Yay! Another chapter! Sorry it took awhile to update, been busy with life stuff that couldn't be ignored.
Based on MasakoX's What If series "What if Gine went with Goku to Earth?", but a retcon with some changes of my own on how I think the story would have went down had Goku's mother escaped planet Vegeta with him.
DISCLAIMER: The following is a fan-based work of fiction. Dragonball Minus, Dragonball, Dragonball Z, Dragonball Super, and Dragonball GT are all owned by FUNimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama.
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CHAPTER 38: A GOOD HEART
Raditz groaned in his sleep. He was dreaming about something he couldn't understand. But whatever it was, it was as horrible as the gnawing headache that was making itself more known to him as he regained consciousness.
He opened his tired eyes, then shut them again tightly. The morning sunlight was too intense, and everything around him was spinning. The terrible pain in his head was now excruciating. It felt like an axe had been lodged into his cranium. It was all too much, he fell back onto his pillow and passed out for a time. When he came to again the spinning had stopped but the pain was still there, his dream already forgotten.
"Uuugh. My head." Raditz croaked weakly to himself. He brought up a free hand and massaged his temples, trying to will the pain away. But it didn't go away. Oh how he hated hangovers. He'd rather have a mountain fall on top of him than suffer from this.
Shaking off the cobwebs of sleep he looked around to take stock. He was lying in his own bed at his capsule house, thankfully, and judging from the angle of sunlight shining through his bedroom window it must have been mid-morning. It was a... Saturday? Yes! Yes it was a Saturday. And a rest day. He also realized he was naked under the covers. His and some other articles of clothing he didn't recognize littered the floor next to an overstuffed duffle bag, and for some reason his other arm felt heavy.
What happened? Raditz thought, trying to ignore the throbbing headache. The last thing he remembered from the previous night was...
Raditz felt movement next to him and he stiffened in alarm. He wasn't alone in his bed. Cautiously, he looked over to his other side. He saw messy dark blue hair, and the sweet face of Launch sleeping peacefully. She rested her head on his shoulder and clung her arms around his barrel chest, an empty bottle of Dragon Fire rum in her hand. She too was naked under the covers.
"Oh." Said Raditz.
He remembered now. The robbery, the bar, the brawl, the flight home, the kiss... then snippets of hazy yet lewd imagery before blacking out entirely. Truly a good time from start to finish yesterday.
Launch readjusted herself in her sleep to a more comfortable position, unconsciously wrapping his tail around her with the blankets. Raditz gazed at her as she softly snored away. He wondered if he ought to feel ashamed of himself for bedding with a weakling human. He remembered the mental anguish he put himself through yesterday as he contemplated whether or not if he could seek companionship with an Earthling. But now after the deed had been done, he didn't feel bothered at all. In fact, he felt great. More rejuvenated and whole than he ever thought possible from being in someone else's company. Who would've thought such an innocent-looking human female could be so fun to be with?! Not to mention limber too.
Then Raditz realized something when he looked down at Launch again. She wasn't Blonde Launch anymore. She must have sneezed in her sleep. Would she remember anything when she woke up?
As if on cue, Launch stirred, and her large eyes fluttered open groggily. They were bloodshot, and she grimaced from her own painful hangover, bringing up a hand to massage her temples. Once she was awake enough, her gaze drifted up to his. A look of confusion spread across her face.
"Raditz?" She said.
"Uh..." He hesitated, remaining frozen in place. It seemed to him that she did not remember.
Launch looked down at herself and saw that they were both laying naked in bed together. Her eyes went wide.
"Ah!" She sat straight up in bed and tried to cover herself with the sheets. "What the... how did I get here?!" She shrieked.
Raditz averted his gaze. Although he and Launch in her blonde-form had just been intimate, he somehow felt it was wrong to ogle her now. He wasn't sure how her personality changes worked or how it affected her memory. For all he knew, her blue-haired and blonde-haired forms could be two different people sharing the same body and mind, each with their own unique memory. As fascinating as that idea was, Raditz felt an uncomfortable notion that also could mean that one personality could do things the other did not consent to. But he was trying his damnedest to not stare, for Launch looked so gorgeous with nothing on.
"Don't you remember?" Raditz asked. "We robbed a bank yesterday. It was your... well, your blonde-form's idea. Then you took me to a bar where we started a fight with everyone. Then we end up here last night. I don't remember much after that though, that Dragon Fire stuff was quite potent." He said honestly.
"What?!" Launch exclaimed. She saw the bottle she had dropped, and then the duffle bag of stolen money on the floor next to her discarded clothes.
"Oh no! Not again!" She cried out.
"So... you don't remember?" Raditz asked gingerly, feeling somewhat disappointed.
Launch turned to him, she looked distraught. "No. I remember everything."
"Oh." Raditz said, suddenly confused. "I thought you didn't with... I mean, you know, you turning between your normal self and your blonde form."
She shook her head. "I can remember things, but whenever I sneeze and turn into my Bad Self, it's like being in a dream. I can see and feel everything happening, but I have no control over my actions whenever my Bad Self takes over."
A cold nausea hit Raditz, and it wasn't from his hangover. If what she said about having no control over herself was true, then did that mean...
"You did nothing wrong, Raditz." Said Launch, as if reading his mind. "Personality changes are not the same as being drunk. You didn't take advantage of me. Even if you tried, my Bad Self would have kicked your butt before you tried anything funny. She's the stronger one anyway..." She said, her voice trailing off.
Raditz let out a sigh of relief. But despite her reassurances, he still felt like he had done something wrong. Even if her personalities inhabited the same body, one still had to be an observer whether they liked it or not, from just sneezing! And though he preferred Blonde Launch for her fiery spirit, this girl was so pure and kind that he found her enduring. He felt bad that this lovely woman had to be trapped in her own body while someone else took over. He couldn't imagine having to live a life of not being in control of his own body. It would be a terrible fate.
"How do you stand it?" He wondered aloud, not realizing he had spoken.
Launch looked at him with surprise, as if no one had ever asked her that question before. After a pause, she shrugged and gave a sad smile.
