Location: Home?
Date: June 16th

Okay...this is weird. I know for a fact I fell asleep on the big tree hill that overlooks the whole village, yet I woke up in my bed. I looked around the house, and Nuzleaf isn't here. He didn't leave a note or anything...maybe he carried me home and had to go take care of something this morning?

Heh. Kept his word about remaking the hay lump into two separate beds. It's fresh hay though, so he probably had to dump the old hay as well as fashion new beds. On top of everything else he'd been busy with.

Ugh, that guilt feeling came back. I don't...I mean, our talk last night really escalated in an unexpected way. Talk about a Diglett hole turning into a mountain. I got what I wanted though - I told Nuzleaf to just talk to me about what was upsetting him instead of keeping it to himself. I had no idea I made such a gargantuan mess of things...

I ate breakfast alone. It feels...bad eating alone like this. Carracosta ate with me when Nuzleaf left before, so this is a first. It's not the only first – Nuzleaf informed me of when he'd be back whenever he had to leave. This feels different. Colder.

I hope this doesn't become the norm between us.

Location: Serene Village Plaza

Well, turns out today just wasn't a good day for either of the Evergreens founders.

Lyra could tell I was in a sour mood right off the bat, but when I told her I didn't feel like talking about it she understood. She told me she saw Nuzleaf leave early this morning, though she didn't know where to.

Pancham and Shelmet met us at the plaza and told us scary ghost stories about the school. They weren't that scary to me, but they were enough to make poor Lyra pass out. When she woke up, Pancham mocked her about her fear of ghost stories before taking off. Lyra wasn't in a good mood and wasn't motivated enough to go on any expeditions. Since I wasn't really feeling it myself, we decided to just hang out at our homes, maybe do some cleaning.

I thought about keeping Lyra company so she wouldn't feel spooked, but she said something about cooking with Carracosta and after last night...I didn't need to listen to another adult yell. I told her I wanted to work on something journal-related and could use some quiet, so we went our separate ways for the day.

Location: Home.

Nuzleaf still isn't home yet.

That may be a blessing in disguise. Something...dark, heavy, and familiar crept up on me when I returned home and I dropped onto my stomach in my room's doorway. Deciding to shift to be more comfortable, I wriggled around until my head and front legs were in the kitchen while my back legs were in my room. All four of my legs stretched out and my face rested against the wooden floor.

To anyone else, I looked completely ridiculous. I wonder if anyone else would've seen the darkness hanging above my head like a lightning cloud. Even if it wasn't visible, I certainly felt its influence. All my energy sapped away and I closed my eyes. I felt like a fertilizer sack.

Should I be feeling this way? Was this healthy? Was this normal?

In the blackness, a large rectangle of white light shined (an open doorway, perhaps?) and a figure faded in from the whiteness. Despite the light, I couldn't really see them very well. Just their shadowy silhouette. They were humanoid, but there was something...off. Disfigured. They moved in an unnatural, broken way.

Whoever they were, they were huge. Tall as a skyscraper. Their size alone was intimidating, but the fact that I couldn't see their face freaked me out even more. They made threatening and terrifying gestures towards me. What did they want? Was there something I wasn't picking up on?

Then they grabbed something...their hair? They grabbed where their hair would be with both hands and pulled as if frustrated. Was I...was I frustrating them? I don't understand what they want...I haven't even done anything yet.

Having had enough, they grabbed something...oh...oh no...no, Arceus, please tell me that's not...

They grabbed a brown leather belt. Before I could say or do anything, it was coming at my face and-

And I jolted my head up from the floor.

What...what was that? Was that a dream? Certainly was a strange one, but there was something...off about it. It didn't feel as comfortingly fictional as my hay bed nightmare from the other night. Could it have been a memory? I certainly hope it wasn't.

Memories like that are better off left in Ozu, or "The World of the Forgotten". One of the many stories Farfetch'd told us was about a young Pokemon who was abandoned and forgotten, and thus was led into Ozu by its gatekeeper. It's where everything that is forgotten goes and stays until it eventually stops existing.

Nice children's story, eh?

