I wanted to get this out on the 4 year anniversary of starting this fic but that did not happen. Oh well! I'm only a few days late! But like can you believe it's been 4 years?! That's so crazy! I had no idea I would still be writing this 4 years later. Mostly because I would have finished by now. But its ok! Here we are! And I think my new ideas are better than my old ones. Which definitely had to do with the fact that new material was still coming out while I was writing this.
Speaking of! I'm kinda changing things I've established in earlier chapters. I had envisioned Spencer definitely being a virgin but now that's not my vision. I'll probably eventually edit a few of the earlier chapters to reflect that but honestly, when I was going and checking to see how much I had talked about it and it's not a whole lot. I can probably just recon it bit. I'm also sick of writing a slow burn so we about to speed things up because I have no patience and I thought of a plot line for season 12 and I want to do it now.
That's pretty much it! Hope you guys enjoy!
He awoke with a jump, having tried to pry himself from his dreams. He wasn't ready to say goodbye to Maeve there. He rubbed his face and as he brought his back down to his sides, he knocked something. A book.
Just waking up, his brain was a little fuzzy. Especially with how he had been suffering (and probably still was) from sleep deprivation. Cognition went way down. Slowly, things were coming back to him.
It was late and Lila offered to stay on the couch. He felt bad, but she insisted. He tried to sleep but couldn't. So, he came back out to his living room. Lila was curled up on the couch but the moment she heard him, she looked up. She was tired and he felt bad for disturbing her.
He felt even worse asking her to read to him more. Listening to her read was the only thing that got his mind off of the pain. Lila, being who she is, agreed without hesitation. She told him to lay back down in bed and she'd read to him there.
At some point, he fell asleep. And now the book was next to him and so was Lila.
She was on top of the covers, just like she had been when she was reading. Her back was to him as she curled up with her arm under the pillow. He watched her for a moment, seeing her body slowly rise and fall as she breathed.
The clock next to his bed told him it was still too early to be awake. He could try to go back to sleep. But would that actually happen? He at least moved Catcher in the Rye to the side. That didn't need to be on the bed.
He rolled over, now facing Lila's back. She hadn't moved. He felt a bit bad that she wasn't covered, hoping his apartment was at a decent temperature. Her pajama top was short sleeves, after all.
For now, he didn't mind just lying there.
He never fell back asleep, but he was at least content lying. He didn't want to admit it but he did enjoy just watching Lila sleep. She kept mostly still, every once in a while one of her legs would move. It made him smile.
He was so thankful to have her. Yes, the others did come to check up on him. They would knock on his door, usually say a few words to him through the wood, maybe leave something behind (mostly Garcia), and then leave. They gave him his space while still offering love and comfort. Not Lila, though. She devised a plan to get into his apartment and once she was in, he couldn't bear to let her leave.
The solitude was nice for a bit. After two weeks, however, it was almost suffocating. He wanted company but no longer knew how to ask for it. Or how to be around other people. He didn't want the pity. He didn't want the questions. He just wanted the comfort of others without all the complications and Lila gave that to him.
Never once did she ask how he was feeling. Never once did she push him into talking. She let him be and worked herself around him. Hell, she stayed up who knows how long reading to him because he asked her until she fell asleep. He was truly lucky to call her his friend.
That's all she was, right? Just his friend. Doing what any friend would do for another. He knew she had feelings for him but his were now long past reciprocating. Any feelings he had for her had to be transference from Maeve. He is- was- in love with Maeve. He never saw her until it was too late and yet he knew she was beautiful. And she was absolutely brilliant. Her IQ rivaled his and she could keep up with his ramblings. Lila could do neither.
He had complimented the blonde once on her intelligence. She was still working on her doctorate and her writing of her thesis was so eloquently put. She had to be bright.
"I'm not that smart, Spencer." Shyly, she brushed her hair behind her ears, looking away from him. "My IQ is only 113. That's not even a standard deviation away."
Still, she was smart. There was no denying that. She worked competently and achieved one of the highest academic honors.
Lila never kept up with his ramblings, per se. Sometimes she did, depending on the topic. However, she never brushed what he said to the side or appeared to be annoyed like most of the others. Instead, she hung on his words like they were the only thing that mattered.