"Nothing that can be done about it. But... I learned to live with it. Blonde or not, I'm still me for better or worse. And my Bad Self does come in handy from time to time, getting me out of bad situations. Like how I, or well, she, told you about my father and all." Her tone turned melancholic. "But, more often than not, she gets me into bad situations..." She gestured toward the duffle bag of money in disgust.
"It's just... I don't want to cause trouble. I don't like hurting people. And I don't want to be a criminal." Her eyes shimmered with tears. "But... I can't control her. My Bad Self, she brings out the worst in me. And she's much stronger than I am. More than I ever could be! And there's nothing I can do about it!"
Launch dropped the sheets she was holding and cupped her face with her hands. "I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON!" He choked out, her shoulders shuddering as she sobbed.
The sight of Launch so crestfallen, so angry at herself, and so naked in every sense of the word, pulled something within Raditz's heart. This sweet girl who would never hurt a fly could be so fragile sometimes, but he never knew how much it weighed on Launch with what she had to deal with from her alter ego. The threat of losing her free will at any moment looming over her seemed to get to him, for he knew that feeling. He and anyone else under Frieza could be executed at random and for no reason other than for the lizard tyrant's sick pleasure, and no one could do anything about it either. No one should ever have to live in fear like that.
He tried to think of something, anything, to try and comfort her.
"No! Launch, that isn't true!" Raditz reached over and placed his hands on her shoulders. "You're not a horrible person at all!" He declared.
Launch shook her head. "Yes I am!" She wailed.
Not willing to let her fester in her sadness, Raditz shook her gently. "No are you are not! Now listen to me!"
Launch briefly stopped crying, looking up at him with puffy eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.
"You. Are. NOT. A bad person. Okay?" Raditz painfully emphasized. "It's not your fault you were born with something you had no say in, any more than it's my fault for being born as a low-class Saiyan warrior."
He was surprised he uttered those words himself. When did he feel comfortable enough to say what he always felt without being ridiculed or killed or both? He pushed those thoughts aside though. "And as for your blonde alter ego, for all her faults, she is a good person at heart." He said honestly.
Launch paused in her sniffling, and looked at Raditz incredulously. "R-really?"
Raditz nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! I mean, you... er, she made sure that no one got hurt. Or, at least, no one that didn't deserve to get hurt. And you remember how we managed to help some folks down on their luck with the money we stole. So, some good came out of what she did. And I remember how everyone of our friends speaks highly of your alter ego whenever they needed you. So you have nothing to worry about, Launch."
She looked down at herself in thought. Raditz was aware that he was holding her naked in full view, but didn't care about that now. He just wanted her to feel better.
"I suppose... you're right." Launch said after a while. "I mean, if our friends like her too and... if she did some good in the world... then I guess she isn't that bad."
Raditz smiled to himself. "Yeah! That's a good way to look at it. Believe me, compared to all the things I've done, your alter ego is a saint. So no. You're not a bad person at all, Launch."
Launch cocked her head curiously at him, then innocently asked, "Things you've done? Like what?"
Raditz's smile faded. He should haven chosen his words more carefully, and thinking about his own past was something he really did not want to talk about. But there was no taking it back now.
As he contemplated Launch's question, a flood of memories of every unspeakably evil act he had ever done over his lifetime came to his mind. Whole worlds conquered, countless cities burned, and entire civilizations wiped from existence. All by his own hand. Far too many for him to have kept track of except for certain images that stuck, like the different faces of all the people that trembled in fear before him, all of them begging for mercy, and all of them screaming horribly in their final moments before he vaporized them. Men, women, young, old, and many more. Millions, perhaps billions of them. Basically, he was a mass murderer on a scale that Earthlings like Launch could not even comprehend.
Admittedly each of those acts of genocide were done under Frieza's command, but Raditz would be lying if he said he didn't take some form of pleasure in what he did when he was doing it back then. And he remembered the games, the torturing of natives that somehow survived the purging of their planets. How he and his former compatriots would set them loose to hunt down for sport, or forcing them at ki-point to fight each other to the death, or make them choose the least painful ways they could be executed, and much worse things that he believed if he revealed to Launch, she would either faint from sheer horror or flee in outrage.
Although he had long since been hardened to the incalculable pain and suffering he inflicted, there was a faint part of his conscience that cries out in remorse for what he has done. After having experienced freedom, real friendships, and a twinge of happiness he had found here on Earth, that little voice inside had grown to a scream in his mind, reminding him constantly that he did not deserve any of these things here for all he had done...
Launch looked at him expectantly. Raditz realized he had been just sitting there silently lost in his thoughts for over a minute. He didn't want to answer her, for he didn't want her to reject him. He enjoyed her company too much. But, if he wanted to make her feel better about herself, he had to be truthful with her.
"Planets." He murmured.
"Huh?" Said Launch, not comprehending.
Raditz breathed deep and looked away as he clarified. "I wiped out entire planets. I've killed billions of people in the name of Frieza."
Launch's face paled and her eyes went wide with shock. Raditz felt his heart sink, but went on anyway.
"It was my duty as a Saiyan warrior to follow his orders, or else I'd have been executed if I failed or refused. But sometimes I... I enjoyed killing all those people."
Just saying it out loud to her was more difficult than he thought, but at least it was out now.
An uncomfortable silence fell in the bedroom, broken only by the chirping of birds outside. Launch was utterly speechless, and regarded Raditz with an expression he couldn't read as his words sunk in. Raditz still looked away, as he couldn't bare to look her in the eye.
Strange, Raditz thought. He never before felt shame for his actions, or even for boasting about them. Since childhood Raditz had accepted that killing was an inescapable part of life under Frieza, and had no regrets about doing what he had to do in order to survive. He wasn't that naïve to believe that morals meant something in the harsh existence he had. And he meant it when he said there were times he enjoyed inflicting pain on his victims. It was fun, but buried deep within, it distressed him greatly that he was doing something so unspeakably wrong. How could that even be? He was a Saiyan, he was supposed to enjoy the brutality! But on some level he felt appalled at himself for it. He suspected that he got that flicker of conscience from his soft-hearted mother.
