Chapter 42

Rafe had been thinking most of the barbecue. He wondered where his mother was. He felt bad for telling her he would walk out of her life. He wanted to tell her he was sorry. That he loved her no matter what. That he was angry about her life choices but that he could never truly write her out of his life. So, he left the barbecue and went to the house hoping to find her.

As he reached the farmhouse, he noticed her car still in the driveway. He didn't know exactly what he was going to say, but he knew he needed to apologize. He wasn't going to except her and Olivia, but he didn't want to lose his mother either. He stepped onto the porch, took a deep breath, and pounded on the door. After several knocks and receiving no answer, he got the key from under the mat and let himself in.

Walking in, he noticed the house was dark, and quite, too quite. He made his way through the living room and into the kitchen. Still no sign of his mother. He turned on his heel and marched up the stairs. Something drew him to open up every door. First was his bedroom, opening the door he found it exactly as he left it, including the clothes on the floor. He was surprised his mother hadn't picked them up or made the bed. Next he opened Olivia's old bedroom door. Finding it in perfect condition but no sign that Olivia actually stayed in it. A sickening feeling entered his stomach as he realized she stayed in his mother's bedroom now. He made his way down the hall and opened Emma's door. He looked around. The room was perfect for any little girl. Pink and purple everywhere, stuffed animals lining the perfectly made bed. He noticed her 'My Two Mommies' project laying on her desk. Picking it up he thumbed through it again. As he read and looked at the pictures, he realized that they were a family, and he hated it. Setting the report back down he left the child's room, closing the door behind him.

Lastly he opened the door to his mother's room. He knew she wouldn't be there. The moment he stepped onto the second-floor landing and found it quite, he knew his mother wasn't in the house. Slowly he stepped into the room. He glanced around. Seeing pictures of himself, Emma, Ava, and his mother and Olivia lining the dresser and the bed side tables. Looking around it was clear that this was his mother and Olivia's shared space. Just before he turned to leave, he noticed the envelope sitting on the bed with Olivia's name written in his mother's handwriting. He sat on the edge of the bed and picked it up. He knew it was wrong to open it, but he hoped he would find answers to his mother's whereabouts hidden inside. Carefully he opened it and pulled out the letter with shaking hands. He took a deep breath, unfolded the letter, and began to read.

