Chapter Thirty: Christmas Eve Eve

Harry had been awake for what felt like hours when Remus first popped his head in to give him a 30 minute warning. He sighed and rolled over, despite having been awake for hours he wasn't ready to get up and face the day. Especially when that day means eating.

Eventually he dragged himself out of bed and down the hall for a shower, knowing that he would probably not be left unattended in the bathroom after he had eaten. When Remus came to call him for breakfast, Harry was towel drying his hair and pacing around his room nervously.

Sirius slid a bowl of porridge and berries in front of Harry, and placed a glass of pumpkin juice next to it. "How did you sleep pup?" He asked quietly as he started dropping pills from their bottles into a small cup and placed that beside Harry's breakfast.

Harry gulped, "Erm, fine I guess" That's a lie, but I never sleep well...so maybe fine is true.

Sirius cocked his head to the side as he grabbed his own bowl and a mug of coffee, and came to sit across from his godson. "What does 'fine' mean?" He asked with a smirk. "I slept terribly, didn't go to bed until well after two and I was up before six."

Harry watched his godfather sip his coffee enviously. "Okay, I didn't sleep great either, I fell asleep really fast, which is probably because of that pill you guys gave me. But I woke up by about three am and didn't really get back to sleep." He paused and flashed a grin "Since I didn't sleep well… Do you think I could have some coffee?"

Sirius smiled ruefully and shook his head, "Sorry kid, no caffeine, doctor's orders."

Harry rolled his eyes and picked up his spoon, stirring the porridge slowly. "Oh come on, it's not as if I asked for a side of crack with my breakfast." He muttered.

Remus frowned, joining them at the table with his own breakfast. "What's…"

"A muggle drug" Sirius cut in "It's a muggle drug that my godson should not even know the name of." His voice was firm, on the edge of panic.

Harry sighed, casting an annoyed glance at his guardians "Everybody knows about crack!" He said with a scoff "It's not like I've done it!"

Sirius moved to be sitting across from Harry, his face set in stone. He ran a hand through his long black curls. "Promise me?" He asked seriously "Because it's a slippery slope Harry, you start popping pills to keep you awake and soon you don't care what they are, just as long as they work. Then before you know it you need pills to help you sleep too, and next you're finding that pills aren't enough."

Harry bit his lip, shocked at Sirius's tone. "I promise Sirius, it was just the caffeine pills" Even just talking about them made him itch to have some, maybe Sirius is right…

Harry was subdued for the rest of the meal, he didn't have the energy to fight them, and maybe, just maybe, he felt a bit bad about how scared Sirius had looked when he was asking him about taking drugs. Harry hadn't really thought of the caffeine pills as drugs, certainly not the same level as the drugs that Sirius was worried about. But the more he thought about it the more he realized his godfather was right. He didn't care what they were, or what they did to his body, as long as they worked. And that sure sounds like something a drug addict would say, he thought to himself miserably.

He managed to finish just over half of his breakfast, and gave in miserably when Sirius set the protein shake down next to his bowl. At least I didn't eat it all, that has to count for something… He thought to himself as he drank the chalky mixture. Not much, it's just as many calories, you aren't winning just because they get you fat on shakes instead of food, a dark voice inside him responded.

"Well" he said as he slammed down the empty bottle, "what now?"

Remus turned from where he stood by the sink waving his wand to start the kitchen magically cleaning itself, and sighed "Let's see, it's only 8:15… So you have about 45 minutes before we need to leave for your appointment with Lou. You are free to do whatever you like until then, as long as one of us can see you."

Harry rolled his eyes as he pushed his chair back "You might want to look up 'free' in the dictionary…" He muttered sarcastically as he walked out of the kitchen.

Harry wandered aimlessly towards the front of the house, eventually finding himself in the front parlor. The room looked the same as it had last summer, an odd clash of what was clearly designed to be a formal space, invaded by informal people. The large, old, brown sofa was littered with cosy blankets in clashing colors and patterns. A few pillows had fallen to the floor, or perhaps been pulled down for seating. Built in bookshelves lined one wall and odd nick knacks dotted them. The other three walls still contained formal portraits of wizards with disapproving glares, although Sirius had finally found a spell that took away their ability to speak, or more likely yell, at the inhabitants of the house. And a few magically enhanced windows showed beautiful scenes of various winter wonderlands.

Oh right, it's nearly Christmas, Harry thought glumly as he plopped down on the couch and reached for the remote of the old fashioned TV Sirius had found. We'll probably just skip it this year anyway… no point in celebrating when there's nothing to celebrate.

Just as a rerun of Friends came on the screen, Snuffles wandered into the room and leapt up onto the couch next to Harry. He kept his eyes on the screen, only acknowledging his godfather by saying "I already told you, I've never purged, and I don't plan on starting now so you don't need to watch me."