Now, in front of this one human female whom he had developed as sort of, what, an intimate companionship?... he felt he was being rightly judged for his sins. And he dreaded her condemnation of him as much as losing the physical intimacy they had.
Oh well, at least it was fun while it lasted. He thought defeatedly. While tensely waiting for her reaction, his gaze felt drawn to his discarded gi on the floor, next to Launch's clothes and the other garments that littered Raditz's dwelling. He wasn't the best when it came to housekeeping...
"Why..." Launch started to say, but fell silent again as she tried to articulate her next words. What could anybody really say after a confession like his?
"Why did you enjoy killing them?" She said finally. Her gaze and tone were neutral, but a hint of desperation for assurance or answers was in her voice.
Raditz jerked his head toward her finally. He was not expecting that kind of response.
His knee-jerk reaction was to say it was because he is a Saiyan, that he has a natural bloodlust. But he didn't say that. While it was true to an extent, Raditz instead thought of the other reason why he took joy in slaughtering innocent people, one he knew to be true about himself and had never confided to anyone.
"Because... I was weak." Raditz said at last. "Always have been. No matter how hard I tried, I never could beat any strong foe or take over a respectable planet by myself without help from my old comrades... or defend myself from my old comrades either."
He said that last part bitterly, wincing at remembering all of the times Vegeta and Nappa had beaten him to a pulp over his slightest mistakes, or even for just because they felt like pushing him around, and he couldn't stop them. Much like how he could never stop his enemies unless he had help or cheated. Even though Raditz prided himself for being a clever fighter, he would have died many times over without having to weasel his way out of situations or be bailed out by someone else. Because of that, he would never measure up to being a real Saiyan warrior, even for a low-class one. And this was before he found out that he did have the potential to get stronger after training with his mother. All those years of being trampled over, and all those lives he needlessly ended for his own benefit, were wasted because he never even tried to get stronger. His father would be very disappointed in him...
"I spent my entire life being treated like garbage, and was always told that I would never amount to anything more than cannon fodder... and I believed it, no matter how much I hated it. So I took it out on others who were weaker than I to make myself feel better. Because they couldn't fight back or get stronger... like me."
As he talked, Raditz felt a surge of bottled emotions he never thought he had welling up within him. His throat constricted involuntarily, and felt his eyes watering at the edges.
"I'm... I'm no Saiyan warrior. I'm a coward. If anyone's a bad person here, it's me." He finally admitted, to himself more than to Launch who just sat there silently.
Raditz took a shaky breath and wiped his eyes with his wrist while mentally berating himself. Why was he feeling all of these crippling emotions like a crybaby? He wanted to blame how his irritation from the hangover was getting to him while feeling distressed enough already, but that was still unbecoming of him as a man, let alone a Saiyan. And why would he confess his darkest secret to a human female he only just mated with?! Saiyan mates don't share such personal secrets to each other. They only fulfilled each other's carnal needs and prepared their offspring for their destined missions as warriors, that was all. He was being pathetic!
But he couldn't help himself. Raditz let the tears fall down his cheeks and tried to hide his face from Launch, he didn't want her to see him like this.
Raditz felt Launch scooting closer to him, and was then surprised to feel her slender arms wrap around his neck, pulling him into an embrace. The gesture was so comforting that Raditz tried his hardest not to break down entirely.
"Oh, Raditz. It's okay! You're not such a bad guy at all either." Launch said soothingly.
He almost recoiled in shock. How she could even say that?! Raditz wondered incredulously.
Launch seemed to sense his disbelief. She said, "You were powerless to escape a very bad circumstance, and were forced to do things you would never have wanted to do. You know better than anyone that I've been there before too..."
She paused momentarily when she seemed to contemplate what she was saying, as if she was finally realizing it applied to her as well. She smiled widely, then continued.
"No one can judge you for how you coped with a situation that I couldn't possibly imagine. We all do bad things sometimes. I mean, Yamcha, Tien, Chiaotzu... and as you told me, my alter ego, had all done regrettable things at some point a long time ago. But they are good at heart. I know you are too! Because, if you feel bad about the things you have done, then you must have a conscience. If you didn't have one, you wouldn't feel bad. Right? You said so yourself that you are not to blame for something beyond your control. Well, if you weren't born on a peaceful planet like Earth, or born as strong as your old comrades were, then who's to say you did something wrong? And you somehow found ways to get around those obstacles by being clever, there's nothing wrong with being smart. AND you proved that you have a heart too. You helped those poor people when you could've just taken all the money. No heartless monster would've ever bothered to do that, right?" She said.
Raditz was stunned that Launch was giving his own advise to him, and he hadn't realized just how much it applied to him after they had just talked about her knowing what it's like to be powerless.
Launch pointed a finger to the center of his chest. "You are no coward, Raditz. I know that somewhere deep down in there... that you are a good man."
It was Raditz's turn to feel speechless by the audacity of her declaration of his innocence.
Things were far more complicated than just having a heart or a guilty conscience, and what he had done makes every sinful act of these humans could ever do seem like child's play by comparison. Could anyone like that have any redeemable qualities at all? He doubt he did. One good deed was not enough to counter his lifetime of murder and cowardice, and all those worlds he destroyed would still remain destroyed, so there was no making up for past mistakes even if he took his own life. No, he was a monster that didn't deserve Launch's or anyone's sympathy.
However... maybe Launch's words did have some meaning. He may have been a cold-blooded killer that buried his guilt in denial, but after spending half a year with the long lost family he never knew, growing fond of them and the Earthlings that accepted him like he was their own, he felt different now. They at least knew vaguely of what he had done, and his mother and brother could have easily killed him if they wanted to, but they didn't. They took him in, accepted him for what he was, and showed him compassion. And he passed that compassion along when he tossed that other duffle bag of money to those unfortunate souls rather than just mock them for it or even kill them. Wasn't that something if not proof that he had some humanity afterall?
"If you say so." Said Raditz, absentmindedly.
