Hello Everyone!

This is what I think is technically called a "4th derivative plot bunny." (Start your David Attenborough voice now...) These rare creatures spawn when research for one of your stories generates an unrelated plot-bunny. Then, the research from that spawns a new plot-bunny, which has a throw-away line that inspires an alternate ending, Finally, this alternate ending grows a life of its own, and inspires you to write a stand-alone oneshot, to be published separately.

Despite the accidental origin of this though, I think it is humorous enough to post on its own, so here you go!

Finally, while the usual "no own, no money, no sue" disclaimer applies, I also feel obligated to include a "I'm a software engineer by day" disclaimer. While I've certainly read a lot of both fanfiction and literature, my writing strengths generally revolve around design proposals, code documentation, and instruction manuals. As such, I owe a huge thanks to my Beta (bellairestrella over on AO3) for helping me with this. If you have any feedback, whether it be things you love or (kind) constructive criticism, I'd also love to hear it.

With that, though, I leave you to enjoy!

Best,
OfLegosAndDragons

As Harry stumbled through the doorway into St. Mungo's, he idly wondered if they had a "Frequent Visitors" card of some kind he could get. Although he wasn't going to admit this to Hermione, he ruefully reflected to himself that he really should be more careful, as he was almost certain this was his third visit this month. That being said, Hermione couldn't complain about him not being careful this time, since this time it was totally her fault. Especially given that SHE was the otter he had cradled to his chest using one arm, and was sinking her teeth into his other arm at the moment.

As Harry approached the welcome witch, she droned out "first floor, next!" and tried to wave him along.

Harry approached anyway. "This otter is actually my wife who I'm pretty sure has been cursed, and is stuck in her Animagus form… is that still treated on the first floor with other 'creature-induced injuries,' or should I try the third or fourth floor for either potions or spell damage?"

The welcome witch looked almost vaguely interested for a moment before shoeing him into the creature-induced injuries ward to get himself treated first, then they could figure out how to fix Hermione later. While this didn't appease his (admittedly self-sacrificial) instincts that Hermione came first, he also understood that, from a triage perspective, only one of them was bleeding with teeth still stuck in them, and it wasn't Hermione.

Once he made it to the reception area for the creature-induced injuries ward, he had admittedly even less luck with the receptionist there.

"Sir, I need you to fill out these patient intake forms, then wait to be treated."

"I'm sorry, my arms are kind of occupied at the moment. But I'm Harry Potter, and I know you have a file for me already. Can you just… use that?" Harry tried to awkwardly rub the back of his neck before being (painfully) reminded that the otter in his arms still thought he was (apparently) tasty.

The receptionist looked up, then her eyes went wide. "You're Harry Potter. Oh Merlin, I'm speaking with Harry Potter! Of course I can look up your files, go sit down and I'll be right with you."

Harry thought that he clearly didn't spend enough time getting bitten, stung, burned, or impaled with "embedded spines" (as the sign by the ward said) frequently enough if this receptionist wasn't yet over his fame. It then occurred to him that maybe it was a bad sign that the rest of the St. Mungo's staff was over his fame already because he came in so frequently. Resolving to think about that later, he settled in to wait for his turn with the healers.

As it turned out, right after dusk on a Friday night was not the time to go to St. Mungo's if you wanted a short wait time. While he was waiting though, he tried to figure out how he got into this situation in the first place.

His morning started off normal enough, cooking breakfast for both himself and Hermione. Then he tried engaging her with some small talk about her work before both of their coffees kicked in. The next thing he knew, she was running out the door claiming "we need to talk later." Harry never claimed to be an expert on girls (he suspected Hermione would claim he was quite clueless actually), but even he knew that was a bad sign. She never even gave him a kiss on the way out, which Harry didn't think had happened since they first started dating.

After that, he spent all day trying to figure out what he did wrong. Fortunately, he'd heard from Ron a long list of things that could have caused the dreaded "we need to talk" conversation, but he thought he was covered. He'd vanished the trash, "scourgified" the dishes and put them away, and put toilet seat down. He hadn't broken anything by trying to demonstrate a Quidditch move in the house. He ate with his mouth closed, and he already did the cooking for the both of them so she couldn't be upset at him for that. Harry was also reasonably sure he hadn't forgotten any important dates recently. More specific to Hermione, he was smart enough not to get any food on her books, or try "reorganizing" or "cleaning up" her notes when she was in the middle of a project. He couldn't think of anything he'd done lately that might have set Hermione off.

When she hadn't made it home by the time dinner was done cooking though, Harry was even more concerned. Was he not spending enough time with her? Was Hermione tired of him? Did she want a divorce?

