So... I finished all my classes and I graduate with my Master's next week. What the heck!? I literally started this back when I was just thinking about going back to school and now I'm finishing? That's so crazy. Sorry, I accidently took a Master's long hiatus. That was never my intention. I kinda know what I'm doing? I realize now I fucking hate slow burns yet dumbass me decided to write a slow burn.

Anyways, thank you the people how commented! It honestly makes me so happy when I see those emails.

Two minutes. I missed my fucking train by two minutes. The next one wouldn't be for another hour. I could either sit here at the station and wait, get a super expensive cab, or awkwardly go back to work. Waiting seemed like the least painful option.

Thankfully, I had a book with me. I had originally got it when I was still working toward my PhD and just never ended up using it. It still fascinated me, so I kept it, slowly making my way through since I didn't have my doctoral deadline anymore.

I was content reading. People mulled past, going this way and that. Since there wasn't a train at my station anytime soon, people just passed by. When someone sat down next to me, I perked up.

"Oh," I said as Spencer pulled his messenger bag onto his lap. "Hi."

"Hey," he said. "I thought you left already."

"I missed it by a couple minutes. Stupid red lights."

"Yeah, those can extend the walk to the station up to seven minutes if you hit every one."

I turned my attention back to my book. "I'll make sure to add seven minutes to my walk next time then."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pull out a book as well. Something old and beat up. Typical for him. He was flipping the pages at light speed, which was also typical for him. Though, I couldn't tell if he was reading or not. I know I wasn't.

I shut my book, not bothering to mark my place. "Why are you sitting next to me?" I cocked my head, looking over at him.

"We're friends?" He peaked over at me. "I'd rather sit next to you than someone random. I figured you'd feel the same."

"Oh," I repeated, almost feeling foolish. "Yeah, I guess I would."

"I can move if you want. I don't mind." He shut his own book and put it back in his bag, getting ready to get up.

I reached out, placing my hand on his leg. The material felt rougher than I remembered it feeling. Maybe my hands are more sensitive than my legs. "No," I said. "Stay."

Nodding, he eased back into the seat. There was a beat of silence before I realized that my hand was still on him. I removed it quickly, the fast motion bringing more attention to it than I wanted. "Sorry," I mumbled, bringing my hand back to my own lap. It already felt cold.

"Lila," he said, and I knew his eyes were on me but I didn't want to look. "What's going on? You've barely spoken to me since you got back from England with Garcia. You're extra jumpy whenever we're near each other, like now. I know the night of your party-"

"We hardcore made out and I was humiliated the next day," I snapped, annoyed at him. "Forgive me for not wanting to chit chat with you every day after that."

"Forgive me," he emphasized, "but every other time something like that happened and I was the one humiliated you would come back and practically beg for things to go back to normal since we're friends. Now, suddenly with the roles reversed and you're acting like we can't talk anymore."

I groaned, my fingers tightening around the book in my lap. "It's not the same. You're seeing someone else-"

"And you were still with Ben that day at work where you were trying to help with my headaches. We almost kissed."

"That's not-"

"You were single when we kissed at JJ and Will's wedding which is arguably worse."

"You just don't get it, Spencer," I pleaded, still not looking at him. My eyes were unfocused on the people still walking past, not paying us any attention.

"Then help me!" He nearly shouted. Thankfully, no one was by us because I'm sure that would have drawn attention. "Help me understand so we can move past this."

I shook my head, biting back a humorless laugh. "I can't just pretend that didn't happen. I can't pretend like… like I don't think about what you felt like under me." I added the last part in a softer voice, leaning closer to him.

"That's fair," he replied, matching my tone.

My eyes had been on my hands. The thought of gazing into Spencer's made my heart ache and my stomach twist. But he wasn't moving. And neither was I. Biting my lower lip, I lifted my gaze to meet his. He was staring at me, maybe through me. It made me uneasy, but I also didn't want him to look away.

"I guess..." he started after a moment of us just looking at each other. "I guess we crossed some line then."

I nodded, being the one to look away and straighten up. "Wanting you to touch me and actually knowing what it feels like when you touch me are different. I'm sorry if this makes me a hypocrite but I can't stop thinking about it and…" My eyes darted towards him. He was still watching me, hanging on my words. "Spence… I wouldn't have stopped on my own accord."

I didn't look at him. I didn't want to. The silence was uncomfortable and deafening. The ringing of both of our phones was normally a sound I dreaded but now was a gift.

He had it out and reacted before I could. "It's Garcia," he said.

I grabbed my phone as well. Reading the same message, he had. We got a new case.

