Happy Station19 Day Friends…dropping in with a new "fix-it" fic. Not sure how long it will be, but hoping to give us all some hope for Surrera's S5 reconciliation...we're all exhausted. Hope you enjoy the first update. Leave me a note and vote… it encourages me to update! XO, Reddixon
In a dark suit from the formal press event earlier that evening, Robert stood in front of the cement ledge taking in the dark night sky and the city views. Removing his tie, he sighed long and deep. The last 60 days had been a whirlwind in both good and bad ways. Ari had proven she was just as good as she said she was. He'd done several PR events, recruiting events and was apparently a hit. He'd visited schools and talked to kids, met with community leaders, held babies and flirted a little with the ladies. And while the attention felt good, he wouldn't lie, he didn't really care about any of that. What mattered is that at the end of the 90 day deal he'd struck, he'd be reinstated as Battalion Chief, a post that was never filled after Gregory's unfortunate passing and SFD was fully backing the Crisis One program. After months of rocky terrain the road ahead was looking clear and he finally felt like he was on the other side of the worst.
After he and Andy had their unexpected knock down drag out fight in front of their teams at the crisis one training event and her secret coming out, he'd signed the divorce papers that night. He could forgive her for casual sex, even if it was with Beckett. It disgusted him, but he'd had enough meaningless sex after Claire that he knew sometimes a body was just a body. Sometimes a person was just filling empty space. What he couldn't get passed was Andy intentionally trying to hurt him. Yes, he'd made mistakes but he'd apologized and owned up to them. She was a beautiful woman and Seattle was filled with men... but she'd chosen his asshole of a boss to sleep with. Despite her pleas and apologies the next time they spoke, that was something he didn't know he could ever get passed.
So he'd resolved to move on and strangely enough between work, the PR stuff, spending time with more people outside of the department and 19, volunteering, etc. he was starting to enjoy life again. He was feeling more like himself than he had in a long time. Ari had made it very clear that she was interested in more than just a professional relationship but they hadn't gone past flirting.
When she pushed open the roof access door, Andy couldn't help but immediately admire the view. Robert was staring out into the city dressed in a dark suit. And while she could only see him from the back now, she knew he looked absolutely devastating from the front.
She had come to the station looking for him and learned he'd been out at a PR event but would be back later. Luckily, Beckett had remained tucked away in his office while she waited in the beanery and talked with Dean about Pru. Things with the team were still a bit tense. In different ways they had all expressed disappointment in her after learning about what she did. It hurt to know she'd let so many people down, herself included. All she could do now was work to make amends.
"The press loves you..." Andy said, approaching her husband and pulling him from his thoughts. "Not surprising. You're charming and always did look good in a suit," she added as she took a stand next to him.
Robert looked to the side briefly taking in Andy's petite form and civilian clothes. He didn't linger, but quickly returned his gaze to the city view, his hands remaining tucked in his pants pocket. "What are you doing here? You don't work here," he said flatly. Outside of big calls he hadn't seen her in nearly 2 months. The last real conversation they had he made it pretty clear he wanted her to keep her distance and for the most part she'd respected that.
Andy sighed a little to herself frustrated by where they were now. Mostly cold and barely able to have a conversation. It was such a far cry from the connectedness they used to have. "Apparently neither do you," she replied a little sarcastically. Ari in the public affairs office of SFD had been working Robert overtime for press and special events, even getting the occasional scheduling exception for him to attend events during shifts like tonight.
"Did you actually want something?" Robert said, slightly annoyed and definitely confused. He was tired. It had been a long day and he still had more than 10 hours left in his 24 hour shift. But beyond all that, there also wasn't any reason he could think of for Andy to be here looking for him.
"She's pretty. How long has that been going on?" Andy inquired knowing this was sure to get a reaction but her curiosity wouldn't let her not ask the question. She'd first seen Ari, the publicist, at the push out and noticed right away she seemed more than a little interested in Robert. They'd done several press events together over the past several weeks that were on various media outlets online and even over a cell phone screen Andy had seen their smiles and body language. She couldn't lie, though she had no right to be angry, jealousy coursed through her like a freight train.
"You don't get to comment on people I'm seeing," Robert was intentionally vague in his reply. Yes Ari was interested, but he'd said he wanted to focus on work and there wasn't anyone else in the picture though he'd had plenty of offers at this point. His confidence had taken some big hits over the past 18 months and it felt good to be reminded that he was desirable.
