'll give you that."

"See?" He got up and came over to me. "Think about it. We both came to a different country and somehow, we met. That has to be a sign."

"Ben…"

"I miss you, Lila. I miss us." He put his hands on my shoulders. "Long distance sucks ass, but I know we could make it work."

I would be lying if I said I never thought of it. I did. Not as frequently as before but the thought still crosses my mind. We could do long distance. For how long? I don't know. But Ben is easy. I know him. I know what a relationship with him is. We could make it work.

But would I be happy? Enough, I guess. Was that good enough for me? It was the easy choice for sure. And part of me wanted to agree with him. To try. But there it was again, that back and forth that I did that Spencer called me out on. He didn't trust me with his heart, and I can see why.

"Yeah," I said, looking up to meet his gaze. "I don't doubt that we could make a long-distance relationship work."

His eyes fell. "I'm sensing a but."

"But for how long? I don't have any desire to leave D.C."

"In a year or so I can request a transfer out there."

"But what would that cost you? How much happiness?"

"Less that it takes being away from you."

I signed, pulling away from his hold. His touch was making it harder to think. "This is your dream job. You can't give that up for me."

"I'm not." He followed me as I went to sit on the bed. "I'm changing my dream." The bed dipped when he sat next to me.

He grabbed my hand and I let him. "We were talking about getting married." His grip tightened while he spoke. "We love each other."

"I never said I didn't love you, Ben. I just…" I trailed off, unsure how to put everything into words.

A beat of silence. "You've never been this disinterested in getting back together. It's not like you."

"Actually, I think I'm becoming more like me."

We sat there for a moment. Him holding my hand but neither of us looking at each other. "It's because of that Dr. Reid, isn't it?" He didn't sound as accusatory as I thought he would. More sad. And hurt.

"Spencer and I aren't together," I replied.

"That's not an answer to what I asked."

I took my hand away and turned towards him. Giving him my full attention. "It's not because of Spencer. He helped me realize some things, but it's not because of him. I… I gave that up trying to get over you and I'm not about to put myself in that position again."

"Then don't," he pleaded. "You don't have to get over me."

"Narcissist," I chided without humor. He kind of was.

"You know what I mean." He grabbed my hands again. "We can just be together."

Yet again, I pulled away. "I can't Ben. This back and forth with us isn't good."

"Then we can-"

I quickly stood up. "Ben!" I nearly screamed. "This is what we do every time! And I can't go through that again!"

He didn't say anything, just sat silently as I grabbed the rest of my clothes and dressed. "I need to go," I said once I was done.

There was no move to stop me as I put my shoes on and walked towards the door. "I hope you find happiness, Ben," I said before walking out. I left quickly before he could say anything, not that I thought he would.

Strangely, there were no tears as I walked out and away, back to my hotel with Penelope. Ben was in the past, for good. A quickie in another country wasn't going to change that. I felt confident in my decision. It wasn't easy. It was scary and hard, and I didn't know what would happen but I knew I didn't want to be with Ben anymore. The time away from him and Spencer's rejection helped make that crystal clear. I just wish I had realized it sooner.

We made it through another chapter! And I still don't really know what I'm doing anymore! Life is great! Stay tuned till next time as I blindly type words and hope they make a coherent story!