Chapter Twenty Four: Conversations

Sirius sat next to his godson in silence as the hospital staff cleaned up around him. Lucy and Remus had tried to convince him to leave, to let the staff do their jobs. But Sirius had just shook his head. He looked so desperate… so scared… 'Please, don't touch me,' he begged. Sirius sighed and gently took Harry's hand. The boy was obviously no longer conscious, but Sirius didn't want him to feel alone.

A few people milled about him cleaning up the debris, Lucy had taken Remus out to speak with Harry's doctors about how to proceed. Sirius knew that Remus wanted him to come as well, but he couldn't bring himself to leave Harry.

"I'm sorry kid," He said quietly, ignoring the people around him. "I'm sorry we didn't see that you were struggling. I should have seen it pup, I've been where you are." He sighed and buried his head in his hands. "I can't help but wonder how your dad would have handled this situation."

"I doubt he could have handled it any better than you have."

Sirius shot his head up, and saw Lucy standing in the doorway. "How long have you been there?" He asked.

She smiled and walked in, picking up an overturned chair to take a seat next to him. "Long enough to know that you are beating yourself up for something that is not at all your fault… But then again, I knew that before I came in."

Sirius shook his head and chuckled "Did Remus tell you to come check on me?"

"He didn't have to," Lucy admitted "But yes, he let me know that you and Harry have had some similarities in your upbringing… He's worried about you."

Sirius shook his head "What I went through was nothing, compared with Harry's experience."

"It doesn't matter Sirius, abuse is abuse… it has an impact on us."

He sighed, choosing to look at Harry instead of Lucy, somehow that was easier. "My parents were not… kind… they were never loving people, it just wasn't their way. I can hardly blame them,they simply raised us the way their parents raised them." He paused, expecting Lucy to comment, but when she didn't he continued. "We were a fairly typical dysfunctional family. Of course magic gave my mother a bit of an edge. I knew from an early age that she was unwell… but we had to protect the family name. Once I was sorted into Gryffindor, it got worse. I was only a bit younger than Harry when the Potters caught onto what was happening and took me in. It was nothing official of course, but I was a disgrace to the name Black, so there was no protest when I stopped coming home for breaks."

Lucy smiled sadly "I'm sorry Sirius, no child should have to grow up without love. It sounds as though the Potters were very kind and helpful."

He nodded "Of course, they treated me like their own, did everything they could to help me. I wasn't always particularly receptive… and they were a bit out of their depth. James was always up to trouble, but it was innocent trouble making… nothing like…" Sirius trailed off, not sure he wanted to finish the statement.

"Caring for abused children has unique challenges, as we were talking about earlier."

Sirius laughed "Yes, I was just thinking about that. I don't know that I've ever thought about it that way before, but it probably would have saved us some headaches."

Lucy cocked her head to one side, "Did they ever have you speak with a therapist? I know that Harry mentioned to me at one point this summer that you had started to see a therapist then?"

Sirius blushed "I guess I'm more like Harry than I would care to admit… The Potters encouraged me to get help as a teen, but I vehemently refused… They actually forced me to go once, after an incident at school, and I refused to speak the whole time I was there. I did a few stints in the psych ward here as well actually. My parents liked to have me committed and tell everyone I was crazy when I started fighting back. In fact, that was how I met Harry's mother, the summer before our first year." He bit his lip and laughed softly.

Lucy smiled, "I don't know that I've heard much about Harry's parents. You and Remus were good friend's with his father, right?"

Sirius nodded, "Yeah, James and I were best mates. But I always had a special bond with Lily to… I guess it's understandable, when you meet each other at your lowest points like that."

Lucy paused for a moment, then asked, "Do you mind if I ask why Lily was in the hospital? Some mental health disorders are thought to have a genetic component. It may help Harry to know that he isn't the only one in his family who struggled."

Sirius nodded "Of course, she um, she had anxiety, to the point of panic attacks. They caused bouts of accidental magic, and she ended up in the hospital for a few weeks while they got things under control. She continued to go to therapy for most of her time at Hogwarts, and had a few admissions during that time for similar issues." They were both silent for a bit, then Sirius added, a bit randomly, "I did start going this past summer, after Harry was hospitalized… it was suggested that I could set a good example for Harry. But I stopped going shortly after he returned to school… I didn't even tell Remus for a while."

