I know it's been forever, I'm sorry. I wish I was better at this but I'm not. But the good news is I'm writing now... I'm working on chapter 38 atm and really hoping to get ahead enough in writing to finish and just be editing/posting soon.

Please review, I always appreciate hearing how you like it! No specific triggers for this chapter.

Chapter Thirty Six: Christmas Past

Harry stood nervously by the floo, waiting for everyone to be ready to head to the Weasleys. I can't believe I haven't been to the burrow in over a year, he thought to himself. And what a year it's been, this time last year I never would have guessed… I was still in the midst of the competition… Cedric was still alive… Harry made a point of not thinking about the competition, or Cedric, all that often these days, but the thought had snuck up on him. He gulped as memories from the graveyard came rushing back. I don't have time for that today.He thought to himself sternly, biting his lip and digging his nails into his palms until he started to calm down. He had enough to worry about. Surely Mrs. Weasley was making a magnificent feast for them all, and how was he supposed to eat it, to pretend to be normal, around all those people?

Before Harry could spiral any further, Remus appeared, with Sirius and Draco close behind him. "Alright boys," the werewolf said seriously, "Before we go we want to lay down some ground rules."

Harry gulped, he didn't like the sound of that. One glance to his right told him that Draco was thinking the same thing. "Ground rules?" He asked hesitantly.

Sirius nodded, and Remus continued. "Now we understand that holidays pose an extra challenge to you both. And we want to be sensitive to that, but following your treatment plan is non-negotiable, even on holidays. So we are going to ask that both of you stick close by during the meals. Sirius will make a plate for you Harry, and I will make one for Draco. You are of course, welcome to eat other things, snacks and what not throughout the day, but you will need to eat what is on your plate regardless of what you've chosen to eat on your own." This last bit was directed at Harry. "And Draco we simply ask that you remain at the table until we excuse you, and then stay in sight for an hour after leaving the table."

Both teens rolled their eyes, but no one argued. And in a whirl or green flames, Harry found himself in the flurry and rush of Christmas at the Burrow.

The twins enveloped him in a hug, hoisting him high above their heads and onto their shoulders. "The savior is here, the boy who lived!" They shouted in mock admiration.

Harry rolled his eyes "oiy, let me down you goons!" He complained. Ron barreled into the room moments later.

The twins laughed, but agreeably placed Harry on his own two feet. "Sorry Harry," George said with a smile.

"We're just so excited…" Fred explained.

"To be meeting a celebrity and all" George continued.

"Why, we hear you've even been to rehab!"

"Like a real Hollywood star!"

Harry rolled his eyes at the twins' antics, but appreciated their clever way of breaking the tension.

"Sorry to disappoint, but maybe the loony bin is even more Hollywood?"

George laughed as Fred missed Harry's hair. "Not as scandalous, but we're your top fans even if you're crazy!"

Ron rolled his eyes and grabbed Harry's arm gently "come on, let's get away from these idiots," He grumbled.

"Sorry boys, maybe if you ask me later I can do some autographs" he joked as he walked away with his friend.

It surprised Harry how easy it was to slip back into his normal self… Of course there was that unsure, anxious kid hiding beneath the surface, but it was easy enough to put up a mask and be "normal".

Once they were up in the quiet of Ron's room, looking at Ron's Christmas presents, which includes some new quidditch books and a set of gob stones. Harry let his guard slip a bit. For a while they just sat quietly, playing gob stones and occasionally chatting about the Christmas holiday.

Eventually, Ron glanced up anxiously, pausing in the game, and asked "So how are you doing really?" He glanced down at the game again as he quickly added "Mum and Dad told us you were in the hospital, but they wouldn't say anything else…"

Harry grimaced and shrugged "I'm okay, I guess" he said, sounding as hesitant as Ron had. Talking about feelings was hardly either of their strong suits. Where is Hermione when you need her? He sighed to himself, he was supposed to work on being more honest, and who better to be honest with that my best friend?

"I was in hospital, I sort of passed out in Snape's office…"

Ron's eyes went wide. "Oh man mate, that's miserable! Was it because… because…"

Harry sighed, saving his friend from the awkwardness and trying to remind himself that it was his own fault that things were awkward. "Because I wasn't eating? Yeah, a bit… I was also using some caffeine pills that apparently were really dangerous."