Launch smiled brightly. "I know so! You're a sweeter guy than you think you are, Raditz. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!"
The faintest smile crept into the edges of his lip, despite his doubts and the lingering headache. Although he was still conflicted about what he thought of himself, he felt that a sizeable weight had been lifted from his heart after pouring it out to Launch.
"Also..." Launch said as she leaned closer, cupping Raditz's surprised face and kissing him lightly. After parting their lips, she held herself just inches from Raditz's face. Her eyes were glistening. "Thank you for being so understanding." She said softly, "No one has ever made me feel so accepting of myself than you. Now I feel I can be at peace with my other side."
Raditz didn't know what to say. He had never helped someone on such a personal subject before, least of all concerning their own sanity. He could feel her gratitude towards him as if he had saved her somehow from her own guilt, and a part of him thanked her for being an ear to something he held onto his entire life, and shining light on things he never considered before.
"It's the least I can do." He said gently. Then added, "Thank you... for listening to my sob story too."
"Anytime." Launch said happily. Raditz thought right then that seeing her smiling again was the most wonderful sight there was.
While looking into her eyes Raditz felt an unspoken bond growing between them, how he and Launch had come to mutually understand each other and themselves in ways never thought possible. He couldn't explain it, but Raditz felt safe with Launch, as much as she did with him. That they could trust each other with anything, and that they were imperfectly perfect in each other's eyes...
"Oh, and uh..." Said Launch, breaking Raditz from his thoughts. "I remember everything last night. And I mean everything." She emphasized with an almost sultry tone while tracing a finger in lazy circles over his skin. "Thank you for such a wonderful time last night. I didn't know you could be so... wild." Launch said huskily.
Raditz's face flushed crimson red.
"Uhhhhh..." He glanced away trying to hide his embarrassment. "You're... welcome?"
Launch giggled in her way that Raditz suddenly found enchanting. "You're funny when you're sheepish. You know?" She joked.
She threw her arms around him and pulled Raditz into another tight hug, ignoring the fact that they were still naked.
"You're such a sweet guy, Raditz." She breathed sweetly into his ear, making Raditz's heart skip a beat.
Slowly he wrapped his arms around her slender waist and lost himself in the blissful feeling of being in her embrace. He normally didn't like to be touched, but now really welcomed her physicality. More than that actually...
Her affection and her comforting seemed to be having a soothing effect on him mentally and emotionally. Somehow this demur, fragile, blue-haired girl could be so caring and reassuring to him no matter what, and that made him feel at ease in a way he had never experienced before. Like it was just the two of them laying in bed together as if the world didn't exist outside the room, where he could say anything freely without fear of rejection, ridicule, or reprisal. Here, in her loving embrace, he felt free. Is this what real contentment feels like? He wondered.
Raditz looked down at Launch to see her looking at him with longing, and he was lost in the gaze of her large open eyes. Their faces were mere inches apart, he caught the natural sweet scent of her blue hair and silky skin. It was intoxicating. Raditz felt his heart racing, and Saiyan carnal instincts kicking in again. His lips drew closer to hers...
"AH! Oh my, look at the time!" Launch suddenly cried out, letting go of Raditz and springing out of his bed.
"Huh?!" A flabbergasted Raditz said, reeling from the lost moment. He glanced over to the clock to see it was almost noon.
Launch hurriedly gathered her clothes off of the floor and got dressed, she gave him an apologetic look. "I'm so sorry! I gotta go! I promised Chi-Chi that I'd help her with getting Little Gohan's birthday party ready!"
Raditz was confused. "What? Birthday party?"
"Yeah. That's today, remember?"
He didn't, but after some digging through his mind Raditz did recall something about a celebration for his nephew on a Saturday. And Chi-Chi did say something about getting ready for it yesterday.
"Oh yeah, you're right." Said Raditz, his shoulders sagging. "I forgot."
Truth be told, he didn't care for such an event. Sure he cared for his nephew, but celebrating your anniversary of birth sounded ridiculous to him. Saiyans more often than not remarked how old they became with disdain after a certain age. They all hoped to die still in their prime on the battlefield, making it to old age was unheard of and mostly shunned. Who would want to make it to eighty when a Saiyan's fighting abilities and strength started to deteriorate rapidly until they were wasted away to nothing? That was a fate no warrior wanted.
"I wanted to stay with you a little longer. But we can see each other again later this evening if you like!" Launch offered. She finished dressing and ran toward the door. "See you later, Raditz!"
Raditz suddenly felt terrified of her departure. After such an emotional experience he never had before, connecting with another living being, he didn't want her to leave so soon.
"Wait!" Raditz called out, almost sounding desperate.
Launch stopped in her tracks and looked back at him.
"I... you..." Raditz tried to think of something to get her to stay. But all he could come up with was, "...you don't have to go."
She smiled sadly. "I wish I didn't have to, but it's late in the day as it is. I don't want to keep them waiting for me." She said.
Raditz sank in defeat. There was no way for Launch to ignore her commitments elsewhere.
"I can still come by after the party." Launch offered again. "I really enjoyed being with you, Raditz. And I would love to hang out and get to know you more... while sober and not in my blonde-form anyway." She laughed flirtatiously, which drew Raditz to do a double-take.
Did that mean what he thought it meant? Was what happened going to be more than a one-time thing? If so, Raditz felt both excitement and terror at that prospect. He would definitely look forward to being intimate with her again, physically and emotionally, but he also felt worried about if it meant he would have to share other gory bits of his past he hadn't yet told her, and vise versa too if it would be as difficult for Launch too as it would for him.
But whatever the case, spending more time with her was far more appealing than anything else he could think of. So he will wait.
"I would like that very much. I really enjoyed being with you too, Launch." Said Raditz, smiling genuinely.
Launch looked at him warmly. In one quick motion, she rushed to his side bent down and planted a kiss on his cheek.
"It's a date then." She said with a wink, making Raditz feel his cheeks turn red again.
"Bye!" She said cheerfully with a spring in her step. Before Raditz knew it, Launch was out the door.