"Why did you stop?" Lucy asked gently.

He shook his head, glancing up from Harry, to look at the therapist for a moment. "I don't know… I didn't want to do it anymore." He said lamely, then added, "It was hard… and" He blushed again, chuckling to hide his embarrassment. "My therapist made some very astute observations that I didn't want to hear… So I never went back."

Lucy smiled "that's not an uncommon problem Sirius, there is no reason to be ashamed. Children who grow up in dysfunctional settings face a lot of challenges. The attachment problems that we spoke about earlier with Harry, are probably just as applicable to you. Unfortunately it is common for adults who were abused as children to struggle with therapy. And people who've had trouble with attachment often retreat and distance themselves when they feel like someone knows them too well or can see through them."

"Huh, I guess I can see that" Sirius said sheepishly "Any advice on how one of these adults might conquer that?"

Lucy smiled "The same way we're going to help Harry do it. You have to learn how to have healthy attachments, which is hard, and uncomfortable. It's generally a person with attachment issues' biggest fear. I would encourage any such person to pursue therapy, and work with their loved ones on connecting and being honest." She smiled at him kindly "Sirius, I know you are beating yourself up about not seeing that Harry was struggling, but you are the person that Harry can relate to the most here. And if you can be honest with him about how you are coping, especially when you are struggling, you can be a huge help to Harry."

Sirius nodded and smiled "thank you Lucy, that is very helpful."

TW: description of tube feeding & physical restraint use

Harry woke with a start, it wasn't a slow wondering where he was, memories of his outburst, of the flashbacks, of what Lucy had said, slapping him in the face.

He gulped air like someone who had been drowning. He lurched forward, trying to sit up, ready to run, to fight. Only to find himself being dragged down by something. He swung his head around for a moment before his eyes registered the restraints on his arms. That was when the panic really set in. He took stock of himself, he was lying in a hospital bed, in the same room he had been in before, his wrists were strapped to the bed by thick white ties, an IV dripped slowly into his arm, and a tube had been shoved up his nose.

He followed the tube, to a small pump with a large bag of yellow liquid resembling pudding, or formula, above it. That is going into my stomach, he thought in horror. Instinctively he reached to rip it out, forgetting that his wrists were tied down.

A nurse rushed in, coming into his view with a smile. "Harry, you're okay Harry" she said calmly as she read the monitors that were just out of Harry's view. "How are you feeling?"

I'm getting awfully sick of that question, Harry thought bitterly. "Why can't I move my arms?" His voice surprised him, coming out whiny and hoarse.

The nurse sighed and gave him a sympathetic look. "Sorry kiddo, you got a little upset earlier, and we can't risk you pulling out that tube."

"I won't," he replied far too quickly.

She smiled again, "How are you feeling Harry?" She asked again.

He scowled, looking away and biting his lip. You're 15 years old dammit, you're not going to cry. This is humiliating enough as it is. "Fine" he practically spat.

"How is your stomach? Are you feeling nauseous at all? Unfortunately discomfort and bloating is a bit normal, but we don't want you throwing up."

Harry rolled his eyes "no, that would be awful," he spat sarcastically.

The nurse, who according to her name tag was named Sylvia, crossed her arms and gave him a long look. "You were pretty upset earlier, do you want to talk about it?"

Harry stared out the window and shook his head slightly.

Sylvia nodded, "okay, I have some charting to do, but if you need anything press this button." She handed him a small button attached to a cord. "If you can keep from breaking anything over the next few hours, maybe we can get those restraints off, okay?"

Harry nodded, still avoiding eye contact.

Once she left his eyes wandered around the room. He tried to find anything to think of besides the thick syrup being pumped into his stomach. He stared at the clock, at the cabinet that was now empty, it had been full of vials. He vaguely remembered them shattering before everything went black. He blushed at the thought, despite the fact that he was alone.

All alone, he thought miserably wow, I actually wish that Remus and Sirius were here. That thought seemed to tip him over the edge, and before he knew it, tears were sliding silently down his cheeks. With his hands strapped to the bed there wasn't a thing he could do about it either.