After sunset came and went, Harry figured it was time to seek Hermione out and "bite the bullet" so to speak. Instead of walking all the way to the ministry, however, he found her in her Animagus form right across the street from Grimmauld Place. Now he knew he really screwed up, since she only usually transformed into her Animagus form when she was really stressed. What did he do to freak her out so badly?

Which, Harry had to admit with the benefit of hindsight, likely should have been a sign that if talking to him stressed her out enough to hide as an otter, she probably wouldn't be receptive to him trying to pick her up and hug her. It also explained why wrapping her up in a hug from behind resulted in his visit to St. Mungo's with an otter attached to his arm. But it still didn't explain what he did to screw up so badly, or why she hadn't changed back into a human after she bit him to berate him for doing something stupid, and so he was left to ruminate on it.

Once Harry was finally able to get in to see the healers, they were fortunately able to quickly pry the otter clinging to his arm off of him. Then they basically handed him some gauze, and told him to sit in the corner while they sorted Hermione out. When the otter remained as surly with the healers as it had been with Harry, they conjured up a cage for the otter while they ran their diagnostic spells. Harry didn't think that being stuck in a cage would improve Hermione's mood if he was being honest, but then again, he was the one holding gauze to his arm after being bitten while the healers weren't.

Unfortunately for Hermione, the healers' first round of diagnostic spells came up empty. While most of the healers put their heads together to try and figure out additional spells to try and check for, one of them left to go get a specialist from the fourth-floor spell damage department.

When the specialist from the fourth floor came up empty as well, Harry started getting concerned. The next person summoned to the room was a specialist from the third-floor potions department. When that specialist came up empty as well, Harry was really starting to get concerned. There was no way he was going to be able to live with himself if he wasn't able to fix things with Hermione. Especially if him upsetting her enough to run out of the house was what got her cursed to remain an otter forever.

Fortunately, the next person to enter the room was Hermione herself. "Thank goodness you're here Hermione!"

"Thank goodness I'm here? Why are you here?! I just got a Patronus that you were admitted to St. Mungo's YET AGAIN for an ANIMAL BITE? Crookshanks is currently with Luna since she needed a partial Kneazle for her research. Harry, WE HAVE NO ANIMALS IN THE HOUSE! HOW DID YOU GET ADMITTED TO ST MUNGO'S WITH AN ANIMAL BITE?!"

"Doesn't matter. Now that you're here, have you read anything about a person getting stuck in their Animagus form? Hermione is…" Harry trailed off as he realized he was looking at Hermione. A quick glance over though showed that the otter was still in the cage. Which meant the otter he picked up by Grimmauld Place was just an otter, and not his wife in her Animagus form. This also went a long way to explaining why the otter bit him when he tried to pick it up, and why the healers couldn't figure out what had cursed the otter.

Hermione finally noticed the crowd of healers in the room looking at her in shock, and the still unhappy otter in the cage. "HARRY JAMES POTTER! DID YOU KIDNAP A WILD OTTER THINKING IT WAS ME?! Do you seriously not know what my Animagus form looks like?! Do I need to worry about you cheating on me with other otters? Never mind, we'll talk about this later." Hermione turned to the healers now. "I apologize on my husband's behalf. I'll let you all get back to actual healing, and I'll deal with the otter. Also, given that my husband didn't actually get injured by a magical creature, I'm sure he can take himself to the local muggle emergency ward so you don't need to deal with him anymore, and he can go get a rabies test."

"Otters can have rabies?!" Harry blurted out before his brain caught up with his mouth. 'Bad Idea!' he thought as he brought Hermione's focus back to him.

"Yes, Harry, and a whole host of other potential diseases if you let yourself get BITTEN by one! And no, I will not be asking this poor otter for his family's medical history while I'm asking him exactly where you took him from so that I can bring him back," Hermione stated primly.

Harry took that for the dismissal it was, and slowly started sneaking out the room as he saw Hermione transform into an otter herself and start chirping back and forth with the otter in the cage. Given the tone of their chirps, he had the distinct feeling that they were comparing just how much of a dunderhead he was. Since he had apparently mistaken a male, wild otter for his wife, though, he thought they might be justified in this case.

The good news was that based on the receptionist's laugh when she saw him heading out, he no longer needed to worry about getting special treatment as "Harry Potter, the Man-Who-Conquered" (or whatever The Daily Prophet was calling him these days) anywhere in St. Mungo's. He would now be known as "Harry Potter, the Man-Who-Didn't-Know-His-Own-Wife's-Anigamus-Form-And-Got-Bitten-By-A-Wild-Otter" instead.

