Location: Home, Rooftop
Date: July 4th (early, early morning)

I don't know when I fell asleep up here, but I rubbed the dried tears from my face once I awoke. The night air felt chilly. Or I just wasn't used to having my scarf off.

I felt lost and unsure of what to do. I know I came up here to be alone, but now that I was...I didn't know what was next. That horrible upset feeling was still in me, but at least it wasn't making me cry anymore. All I felt like doing was staring vacantly out into the darkness, drowning in my sea of thoughts.

Is this why I was brought to this world and turned into a Chikorita? To face these social situations and suffer the consequences of my own ineptitude? Or perhaps it was because I used to be human that I didn't understand how to handle these situations. Thinking back on it, Nuzleaf initially got angry at me because he expected me to understand that I shouldn't have said a word about my human history. Now Lyra and I were at odds because I'd asked a question about two devices that she and the other members of the Society expected me to understand the schematics of.

It's not the fact that I spoke that's the problem, it's that I didn't understand things they wanted me to. Are humans...dumber than Pokémon? Is that why I don't pick up on these things? Or maybe it's just me. Maybe another human-turned-Pokemon would've picked up on things, and I'm just incredibly stupid.

My eyes squeezed shut and I felt tears begin to pool again, sucking in air through my teeth.

No. No. I'm not stupid. I can't be. I'm not.

I don't know why, but the thought of me being of low intelligence...I just can't handle that. Maybe it's another puzzle piece to my past that I really don't want to assemble. The more pieces I find, the less I like the picture that could come from it.

Don't tell your parent(s) of any nightmares you have because they'll punish you. Don't accept being called stupid, it hurts too much. And no matter what you do, do NOT cry in front of someone. Doesn't matter if you gotta stop socializing and act like a statue, keep those damn tears at bay.

Before I could stew more on my issues, Ampharos decided to pay me a visit. He brought up a couple of mugs, one purple and one white. He set the purple one next to me and started sipping from his after sitting next to me. He said that the purple one has hot green gummi juice, a popular drink among grass types. It's meant to be drank when cool, but he warmed it up since warm gummi drinks help soothe frayed emotions.

I just stared at the mug. There was a lot on my mind, and I told him I was sorry if I made him worry by running out like that. Told him how I'd scared the last Pokémon looking after me by doing that, but Ampharos said he wasn't worried so much as confused.

Lyra has been a bundle of excitement and eagerness since we first stepped in this building, but he noticed I don't feel the same way. Why would I agree to stay here if I'm clearly having a bad time? Dedenne overheard me talking about how I miss Serene Village, and Ampharos asked if I wanted to go home.

I told him that...no, I don't want to go home. This didn't have to do with this afternoon. Although I do miss Serene Village, going home won't solve anything. And Lyra and I worked too hard for me to turn tail now.

When he asked me what's wrong, I just...I really didn't want to talk about it because thinking about it was making me get worked up, and I told him that. I said I didn't like it when I got emotional, and it was stupid and irrelevant anyway. Come morning, I'll be over it and the Evergreens can continue like nothing happened.

Ampharos didn't like that. I could tell from his expression that he wasn't pleased. After a short while of silence and sipping his drink, he said something kinda shocking.

"My, my. You get worked up because you suppress your emotions out of fear of getting worked up. If you let your emotions flow naturally, they wouldn't flare up so often."

Fine. He wants to know so badly? I told him what happened. Everything from how Lyra's snarky comment and the others laughing at me this morning got on my nerves to how I took off my scarf and came up here. I told him I felt hurt because I thought she and I agreed to have each other's backs and I didn't know who else to talk to because I'd always talked to her when these things happened. When I think about her comment and them laughing at me, I feel foolish and embarrassed. Lyra and the others made me feel stupid, and...and I'm not stupid! I'm nOT STUPID!

Ugh...okay, admittedly I yelled that at him when I really didn't need to. I was hysterical and gross crying...I was a mess.

Ampharos put his arms on my shoulders and told me to take a deep breath. After a bit, I calmed down and decided to try the drink he brought out for me. It was...nice. Warm. Comforting. Not as filling as Carracosta's cooking, but it helped calm my nerves a little.

He said that sometimes the others...forget to be mindful of others' feelings, which was why he quieted them down to explain things to me. He'd been hoping that explanation would be enough to de-escalate the situation, but it's not always that simple.