Now Ron sat back, their game abandoned. "Pills? Are you okay now?"

Harry felt his cheeks heating up. "Yeah, well sort of. I guess I kind of damaged my heart because of the caffeine… and maybe from not eating too. They have me on some medicine to help it heal, but they aren't sure it will work." As he said it, the weight of his reality started to come crashing down a bit. All morning he had been on edge, fighting off memories of Christmases past, and now the seriousness of his health was threatening to bring him to tears.

He dug his nails into his palms and took a deep breath. "It's fine though," he said quickly. "I'm sure it will all work out."

Ron looked reluctant to move on, but nodded and turned back to their game. "And now Draco is living with you? That's got to be miserable!"

Harry took a moment to collect himself and take his own turn at the game before he responded. "It's not so bad, he's got a lot going on right now…"

Ron nodded awkwardly, "it's all been in the prophet… though you never know how true that stuff is. But I guess if he's living with you guys, some of it must be."

Harry nodded noncommittally, it's not my story to tell. "So you said Ginny got a broom for Christmas? We should go flying after this, maybe Sirius will let me run home and get my firebolt!"

Ron took the bait and nodded enthusiastically. As they finished their game they talked of pick up teams and flying techniques.

Remus refused to let Harry fly, claiming that his health was still too fragile. Harry was angry about it, and had half a mind to show his guardians how wrong they were, but instead he settled outside with a blanket and watched the Weasleys play.

Not long after they had started, Draco came out and joined him. Harry was sitting huddled under a thick blanket that he would guess had a warming charm on it, and offered some of it to his blonde friend. "It gets cold if you're just sitting here."

Draco grunted, but accepted the offer. "they're pretty good."

Harry rolled his eyes "You don't have to sound so surprised, that's half the Gryffendor team up there!"

Draco smirked, "exactly."

They sat mostly in silence, sometimes commenting on the different plays they watched the ginger wizards attempt. Before either of them knew it, Mrs. Weasley was calling everyone in for dinner. Harry gulped nervously and stole a glance at Draco before they both stood and followed the group into the large kitchen.

Christmas dinner was a feast, Harry sighed as he remembered that Mrs. Weasley was a fantastic cook, he wasn't sure he would taste an ounce of the meal. But he survived. Sirius sat next to him, flashing him encouraging smiles and taking the pressure off of his godson in conversation. Eventually everyone was done, and they all migrated to the cozy living room around the tree. Mrs. Weasley passed out hot coco (which Harry politely declined) while the kids started to pass out gifts. The next hour passed peacefully, and Harry had nearly dozed off when Siriur gently shook his shoulder and let him know it was time to head home.

Harry had a smile on his face as he was ejected out of the fireplace into grimmauld place, but stepping back into the living room felt like having a bucket of cold water dumped onto his head. He sighed as he stood up and did his best not to scowl at his overly cheerful godfather.

"What a fun night!" Sirius said enthusiastically."And you did great pup, You cleaned your plate no problem!"

Now Harry didn't bother hiding his scowl. "Gee thanks, I already feel like a cow, no need to rub it in."

Sirius frowned at the sudden change in attitude, but before he could respond Remus and Draco were coming through the fireplace. "Alright you two, hit the showers and get ready for bed. How about we eat our bedtime snack in front of the TV tonight?"

"I'm not hungry!" Harry practically shouted as he stormed off towards his room. Remus raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. Draco rolled his eyes and headed towards his own room.

"Happy Christmas to us," Sirius muttered sarcastically.

Harry quickly grabbed his toiletries and headed to the bathroom. He turned the water as hot as it would go, and tried to tune out the thoughts racing through his head. Why is this happening? He thought desperately as he stepped into the near boiling stream of water. He winced, hoping that the pain would help distract him. It's so loud, it's loud in my head. How is that even possible? Images were flashing through his head, it felt like they were slapping him in the face. Uncle Vernon Yelling, his red angry face far too close to Harry's, Dudley grabbing him by the collar and punching him in the gut, the whole family stuffing their faces at the table, and Harry watching from the grate in his cupboard door. Laying in the dark in his cupboard and hearing the creak of his uncle's steps coming down the stairs in the middle of the night…

STOP Harry wanted to scream it. He balled his fists, and stood under the stream of water as long as he dared. Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just have one night? He leaned his head against the cool glass of the mirror for a moment, but it didn't help, nothing would help. Sirius had knocked on the door calling for him to hurry up three times already, and Harry could hear the worry in his voice. He took a deep breath, and dressed quickly, hurrying out into the drafty house before he could think about it too much.