Xoxo

A shower felt so good. After 24 hours of go go go, I was relieved that Hotch told me to take a few hours to myself. This wasn't uncommon on hard cases. Each of us rotating some time in our hotel rooms. Sometimes a quick refresh helps reset your brain.

Moments after I stepped out of the bathroom, there was a knock on the hotel door.

"Fuck," I swore silently, clutching the towel around myself.

I took a glance through the peephole and saw Spencer standing there. Without hesitation I opened the door. "I swear," I said as it swung. "These killers don't give us a break." I turned my back towards him as he stepped in. "If I have to tell one more person that their loved one is dead because some sick freak decided to play god and cut off someone else's leg and sew it on-"

I heard the door close during my rambling. Reaching my bed for the time being, I began rooting through the go bag that was on top for clean clothes.

"That's not-" Spencer started. "I came here to talk to you."

I froze, turning around to face him. Awkwardly, he stood by the door, pulling at the hem of his sweater vest.

I stared at him for a moment. "Seems like a terrible time but sure."

"I know this isn't ideal-"

"We're on a case and I'm in a towel."

His eyes quickly surveyed my state. Clearly fresh out of the shower. "Oh. Right." He turned around and covered his eyes. "Sorry, I just…"

I huffed and quickly pulled out the clothes I had intended to wear. I was thinking of slinking past him to the bathroom to change but I didn't want that close proximity. I trusted him fully to not peak.

"I couldn't stop thinking about what you said, and I needed to talk to you but I knew you wouldn't want to be around me."

"You're not wrong," I muttered. I finished buttoning up my grey blouse, then smoothed down my skirt. "Alright, I'm decent." My arms dramatically fell to my side. "What did you want to talk about?"

He turned his attention back to me. "Um…" His weight shifted from foot to foot. "You mentioned right before we got the case that you wouldn't have stopped."

I knew this is exactly what he wanted to talk about. I just didn't want to. "Yeah." I turned around from him and went to my bed, leaning against the edge. Having it support most of my weight. "Spencer, I am insanely attracted to you. This isn't a secret."

"You're very attractive yourself," he added right away, holding eye contact with me. His words burned inside me.

"I…" His stare was almost making me uncomfortable. "If you didn't run out that night, I would have kept kissing you and seeing if you wanted to do more…"

"And if I did?"

I shook my head, again being the first one to breaking his stare and looking at the ground. "You don't get to say things like that." I pushed myself up from the bed. "You told me you're seeing someone else. Don't talk to me like there's something between us."

He took a step towards me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"Yeah, well… at this point I don't really wanna hear how you might have had sex with me."

I know only a few seconds went by, but it felt like hours. I took the remaining few steps to shrink the gap between Spencer and myself. Taking a deep breath, I met his eyes. "I really like you, okay? But you told me yourself you don't trust me with your heart. And I don't blame you for that. I really don't. But even if you were single, I don't think I could do just a casual thing with you. My feelings are too strong." I felt my eyes move on their own from his to his lips. They tasted so sweet the night of my party. "I can't do this-" I pointed from him to myself, "whatever this is- anymore. It hurts and I know I asked you to do something similar. I get it, I'm a huge fucking hypocrite. But I need space."

He nodded. "Yeah. I understand."

Being this close to him was making me feel tingly. The urge to kiss him was so strong. To run my fingers through his hair again. Instead, I settled for a quick kiss on his cheek before I walked out.

Xoxo

I had three missed calls from Penelope and more texts from her than I wanted to count.

Penny: Does Reid have a girlfriend?

Penny: Did you know he was talking to someone?

Penny: Is that why he ran out?

Penny: Are you doing ok?

Penny: Call me back please.

Those I could ignore but the glances on the plane I could not. Spencer had to reach out to his secret girlfriend for a break in the case. It worked out, but god at what cost.

I shouldn't think like that. We got the guy and saved a life but now the cat is out of the bag because Penny had to do some digging. And then Morgan asked Spencer about it on the plane and now almost everyone has given me pity eyes.

There weren't many places to hide on the jet, but I did my best to hang by the coffee. JJ was the first person to actually approach me. "Hey," she said, keeping her voice low. "You alright?"

"Yes," I tried not to snap, clutching the cup in my hands tightly.

"You wanna talk?"

"No!" I bit, as quickly as I could. I didn't want any other attention. "I'm sorry," I added when I saw her recoil. "I don't wanna talk. I just wanna be left alone. Please."

In her kind, motherly manner, she grabbed my forearm and gave it a light squeeze. The touch was comforting and made me glad she was my cousin. "Can…" I said after a beat of silence. "Can I come over after work?"

