The boy who Lived

by Gingerme

Harry was the boy who lived, but what kind of life has he lived? What had he endured in the years that he spent with his muggle family? When Sirius and Remus finally rescue him from his relatives and learn the truth about his life, will they be able to help him overcome his past? Or is the boy who lived to far gone for help. Trigger warnings inside. No longer on hiatus

34. Chapter 34: Once I was Three years Old

Chapter Thirty Four: Once I was three years old

Sirius held a steaming mug of coffee out to his former nemesis, thinking it was ironic how much of it he had consumed since they had rushed to the hospital and been told that Harry had basically overdosed on the stuff. He knew they should probably be more careful about drinking it around him, but he was facing enough challenges these days without trying to do life uncaffeinated. Especially since Remus is insisting I start up therapy again, he thought miserably. He knew it was the right thing to do, and not just for Harry's sake, but for his own. But the thought of going through the process of opening all his old wounds again, it wasn't something he could pretend to enjoy.

Severus took the mug, and the three men settled into the seats around the worn butcher block table. Was it only 48 hours ago that we first sat here talking about the possibility of Draco moving in? He asked himself in disbelief. But here they were, taking on another traumatized teen.

Sirius had been in support of taking in Draco, but after yesterday's battles with Harry, he was feeling less certain about their ability to manage both boys. "You said you wanted to talk to us about some of the particulars with Draco?" He asked hesitantly, he knew a bit of the Malfoy heir's troubles, from seeing him in St Mungo's when Harry had been there over the summer, and he could probably guess a fair bit, but so far those were just rumors and assumptions. The idea of facing exactly what the teen was battling with seemed daunting. We probably should have asked before we agreed to this, he thought dismally. A glance at Remus calmed him a bit though, his friend sat calmly, nursing a cuppa, with a notepad and pen in front of him. Whatever it is, we will manage.

Severus took a long sip of his coffee, and sighed. "Yes, I'm afraid that Draco is having a difficult time right now. It's to be expected, unlike Harry, he was and still is quite attached to his parents. He was very upset about the abuse being discovered, and continues to deny that it happened. I get the sense that he is somewhat relieved to be away from them, but family loyalty has been instilled in him since he was a child. I imagine it will be a long time before he is willing to openly acknowledge his parents were in the wrong." He paused and gave Sirius a meaningful glance "It has occured to you, I am sure, that you and he may have quite a bit in common. But I caution you, he has not reached the stage of being angry at his parents… And instead is becoming quite angry at me I'm afraid."

"Draco has struggled with bulimia since he was a child, I've never gotten a straight answer from him about when it started, but he was first hospitalized for it the summer before his first year of Hogwarts, after he spent several weeks staying with me to undergo some potions tutoring, and I noticed that he was ill. Since then he has been hospitalized a few times due to dehydration and electrolyte imbalances. His parents refused to allow him to go to a residential treatment facility, so each time he ends up in the adolescent psych ward, where they keep him as long as they can justify it, then send him back home where the cycle starts over again."

Severus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face "The cycle was broken last week when Harry noticed that Draco was hurt, and apparently Draco opened up to him about his father becoming physical. He swears that it was the first time, but he was quite badly hurt, both through magical and muggle means… and he's lucky Harry told me what happened, or who knows what could have happened. St Mungos has changed some policies since the story broke about Harry's abuse, and so the incident was reported and Draco removed from his parent's care pending a trial. They do not know who was given custody of him, and are to have no contact with him until after the trial, which likely will take place next month."

Remus looked up at this "If their parental rights are revoked, will it be revealed that you have custody? How will that impact your position as a spy?" He asked with concern.

Snape grimaced "Yes, they would be told… and I am not sure, I am committed to caring for Draco, that is my priority. But it is both mine and Dumbledore's hope that by the time the trial is complete, my position will no longer be needed for the order." He answered cryptically.

Remus and Sirius shared a look, they were both terribly out of the loop, having stepped away from the order in order to focus on Harry when he was rehospitalized. After a weighted silence, Remus turned the conversation back to Draco. "So this hospitalization was due to physical abuse, and not a bulimia relapse?" He clarified.