The emptiness of his bedroom fell suddenly, and it was deafening. Raditz sat there for a long time. Already he was missing Launch. Her face, her eyes, her voice, her scent, her body, her lips... and then thought of the rollercoaster of things that had just happened in so short of a time. How he had gone from humiliating himself with being so vulnerable, to gaining an epiphany about who he was a person and what Launch meant to him now. It was an awful lot to take in in a single morning... but at least his headache didn't hurt as much anymore.
He didn't know how he felt right now or what to think, but had to get out and clear his head. Sighing, Raditz threw the sheets off and decided to get dressed also...
His hangover returned in full force however, as soon as he stepped outside into the sun. How was it so bright all of a sudden?! He had to shield his eyes just to see.
Master Roshi's jet car sat parked in the grass as he, Yamcha, Krillin, Tien, Chiaotzu, and Oolong lounged around on a picnic cloth with a basket of refreshments. The group was chatting and laughing away while Chi-Chi busied herself with setting up a picnic table for Little Gohan's birthday party. Launch was there with her, putting down plates and utensils or tying up balloons as Little Gohan himself sat reading a textbook under a tree, the boy looked sullen for some reason.
Launch glanced in Raditz's direction and made eye contact. She smiled at him and gave him a knowing wink. Despite his hangover, he smiled back and waved at her.
"Hey, Raditz! How ya doin?" Yamcha called out from the circle in the grass. Raditz groaned that he had been noticed, also by how loud their voices were.
"Fine." He answered sharply. "Just going for a walk."
The ensemble of Earthlings looked at him skeptically.
"You sure, buddy? You look like crap!" Said Yamcha with concern in his tone.
"Yeah. Did something happen last night? Ya know, related to that?" Asked Krillin, he pointed toward the crater in the dirt where Raditz landed hard while drunk the night before.
"It's nothing! I said I'm fine!" Raditz shot back irritably. When can these humans ever learn to mind their own damn business?! He thought heatedly.
Yamcha held up his hands in mock surrender as if he heard Raditz's thoughts. "Okay, okay. Whatever you say, man."
He and the others went back to their chatter, but they still eyed Raditz from the corner of their eyes. Raditz didn't know why they were so interested in him this morning or what they were really talking about, but he didn't care. He just wanted to get away from them and nurse his hangover.
The tall Saiyan started walking off towards the woods when Master Roshi suddenly yelled, "Wait, Raditz. Come here real quick."
Raditz felt his blood starting to boil over. He really didn't feel like talking more to anyone right now, and felt like he might just throttle the old man if the pain in his head still persisted. But instead, he gave an exasperated sigh and mustered all of his patience to walk over to the circle, stopping by and standing over the cross-legged martial arts master.
"What do you want, old man?" He snapped.
Roshi wasn't fazed by his irritation, or at least Raditz couldn't tell from behind those large sunglasses. The elderly Turtle Hermit just calmly retrieved a handful of items and a cup from the basket. With practiced measuring, Roshi mixed each items into the cup and handed the concoction to Raditz.
"Drink this." Master Roshi offered.
Raditz took the drink and inspected it. It almost barely a quarter full with red and yellow liquid sitting in the bottom with black sprinkles.
"What's this?" He asked, looking at the drink with a mix of curiosity and revulsion.
"A prairie oyster." Roshi answered.
"A what?" A confused Raditz asked. What kind of name for a drink was that?
"It's tomato juice, black sauce, vinegar, hot sauce, salt, pepper, and a raw egg. Fixes hangovers unlike anything else. Trust me, I know." The old man said with a wink under his sunglasses. "Go ahead. Drink it!"
Raditz sensed Master Roshi must have known of his condition, but how this putrid cocktail could cure a hangover, he had no idea and wasn't too eager to try. Then again, the bald Turtle Hermit had surprised Raditz before with many secrets of knowledge and combat. Perhaps he was right, and taking anything for a cure was better than having to endure this pain any longer. So Raditz caved in.
In one quick gulp so as to hopefully not taste it, he swallowed the whole drink. As he felt it go down his throat, his eyes bulged in their sockets and immediately Raditz immediately regretted drinking that mix. He was fighting the urge to vomit.
"Whoa, don't throw up on us, bud! Let it do it's thing and it'll pass!" Yamcha assured him with a chuckle.
Raditz was barely keeping it down, and he wanted to take a swing at the bandit for laughing at his misfortune. But slowly the queasiness subsided and, miraculously, the headache was gone too. Raditz stood there feeling like his normal self again.
"Huh... I'll be damned." He muttered to himself in amazement. The taste still lingered in the back of his throat, and he spat to get it out. But the drink worked.
He handed the empty cup back to Roshi. "Thanks." He said gratefully.
"No problem." Master Roshi chuckled.
"So, Raditz, guess you and Launch had a crazy night, eh?" Krillin asked out of nowhere.
"Uh, yeah." Raditz answered cautiously. "We just had a couple drinks was all."
"Oh. Was that all?" Krillin asked slyly.
Raditz eyed him suspiciously. "What do you mean?" He asked back. Did they find out about his and Launch's robbery escapade and incitement of a riot?
Krillin waved his hands at him. "Oh, nothing. Nothing. Just that, you two were a little loud and rowdy last night, from what we could... hear." He said raunchily, eliciting some snickering from the other men present.
Raditz was relieved at first, then paled. Did everyone hear them last night? Were they that loud, even indoors?
As if sensing his question, Roshi said, "Next time you might wanna keep it down or you'll wake up the whole mountain! Heheh! Ohhhh, if only I was your age again and could go on all night like that!"
The assembled men all broke out into fits of laughter, rolling on the ground. Yamcha let out a whooping cheer, "You lucky dog, Raditz!"
"Who woulda thought she could be so freaky, eh, Tien? You'd know, eh?" Oolong egged Tien, who was just red-faced from the suggestiveness. From off in the corner by the picnic table, Launch watched the commotion, unable to hear what they were talking about.