Snuffles, with his sorrowful black eyes, just laid his head in Harry's lap and gave a small whine.

Soon enough Harry was sucked into the episode, since Sirius had charmed the TV to play reruns of the old shows Harry liked, it had become an excellent escape for him. At Privet Drive he had only ever dared to watch TV in the dead of night, with one ear listening for any sounds of life from his relatives. Luckily for him they were all sound sleepers and he had rarely been caught. Rarely, but memorably.

The episode that was playing now was one he had remembered watching as a kid. One of the characters, Phoebe, had told the other five that she had never had a bike as a child. They of course bought her one, and she was too embarrassed to admit she didn't know how to ride it, so she walked it around the city with her.

Harry had always liked Phoebe, her odd comments were often seen as comedic, and her friends generally just accepted the strange childhood that she had experienced. I wish it were that easy in real life, he thought to himself. If I said the things she did to Ron and Hermione, oh they would look so sad, and pity me. It just upsets them… Harry sighed and absently scratched Snuffles ear, it's better for everyone if I just shut up about it.

The dog gave him a questioning look when Harry chuckled at a joke in the show. Harry smiled, Sirius had grown up so hidden away from the muggle world that he often didn't get the humor in the show, though he tried.

"It's funny because Ross lied, he told phoebe her bike would die… but bikes are inanimate… it's the kind of thing Phoebe would believe too. And she pretended that she didn't believe him, but once he was gone she talked to the bike… it can't hear her."

Snuffles shook his head and jumped down onto the floor, transforming back to man form mid jump. Sirius laughed and sat on the opposite end of the couch. "I get that part," he complained. "I don't know what a bike is, how the hell do they make them move?"

Now Harry was really laughing, and it felt good to laugh. He was still trying to explain the concept of pedaling to his Godfather when Remus told him he needed to get ready to leave for his appointment.

Sitting across from Lucy in her office again was more nerve wracking than Harry had expected it to be. It just cemented for him how long it had actually been since he had been there, and how bad he had let things get. I was handling it though, he thought stubbornly.

Lucy smiled as she settled into her own chair, "So, is it nice being home again?" She asked in a friendly tone.

Harry took a deep breath, logically he knew that she was not still angry at him about lying and quitting therapy. She had told him so when she saw him in the hospital, but it still made him anxious to sit there and talk to her alone. "Erm, yeah I guess it's nice… nicer than being in the hospital for sure." He mumbled.

She smiled and set down the pad that had been in her lap, "Harry, I know it's hard coming back to therapy. After everything that's happened I can understand why you're uncomfortable being here. But please try to remember how it was last summer, you found our sessions helpful then, right? At least eventually?"

Harry took a deep breath and nodded "Yeah, I did.. You helped me a lot Lou, I don't want you to think I didn't appreciate it!"

She nodded kindly "I do know that Harry, and we've talked about how recovery is not a linear process. Of course I would have hoped for your sake that when things got hard at school you would have felt like you could have reached out instead of hiding that you were struggling, but I'm not at all shocked or angry that you didn't. We've talked about how certain experiences when we are young can influence our thinking, and how you often think that you have to deal with your problems alone. Those ways of thinking aren't going to disappear overnight, but we will keep working on them. And no matter how many times you fall down, Remus and Sirius and I will be here to help you get back on your feet."

Now Harry blushed "Thank you" he murmured awkwardly.

She smiled again "Now, how are things really going now that you're home? I'm sure it's been a big adjustment."

"I guess… I don't know, Remus and Sirius are just so intense about everything right now. I think they're convinced that if they don't follow the doctor's rules exactly, I will like, die or something."

"Well," Lucy said carefully "It's natural for them to be a bit nervous, I'm sure you all are. But Harry, eating disorders are very serious, and people, children, do die from them. I know they explained to you in the hospital that your heart has been damaged. Your team has come up with the plan that they did in hopes of preventing any further damage."

Harry shrugged "I know but... It's just annoying, they're watching me all the time, I feel like I can't relax."

"How did breakfast go this morning?"

Shifting in his chair Harry chewed his lip a bit before answering, "It was fine."

The therapist rolled her eyes "You know we are going to have to talk about food eventually Harry, and nothing is going to get better if you just keep telling me you are fine."

"Fine!" He almost yelled, "breakfast sucked. They won't even let me drink coffee, and I feel like I weigh 1000 pounds right now. I never used to eat breakfast so I don't see why it's such a big deal all the sudden."

If Lucy was at all shocked by the outburst, she didn't show it. Instead she kept her voice calm and steady as she helped Harry unpack what he had said. They talked about the caffeine, and the caffeine pills he had been taking. And they talked about how he was feeling, and his frustration with having to eat. Finally she asked "Harry, Remus and Sirius have mentioned before that breakfast seems to be harder for you than other meals. Do you have any ideas why that is?"