Snape grimaced "Yes and no, he was hospitalized because of the injuries, but during the hospitalization it came to light that he had relapsed, not that I was exactly shocked, he rarely goes very long without struggling at all, but I had thought he was doing better than he was." After another long sip of coffee he added "On top of all that, it was discovered that he has begun to self harm in the past few months, which is new for him."

Sirius groaned internally, "Oh gosh…" he muttered. It wasn't that he blamed Draco, but he could remember how difficult a battle that had been for Harry, and he couldn't say he was eager to guide another teen through it so soon.

Severus nodded "I know, self harm is a frustrating thing to deal with. And on top of his current attitude… it's been challenging to say the least." Severus began giving them the details of the rules he had laid down for Draco in relation to keeping him safe and healthy. "He's in therapy with Lou of course, so hopefully that will help," He finished. "And of course, while he is in your care I trust you to modify the rules as situations arise. Draco knows that I've given this permission,I assured him that you will be reasonable, and that changes to the rules will be discussed ahead of time. I'm under the impression that, as with many children in his situation, the fear of not knowing the expectations, or having them change suddenly, is quite concerning for Draco."

Remus nodded now, "Yes, we've seen that with Harry as well, consistency is key." When Severus stood he followed his lead. "We're happy to have him as long as you need us to," he said with a smile.

Severus nodded "Thank you again, and of course you can contact me with any issues by owl or floo. I am going to be very busy with order business, and I must admit I may not be available much of the time, but I will do my best. Draco knows this as well, and I've encouraged him to write to me, although I doubt he will." He finished with a scowl.

Sirius followed the potions master through their narrow hallway and into the parlor at the front of the house where they had left the teenage boys. Harry was curled up where Sirius had seen him last, although perhaps not as tightly, and Draco sat in the chair to his right. Both boys were staring tiredly at the TV screen, but seemed to be watching the show peacefully enough.

When the adults entered Harry turned his face away from the screen and smiled at them. Draco, despite the fact that he hardly seemed to be watching the show, resolutely ignored the men.

Severus sighed, walking towards his charge looking discouraged. "Draco, I need to get going," He said hesitantly.

The sullen blonde nodded, his eyes barely flickering from the screen. "Yeah, right. Wouldn't want to get in the way of all the important crap you need to do," He mumbled.

Severus sighed and rolled his eyes. "I know this is hard Draco, I'm doing my best." He said quietly. Sirius averted his eyes, recognizing that it was a private conversation even if he could clearly hear them. "Please write to me, I am trying to be here for you," Severus continued. When Draco responded with only a scoff, the older wizard sighed again and started towards the floo. "It was good to see you all," He called to them as he stepped into the floo. "Happy Christmas," and then he was gone.

Sirius clapped, startling both boys and cringing at the obvious mistake. "Well then" he said brightly, "Shall we have a snack?" Both boys groaned, but they stood and followed him into the kitchen, with Remus taking up the rear.

Sirius made quick work of dishing up two bowls of yogurt for the boys, adding fruit and granola to Harry's, and setting the toppings on the table for Draco to add himself. When they had agreed to bring Draco into their home, Sirius had assumed that his bulimia treatment plan would look similar to Harry's. That unfortunately, had not been the reality. Severus had briefly explained that while anorexia was based on controlling and restricting food, bulimia followed a vicious cycle of binging and purging. Between cycles some bulimics restrict their intake the way Harry did, but others eat relatively normally, the trigger for a binge and purge being purely emotional instead of related to an attempt at controlling their eating. Draco, Severus had told them, landed somewhere between the two. He would eat normally sometimes, then would begin to restrict his intake, possibly out of fear of inducing a binge, and by doing so, would end up binging on more food than was normal or healthy. As an attempt to 'undo' or 'fix' the binge, and regain control, he would then force himself to vomit, or exercise obsessively.

Because the cycle was different, the treatment was as well. They were to offer Draco three meals and three snacks, just like Harry, as well as unlimited access to the kitchen. Draco was not, however, to be forced to eat the way that Harry was. He simply had to come to the table for each meal. Snape had further explained that the more control they could give him over what, and how much he ate, the better. Allowing Draco to add his own toppings to his yogurt was a simple way to do that.