If she hadn't been so damn indecisive, first she liked him but lived far away, then she still liked him, but had a boyfriend, then still liked him and didn't have a boyfriend but she couldn't commit, then she finally decides after he already spent months talking to Maeve.
Maeve was there. Always. She was a constant. And Lila… wasn't.
Their relationship ping ponged so much he had been tempted to swear off women period. But then he'd think about how soft her lips felt against his. Her gentle hands grabbing his. He couldn't give another chance at that up.
But any chance of that with Maeve was gone. Taken by a bullet to her skull. New tears were forming in his eyes as he relived that moment and the ones leading up to it. If he hadn't wanted to meet her yet… if he had figured out who the stalker was sooner…
He was driving himself mad with 'what ifs'. Logically, he knew he did everything he could, and it wasn't his fault. But then why did his emotions make him feel like it was?
Next to him, Lila groaned and rolled over, now facing him. Her eyes slowly peeled open, meeting his. At once, they were wide, and she practically jumped from the bed. "Fuck!" She swore, grabbing at her heart. "Oh, my god…"
That made him laugh. "I'm sorry," he said, the tears being chased away by Lila's theatrics. "I didn't realize you'd awake so scared."
"It's fine…" she panted, looking around his room. "I just… I don't remember falling asleep here."
"I didn't realize either until I woke up."
"I'm sorry," she said, starting to get up. "I didn't mean to invade your personal space like that…"
He didn't know why he reached out and grabbed her hand. "Hey," he whispered, "you didn't. You really helped me."
She squeezed his hand and smiled. "Thank you. And I'm glad I could."
Still, she released his hand and got off the bed. "Since we're both up, why don't you take a shower and I'll figure out something to eat?"
His stomach growling prevented him from arguing with her. Instead, he nodded and headed to his bathroom while she went to the kitchen.
The hot water felt good. It had been days since he last was able to coax himself to bathe. The grief was too overwhelming. He was lucky he got out of bed some days.
Once he was done and had fresh clothes on, he went to find Lila, but held back when he heard her talking.
"He's showering." He heard her say followed by a beat of silence and then her again, "Yeah, he looked like it had been a few days, maybe a week."
She was giving updates to someone about his condition. It had to be either Garcia or JJ.
"I'm looking for some breakfast now. I think I'm just gonna order something. He's got a lot of take-out menus… I had so much chicken yesterday I need something else."
The chicken she made was good. He was thankful she made him eat some.
"I mean, as okay as you can be. I hope he was able to get some rest. I passed out reading to him… Catcher in the Rye… And I still hate it."
If he was in a better, lighter, mood he'd ask her why she detested the book so much. It couldn't be that bad if she kept reading it to him. Unless that's just how much he meant to her.
"Shut up, JJ."
Mystery solved as to who she was talking to.
"But, yeah, I passed out next to him in bed…" She sighed deeply. "Besides the heart attack I had waking up to him staring at me? It was… kinda nice. Which sounds super pathetic, I know, but I kinda miss sleeping next to someone."
He never had the routine of sleeping next to someone. Here and there sure, but not on a continuous basis like he was sure she had. However, he did agree that it was nice waking next to her.
"My emotions are already so heavily involved I don't give a shit anymore. If I get hurt, I get hurt. Nothing new there."
He felt bad causing her this pain. He also knew what that hurt was like and it was soul shattering. Maybe he was being too selfish having her stay with him.
Switching his weight from one foot to the other must have caused a sound. He didn't notice, but she cut her conversation off with JJ. "I think he's coming out. I'll call you later when I get a chance… 'course. Bye."
Now, he had to come into the kitchen. She knew he was around. So, he did. He found her sitting at his table with several takeout menus in front of her.
"Hey, how was your shower?" She smiled at him.
"It was nice," he said, walking over to her. "Thank you for making me take one."
"No problem." She picked up one of the menus. "Hey, I was thinking we just order something for breakfast. Whatever you want. My treat."
"I can't ask you to pay-"
She cut him off. "Then don't. I already offered."
Nodding, he graded the menu she held out to him. Together they looked them over and finally decided on what to eat.