She gave a quick, light nod. "Of course. Will's making meatloaf. I'll text him to make sure he has enough." She pulled out her phone as she spoke.

When we got back to the office, I rushed to grab everything I needed and went to head out. I saw Penelope up in her office. She didn't say anything, she only gave a brief wave with a sad smile. I still hadn't answered her, but I could assume JJ texted her to let her know I was fine. Mostly fine.

Dinner with my favorite family members was what I needed. Henry was as crazy as ever. That's exactly what I loved about that little guy. He always brought a smile to my face. When dinner was over, Will volunteered to get Henry washed up and JJ brought out a bottle of blush wine.

"We haven't had a girl's night-in like this in a while." JJ took a sip of wine as she spoke, stretching out on her couch.

I mimicked her, enjoying the relaxation the wine was causing inside me. "I know. I miss the one-on-one time with you. Penelope is great and I love her, but her personality is not what I want right now."

JJ eyed me cautiously over her glass. "Did you wanna talk now?"

I sighed, sinking back into the couch. "I don't know…" A few blonde strands of hair fell into my face. It had been a bit since I last had a haircut. Wasn't I just telling Spencer he needed one? I blew the pieces out of the way. "I just… I hurt. And I have no one to blame but myself."

She put her hand on my knee. "It's okay to feel hurt. I know you have a lot of feelings for Spencer."

"Yes, and those aren't a secret to anyone and everyone knows all the shit that happened and now everyone knows he has a girlfriend and everyone's looking at me with these sad eyes like 'oh poor Lila this must be so hard for her' and yes it was when I found out weeks ago and I just want to process it all and move the fuck on with my life but every time I try something comes up and I feel like I'm back at square one. Like Spencer deciding to tell me that maybe he did wanna do more than make out at the party. I'm not really sure and I don't really wanna ask-"

"Wait," JJ sat up straighter and held up her hand to stop my rambling. "What did he say and when?"

I pushed back my hair. "On the case. I may have mentioned before that I would have been willing to go farther and then we got interrupted and he came to the hotel room- right after I got out of the shower might I add I don't know how he timed it- and made a comment like he would have been down for that too."

"Oh," she said, cocking her head to the side as she thought. "I… I don't know if I would have guessed that."

"Me either!" I curled my legs under me. "I thought… well, I just assumed he'd never… you know?"

"Spencer is really private with his personal life," she said, "I really don't know what he's done, and I've never wanted to ask." She scrunched up her nose. "Great, now I'm thinking about him having sex." She took a big drink of wine.

"You're not helping!" I couldn't help but laugh and lightly smack her arm. "I want to think about him having sex with me!"

"I'll leave you to those mental images," she retorted, waving me off as her eyes crinkled.

"Back to the point," I said, trying to get us back on topic. "He says shit like that, and it kills me because it's not going to happen. Even if he was single, it's not like we'd be having sex in a relationship we'd be having sex to have sex and honestly, I don't think I want that anymore. At least not with him. Not when my heart is too heavily involved.

"And then he has to call Penny and ask her to find a payphone for some reason to call his secret girlfriend and we all know Penny can't keep a secret to save her life so she's texting me like crazy about it and I already know and then she tells Morgan, and he says something on the jet and then everyone has their eyes on me like can you please leave me alone? I know I got myself into a shitty situation because I'm messy and indecisive. I don't need a reminder of how I screwed up potentially being with a really great guy but also ruined our friendship." I could feel warmth that wasn't alcohol related spread through my cheeks as my eyes became blurry with tears.

Putting on her gentle mom voice, JJ said, "Hey, nothing is ruined." She scooted over closer to me and put her arm around my shoulder. "I've known Spence a long time. He still wants you as a friend."

"I know," I cried. "But it hurts so much."

She took my glass of wine along with hers and put them on the coffee table in front of the couch. Then, she pulled me into a tight hug. She didn't say anything, she just let me cry on her shoulder.

Is this what I did to Spencer before? When he would see me with Ben. Did it hurt him just as much to know I was with someone else? And yet I made him be friends with me. I made him get over it. And he did, or he at least put on a good front. Yet here I was crying to my cousin about how I didn't know if I could do the same thing.

"I'm sorry," I finally said as I pulled away. "I'm just a mess."

She wiped my tears away. "You are not a mess. You're just lovesick."

"It sucks."

"I know," she smiled. "But I promise you it will get better."

"God, I fucking hope so."

I'm sure my style now is different than earlier chapters and my thoughts and ideas have changed too. We're doing the best with what we got. Hopefully it'll all be worth it. I should also add I am not sober editing this so I hope its not total trash!