"So there's more than one?" Andy nodded her head and questioned a bit rhetorically. As soon as the words slipped off her tongue she regretted them. She hadn't come here to start a fight… well not exactly.
"Are you kidding me?" Robert exclaimed loudly as he turned away from the ledge and looked over at his soon to be ex wife. He didn't want to argue, didn't want to overreact, but he couldn't help it. "304 days I waited for you to talk to me and when you finally did, you ended our marriage in three minutes, never letting me get a word in."
"I know…" Andy tried to interject, but Robert kept going.
"Then had me served divorce papers in front of my entire team..." He looked away briefly, remembering the shock he felt when the courier said "Robert Sullivan, you've been served" as he stood in the middle of the beanery. "Oh and to add insult to injury you screwed my boss. And that part... that was done just to cause me pain. So you don't get to judge."
"I wasn't judging..." Andy backed up a little bit, putting some distance between them. "Really, I…"
Again Robert interrupted her. "And for the record, some people actually keep their vows. We've still got about 30 days before the divorce is final so I'm not actually sleeping with anyone." He added with bite. He knew he didn't have to say it, it made him sound a bit like a self-righteous asshole, but he knew it would sting.
"Right...just you proving yet again that you're a better person than me." Andy replied dejectedly.
Running a hand down the side of his cheek, Robert took a long sigh. He didn't want to do this. "Look, it's been a long day and I still have to finish out a shift, did you actually need something?" Robert questioned with a slight shrug of the shoulders.
"I don't know what I'm doing here, exactly..." Andy began as she motioned her hands. "I just keep wanting to apologize. Find new ways to say, ``I messed up and I'm sorry."
"I'm not looking for you to say anything, Andy and you've already apologized. I don't need anything from you," Robert said plainly. There was no malice, it was just the truth. They'd fought after he found out about Beckett. She'd cried and apologized, knowing at that point she was wrong and did want to fight for them, but he'd made up his mind that he was done. There was no coming back from where they were.
"I know... I just." Andy shook her head and looked out into the dark sky. "I know I hurt you. I was awful and I wish I could take back so many things I did over the past year." Andy's voice trailed off and they were both transported back to the day that changed everything.
FLASHBACK...
"Woo…that temper. No wonder she chose divorce," Beckett sneered at Robert across the small table filled with lukewarm coffee and this morning's pastries.
"I don't need commentary on my wife from you," Robert replied quickly before throwing the paper coffee cup he held into the nearby trash. He made a move to walk away, but turned back upon hearing Beckett's reply.
"Ex-wife," Beckett corrected with a smile, emphasizing the 'ex'. He saw the flash of anger run across Robert's face and while he knew the smart play was to let it rest, his ego won out. "Or at least that's what she called herself in bed a few weeks ago." He shouldn't have said it, but after seeing all the "press" about #FireZaddy and SFD sending Sullivan on a press tour, he thought it was time, he be brought back down to reality.
From across the room Andy noticed the two men in what was clearly a tense exchange and the color drained from her face. Robert's fist was clenched down at his side and if looks could kill Beckett would've been dead. Without finishing her conversation with Theo, Vic and Travis, she headed in the direction of the two men.
"Excuse me," Robert said rhetorically, his jaw steeled and angled upward. The question had been automatic but a fiery sensation of rage had already rushed through his veins. The look on Beckett's face told him everything he needed to know. Andy really had slept with him. Before he could stop it, Robert's arm was pulled back into a right jab and his fist connected with Beckett's jaw.
"Robert," he heard Andy yell but it didn't stop him and he landed another punch, then another. Beckett stumbled back initially but after finding his footing swung in Robert's direction. Robert sparred multiple times per week so he easily slipped out of Beckett's onslaught. Just as he was about to land another combination of blows against the man's now clearly bruised face, he felt strong arms wrap around him and pull him back.
"He's not worth it," Dean yelled loudly. "He's not worth it." Dean was built and the only man in the station physically strong enough to hold Robert back. He kept his grip around Robert's arms tightly until he felt him begin to relax.
"Ohmigod!" Vic screamed, slapping a hand over her mouth as the group of three looked on in shock. "We all hate him, but what the hell was that about?" She questioned with a confused look from her spot between Travis and Theo. Theo looked on in silence knowing he was pretty sure what just happened, but he said nothing.
Having heard Vic's question from a short distance away, Jack approached and casually said, "I don't think it takes a brain surgeon to figure that one out," He was certain things in the station were about to get worse.