"If you don't mind, I'm gonna shower and then I can run and pick up the food," she said.
"Really, Lila," he started, "you don't have to-"
"Spencer." Her voice was calm and soft. She rose from the kitchen chair and grabbed his hands. "Please. I want to."
He gave in, of course. He always had trouble saying 'no' and he definitely couldn't do it to her.
She grabbed her things and trotted into the bathroom. He sat on his couch and just waited. He still didn't have the strength to do much. His phone rang while she was away, but he ignored it.
After she had showered, she grabbed her keys, promised to be back soon, and headed out to grab the food. He had a voicemail from Morgan, asking him a question about the case that they were working on. Spencer knew this was a way for Morgan to get him to talk, but it was a welcomed distraction. After calling Morgan back with his input he made another call to Lila.
"Hey," she answered on the second ring. "I just grabbed the food. Everything okay?"
"Yeah," he said, "could you possibly grab the case files from work?"
"For the one the team's working now? Why?"
"Morgan called asking for a second opinion on it. I'd like to go over more of the files and help."
"Are you sure you feel up for it?"
He took a moment before he answered. "Not really, but I want to be helpful.".
"Okay…" she hesitated. "I'll pick them up."
"Thanks, Lila," he said before hanging up. He didn't want to give himself a chance to change his mind. Helping out was good. He liked to work. This would help him feel better. Grief has consumed him long enough.
Xoxo
I was resting on the plane ride back. My head laying against the window. I could have fallen asleep.
JJ came to disturb me, though. She sat across from me, sipping her coffee. "So…"
"So," I said back, looking at her.
"What's going on?"
I shrugged. "Nothing. I'm tired."
"Gonna sleep in your own apartment tonight?" She eyed me from over her cup.
Again, I shrugged. "I dunno. I guess we'll see what he wants me to do. I'll stay if he needs me." I looked past her as I spoke. Spencer was on the opposite side of the plane talking to Hotch.
"Is that a good idea for you?"
"Does it matter?" I answered her question with a question. "I just wanna do whatever will help him."
"I just don't want you hurting yourself in the process." She lowered her cup. "You can't help him if you're hurt yourself."
I met her eyes. "JJ, I appreciate it. I do. I am well aware of how much this is crushing my heart but that literally doesn't matter to me now. Seeing Spencer… seeing him hurting is worse than whatever emotion I'm experiencing."
Thankfully, she started to steer the subject in a different direction. "Well, whatever you're doing must have really worked. I'm surprised he came out for the case."
"He was probably tired of me reading so slowly to him. I'm sure he could have read the book a hundred times by the time I finished," I said, smiling.
She laughed. "Either way, I'm so happy you got through to him."
I returned her smile and then sat together in silence. The plane landed not long after and we were all greeted by Garcia the moment we landed. I think she was specifically there to see Spencer, but her smiling face is always a warm welcome.
I left the BAU with him, having left a few things back at his apartment. Even if I wasn't going to spend another night, I wanted to grab the rest of my things.
There was no hesitation from him letting me in this time. He opened the door and we both walked in.
"Do you need more food or anything?" I went straight to his kitchen. "There's still leftovers and some snacks from Pen."
"No, I'm okay," he said, taking off his coat and hanging it up.
I didn't argue with him. "Want to do more reading then?" I came back into the living room, walking over to him.
Pausing, he looked at the floor. "I… you don't have to stay. You can go home."
"Spencer…" I took a step towards him. "I'm not leaving if you need me. I'll stay with you as long as you want."
"I know," he said, now meeting my eyes. "I think… I think I'll be okay alone."
There was no malice in his voice. No annoyance. Yet it felt like I was being kicked out on the street.
"You're absolutely sure?"
He continued to hold my gaze as he nodded. "I'm sure."
"Okay…" I trailed off, looking at anything but him now. "I'll just grab the rest of my things."
I was quick in my sweep of his apartment. My loose items were few and far between. It didn't take long for me to have everything and be standing by his apartment door.
"I guess I'll see you?" I ask awkwardly. I had planned precisely how to get in, I never thought about how I was getting out.
He nodded. "Yeah. I'll, um, I'll try to be at work tomorrow."