He set one of his arms atop my head and said that nobody thinks I'm stupid. I said that I do. Why else did he need to explain the Nexus and Connection Orb thing to me when Lyra said it was obvious to everyone else? He shook his head and said that I simply think differently from them. I feel things differently while they act on their instincts. What may be obvious or implied to them may not make any sense at all to a human.

That...he grabbed my attention with that statement. He didn't say anything, just smiled down at me.

So, he knows...I guess it's an understood thing between us not to talk about it. How though? How does he know? Is it obvious? Did someone tell him? Or maybe he...do we have that in common?

He asked if I'm having a bad time here, and I said no. I'm...overall having a neutral time. It's not what I expected, but it's not all bad either. I took another sip of the warm gummi juice.

However, I admitted that I didn't want to come here. I just wanted to explore this world and discover things naturally. But...this is Lyra's dream. Joining the Expedition Society...I agreed to do this with her, and I didn't want to abandon her. But now that I'm here...

My eyes started to water, but I wiped the tears away. I asked Ampharos if wanting to leave the Society would make me a bad friend, and he said no. He said most Pokémon would've decided to go their own way and left Lyra to walk this path alone. I chose to do this instead of what I wanted to do. Lyra couldn't have asked for a better friend. I...I told him I felt like a horrible friend, but he waved it off and said that's just my brain tricking me. He said I was probably surrounded by toxic folks in my other life, so now that I'm surrounded by good folks my brain is trying to rationalize things the only way it knows how – by hating myself.

Jeez...perhaps I was far too harsh on him when I arrived – he's not the airheaded idiot I made him out to be. Was that also my brain rationalizing things the only way it knew how? By harshly judging others? Well, fuck you brain. You were in the wrong this time.

After a while of contemplating his words and sipping the gummi drink, I huffed out a sigh. Well...now the question remained. What do I want to do?

Hm. No matter what answer comes to mind my only requirement is that Lyra has to be with me. I want to be by Lyra's side. I told that to Ampharos and admitted that I feel...conflicted. I want to be free and explore, but I want to do so with Lyra.

That made him laugh. He said I made it sound like the Expedition Society was a prison. We're free to explore and wander wherever we want without a time limit or even the need to come home. We could spend days away from HQ if we wanted. His job as Chief is simply to give us the tools we need to do our job and check in on us to make sure we're okay. He admitted that there's a lot of restrictions right now, but that's because we're still just starting out.

As we finished our gummi drinks, we made a deal: Let's give this Expedition Society thing a year, and if I still feel conflicted after the year's up then I'll leave. Ampharos said he just wants me to enjoy my life here at the Society. He'd hate to see any of his friends unhappy.

He...considers me a friend? We only met a few times, it seems a little soon to be thinking of us as…no, y'know what, fuck that. We're friends. If this little talk doesn't boost us up to friendship level, nothing will.

Ampharos really is a good Pokémon. I completely misjudged him. I told him that and apologized. He patted my head and said not to lose sleep over it – everyone misjudges him.

I asked him if he thought it was strange that I hardly talked before now. He said no because folks who stay quiet do so for dark or deeply personal reasons. What my reasons are is none of his business, but if I took anything away from our talk, he wanted it to be this:

"You are a very intelligent and kindhearted young lady who shouldn't be afraid to let the world hear her voice. Even if others laugh at you or make you feel foolish, I'll do everything in my power to dissolve those bad feelings and help you remember your true potential."

I…I felt warm from hearing that and I hugged him. Although they were still shaky, I was able to wrap two of my vines from the buds on my neck around him to tighten the embrace, and he hugged me back.

I know that Lyra didn't mean any harm, nor did the others. But they did upset me, and if Ampharos hadn't come out...I might've run away. I don't know. Things were so twisted and confused and emotional. I can't say for certain what might've happened if things weren't sorted out or if nobody talked to me.

This...this felt better. This was nice and good and...and I feel good about the deal we made. Hopeful. I want everything to be okay.

Ampharos went in shortly after we unhugged, and I said I'd turn in soon as well. Just wanted to get everything down on paper first.

Hm...I know I still have to talk to Lyra about all this when we get up tomorrow morning, but somehow I think it'll be okay. I don't have any proof that it will be, but...heh, guess I'm taking a page from her book and just winging it.

Here's hoping it works out as well for me as it does for her.