Kinda wish I could visit Ozu instead of lying on the floor with this cursed dark cloud looming over me. This sucks. Why do I have to feel this way in this world too? Why did that memory...dream...thing have to bring that stupid cloud with it?

I rested my chin on the floor between my front legs and felt my eyelids droop. I just kinda...stayed there. Don't know for how long. Coulda been hours or just minutes, but I remained in that position once Nuzleaf came home. I didn't say anything or look in his direction. Or react in any way. Didn't feel like it.

When he turned and saw me, I'm assuming he made a face or tried to keep himself from laughing because he snorted. He then walked over and sat against the wall to my right and asked if the floor's comfy.

I asked Nuzleaf if he could wave his hand above my head like he's trying to shoo a bug Pokemon. He...humored my request, but it didn't work. The dark cloud didn't dissolve. I told him there's a cloud of darkness above my head, and I don't think he's gonna be able to beat it up with a stick.

Heh. He could try beating me with a stick if he thought that would do it. He told me that I should never say stuff like that and asked what kind of Pokemon I took him for. I shrugged and said it might alleviate some of the anger he didn't get a chance to throw at me last night.

He...didn't find that funny.

Nuzleaf was real quiet for the longest time. Then he just...laid down. He plopped his fat head on my side like I'm a pillow and said that he was sorry about last night while staring up at the ceiling. He didn't mean to chew my head off like that, and he'd gotten really scared that I'd run away when I left. When he found me on the hilltop, he was so relieved he could've cried. He'd meant to apologize this morning, but he didn't feel ready yet and wanted to make something special for dinner as his way of apologizing...but maybe food wasn't gonna work.

I inhaled deeply through my nose and let it out slowly, causing his head to rise and fall. What, is the floor our new therapy couch or something? Jeez...won't lie though, it's nice to talk to him about it instead of giving each other the cold shoulder.

I asked him if I looked like a damn psychic-type. Normally, he gives me the stink eye or outright scolds me for using slightly coarse language (I'm lucky he doesn't read these!), but he let it slide and decided to humor me again. He said no, he reckoned I don't look like a psychic-type.

Then how the hell did he expect me to know that humans only exist in fairy-tales in this world?

He made a sound before turning his head to look at me. I lifted my head, but could only see his pointy noise out of my peripheral vision, so I settled for rolling my eyes and looking straight ahead again. Least my chin was off the floor now.

"Got me there. Never even occurred to me that ya didn't know that."

I told him that even if I'd decided to keep my human history a secret, I'm a terrible liar. We should've gotten our stories straight the night before my first day. That question was gonna pop up eventually, if not by one of my classmates then surely by one of the other villagers. A kid randomly accompanying a villager while out on his trek...that's gonna spark curiosity.

Ugh, this whole situation was stupid and exhausting and...oh look, my chin's on the floor again.

And if me revealing my human history was such a problem, then he's the idiot for not thinking to discuss that with me. He uh...didn't like that I said that. He said I'm being disrespectful, but I told him that I didn't care. This dark feeling won't go away, and right now he could kill me and I wouldn't care because nothing matters.

Nothing.

...Except for Nuzleaf's bony head digging into my ribs.

As he sat up, I sighed and muttered an apology. I knew I was being disrespectful and difficult, but...that stupid cloud wouldn't go away and it was really getting on my nerves.

I told him about the giant frustrated silhouette brandishing a belt and attacking me, and...that's it. That's all that came to me. It was a dark and terrifying...thing. Memory? Dream? Whatever it was, it brought that dark cloud with it.

He...he got this real serious look on his face and then got down on his belly in front of me and rested his head on his arms, then poked my forehead.

"Sounds like some past scum's resurfacin'. Uncoverin' the abusive things ya went through is a consequence of restorin' yer memories...but that don't mean nothin'. Mental scars are a reminder of what you went through, not where yer goin'. Ain't nobody in this village who's gonna attack you with nothin', you understand?"

I didn't respond. He tried asking me again after setting his hands on opposite sides of my head, but that didn't work either.

"Irau."

I admitted that I couldn't know that for sure. I mean, he was pretty angry last night...had I not run away, how do I know if things wouldn't have escalated to that point?

