Chapter Twenty Five: Memories

Sirius had a fitful night at home, he swung between worrying about Harry and having nightmares. By six am he had given up on sleep, taken a quick shower, and was sitting in the kitchen stewing over a cup of coffee. Kreacher muttered profanities in the background as he banged around the kitchen doing God knows what.

Remus stood at the door of the kitchen for a moment, considering the scene. Sirius sitting at the large butcher block kitchen table brooding over a cup of coffee with steam misting out of it. The kitchen was mostly dark, with shadows reaching for the far corners making it feel cavernous.

"Stop lurking and come in," Sirius grumbled. "Kreacher is making breakfast and someone should probably eat it before we go."

Remus sighed, and stopped in front of the coffee pot before sliding into the chair across from his friend. "didn't sleep well?" He guessed, although it was hardly a guess these days.

Sirius sighed, and rubbed his hand over his face, trying to think of an answer that wouldn't worry Remus, he had enough going on. Then Lucy's words came to mind. 'Being honest about how you are doing is the best thing you can do for Harry.' Sounds like a load of crap, he thought to himself.

"No," he finally admitted, though it was hardly a secret. "I'm just worried about Harry…" he paused, practically choking on the words. "And, maybe thinking about myself at that age." He finally blurted out.

Remus sighed, taking a long sip from his coffee before he responded. "That's understandable, you were having a pretty rough time when you were Harry's age. Everyone says he looks so much like James, but I think he honestly has more in common with you."

"Unfortunately"

Remus rolled his eyes "my point is that it makes sense that seeing him like this would bring some things back…" the silence lengthened between them. Sirius's mind began to wander.

He was standing on the Potter's front porch, working up the courage to knock. 'It's the middle of the night… they're all asleep!' he told himself. 'You shouldn't bother them, they don't need your problems.' But he was cold, and it was raining. It wasn't like he hadn't come to crash there before, after a back fight with his parents… Sometimes opting to stay for an entire school break to avoid going home. His parents didn't seem to care much if he came home these days.

But this time was different, and Sirius knew it. As he stood on the porch of their modest home, rain pouring around him, dripping wet, with a bruised face, he knew in his heart that he would never go back. So he found the courage to knock.

It took almost ten minutes for the door to open, Mr. Potter peeking his head out suspiciously. "Oh, Sirius," He said, sounding a bit relieved. "Sorry, James didn't mention…"

"He doesn't know…" Sirius cut in, not wanting to get his friend in trouble. He knew the Potters weren't like his own parents, but habits die hard.

Mr. Potter gave him a long, assessing look, then stepped out of the doorway. "Why don't you come inside and dry off son?"

Sirius did as he was told, grateful to be out of the cold. He blushed when he saw that Mrs. Potter was awake too, with a dressing gown wrapped tightly around her. "Go get him something to change into Fleamont. You're soaking wet dear! Come on, I'll make you a cuppa."

He followed her, "I'm sorry Mrs. Potter, I didn't mean to wake you… I guess I thought maybe James would still be up." He glanced at the clock on the wall and saw it was almost three AM.

The older woman waved him off though, "I've told you to call me Euphemia dear, although I guess that's a bit of a mouthful too." She smiled as he sat down at their kitchen table. She drew her wand, and soon was taking a seat next to him, as tea and biscuits floated over to them. "You've got quite the shiner there, are you alright?"

Sirius blushed again, lifting his hand to rub his neck. 'This was a horrible idea… I shouldn't have come here like this.' he thought to himself.

Mr. Potter had returned now, setting a pair of pajamas down on the table next to him, and taking a seat by his wife. They both looked at Sirius patiently.

"Erm, yeah… I'm okay." He sighed, 'it's not as though they don't know about my parents…' he admonished himself. The Potters had long known that he did not have a great homelife, but it wasn't something they spoke of openly. And tonight had been different… "I got into a bit of a row with my folks… um, I guess you both know that we don't get along too well. They, well they were upset with me, saying I was embarrassing the family name, the usual. Things... " his voice cracked a bit, "Things got physical." He looked up at his friend's parents, the closest thing he had to parents. "I can't go back… I can't live there anymore. I don't know what I'm going to do but I know if I go back they'll end up killing me." He said, his voice barely audible.

Mrs. Potter reached out and squeezed his hand, "Don't worry dear, you've always been welcome in our home. We will get things sorted."

A few weeks later, he had found himself sitting at that same table, this time feeling more terrified than he would have thought possible.

The Potters were sitting on either side of him, looking a bit grim, but firm.

"I won't go," he said stubbornly. "I don't need therapy, I'm fine."

Mr. Potter gave a heavy sigh, they had brought the idea of therapy up when they had talked to him after James had told them about the cutting, but he hadn't been living with them permanently then, so they hadn't pushed the issue. Now that their arrangement was a bit more formal, apparently they felt they were in a position where they could force it. Sirius was terrified by the idea. 'I just need somewhere to crash, why do they want to be my parents?'

"Sirius, we are concerned about you, you've been through some difficult things, traumatic things I would imagine. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up like this."

Sirius crossed his arms angrily, "I'm not going, I'm fine. And if you make me go… I won't say a word the whole time, so it's a waste."

Mr. Potter shook his head "You are not fine!" He raised his voice, but then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. More quietly he added "You're slashing up your arms again, lying to us, to James, and now you're stealing liquor. None of that tells us you're fine." He held his hand up before Sirius could protest further. "You're going, end of discussion."