Raditz rolled his eyes and stormed off into the woods as the guys bawled away behind him. Though he had to admit that for all the unsavory attention and jabbing about his adult time with Launch, a part of his ego felt a little inflated that he caused such a ruckus the night before as if it were a demonstration of his masculinity. What man wouldn't feel great about that?
It was midday and he had plenty of time to do whatever he wanted before the party later this afternoon. There wasn't anywhere he was going in particular, he just wanted to move around. So he wandered deeper into the forests of Mount Paozu.
After treading through the wild for a time, Raditz found his mind drifting away from the frivolous things of back home and lost himself in the tranquility of the woods. He never had much liking to forests, aside from it being an abundant source of food on some planets. Too many places for an ambush in them. He preferred hot deserts and cities as he had always been exposed to during his life. He liked the heat he associated with being under the hot red sun of planet Vegeta, and the closeness of bodies in cities either at home or in combat. He didn't know why, but this forest felt like an exception. It was non-threatening and it allowed him to hear his own thoughts more clearly. He thought about his doubts, about the future, and about Launch...
It was strange to have something else besides the fear of death at the hands of Frieza dominate his every thought. It was infinitely preferable to have her on his mind than that bastard tyrant. Launch gave Raditz something to look forward to, which is what he never had before. To be with her, share his time with her, express himself freely to her, to ravish his primal desires with her body, and do whatever they wanted together. He couldn't think of anything else that sounded so much better besides training. And it almost hurt, because if they failed to defeat Vegeta and Nappa, she would surely die with everyone else. That was almost enough to make Raditz want to cry out in despair, that he had just given himself another way for his heart to suffer. And it also made him that much more determined for his mother and Kakarot to succeed. He hoped like hell they will, and hoped his mother would get back soon so he could ramp up his training further.
Shoving that thought aside Raditz tried to think of happier prospects, like what would happen if things turned out well and they succeed in defeating Vegeta somehow. What would a future for him and Launch mean? He had never had a real mate before, and he was unsure of how such couplings worked. Would this mean that they would be sharing their residences from now on? What that mean Launch would want to bear his offspring? What would mother think of all this? A thousand questions raced through Raditz's mind, and all of them won't be answered soon enough. But one stuck out more than the others...
Was he really a good person as Launch said he was? Thinking of how he had lived his life until he arrived on Earth, he wasn't so certain. Sure, he no longer wanted to purge planets or kill helpless beings for kicks anymore, and Raditz thanked the highest heavens that he was finally free to live as his heart desired. But he couldn't help but wonder how things would have turned out if he didn't come here in the first place? Aside from not endangering everyone he cared about here on Earth, he might well have continued to faithfully serve Frieza and kept his true feelings buried while he did his murderous biding without remorse until his dying day, and he would never have been able to make the choice to stop killing or torturing. If he couldn't do that on his own from the goodness of his heart, without having to come here and be shown it was possible from Launch, would that be proof that he was not truly good at all? Were his actions dictated from deep within what really spoke about his true character? If so, since he ignored that little voice within, wasn't that more proof positive that he was evil? Someone that did not deserve the affection of a pure soul like Launch?
"Dammit." Raditz muttered as he walked, almost bumping into a tree while distracted by his musings. He hated this turmoil roiling within him. He wasn't used to such introspection, as he spent the majority of his life trying to survive. But now that he has had the first serious conversation with someone who tried to understand him, it had thrown him into a loop with no idea how to sort it out. By the gods, what was happening to him?! If he kept brooding too deeply he might go crazy...
Stepping into a clearing, Raditz looked up and realized he had stumbled upon a familiar spot. It was the overgrown crater where his mother had taken him, to where her pod had crash landed on this planet so many years ago. Now the crater was empty, the hole where the pod had been was now filled with dirt as if nothing had been there before.
Raditz decide to take a rest, and plopped down on the edge of the crater, looking at his legs dangling down the slope. Then in the corner of his vision, Raditz spotted the senior Son Gohan sitting cross-legged in the grass. His wrinkled old eyes were closed, deep in meditation. Raditz didn't sense his presence at all. Weak as he was for a human, the old man's energy was as calm as the surrounding foliage. Then his eyes opened and noticed Raditz.
"Oh. Um, sorry." Raditz said politely. He must have walked in on the old man's quiet place.
He was about to get up to leave Gohan Sr. be when he said, "No worries, son. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, thank you, I was just... walking through the woods, that's all." Raditz answered awkwardly. He supposed it seemed odd for a Saiyan like himself to just do something unassuming such as just sitting alone peacefully rather than just sparring by himself.
Son Gohan Sr., or as everyone else in the gang had come to call him, Grandpa Gohan, seemed to smile knowingly behind his bushy mustache. "Ah, yes. I always love a good stroll through here myself, always helps me clear my mind if I ever felt troubled."
"Huh, nice... I guess." Said Raditz uncertainly. He wished it worked for him too, because his mind was in jumbles now.
Awkward silence fell. He didn't feel at ease around the old man as his mother did, though Raditz was slow in getting acquainted with all of the earthlings his mother and brother had befriended. Though he knew how Grandpa Gohan took his mother and brother in when they arrived on Earth, how he had become Kakarot's adopted grandfather-figure that taught him everything he knew, and by extension a sort of mentor/father-figure to their mother as well. Raditz was grateful for his kindness even though it was wasted on a Saiyan like his mother, for even if she was a weakling she could've taken care of herself. But he didn't see the immediate need to get to know the old hermit despite his pivotal role in his family's life.
After a minute of nothing but the sound of the wildlife, Raditz coughed and tried to excuse himself. "Well, um, I'll leave you be."
"Nonsense!" Grandpa Gohan assured. "You don't have to leave if you don't want to. I don't mind the company."
"No, really, I, uh... I gotta go." Raditz lied, not feeling up to being around someone else let alone start a conversation. He got up to leave again.
Grandpa Gohan's expression turned to that of curiosity and concern. "Something on your mind, Raditz?" He asked.
Raditz stopped in his tracks and hesitated. He didn't want to talk to anyone, but at the same time after the heavy things he had been wrestling with since this morning, he felt like he couldn't just bottle them up like he always used to. He felt stuck...