Once Harry had gotten some stitches for his arm and some rabies shots just in case, he made a detour to the chocolate shop that sold some of Hermione's favorite Swiss chocolate. Then, just to be safe, he made another detour to a flower shop to bring home a bouquet for Hermione as well. He then stopped by a local muggle bookstore to pick up a small book on otters for himself, and a large book on different animals in Europe for Hermione as the final part of his peace offering. Gifts safely in his good arm, he finally apparated back to Grimmauld Place.

Harry found Hermione in the library, sitting on her favorite armchair, clearly waiting for him. He gulped. If Crookshanks wasn't currently at Luna's, he had the feeling that Hermione would look like the stereotypical villain from muggle superhero movies stroking her cat.

Harry resisted the urge to kneel in front of Hermione like a knight presenting his sword before his liege as he presented her with his gifts. "I'm sorry for worrying you when you got the Patronus from St. Mungo's. While it won't undo the worry I caused you, hopefully these chocolates will make you feel better. And I'm sorry for mistaking a wild otter for you, and making you need to put it back. The flowers are for you, and the little book is for me to learn more about otters so I won't make that mistake again. And, um…" Harry rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "I don't actually know what I did to make you run out this morning anyway, but I figured I owned you an apology anyway, and probably a book as well, so I got you this big one as I didn't think you had many muggle books in your library."

Hermione set his gifts down on the table by her chair, stood up, and just wrapped him up in one of what Harry liked to call her "Hermione Hugs™." "Oh, you silly man, I wasn't mad at you this morning, you just reminded me I had a report I needed to present today, and was supposed to be going in to work early to finish it. Then I got stuck working late to try and make the proposed edits while the advice as still fresh." She pulled back just enough to look him in the eye, and continued, "and not that I don't appreciate your gifts, but you being safe is enough for me. Just promise me no more picking up stray otters, okay? If it's me, and I want to be picked up, I'll come to you."

"Thank you. I have no idea what I'd do without you." Harry gave Hermione a quick forehead kiss, and pulled her in closer to extend their hug.

The next Christmas, Harry watched in amusement as Hermione performed a series of what he thought were random wand movements until an extra gift appeared seemingly out of thin air. He had no clue what spell (or, more likely, collection of spells) Hermione used to hide the gift, and he wouldn't put it past her to have invented new spells just to get around their annual gift-giving limits. Hermione certainly piqued his interest though if she went through that much effort to hide this present from him.

"So," Hermione started, unusually shyly given her usual pride in either pulling off complicated spell work or pulling one over on him, "I don't know if you'll like this or not, and this wasn't meant to tease you or anything, but the thought occurred to me after your trip to St. Mungo's for the otter bite, and, well, I hope you like it."

Harry unwrapped the mystery box to reveal an otter plushy. For some reason, though, this didn't look like any old otter plushy from the zoo. No, for one thing, it was way too lifelike. If he wasn't already holding it and feeling the plushy-ness, he would have sworn it was an actual, taxidermied otter. It also looked incredibly familiar, but he was sure he'd never seen any plushy so detailed before. Then he looked up, and saw an identical otter looking back at him with a rather bashful expression on her face. This otter plushy didn't just look similar to her Animagus form; Hermione somehow managed to make a plushy of her Animagus form, down to the tiniest details in her fur.

Harry hugged the plushy to his chest. Hermione gave him a piece of herself to keep with him and snuggle with when she was away, in what Harry knew was a silent promise to always come back to him. Harry then gently tossed it on the couch next to him, and scooped up the real Hermione for a hug. This time, instead of a trip to St. Mungo's, he ended up with a lap full of Hermione when she transformed on top of him and hugged him back with her usual strength. Harry just managed to get out a muffled "Thank you" into Hermione's neck before pulling her even closers, but he knew that she heard anyway, and understood the love for her he still sometimes had a hard time voicing.

This was definitely going on his list of favorite Christmas gifts (and Christmases in general), even if it did require an otter bite to get here.

If you're interested, this story was partially inspired by the news article "Otters are making themselves at home in UK cities" from the London Natural History Museum about otters moving back to UK cities.

This story was also inspired by "A Guide to Legally Owning and Caring for a Pet Otter" from PetHelpful I read to try and figure out how to take care of otters for another story. As soon as I read the quote "Otters are not ferrets; they are not animals that should be kept with the intention of cuddling them," I immediately thought that Harry would totally try and cuddle an otter if he thought it was Hermione, and here we are.

Finally, for a fun read on identifying individual otters, check out "Identifying Individual Otters" by J Scott Shannon (5 short webpages in total), which I thought was very helpful, even if I ended up leaving the exact descriptions of the otters up to your imagination in the story after all.

Thank you again for reading this!

Best,
OfLegosAndDragons