When Sirius placed the bowls in front of the two teens, he suppressed a chuckle at Draco's face. He could remember being a young teen, in the Potter's house. He had constantly been surprised, and often disgusted, with the food that Mrs. Potter served them. The Potters, not unlike the Weasley's, had been an unusual pure blood family. They hadn't had house elves, or servants at all. Mrs. Potter had done all the cooking and shopping for her family, and so the foods that she served tended to be more simple. Once Sirius had learned to give them a chance, he had been introduced into a wonderful new world of comfort foods, and snack foods, and wondered why he had ever turned up his nose at the 'simple' dishes his pseudo mother had offered him.

Harry, unsurprisingly, did not notice Draco's upturned nose. He couldn't see past the difference in how they had been served. "Why does he get to add his own toppings?" He protested, sounding more like a 4 year old than the fifteen year old that he was. "That's not fair!"

Sirius rolled his eyes, glancing at Remus as they both silently wondered how often they would have to have this conversation. "Harry," He said as gently as he could manage. "You are on a specific meal plan for your health. Draco's needs are different, and so he is going to be treated differently." Sirius didn't bother addressing the question of fairness, He knew he didn't need to remind his godson that life wasn't fair, and he doubted the comment would have been helpful anyway, it rarely was.

After that, the snack passed by quietly. Harry fussed a bit about how much he had to eat to be considered 'done'. But eventually they were all finished and Remus was cleaning the bowls. Seeing as it was Christmas eve, Sirius suggested that they give Draco some time to get settled in his room, while he drove Harry to his therapy appointment, and then after lunch they all settle in the parlor to watch some muggle Christmas movies.

While no one seemed particularly excited about the plans, no one protested either. And within fifteen minutes Sirius found himself behind the wheel of their muggle car, with Harry staring wistfully out the window next to him. "What's on your mind pup?" He asked quietly. They and Lou had agreed that between the holiday, and Draco's arrival, Harry would benefit from an extra session this week. Sirius had noticed that Harry had been eating today with less argument than before, but he couldn't help worrying that his sullen mood was not a good thing.

Harry chewed his lip, his eyes not leaving the car window as he watched the streets pass by. For a long moment Sirius thought he wasn't going to respond. "Draco still loves his parents…"

The older wizard frowned, unsure what Harry was getting at, "I'm sure he does, kid, it's complicated with family… you can love them and also be mad at them for what they've done."

Harry gave a half nod, "I don't think he's mad at them…"

"Yeah, I get that sense too… sometimes it takes people some time to get mad, or maybe it just takes them time to feel safe expressing the mad. If you're angry about something, you're admitting that what happened was wrong. Draco might just not be ready to do that yet."

Harry was chewing his lip again, Sirius tried to bite his tongue and give him time to say whatever it was he was thinking. As they pulled into the parking lot of Lou's practice, his patience paid off.

"Do you think there's something wrong with me?" He asked, so softly Sirius almost couldn't hear him. "Like maybe I'm not capable of loving people like that…"

Sirius put the car in park and turned towards his godson, he wasn't exactly sure what harry was saying, but his heart broke for him. "Oh pup, you are so capable of love, I've seen it many times. You are loving to all sorts of people, your friends, Remus and me. What makes you think you aren't capable of love?"

Harry wouldn't look at his godfather, infact, he looked as though he wanted to bolt from the car. But after a deep breath, with clenched fists and his eyes trained on his shoes, he answered. "Draco still loves his parents, he wants to be with them, even though they were horrible to him. I… I couldn't wait to get away from the Dursleys… I've never loved them, I wasn't sad about leaving. I was scared, scared about you guys finding out what they did, or about going back, but I don't miss them, I've never wished that I could go back." As he finished speaking he finally dared to glance up at the dark haired wizard next to him.

Sirius sighed, and tousled his godson's hair, the most physical affection he knew Harry could tolerate most days. "Oh pup," He breathed. "You are not broken. What those monsters did to you was…. unforgivable. I won't say it was worse than what Draco experienced, but I think it was a bit different… and you're different. Everyone has their own way of dealing with trauma, and it's not wrong to be angry." Sirius sighed and considered his words carefully. "You wouldn't judge Draco for hating his family, right?"