When he didn't answer Grandpa Gohan, the elder martial artist seemed to sense it meant a 'yes'. He eyed Raditz almost expectantly but said, "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I understand."
Raditz grimaced. Was his internal turmoil that loud so others could hear?!
He would've appreciated the "out" the old man had offered for him to leave this uncomfortable situation, but knew it was a trick that getting him to turn down an open invitation to talk would invariably draw out whatever was on his mind to any stranger no matter how much he didn't want to talk. But in the end, he sighed heavily and relented.
"Nothing too serious, old man. Just... thinking over things I've done in my life and how I got here." Raditz answered vaguely. To him it was the long and short of what he was feeling.
Grandpa Gohan studied him with an indecipherable expression, then replied. "Feeling like your past makes you irredeemable?"
Raditz looked to the elder Gohan in shock. How did he know already?! Could he read his mind?
"Ah." Grandpa Gohan nodded as if he expected Raditz to react the way he did. Then said, "Your mother felt the same way too. She used to tell me of the unbearable guilt she carried, and often asked me if I thought she deserved to live happily even after all the things she did under your overlord's command."
"Tsh." Raditz scoffed. "It's not like she has to worry about going to Hell. At least she never took pleasure in killing."
Grandpa Gohan's brows lowered. "She did mention that Saiyans did have that... tendency. Did you as well?"
After a few seconds pause, Raditz answered reluctantly. "Yeah."
The old man then asked, "And do you take pleasure in killing now?"
"Of course not!" Raditz said indignantly. "I..." He paused.
As he thought the senior Gohan's question over, Raditz sourly remembered that human farmer he killed when he first landed on this planet. He had almost completely forgotten about it, as it felt more like half a lifetime ago than six months. And he remembered the smug satisfaction he took from flicking that projectile back at him. He didn't have to do that, and now felt sick of himself for taking such glee.
After some more thought he admitted, "I dunno. Not as much as I used to, I guess. But I don't feel bad about having to kill or be killed if that's what you were asking."
"Seldom does anyone else in such circumstances." Grandpa Gohan replied. "But it's certainly a world of difference between a man doing what he had to do and a cold-blooded murderer."
"I don't think it's that simple." Raditz tried to explain. "It's... it's not like I can just feel bad about killing and say I have a clear conscience."
Grandpa Gohan nodded. "So you feel like you're not feeling guilty enough?"
Raditz shrugged. "Something like that."
"Hm." Grandpa Gohan hummed in contemplation. "I suppose that there is no one right way to feel about such things. And the fact that you feel any regret at all ought to count for something, am I right?"
Raditz opened his mouth to say something, but closed it. He supposed Gohan Sr. had a point. There was no universal measure of how guilty you had to feel to indicate you had a moral compass afterall. So who was to say that he wasn't a good person if he wasn't crying his eyes out?
"I guess so." He conceded. Raditz tried to find the words to say what he was feeling. "It's just... I never knew if I was ever a good person or not even if I did feel bad about all the things I did. I mean, would whatever good I do take back all the millions of lives I killed before?"
Grandpa Gohan looked to him with sympathy. He sighed before saying, "Well, I won't pretend to understand how you are feeling. Even after how your mother described to me every heinous act she was forced to do, I still cannot fathom how heavy such a guilt must weigh on one's heart. But I will say that we cannot undo the past. But what you do with the future is for you to decide. And if you wish to protect those you care about, that's a step in the right direction. The fact that you're now devoting yourself to trying to protect this planet and people you barely know is something to attest to. If you ask me, that's the mark of a man who's worth saving."
"Hn." Raditz hummed to himself and looked away. There was nothing else he could say more to that. But he thought it still sounded too easy. Like, would being good just mean not having to kill people anymore? Or would it mean he would have to save the same amount of people that he killed over the years? Raditz wasn't sure and figured that if he asked Gohan Sr., he would just say that they couldn't put any quantitive measure to how bad one had to feel about their past transgressions or what good he must do to redeem himself. So Raditz dropped the subject in his mind.
He then asked, "I guess what's really bugging me is that if I hadn't come here... I'd still be out there destroying more worlds. I never would have had the chance to... change my ways so to speak. That kinda makes the idea of me having any kind of morality seem moot."
To this, Grandpa Gohan just shrugged. "Life is a game of chance, my boy. I'd like to think that I myself would've turned out as a good man in whatever circumstance I was born into, but who knows? I could've ended up as greedy, bitter, and rotten as someone like the Crane Hermit if I was stuck with him when my village burned down long ago. And yet, here I am a proud student of Roshi instead."
He turned to Raditz. "There's no use fretting about how things could have been. A man can drive himself insane thinking that way, and not even the dragon balls could change history to our liking, so we make the best of what we are dealt with. You are here now, however unlikely it may have been, and you have the opportunity to make a difference with your presence if you wish. I'd take it if I were you."
Raditz remained silent. It wasn't as satisfactory an answer to his dilemma as he would have liked. Ambiguity didn't sit well with him, but at least it gave him some amount of hope for his soul. Perhaps if someone like him who would've spent the rest of his life committing evil had the chance to change their ways and did things for good, wouldn't that be indicative of a good nature within them? That they weren't rotten all the way through? It was an enticing thought, though Raditz quickly squashed it with doubt however when he tried to impose that same imaginative standard to the likes of Vegeta, Nappa, or even Frieza. Could they have had the potential to be good people? Raditz couldn't imagine the sight of any of them being reformed into something more peaceful. The idea of any of them turning good was like trying to make water flow upriver. It was just impossible. So it must be impossible for him too... right?
"What spurred this?" Grandpa Gohan asked.
Raditz shrugged again as if he didn't know why, but after a moment he felt himself opening up. "I... I guess it was with how you all took me in. How mother and everyone here... and Launch..."
He couldn't finish his sentence, he was having trouble finding the right words to describe how openly welcomed he was into this paradise without judgement. It seemed so improbable that he should ever have discovered a place that felt like he could be saved not physically from Frieza's wrath but his soul could be saved too. How could he ever find such a words to convey all that?