He found Remus in the parlor, setting out a snack of yogurt and fruit on the coffee table. "There you are, any ideas on what movie we should watch?" He asked cheerfully.

Harry gulped, the sight of the yogurt made him want to gag. Veron and Dudley shoveling pudding into their chubby faces, their neck fat looking like it could choke them, the image made Harry visibly recoil. "I'm not hungry," He said quickly, almost desperately.

His tone must have given away his panic, because Remus froze, turning to look at his ward with concern. "Harry," he said gently, "I know it's been a long day, and I can only imagine how difficult it has been for you." He hesitated, "You've done such a wonderful job today. If you don't think you can manage the yogurt, you can have a shake instead." This last bit was said in a kind, but firm voice that Harry knew meant that he was not going to talk his way out of eating tonight.

"I can't," He practically whispered. The panic was building inside him, I'm going to throw up, oh God, I can't breathe. Remus was walking towards him looking concerned, but then an image of Uncle Vernon in the dark slapped him. Remus had his hand on Harry's back, guiding him to the couch. But Harry felt a different hand, in different places.

A vial was being pressed against his lips. Harry forced himself, against every instinct, to swallow. Within seconds he could breathe again, but his chest still felt tight. He shut his eyes, but that made the flashes worse. "I can't," He repeated. "I'm sorry Remus," the words came out in a choked, nearly sobbing voice. Harry dug his nails into his palms, desperate to gain some control over himself. "I'm sorry Remus, but I just can't tonight."

One more deep breath and dared to open his eyes and glance at his guardian. Remus was studying his face with a sad expression. The werewolf pressed his lips together for a moment before speaking. "Harry," He said slowly, "if you can't eat, we have to go to the hospital and get your snack through a.. a feeding tube." He stumbled at the end, looking increasingly worried as he spoke.

For a moment Harry thought that maybe he would be able to weasel his way out of this. Remus looked like he didn't want to make good on that threat anymore than Harry wanted him too. But the look of dread was mixed with a look of determination that made Harry's heart sink. He gulped, and glanced at the bowls of waiting yogurt again, looking away quickly as images started to surface. "I know…" He said quietly, "I'm sorry but I just can't do it tonight." He took another deep breath, a feeling of relief washing over him simultaneously with a wave of panic. "I know I need to eat Remus, I'm not trying to be difficult. I don't know what's wrong with me tonight but I just know that I can't open my mouth and put food in it, I can't swallow. I can't do it tonight."

Remus frowned for a moment, then nodded. "Okay Harry, it's okay. You don't have to be sorry, I know that you're working hard. It's okay." Remus stood now, and gestured for Harry to follow him. "Come on pup, lets go talk to Sirius for a minute and then we can get this over with."

Harry followed quietly as they headed down the hall towards Draco's room. He felt numb, it was so loud inside his head, but also suddenly empty and quiet. He just felt tired. He was barely looking where he was going as he rounded the corner after Remus. In his foggy tired state, he stared at the scene before them with his mouth hanging open for far too long.

Draco and Sirius sat on the floor, Draco leaning back against his bed, his legs sprawled out in front of him, looking pale and blank. Sirius was crouched next to the teen, pressing a bandage against the boy's forearm. Harry's stomach dropped.

Remus moved quickly, grabbing Harry by the arm and leading him out of the room. "Wait here Harry," he said quickly. When Harry just stared at him he grabbed both of his arms. "Harry, I need you to promise me that you'll wait right here," He said urgently.

Harry nodded "Yes, okay…" Harry nodded too, for good measure. He could see the fear in Remus's eyes, and he wasn't sure if it was fear for Draco, or fear of what Harry might do unsupervised.