The black mop shook, "Of course not!"

Sirius smiled, "Well then why judge yourself? I understand that it's hard. And maybe, seeing Draco so conflicted makes you sad that you weren't. Because to some extent, I imagine that Draco loves his parents because on some level, they love him. Or at least, he believes that they love him. And that might make you sad, or angry, because it reminds you that the Dursley's didn't even pretend to love you. Just remember pup, it's okay to feel those feelings… But the way the Dursley's treated you, that was on them. It's not your fault, or because of you in any way. They alone are responsible for their actions, all you're responsible for is for doing your best to heal those wounds."

Harry bit his lip and nodded solemnly. After a moment he opened the car door, and they headed in for his appointment.

. Trigger Warning: Repressed memories and dissociation talk

Harry sat nervously digging his fingernails into his palms, as he watched Lou reading his journal entry. He hadn't planned to share it with her, but at the start of their session she had asked how the journaling was going, and he had passed it to her without much thought. Now, as he sat watching her read, he could think of all sorts of reasons he wouldn't want her to. I don't really want to hear her thoughts on it… she's going to think it's stupid. And that I'm stupid, and crazy. "I don't actually believe in Father Christmas" He awkwardly clarified as she set the journal down on the table between them.

Lou smiled, her warm, genuine smile. Harry tried to remind himself what Sirius had said, about him being responsible for healing wounds. I like Lou, and when I was honest with her last summer, she was able to help me… I just have to be willing to… Oh gosh I hate this!

"I love it," Lou said enthusiastically. "I may even steal it as an assignment for other patients in the future. I think it's a great exercise. What made you think of it?"

Harry shrugged, feeling awkward and at a loss for words. "I dunno… erm, it's something they made us do in primary school." You have to talk to her if you want her to help, he told himself firmly. "And, well, when I lived at the dursleys I couldn't really be honest about what I wanted… If I'd written a letter saying I wanted shoes that fit, or a proper winter coat… Or a real Christmas supper… They would have killed me." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, trying to ignore how much fell out when he did so. Apparently it was a side effect of malnutrition. "So I just thought it would be fun to write one that was real."

Lucy nodded "I think it's great Harry. I like to see how much effort you're putting into this, I know it's hard to do, and I appreciate it." When Harry just nodded, she continued. "So do you want to explore this idea a bit, how things would have been different if Remus and Sirius had adopted you earlier?"

Harry shrugged again.

After a pause, with a look of almost hesitation, she added, "You say in the letter, specifically, that you wish they would have adopted you when you were three years old. Is there a reason for that specific age?"

"I dunno" Harry said quickly, probably too quickly, although he honestly hadn't thought about it much, it had just been the age that came to him when he was writing. "I guess I just meant young, like young enough that I wouldn't remember them being horrible and stuff."

Lou pursed her lips together, the way she did whenever Harry said something that revealed more than he had meant to. "Why do you think you asked to be rescued earlier, instead of asking to have never gone to the Dursleys at all? Or to have your parent's not die in the first place?"

For a moment Harry couldn't breathe, he felt arms around his throat, choking him. Tears welled up in his eyes, he wanted to say something, to tell Lou to get the person choking him away from him, but the words wouldn't come. After a moment, Lou's face came into view, and Harry could hear her speaking. Her voice was echoey and distorted, but he could see her face. He stared at her, forcing himself to focus on her face until her words came into focus.

"Breathe Harry, breathe for me. You are safe, you're safe, just keep breathing." After a few repetitions of this, and similar things, Harry could feel the air in his lungs again, and only the shadow of a hand around his neck. He nodded to his therapist, and she seemed to understand that he was okay.

