"My name is Lisa and we're going to start with the fun stuff first," the instructor declared with a grin while pulling out bins of baby dolls. "Then we'll get down to the nitty-gritty parts." She held up a doll, a diaper, and a thin cotton blanket. "I'm going to teach you how to swaddle and diaper your baby!"
"Now some of you may be wondering what swaddling is," Lisa continued. "In fact, I see several puzzled faces in this group." She gestured to the thin cotton blanket in her left hand. "Swaddling is wrapping a baby in a blanket much like this one."
Pssh. How could these people not know what swaddling is? scoffed Jen. Have they been living under a rock their whole lives? I hate being surrounded by idiots. She scanned the other members in the group, noting some who were dressed in what she referred to as thrift store chic. Especially poor idiots.
"You see, babies are used to being in a warm, cramped space," Lisa informed, scanning the crowd while pointing at all the ladies' enormous bellies. "Your wombs."
She hunkered down, tucking her limbs into her body. "Swaddling makes babies feel like they are back in the womb- safe, warm, and snug," she continued in a low, soft voice. "It comforts and soothes them."
Jen was in the middle of a large yawn when, in a surprisingly fluid motion, Lisa leaped up from her crouch, held up one index finger, and exclaimed, "But only if you do it right!"
Jen jumped, startled, and heard her husband chuckle. Her cheeks warmed and she scowled at him before returning her attention to the overly energetic teacher.
"Careful, you'll give yourself wrinkles," Brad admonished.
"If you don't," Lisa droned on. "Those little escape artists are guaranteed to wiggle free."
She heard her husband's metal chair groan as he shifted his weight. "Don't worry, babe," Brad purred in her ear. "You're highly skilled with your hands so I'm sure this will be a snap." He grinned widely as he noticed her ears redden. Teasing Jen in public was one of Brad's favorite games.
"All right. Would each couple please come forward to collect their baby, diaper, and blanket! We'll practice swaddling and diapering on the floor space in front of your seats," Lisa instructed.
"What are we, dogs?" Jen grumbled. "I can't believe they have hugely pregnant women crawling around on the floor. Also, why don't they have muslin cotton for the blankets? It's far superior. This is what our taxes are paying for—Ooof!."
One of the husbands accidentally stumbled into her. Brad froze the man in place with a murderous glare before the poor soul could offer a word of apology. The man paled, practically turning into a puddle before their eyes. Brad held the look for a full five seconds before freeing the pitiful fellow, allowing him a hasty retreat back to his wife. Jen saw concern on the woman's face as she noted the sudden change in her husband's appearance.
Jen brushed herself off, smirking. My husband is such a boss.
Brad gathered the items and the couple sat on the floor in front of their seats.
Once Lisa saw all the couples were settled she demonstrated how to thoroughly wrap and tuck the blanket around the doll.
Jen watched her husband expertly swaddle the doll, a smug smile resting on her face. This man….Just like with everything else, Jen thought, he only needs to see it once before he can perfectly duplicate it. One of the many reasons I chose him to be mine.
Jen followed suit with relative ease, getting it right on her second try, and soon they were done with the supposedly fun part. If this was fun I can't wait to see what we get to do next Jen thought sardonically.
Jen didn't realize she'd spoken aloud until a high nasal laugh, punctuated by a loud snort, sounded from Jen's left. Oh, it's the unicorn again. A single disdainful stare from Jen silenced the woman once more. Jen flipped her hair and rolled her eyes. Geez, some people just don't know when to give up.
"All right! Great job everyone. We're going to have a short break now and move onto the actual "birth" section of the class!" Lisa said. "Please help yourselves to the snacks on the table."
Brad went to grab them something to drink, returning with an orange juice. Jen desperately wished she could add a little something to the juice. How the hell is that instructor woman teaching this sober? Maybe she isn't... Jen sniggered.
"Wow, you two rocked those exercises," said a male voice. Jen had been too lost in her reverie to notice the approach of a couple who were now standing far too closely to her.
"I'm Tom and this is my wife, Terri," he introduced. "You must be the type of couple that everything comes easily to, huh?" he asked with a chuckle.
Brad's tight smile failed to reach his eyes as he replied, "Well now, I wouldn't go so far as to say that."
Tom, who apparently wasn't as big a fool as he seemed, took a couple steps back and Brad relaxed slightly.
"It took us like a whole year to get pregnant," Tom continued amiably.
At this casual admittance Jen visibly cringed as Kyoko returned to the forefront. Aaah!? I don't want to hear about that!? Kyoko cried internally. What is with this American custom? How are they OK just coming out and saying they're having tons and tons of sex order to try to get pregnant!?
"It didn't take us very long at all, did it Jen?" Brad asked, emphasizing her name, and resting his large hand on her shoulder.
Kyoko jumped at his touch, realizing she'd frozen in place and was blushing. She raised her right hand to her face, invoking Jen once more, and placed a contemptuous smile on her face. "No time at all- though we continued to enjoy the practice," came her sultry reply.
The now embarrassed Tom and Terri muttered something noncommittal and hastily went back to their seats just as Lisa flicked the lights again.
Lisa had them get back on the floor, much to Jen's irritation, with the husbands positioned behind the wife as support to help with a Lamaze breathing exercise. Then, the instructor began playing a video of several different women and their methods of coping with labor pains.
One particularly loud woman who was riding a birthing ball began moaning passionately in a perfection imitation of a woman in the middle of doing the deed.
Well, this isn't uncomfortable. Noooo, not at all, Jen thought, cringing.
"Pleasure and pain, babe," Brad's honeyed voice breathed in her ear. "It's a blurring line."
"If you said that line to me like that at literally any other time, I'd be all for whatever you were planning," Jen retorted with a half smile. She turned reluctantly back to the TV screen, wincing.
Fortunately the moaning only lasted another minute before the video finally ended. That was awful on so many levels.
Little did Jen know that it was about to get worse.
Just as Jen was beginning to recover from the traumatizing film, Lisa began speaking. "For all the guys out there, imagine you're having the worst constipation of your life." She squatted down in a perfect imitation of someone sitting on the toilet and began to groan. "Uuuhhn!" she grunted, her sounds growing louder by the second.
Her captive audience looked around first in amusement mouths quirking with little smiles, then in confusion as she continued, and finally in embarrassment, with no one daring to make eye contact at all.
Jen was no less mortified. This is absurd. Surely, she won't continue this any longer? she thought, eyes wide in disbelief.
"What the hell…." Jen heard Brad give voice to the question they were all thinking. She saw him staring, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, at their teacher.
Lisa continued straining and grunting, face turning red in a perfect imitation of someone trying to oust what must absolutely be the worst bowel movement of their lives. It was a performance that, had she poured the same passion and effort into any other role, she likely would have won an award. In this instance, however, her fervor only served to make the experience more disturbing.
Lisa performed a jump squat and was standing once more, a goofy grin on her face. "Gentlemen, that is what it's like and that is all our time folks. Thank you, class dismissed!"
Kuon and Kyoko walked, arms linked, back to their car in the parking garage, both mentally worn out.
"If any friends ask about attending this birthing class in the future, I'm going to recommend they don't come sober," Kuon said.
Kyoko laughed and nodded in agreement.
A/N Hopefully this chapter doesn't feel like a boring read...if it does, apologies. And if you are wondering if such an instructor really exists, the answer is yes lol.