Finally Remus got up the courage to speak again. "Why did you stop going to therapy?"

The question had been burning on Remus's mind since he had told him that he had stopped. At the time Sirius had seemed so certain, and angry, almost daring Remus to ask why. Remus had been okay with leaving it at the time, but the more he thought about Harry, and worried about how to help him, the more he had drawn parallels between their young charge and his friend. When he had woken up this morning he had been determined to talk to him again, and certain that his friend was not okay.

Sirius sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know…" He mumbled. "It was hard… and I told myself that I didn't need it." He chanced a look at his friend "I know I need to go back, to set a good example for Harry…"

Remus patted his friend's shoulder and shook his head. "Sirius, you need to go back for yourself. I know it's hard for you, but I see you struggling, and I want to help but I don't know how."

Sirius took a deep breath, and swallowed his urge to run, or make a sarcastic comment. "Yeah, the more Lucy talks about Harry's attachment issues, the more I'm convinced of my own. We'll figure it out, for both of us. And I will go back to therapy… but for right now let's just work on getting Harry home."

Remus nodded, and started in on his breakfast, dishing out an extra plate and putting it in front of Sirius. "Speaking of setting a good example" He said with a meaningful look.

Sirius rolled his eyes, but started picking at the meal.

The next few days went by at a sloths pace. Remus and Sirius tried to keep Harry distracted from the feeding tube, and from being in the hospital. But they had conference meetings with the eating disorder clinic, so they couldn't be around all the time.

On the second full day in the hospital Snape stopped by again, a stack of books with him. "I know you aren't supposed to be worrying about school right now." He said as he set the books down on the side table in Harry's room. "But I always find a bit of a mental workout can be a wonderful distraction from less than desirable circumstances."

Harry smirked as he scanned the stack of textbooks, noting that they were almost exclusively focused on potions. "There are worse ways to cope I guess."

Snape nodded and sat down "Yes, 'better than suicide' as you say." He smiled as Harry laughed, then gave him a more evaluating look. "How are you doing?"

Harry shrugged, squirming internally under the scrutiny of the older man. "I don't know, fine I guess… How's Draco?"

Severus shook his head "We can talk about him, but we need to talk about you first." He said firmly. "Now really, how are you coping?"

Harry shrugged again, wishing adults could understand how much the gesture conveyed. Snape always seemed to see it as a non answer. "I guess I'm doing okay… I'd rather not be in the hospital… with this stupid tube shoved down my throat… but Remus and Sirius have been pretty chill about it." He sighed and bit his lip, "I'm a bit nervous about going home…"

Snape inclined his head "Are you scared that they may become more upset once you're not in public?"

"What? No!" Harry shook his head quickly "No, not like that. I mean, I won't lie when they get mad my brain goes there… but I know that they would never hurt me, at least when I'm calm I do. I guess I'm just worried about how things are going to go with the food stuff… They've been in all these meetings coming up with rules and meal plans and stuff…. Did they tell you they think I have an eating disorder?" Harry still couldn't say the words without a tinge of malice and disbelief.

Snape shook his head "No, they hadn't mentioned it. Although, from what Draco reported I can't say I'm surprised, Harry." He paused for a moment, "I can understand why you are nervous to go home. From my experience, eating disorders are largely an issue of control, and that is being taken from you."

"Exactly!" Harry whined "It's not fair, maybe you could talk to Remus and Sirius, explain it to them!"

Snape sighed and shook his head "No Harry, you misunderstood. I understand why losing control is so scary for you, but I agree with your guardians. From what I understand, your need for control has put your health in jeopardy. You won't learn how to conquer it unless you give up the control. Unfortunately, because of your physical status, that is going to look like a rather dramatic loss of control. But it is the usual course for eating disorder treatment, why do you think Draco has been admitted to the psych unit here so many times? It's the same as when you were… You need help to keep yourself safe."

Harry sighed and crossed his arms, looking away from the potions master. "Speaking of which, how's Draco? You said we could talk about him."

Snape relented, "Yes, fine. He is doing okay, he was admitted to St. Mungos, just a few rooms down from you actually, but was able to return to Hogwarts this morning. He will not be going back to his parents." Snape paused and gave Harry a long look "He told me about the blood quill that that cow used on him during detentions… He mentioned that she may have used it on you as well?"

Harry bit his lip and shrugged "So what?" He asked quietly.

Snape nodded, this being all the confirmation that he needed. "Did the wounds heal adequately? They can sometimes cause a reaction with one's magic where they do not close, usually when one does not believe what one is writing." Snape gave him a meaningful look.

So I wasn't the only one with special lines to write, Harry thought to himself. "Nope, didn't have a problem." He said quickly, hoping that Snape wouldn't ask to see the scar.

"Okay, I just wanted to check. I will have to let your guardians know… they would have been sent a letter at the end of term anyway, but given the current state of things, it's probably better that I explain in person."

Harry shrugged, pretending he didn't care. "And what happens to the toad?" He asked, his voice quivering.

Snape's jaw clenched, "Use of a blood quill is illegal, let alone it's use on children in a school setting. She has been dismissed, and is under investigation with the ministry at this time."

Harry nodded quietly, another trial? His mind flashed back to uncle Vernon in the courtroom last summer. "Will people have to testify?" He asked nervously.

Snape shook his head, "Not you, or Draco for that matter. I, and the healers who discovered Draco's injuries will be testifying.