Once he had calmed down, Lou suggested that they play a game for the rest of their time together, and when Harry didn't have any objections, she went over to her game cupboard and came back with a deck of cards. They played rummy, since it was one of the only muggle card games they both knew. For the most part they played in silence, only speaking when required to by the game. Harry tried to focus on the cards, but his mind was a mess. Thoughts flew around disconnected but connected. Images flashed violently enough to make him flinch. But one question kept taunting him. Why did I say three years old? Why does it matter? I don't even remember being three, should I? Did something happen that I can't remember? That last question especially taunted him. His gut ached, making him want to vomit, at the idea that he may have blocked out memories of his time at the Dursleys. It wasn't like he thought back on those memories much anyway, but the idea that things had happened that he couldn't remember, even if he wanted to? It shook him to the core.

As they finished up their game, with only a few minutes left in the session, he finally got up the courage to speak. "I… I can't think about my mum and dad being alive, I just can't. I don't ever think about what it would be like." He paused for a moment, staring at the carpet while Lou packed up the cards.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw her nod, "Okay Harry," she said quietly.

He nodded back, and before he lost his nerve, he added, "And I don't know what's significant about me having been three years old… I didn't put much thought into it when I was writing. But I think you're probably on to something… it is significant… I just can't remember why."

He finally chanced meeting his therapist's eyes, and she offered a soft, sympathetic smile. "Thank you for saying that Harry, I imagine it was difficult to do so. I'm proud of you today, I know it's been hard but you've done very well." She paused and stood, walking over to the cabinet to put away the cards. While her back was turned she continued speaking, Harry wondered if it was intentional. Maybe she didn't want him to see her face as she spoke, or she didn't want to see his. Or perhaps she was simply trying to give him a bit of privacy to process.

"It's not uncommon for children who've lived in abusive homes to have large gaps in their memories. Sometimes our brains hide things from us, until we are more safely able to process them. Other times we never remember, or we remember only bits and pieces. Sometimes our memories are wrong, and we realize that the memory we have in place is inaccurate, but we don't have the accurate one to take its place." She paused, turning around to look at him, "It's a scary process, but it's a really big step to recognize that there are things you don't remember. We can keep working through it as you're ready. But remember Harry, nothing you do, or don't remember, is going to change who you are right now. We're just uncovering pieces of the puzzle, pieces of the story that brought you to where you are right now."

Harry gave a shaky nod, "Thanks Lou."

Harry sat in the car fidgeting, they had agreed that Lucy would talk to Sirius about how their session had gone. She promised not to give him any details, but wanted to touch base with him so that he and Remus were aware of how Harry was doing, and how they could help him. Harry hadn't bothered to ask about that, 'how they could help'. He had just taken the keys from Sirius and gotten out of the building as quickly as he could. But now he couldn't help but wonder, what are the therapeutic responses to helping someone who's gone completely mental? Possibly forgotten their own childhood? Harry curled his legs up to his chest and buried his face in the arms of his baggy sweatshirt.

Who cares? Nothing feels real anymore… Maybe today didn't even really happen. He felt as though he was watching a movie of his life, or maybe living someone else's life entirely. A random memory, of something someone had told him in grade school, popped into his head. It was a joke of sorts; ducks, if taken away from their mothers at birth and raised by humans, will imprint on the human and think that it's their mother. This goes so far that the duck actually thinks it is a human. The joke was to then say, 'so now I'm sitting here wondering if I'm just a duck who thinks he's a human.'

Harry hadn't really thought it was all that funny, or even understood it really. But just now, he felt like he might just be a duck, tricked into thinking it was a human. Like my whole life is made up… Like I'm the only thing that's real, or maybe the only thing that's not…. Lou had called it dissociating, when he had briefly explained how he felt at the end of the session. He didn't really care what it was called, and to be honest he wasn't sure he minded. It was kind of nice to be numb, to pretend nothing was real.

A few minutes later Sirius got back in the car, and they headed home. Harry honestly wasn't sure if his godfather had tried to talk to him. He pretended to sleep most of the way, and when they got home, he forced himself to keep it together through lunch, to fake it, and then melted into a puddle on the couch.

Sirius corralled the other two inhabitants to join them, and they all spent the afternoon watching movies. Harry didn't even notice what was on, before he knew it, it was time for bed, and the whole day had gone by in a blur.

End Trigger Warning: Harry lets Lou read his Father Christmas letter, and she questions why he specified 3 years old as when he wanted to be saved. Harry has a panic attack and realizes that he may be forgetting parts of his childhood.