Ben followed Beckett out of the barn and into his office, "You should let me take a look at that." He motioned to the shiner underneath his eye and the cut above his left brow that was bleeding just slightly. Beckett barely acknowledged him, but allowed the former surgeon to come in for a closer look.
Meanwhile back in the barn...
"You good," Dean questioned letting Robert go. He said nothing, only nodded his head. Dean clapped him on his back and motioned to his hand, "...get some ice on that hand."
Robert somehow managed a barely audible 'thanks' as he flexed and released his hand. Dean was right, it was already starting to throb and would definitely get worse. He couldn't lie though, decking Beckett after months of him parading around the station like God's gift, felt better than he'd imagined. He'd only wished the rage he felt in his gut and the ache in his chest wasn't the fault of the woman he loved. In his peripheral view, Robert saw Andy approaching, but before she could say a word he said, "Stay away from me."
"Robert, pl…" Andy tried to get the words out but couldn't.
"I said stay away from me," He interjected with a raised venomous voice. Andy jumped at his tone and she couldn't help the emotion that welled up in her eyes as she watched him turn his back towards her and head out of the barn.
The sting of shame skated through her and she didn't need to turn around to be certain that all eyes were on her. Doing the only thing she could, Andy walked into the turnout closet avoiding eye contact with anyone. She headed straight for the back corner before allowing the emotions she felt to overtake her. The angry yet hurt look on Robert's face, the tone of his voice...guilt cascaded over her in waves.
"Hey," Maya said gently as she watched her friend face the turnouts and struggle to get her wits about her. She'd followed her into the turnout closet to make sure she was okay.
"I can't, Maya, I just..." Andy whispered her sentiments through a scratchy, barely recognizable voice. She clutched the metal frame in front of her, leaned forward and tried to get her composure. Maya nodded and backed away, but took her place in front of the turnout closet door determined to stand guard.
"May I," Diane said, as she approached, in a tone that communicated clearly to Maya that while she's asking, she was definitely not taking 'no' for an answer.
When the door to the turnout closet shut, Andy didn't turn around to see who'd entered assuming it was her best friend again. "Maya, I said..." Andy said.
"Not Maya," Diane interrupted.
Andy clenched the bars in front of her, took a deep breath and made a shoddy attempt to wipe the tears from her eyes before turning around. "Look, Diane... I'm sure you mean well, but..." She couldn't finish the statement before Diane interjected.
"Why don't we skip the part where you lie and tell me you're fine or you don't want to talk about it. It's pretty obvious you need to talk to someone so..." Diane shrugged her shoulders slightly and waited for Andy to say something. A few moments of silence passed before Diane did the thing she didn't typically do as a counselor. "New plan. You and Robert...separated? Divorced?"
Andy rubbed a frustrated hand over her face and looked up towards the ceiling before making eye contact with Diane. "Somewhere in between I guess..." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Okay..." Diane said with a nod of her head. "And you and Beckett?" Andy's head shot up and her eyes widened in disbelief at such a direct question. "I'm a straight shooter, Andy. You know that. And, besides, it doesn't take a genius to figure out whatever that was, was some sort of lovers quarrel." She motioned towards the barn for emphasis.
"My dad was right... he'd be rolling over in his grave right now if he hadn't...well..." She stopped herself before continuing.
"Right about what?" Diane asked gently.
Andy moved to pace in the small space she had. "He told me once that I crap where I eat. And I was furious with him for it. But here I am all this time later proving that maybe he knew me better than I knew myself."
"Well, while I can't say I agree with the analogy or think that line of dialogue is helpful, what I can acknowledge is... sometimes parents say things they think will help, but cause unintentional damage," Diane said in a calm tone.
Shaking her head, "He's never gonna forgive me for this," Andy said more to herself than Diane.
The two women stood at an impasse for a while, but Diane's patience as a therapist won out and it wasn't long before Andy was spilling her guts. She unpacked the last year in short order and her most recent questionable choices that had most certainly led to her husband punching his Captain... something his already fragile career could be severely impacted by.
"Can I ask you something?" Diane inquired. "You've been separated for nearly a year, you served him with divorce papers…so why do you feel bad? It seems you want your relationship to be over." The intuitive therapist had a feeling that despite the infidelity, separation and divorce papers on the table, Andy wasn't quite ready to leave her marriage.
Andy thought for a moment before finally answering. "Because...it was mean and vindictive. That's not who I am. I knew when he found out he would be hurt and I wanted to hurt him." She wasn't proud of it, but she knew it was true.
"Why?" Diane pushed again.