Nuzleaf seemed a little irate and said I seem awful fond of forming opinions of him without any reason to believe he'd be that way. I wanted to remind him of when he'd beaten our hay beds with a stick, but I know that's not a fair example because he wasn't being serious...I don't think. He was only making a goof.

I merely shrugged and said that I don't have previous experiences to go by since I lost my memories, so all I have is instinct. Maybe not attuned Pokemon instinct, but limited human instinct shaped by a past I don't remember. He's done nothing to hurt me, yet every fiber of my being knows I should be afraid of him. I want so badly to turn off that feeling, but I can't. I told him that, and I told him that I want to believe him when he says that nobody's gonna attack me, but I'm so scared that that won't be true.

Heh, looking back on it maybe that nightmare I had was a manifestation of my trust issues. What ultimate betrayal could be worse than your own bed deciding to consume you?

Still, this whole situation sucks. It's not fair to either of us.

I guess Nuzleaf got tired of seeing me flat on the floor looking upset because he suddenly picked me up and sat in my spot, then hugged me against him.

"I reckon that's enough mopin'. Sadness don't suit you, kiddo. Iffin' yer truly scared I'll hurtcha, don't you think it'd be unwise t'live with me? Do ya...wanna move out?"

Ah...he had me there. Although I'll undoubtedly move out some day, I don't want that to be now. Or even soon.

I told him no, and his face lit up and he hugged me so hard I could barely grunt out the fact that I couldn't breathe. He let out a lighthearted laugh before patting my head. He said that's good since he didn't want to deal with an empty nest so soon. The house feels so much warmer with me here.

Ahaha...I wanted to share his sentiments, but that feeling of dread still lingered. Why does this fog of distrust have to hang on me? Nuzleaf may have scolded me last night, but compared to what I'm truly afraid of that's hardly anything noteworthy. He made it clear he regrets doing it, and even made it clear he has no intention of hurting me.

So...why do I feel so uneasy? I don't want to feel this way! I want to feel safe and secure and...and I want to trust him, dammit!

Ugh. I don't think it's specific to Nuzleaf, which is a little reassuring. I imagined living with Roselia or even Carracosta and that feeling of unease still lingered. Maybe I just don't trust parental figures? Or if I do, it takes an unusually long time to build it.

Well, Nuzleaf has already thwarted my negative expectations of his behavior by promising to be there if I have any nightmares. Given everything he's done for me thus far, I don't think he owes me a damn thing. This uneasiness? This issue? All me. He's done more than enough to earn my trust. Now it's up to me to make myself vulnerable enough to give it.

He's not gonna hurt me. He's not like that. He's a good Pokemon. Even if he gets angry, he's good. He's a good dude.

I reassured him that I'm not about to run away anytime soon, and not over something as trivial as a fight between us. He seemed happy with that and told me I should get ready for bed. Before I went off, he told me that he...he's really happy I decided to stay. And that I'm willing to give him another chance.

Ahaha...I told him he hadn't even lost his first, and that this feeling wasn't his fault. It's just me putting up unnecessary walls.

Nuzleaf and I aren't overly touchy-feely types, but we had no problems hugging before I went off to my bedroom. I mean, Lyra and I sometimes hug or playfully lean against each other while we're exploring, but to lower my guard enough to let Nuzleaf be part of that...feels different. Not quite comforting, but not bad either.

I mean...it's a first step.

Now that I'm thinking back on this, Nuzleaf's technically not my father. He's just a Pokemon who's letting me live with him. And comforts me when I have nightmares. And scolds me when I step out of line. And is investigating the Beheeyem and my unusual circumstances. And...okay, whatever.

Even though he DOES act like a father, at least he acts like a good father.

A/N: I've edited and revised this one so many times T_T emotional follow-ups are hard, both to do irl and to type. My original text involved Carracosta and Lyra having dinner with the Leafhead family and Irau having an emotionally vulnerable moment, buuuuut it's a little soon for that I think. Doesn't flow very well.

I hope this last entry doesn't come across as forced or anything, I put a LOT of thought into it.