"Pass" Harry said far too quickly, he chanced a look up at the shrink, hoping that she remembered the rule they had set last summer where he could skip topics that were too hard to talk about. Maybe you lose that privilege when you lie to your therapist and end up in the ICU with heart damage…

But Lucy nodded and jotted the topic down on her notepad, and he breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't a perfect system, he would still have to answer the question one day, but at least he was able to put it off for now.

Lou seemed to sense that he was getting overwhelmed, so they spent the rest of the session practicing calming techniques and things he could repeat to himself to help him when he was having trouble eating or feeling like he was under a microscope. When the session ended, he was tired, but actually feeling fairly calm. Lou gave him homework of writing in the journal she had given him charmed to only be visible to him, for ten minutes a day until she saw him again.

Harry cringed when he heard her say it. He knew he still had the journal, he had found it in his room after his last hospitalization. Blood still stained the page where he had written his suicide note, but he could see that someone had tried to clean it. Written on the next page he had found a message "Suicide won't solve your problems, it just closes off the opportunity for things to get better. Remember no matter how dark it gets, there are always people who love you." Harry had stuffed the journal in the back of his desk and refused to look at it since.

When Lucy walked him out to the lobby Remus and Sirius asked to talk to her for a moment, so Harry flipped down in one of the hard plastic chairs and crossed his arms, mumbling about people talking about him as if he were a small child.

Remus and Sirius stood nervously in Lucy's small office, Sirius imagined that when she met with her patients it was nice to have a small space that felt cozy, but with three adults the space felt cramped.

Lucy smiled and conjured a third chair, "Please, sit" She said with a smile "I know it's a small space but we can make do. What's on your mind gentleman?"

Sirius glanced at Remus, who nodded for him to start explaining. "Well, a few things actually." the animagus said nervously. This is silly, she's not your therapist… no reason to be nervous. "We were informed last night about some more of what Harry's been through this past term… I'm not sure if you saw in the Prophet today about Delores Umbridge's trial?"

Lucy nodded "I wish I could say I didn't read it, but it's the best news source we have these days. I was afraid that Harry might have been one of her victims."

Sirius nodded, wishing that Remus would take over before he remembered that his friend hadn't even known what a blood quill was until last night. "She used a blood quill on him, at a few detentions. We aren't sure how many, or what he was asked to write, but from my understanding she had them write lines with it, and she chose the lines carefully to mess with them. So I can only imagine what that's done to his head."

Lucy sighed, jotting a note down on the notebook she had in her lap. "Is he having any side effects? I don't know much about that type of artifact, but from my understanding they can be quite dangerous."

"He doesn't seem to be," Sirius said, shaking his head. "We actually haven't spoken to him about it yet, we didn't want to upset him before breakfast this morning, and then we had to get here… so we thought it was best to leave it for now."

"And that sounds like a great plan" Lou encouraged "I think it would be good to address it, even just to make sure he knows that you two know and are there if he wants to talk about it now that it's coming out in the press. You guys are doing great." She smiled.

Now Remus jumped in, "The other thing we wanted to discuss with you is a bit more time sensitive…" and then he started to explain about Severus and Draco, "Sirius and I disagree on whether or not we should help. We're both worried about Harry and how bringing another child into the home might affect him. What do you think?"

Lucy sighed and chewed her lip for a moment before answering. "Professionally, I should probably tell you to say no. You're right, Harry has a lot of needs and he is in a pretty fragile place right now. Bringing in another child most likely would cause some anxiety about his place in your family and either make him feel neglected and jealous, or give him the opportunity to use your divided attention in a manipulative way to avoid recovery. Honestly with Harry he could easily respond both ways at once." She paused again, looking conflicted "However…. My gut says that this could be a great opportunity for him. You would have to watch out for that manipulative behavior, and be careful to maintain the boundaries with both boys. But right now I think Harry is a bit overwhelmed with all the attention, so being able to split it with a peer could be helpful as long as it's done carefully. And helping to bring some of his insecurities about his family and the permanency of his situation might actually be helpful if he is willing to address it in therapy."

Sirius sighed "That's not really an answer, it might be disastrous but it might be helpful?"

The therapist chuckled "Sorry, this isn't a decision that I can make for you guys. Have you talked to Harry about it yet?"

Remus shook his head "I worry that if we told him about Draco's situation he will say yes without thinking about it. He's such a good kid and he wouldn't want anyone to be hurting alone, even if it wasn't the best choice for him."

Lucy sighed "I think you should talk to him, Harry is a good kid, you're right. I would be careful about which details you tell him, maybe don't explain what Draco's alternatives are, just say that he does have other options. And ask Harry to think about it. Like I said, I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that whatever you decide we will help Harry to work through it. As long as you two keep working together to provide him consistency, and don't give up on him, he can get through this."