I've really messed things up haven't I? They're never going to trust me again… I don't know why they're bothering to bring me home… it would be better if they sent me off somewhere so I didn't bother them.

Harry was still thinking along this vein when Sylvia came back to check on him. To her credit, the nurse pretended not to notice the dampness on his cheeks .

"So, nothing broken?" She said with a smirk. "How about we get those off?"

Harry swallowed hard, and nodded eagerly.

She put something down on the counter and came over to his bedside. "Now, we need to make a deal." She said seriously. "If I take these restraints off, I need you to promise not to pull any of the tubes out, or mess with them. If you do, we will just put another one back in, and it isn't a pleasant procedure."

Harry chewed his lip for a moment, another non choice, he thought bitterly. But he didn't want the restraints on, and there didn't seem to be a point in letting them stay on out of protest. "Fine," he said miserably, his eyes wandering to the bag of formula that was still pumping away.

Sylvia smiled broadly "Thank you Harry, I know this is hard for you." She quickly undid both of the arm restraints, then the ones on his legs. Harry immediately curled himself into a tight ball as she reached back for something she had set on the counter.

End TW

It was a small vial, which she handed to him. "It's a calming draught," she offered.

Harry normally would have protested, he wasn't a baby and he didn't need to be pandered to. But he was too tired to fight. And something to ease the knot in his stomach didn't sound so bad.

He gulped it down in one go making a face at the bitter aftertaste. Sylvia quickly produced a plastic cup of water, which he took gratefully. After taking a few sips he handed it back, but she placed it on the table beside his bed, where he could reach it.

"Now, do you need to use the restroom?"

He wanted to say no, to say in the relative safety of his bed. He wasn't entirely sure he was allowed out of bed, or allowed to be alone unsupervised, and the idea of using a bedpan or something, or even having her follow him into the bathroom seemed too awful to consider. But he did really have to go.

He nodded, and she stepped back, putting the bed rail down so that Harry could swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Take it easy," she instructed, "you might be feeling a bit dizzy, your body isnt used to being upright."

Harry did as instructed and sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for the worst of the dizziness to pass.

Once he stood, Sylvia offered him her arm, which he accepted despite his cheeks burning.

The nurse, sensing his embarrassment, smiled "it's not often I have a young man on my arm" she said with a wink. "Do you think if I get you to the bathroom and wait outside the door, you'll be alright on your own?"

Harry nodded quickly, finding that he was too out of breath to respond. By the time he got back into bed (with an embarrassing amount of help from the nurse) he was exhausted.

Sylvia smiled sympathetically, and tucked the blankets around him. "It's a lot of work, isn't it?" She asked quietly.

Harry shrugged "it shouldn't be."

She smiled again, "well, I know the doctors have told you that your heart has been damaged. Our hearts kind of run the show, so if they aren't at their best, it's hard for anything else to be.

Harry appreciated that she didn't say he had damaged his heart, although he knew that was the truth. "I really messed things up, didn't I?" He asked quietly.

Sylvia had finished with the covers now, but continued to bustle around the room, keeping her hands busy. "Perhaps, but nothing is beyond repair."

Harry glanced at the tube draining calories into his stomach. "And if I don't want it repaired…" he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

Now Sylvia stopped, and met his eyes, just looking at him for a long time. "Then we will help you to stay safe, until you do want it." She paused, seeming to reign in an emotion that Harry couldn't identify. "We can't force you to recover Harry, that choice is in your hands. But we will do our best to keep you safe until you're ready for it. Because I promise you Harry, one day you are going to wake up, and realize that life has been passing you by while you worry about the calories and the weight and the food. One day you are going to realize that being unhappy is infinitely worse than being fat."

Harry bit his lip and broke away from her stare, after a moment she left the room, quietly reminding him to call if he needed her. He stared at the stupid feeding tube, and blinked tears away from his eyes. See, she thinks you're fat. He thought to himself viciously. But a small voice, deep inside him, one that he hadn't heard in a long time, whispered to him that she was right, and that just maybe he was ready now.