"If you're up for it." I readjusted the bag on my arm. "And call me if you need to, okay? If you're feeling depressed, I can read to you over the phone."
He cracked a smile. "With your own copy of Catcher in the Rye?"
"We'd be starting a new book for sure," I laughed. "But really, if you feel… if you feel like using... Please reach out."
"I will. Promise."
I reached out and laid my hand on his arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Take care, Spencer." Taking a small step towards him, I lifted myself onto the balls of my feet, planting a small kiss to his cheek. His stubble was rough on my lips but his skin underneath was so soft.
I lingered longer than I should have, keeping my eyes down as I pulled away. He didn't say anything as I twisted the doorknob. Before leaving, I lifted my eyes to look at him and smile. I mouthed the word Bye before walking out of his apartment.
Xoxo
It was one day later when I was back in his apartment. The whole team was. Spencer asked us to help him clean it up. Everyone of course said yes. Anything to help our friend.
It was three days later before he came back to work full time. Hotch said he could take as long as he needed, but we knew he wanted to get back into the field. Work distracted him and for better or worse that's what he wanted.
It was a week later he brought my crockpot back. He carried it up to my office, spotlessly clean, and thanked me for making him food that would last. Even not depressed, having food that requires little prep time was a godsend with our job. I asked him if he wanted me to make him more and drop it off, but he declined. He said he had plenty of take-out menus. I frowned but didn't push the issue.
It was almost two months later when he called me in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. I stayed up for hours just talking to him. Well, he did most of the talking and that was okay. I could listen to him talk forever.
It was the sixth month anniversary of Maeve's murder when he asked me to come back over and stay with him. I had made a bag months prior, just in case he asked me again. Within minutes of his midnight phone call, I was in my car and out the door.
I didn't get a chance to knock on the door before he opened it. "I'm sorry to bother you," he said as I walked in. His apartment was still in pristine condition. "It's just… every time I close my eyes I see her."
I placed my bag on the ground. "Spencer, you know you're not a bother." I reached out for his hand. "I told you I would come whenever you asked."
"I know…" He kept his gaze down on his pajama pants. "I just… I feel bad."
"There's no need." I smiled, letting my arms fall to the side. "Now, what would you like to do? We can talk, I can read to you, we can just go to sleep. Whatever you want."
"Maybe… maybe sleep would be best."
"But can you sleep?"
His silence was his answer.
"I can read to you until you fall asleep again. I don't mind." I grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze. "I think we just have a few chapters left of Catcher in the Rye. We can finish it. Or if there's something else you want to read."
"Lila," he started, pulling his hand away. "Last time you fell asleep next to me."
"Yeah…" I said awkwardly. "Listen, I'm so sorry I did that. I didn't mean to do that. I just passed out. I'll make sure if I feel even a little bit sleepy, I'll head to the couch."
"It's not…" He ran his hands through his hair. "You don't have to stay the night."
I pointed at my bag. "I have everything I need. And I don't really want to be driving around in the middle of the night."
"You're doing too much."
"Nonsense. I am your friend and you called me to help you. So that's what I'm doing."
He sighed. "I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry."
"Too late for that now," I said, annoyed. "I'm already here. And you sounded panicked on that phone. How many times have you had those nightmares of Maeve?"
There was a long, drawn out silence. "A lot."
"How long since you had a good night's sleep?"
Another silent pause. "Maybe a week."
"Why didn't you call sooner?"
He moved from the door to his couch, sitting down. "I... I didn't want to…"
I sat down next to him and grabbed his hand. "I'm not leaving you, Spencer. Not when you need me."
We sat like that for a while. Just holding hands. I wasn't going to make a move before he was ready.
Finally, he spoke. "Would… would you mind finishing Catcher in the Rye? I know you hate it."
The book in question was sitting on his coffee table, like maybe he had been reading it before I got there. Or he had put it out for me. Either way, I reached forward and grabbed it. "Luckily for you," I said, turning to the spot I knew we left off at. Even if it had been six months. "I like you more than I hate the book."
Like I said in the beginning, I want to speed things up which is why I did a bit of a time jump. We have shit to do! Plots to unravel! I have no chill!