"Because…" Andy struggled to find her words this time, but Diane waited patiently. She growled a little in frustration and clenched her hands in front of her. "Because I'm so furious with him. It's all consuming rage all the time."
Diane nodded her head gently. "You know, anger is generally a secondary emotion. We often get to anger after we feel neglected, hurt or betrayed..."
Before Diane could finish her thought, Andy interjected. "Of course I feel betrayed. He went behind my back and stole my best friend's job."
"I don't have all the details and I don't need them, but even if what you're saying is true. Robert's actions affected Maya. So how exactly did he betray you?" Diane offered gently.
When Andy couldn't find the words she remained quiet for sometime. "I don't know exactly, but it feels like betrayal. It feels like the person who I'm supposed to count on NOT having my back. It feels like him forcing me to choose between him and the other important people in my life."
"And how did he react when you told him that?" Diane wasn't pulling any punches when it came to asking difficult questions.
Andy rolled her eyes a bit and looked away. "I didn't."
Confusion marred Diane's face and she tilted her head a bit. "You didn't discuss this with him?"
Taking a deep breath and realizing just how bad this sounded, Andy finally said. "No… I just kind of left."
"For 10 months?" Diane was hearing the words, but having a difficult time tracking. It wasn't making sense.
Andy caught Diane's confused gaze, rubbed a frustrated hand over her eyes and said, "Ugh. Don't look at me like that."
Chuckling lightly and cracking a reassuring smile, Diane replied. "As a therapist my job is to hold space and ask questions…judgment isn't on the menu. So, I'm definitely not judging. What I will say is… your situation is complicated. You're angry and you don't really know why, you want your husband's forgiveness but you served him with divorce papers and you're behaving in ways that aren't authentic to who you really are. So... clearly, you've got some stuff going on."
"That sounds like the understatement of the year," Andy mumbled dryly.
"So... this is definitely where I make a plug for talking to someone." Diane nodded her head and both of the women shared a necessary chuckle. "From what I can tell, you don't know whether you're coming or going Andy and that's not judgement it's just an observation. And often when we're in the thick of it, when our emotions are high, our intelligence is low. We can't see things clearly and we need help." She added, a bit more impassioned that she typically might.
"You wanna take on me as a patient? I'm a mess." Andy laughed uncomfortably as she thought of how out of sorts she'd felt for months. While it was hard to admit, she knew Diane was right.
"I will email you a few names of therapists and highly...highly recommend you go," Diane offered with a gentle smile.
"Thank you," Andy said meaningfully. "Now, any tips on getting out of here?" Andy knew that no matter how calm or collected she was as she walked out, the damage was done. The rumor mill would be working overdrive. The two women laughed a little before eventually heading to the door.
"Just one last thing…" Andy saw the look on Diane's face and suspected that she may not like whatever was coming next. "The last time I was here you and Robert were very much in love. And something tells me that underneath all that anger you feel, the love is still there. Why else would you wait 10 months to file or be concerned about getting his forgiveness? So yes... talk to someone for you. But also, talk to him. You took vows. You owe it to each other to have a real conversation before you end a marriage."
"He's not gonna talk to me right now, maybe ever." Andy said with disappointment in her voice. The way he'd looked at her, the pain and anger she knew he felt.
"He's hurt and Sullivan's a proud man…his ego is no doubt bruised. But if your interaction today during that role play was any indication, he also still loves you. So it might take time, but eventually he'll hear you out." Diane nodded and offered her a reassuring look.
BACK TO PRESENT
Standing on the roof, looking at her husband with tears in her eyes, Andy said. "You are the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up…" Unable to hold his gaze, she turned her head just slightly and looked away. "There's this moment in the mornings, this split second when I'm still somewhere between sleep and awake and it feels normal. Like I'm gonna open my eyes and you'll be laying in bed next to me. And it's the only time I can breathe. It's the only time, it doesn't feel like there is a 50 pound weight sitting on my chest. I know I messed up. I am in a prison of my own making. And while I want your forgiveness, so badly… There is also a part of me that would understand if you never could."
Robert listened to Andy for a moment before responding. "I thought that first year after Claire died would be the worst year of my life and it was bad, but I was wrong. She was in an accident. She didn't want to leave me…but you. You chose to spend 10 months not talking to me, to push me away, ice me out and end our marriage without ever fighting for it."