Raditz shook his head. "I dunno... I guess I just don't deserve anyone's kindness, considering all the things I've done." Especially Launch's. He mentally added. "And how I've put you all in danger because of me..."
Then his expression softened into something like regret. He gestured with both arms to take in the peaceful tranquility of Earth.
"I'd be lying if I said it doesn't sting to know that I got the short end of the stick being stuck with Frieza while mother and Kakarot were here enjoying all of THIS. But I also wouldn't have known what I missed, and everyone here would not have to worry about defending it from Vegeta and Nappa."
"Ah. I see." Said Grandpa Gohan. "You feel like coming here was a mistake." He said it as if it were a statement instead of a question.
Raditz nodded in agreement. "Ignorance is bliss, eh?" He added sardonically.
They sat in more silence. Raditz took a breath to relieve the tension he felt in his chest. A lot more weight had been lifted off of him, but that last admission was like the only shackle he couldn't break. For all of the old man's talk of redemption and accepting one's circumstance, it was still hard to shake off the fact that he was still responsible for sealing everyone's doom if they failed against his old comrades.
Grandpa Gohan looked over at the crater in thought. He then said, "Your mother was a desperate woman when I found her. She had just fled the destruction of her home planet with only your brother and no time to spare. She was frightened, alone, cold, hungry, and with nowhere else to go..."
Raditz wasn't sure where the old man was going with this tangent, but he listened intently. He hadn't heard much about how his mother coped with their planet's destruction from anyone else before until now.
Grandpa Gohan continued. "When I took her in, I used to hear her crying your name out almost every night. I can't tell you how many times she told me how she wished she could have done things differently. How she wished she could have tried a little harder to find you. But we both knew that it would have been impossible. The destruction of your home planet had her make a choice no mother should ever be forced to make to save one of her children. It's a no-win situation for anyone, and I'm willing to bet that if you and Kakarot's places were switched, she would've done the same thing to not look for Kakarot if it meant saving you."
He looked to Raditz with a look so somber that it chilled the Saiyan. "She did the best she could with the hand dealt to her. But there was never a day that didn't go by where your mother wouldn't give anything to see you again. So even if you say that your coming to Earth was not for the best, believe me when I say that your mother would give her life for you. Only a fool would think that she would have been better off thinking you were dead."
Raditz was left speechless, and not untouched.
Did... did he really mean that much to her? There was no hint of a lie in the old man's eyes, but Raditz still couldn't believe it.
But of course he should! He remembered the way his mother looked at him that day he arrived, how overcome with happiness she was to see him again. Only he didn't fully understand then what it meant. Now he finally grasped the extent of his mother's love for him. Raditz felt a twinge of regret for ever daring to speculate that his absence would have been for the best.
"Don't blame yourself for things beyond your control, my boy." Grandpa Gohan continued, breaking Raditz from his thoughts. "Be it having to conquer other worlds under duress, or having your old master sending his minions after you, they cannot be helped except with facing them head on. All that matters is the here and now."
Gohan placed a hand on his shoulder. "You are here now. You have brought your mother peace of mind now that she knows that you are alive, and you are here to help protect what matters. Focus on those things instead, and in time... if we defeat the Saiyans... you can forgive yourself for all the things you've done, as your mother had forgiven herself too."
Raditz sat in silence for a long time as he took in Gohan Sr.'s words. He realized the old man had basically told him the same things as he himself did to Launch earlier also. How could he have been so blind to not come to the same conclusion?! To understand how precarious and heart-retching a situation his mother had been placed in? If he had fled to some unknown planet from the tyrant that wanted them dead and had no reason to go risk his life to find out if he wasn't the only Saiyan left, even if said Saiyans were his own kin, wouldn't he have done the same as his mother did? Trying to survive and preserve what she had left as he did? How he had no choice but to commit an evil or two (and many more), was he entirely to blame for doing what anyone did if they wanted to live?
And that seemed to strike another revelation within him: could he really forgive himself for he had done? It seemed almost unreal.
"Well... I'll leave you to yourself if you want." Said Grandpa Gohan as he got up. Raditz didn't react.
The old man did some stretches and turned to go, but looked back to Raditz one more time.
"Be sure to be back in time for the party!" He said with a wave of farewell. Then he walked off into the woods, leaving Raditz all alone in the field.
It was a lot for the Saiyan to digest. So many things he never knew about his mother, and about himself... The old man was right about it all. He could make peace with his past if he wanted to, and had an opportunity for a second chance at life here on this planet if he trusted in his family and friends...
Raditz pinched the bridge between his closed eyes. Being around these Earthlings was having an effect on him, and it wasn't just the training. He gained a newfound appreciation of his mother, insight about himself, and a much more appealing outlook on life. But it was such an ache to his mind and his heart as it all became known to him. His inner Saiyan still hated all these emotions, it must have been making him soft, or maybe it was just his doubts talking.
The sun had moved a little further west into afternoon. Feeling like he had been sitting in his thoughts for too long, Raditz got up to do some solo exercises. He could sort out his emotions better if he moved around a little and get some amount of training done.
Just as he was about to throw some rapid punches to warm up, he heard a noise. Very faint footfalls as if someone else was approaching.
Raditz groaned. What did the old man want now? He was done with more painful introspective talk today, and just wanted to have a little privacy.
He glared in the direction of the intruder, but then his expression turned into confusion. It wasn't Grandpa Gohan standing there, it was Little Gohan instead.
"Hi, Uncle Raditz..."
A/N: Made it to 1000+ followers for this story as of the publishing of this chapter! Thank you all for making this far past the brick that is my writing. I hope I have brought you a worthy story so far for all of you to enjoy, for it was quite fun to write. I'm looking forward to continuing this story more and sharing it with others that enjoy Dragon Ball and the mama-bear Saiyan we all know deserved her own story! This is a long term project for me that I intend to finish in due time, and I hope you will all still be here to see it to the end.
Until then, see you next chapter!