"Robert," Andy said with obvious sadness and regret. She rubbed a hand over her eyes and mustered the courage to share her uncomfortable truth. "After our fight in the barn and..." her voice trailed off. She didn't want to put words to what had happened next. They both knew. "Diane gave me a list of therapists and I've been going." Andy sighed and took a look at Robert to see his expression. It remained schooled and neutral.
She wasn't actually sure what to tell her husband or how to explain why she'd behaved the way she did, but she had to say something. "You were right. Rather than face conflict with you, I ran. That's apparently just something I do... or did. An unhealthy pattern. Every major relationship I've had, I've run when it got too real or too hard. I do to other people what my mom did to me and I didn't know that her abandoning me as a kid would make me self-sabotage. And so many other things that I'm still trying to figure out. I guess, I just want you to know it wasn't you. I was angry about so many things and unfortunately, you were an easy target. I took all that rage I felt that had been bottled up and unloaded on you. That wasn't fair. We had a fight and couples fight. I shouldn't have run for the hills. I see that so clearly now. I was wrong and I'm sorry."
Robert looked closely at the woman in front of him. She looked tired, but more like herself than she had in some time. Her eyes were softer, her body language more open and everything she said registered as truth for him. Sadly though, despite believing every word she said, he couldn't forget the heartbreak she'd caused him so many times over the past year. Despite how much he loved her, it just felt safer to let her go. "I'm glad that you're getting help, Andy, I really am...but that doesn't change what's happening with us. I can see that you've had a change of heart and I wish it could have happened sooner, but I just think too much damage has been done."
"I get that you don't have any reason to trust me and you don't owe me anything, but as much as you don't want to admit it, I know you still love me. And I'm hoping maybe that love is enough for you to reconsider. Try giving us another chance? Yes, I made mistakes... a lot of them, but I finally know why. It wasn't me. Not the me you fell in love with and not the version of me that I want to be in this world," Andy couldn't help the desperation she heard in her own voice as she pleaded her case.
"It's too late, Andy. I don't think opening back up is worth the risk." Robert said as he looked at the woman who he still loved deeply despite everything. He wished things were different, wished he could trust her, but knew he had to choose himself. He couldn't chance getting hurt by her again. "I've worked hard to move on and be happy again. You should too." With that Robert gave her one last look, pivoted on his heel and headed towards the door.
Instinctively Andy knew he wouldn't make this easy...he shouldn't. He'd waited, he'd fought, he'd let himself look like a fool while she ran his name into the ground. She was going to have to give this her all if she wanted to get him back and the truth was... in the end there was no guarantee. "I called my lawyer," Andy yelled at Robert's back. "And asked him to file a 'Motion to Dismiss'. So if you don't do anything to stop it, the final hearing with the judge will be cancelled and we will stay married."
Hearing this, Robert turned around with shock and disbelief on his face. "Why would you do that?" His anger grew quickly. "Because I'm finally moving forward with my life and you feel stuck? Because you see that I'm happy without you. Because I'm more than just a firefighter again." He hadn't wanted to fight with her. He'd been cordial. He'd done what he needed to do for himself to communicate but keep the distance, yet here she was blowing up his life again.
Feeling the dig of Robert's words, Andy steeled her resolve, but couldn't help remembering how'd she'd gone to the apartment once. Tried to talk to him and apologize. He told her that she'd proved him right. She was only with him because of the title and apparently she only slept with men in power. The statement stung and while it wasn't true, she understood why he believed it and why he felt that way.
His malice and dismissiveness was warranted, but Andy wasn't deterred. Her bruised ego didn't matter here. "Because I can't not love you and I've spent nearly a year trying. Because I'm stubborn and screwed up and sometimes it takes me a long time to figure things out." Standing in front of him and holding his gaze. "Because I want to fight."
"For what? Don't you get it? What we had is gone, Andy. It doesn't exist anymore." Robert yelled. His frustration was undeniable. "All that's left is painful memories and potential."
"I don't believe that, but if you do then we build something new. Just don't give up on me." Andy didn't dare hold back the emotion in her voice. She felt raw and exposed, but her pride had no place in this moment.
"Damn it." He growled with a low sigh. Robert shook his head as he looked away. He'd finally made peace, he'd finally started enjoying life again, he'd finally started looking towards the future and here she was saying the things he wanted to hear months ago.
"Do you remember how we'd be getting ready to go somewhere... and you would be shaved, showered, dressed, sitting around waiting for me while I was scrambling and running late... I know I'm late. I know you waited and fought for us alone for a long time. And I don't deserve a second chance...but I'm here now and I want to fight. Can we fight?"