My Dearest Olivia,

The first thing I need you to know, and to understand fully, is that I love you. My heart beats for you my darling. I have never loved anther the way I love you. Yes, I loved Gus. I loved him dearly, and a part of me always will. But I loved him with an adolescent heart. Held onto him with a child's dream. He was not my true love. He gave me my son, and I wanted a real family with him, but even when I got him, he wasn't mine. His heart belonged to Harley; I knew that. I used to believe that God sent Daisy to me to bring me Gus, to give me the family I had always dreamed about, to give Rafe his father, now I know, that I was wrong. God brought me here to find you. What are the odds that he was a match for you? God had a plan for me, and it was you. It was always you. I was meant to find you, and to love you. With you I have the family I thought I would have with Gus. We have an almost blinding love, we have two beautiful daughters, the only thing missing is our son. I remember the first time you called him that. Even as angry as he was at you, you told me he was our son. You told me you would always be there for him, no matter how mad he was. He was like Emma and Ava, ours. I will never forget the way my heart leapt in my chest when you referred to my son as your own. No one has ever wanted to take responsibility for him, no one ever truly cared. Gus did, but more out of obligation than anything else. He loved his son, I know that, but it was different. You my love, you wanted to be his mother and care for him as much I do. You wanted to give him what he needed, even if that meant sleeping separate from me, getting up early, and leaving the house as quick as possible. You did so much for him while he was in jail. I know my love, I know everything. I know when he first went in and was blaming me for turning him in, that your, "gentle as a lamb" approach, was really you yelling at him for treating me so poorly. I know that you made sure he always had money on his account. I know that you made sure he was moved to a safer location when he was being abused, because you already loved me, and by extension, him. I know that you paid every lawyer fee, and paid yours double, and talked to Doris to get him into the halfway house and then released. I know you did everything you could for him, because he truly is your son in your heart, just as Emma and Ava are my daughters. I love you so much more for that. Now, for the true purpose of this letter. My sweet, loving, caring, forgiving, big hearted, Olivia. I have to ask you for understanding and forgiveness once more. You forgave me for locking you in a bathroom and costing you the first heart, I hope you can forgive me now. I have to leave for a while my love. Yesterday I was asked to make an impossible choice. I was asked to choose between two of the four people I love most in this world. You and our children are my heart, losing one of you would be like losing a part of myself. I can't do that. I have to figure this out. My son asked me to walk away from you, if I don't, he will walk away from me. I can't allow that. He is my son. No matter the things he's done, or how pig headed he is acting right now, he is still my son. And you, you are still the love of my life. I could no more walk away from you then I could him. That's why I am choosing to walk away from you both. Not forever, just for a little while. I have to find a way to bring peace to our family. To make Rafe understand. The problem is, I can't do that when I don't understand myself. Yes, I have made peace between loving you and my religion. I have spoken to God a million times over and I know you are the person he has chosen for me. However, that doesn't make it any easier to understand. God is love, I know that, and what we have is the truest love I have ever known, but the church, the doctrine I have always believed in, says this is not right, that it's unnatural. I don't believe that, but I also don't understand all of this. I have to get a real understanding of this for myself so that I can help Rafe understand and bring our family together. You said I couldn't lose my son or we wouldn't make it, you were right. When he said if I stayed with you that he would leave me for good, my heart broke into a million pieces. For two reasons, first because I couldn't fathom a world where my son was not in my life, and second because I couldn't imagine my life without you, and I had to choose. I refuse to do that. I will not lose you, and I will not lose him. I love you Olivia, with all that I have and all that I am. Please understand my leaving. Please understand that I have to fix this, I have to make this right. I will return to you my love, I promise. I don't know how long I will be gone. I can't return until I have a solution. Please keep my love with you always. Let it wrap around you like a blanket to keep you warm in my absence. Tell Emma I love her with all my heart. Make sure she understands that I did not leave her, just as I did not leave you. Please my love, don't think I am everyone from your past that left you. I am not. I am leaving because if I don't you will. I know you. If I would have told you about Rafe, you would have left. You would have walked away from me so I didn't lose him. I couldn't allow that. I couldn't lose you. When you feel lost and lonely, reread this letter. Remember I am coming back. Remember that I would never leave you. Remember my love for you. Think of my return. Think of how wonderful our life will be when I come back and fix things with Rafe. Think of our wedding day. Picture me walking down the aisle to you. That my love, that day, the day I can't wait to live with you, that is why I'm leaving. Our wedding day will be the happiest day of my life, aside from the day Rafe was born. I love you. I love you so much. I know you will watch over Rafe while I'm gone. He will be upset and bitter, but you won't care. You will be what you've always been, his mother. You will love him from afar and keep him safe, like you always have. I love you for that. Give Emma extra hugs and kisses for me. Tell her every day that I love her and that I will be home as soon as I can. Oh, and dear, send the laundry to the Beacon, we don't want all the whites to be pink. I hope you can forgive me for this and will be here when I return. I love you my sweet, forever.

Always yours,

Natalia

Rafe had tears running down his cheeks as he finished the letter. Part of him hating himself for what he said to his mother. For making her leave. However, as usual, Rafe let his anger take control. He let his bitterness for Olivia override the truth. He convinced himself that Olivia is why she left. If she didn't think Olivia would leave her she would have stayed. It was Olivia's fault. If Olivia hadn't taken his father from her, if Olivia didn't have his father's heart, if Olivia had left his mother alone, she would be here, in this house, with him. He quickly wiped the tears from his face, shoved the letter in his pocket, ran down the stairs, and out of the house. Never looking back, just running. Running from the house that should have been his. Running from the family his mother had made that he didn't want. Running from the truth. Knowing that his actions are why his mother left but refusing to take ownership. Instead, once again, he placed the blame on Olivia. Man eating bitch on wheels of Springfield.

Olivia left Emma with her father. Allowing her to stay the night with him, as long as he stayed at the Beacon instead of the Mansion. She drove on auto pilot to the farmhouse, her home, with Natalia. As Rafe had, she noticed Natalia's car in the driveway as she parked beside it. Her heart filled with hope. Hope that her love would be waiting for her. Finding the door unlocked made her hope grow. Natalia had a bad habit of leaving the door unlocked. She walked into a dark house, just as Rafe had. And, just like Rafe, she went straight to the kitchen, finding it empty. Her stomach fell. Something told her she wouldn't find her fiancé in the house, but she had to try. She took the steps two at a time as she made her way to their bedroom. Barging through the door she had hoped to find Natalia in their bed, but all she found was emptiness. Her heart shattered in that moment. With tears leaking from her eyes, she checked the master bathroom, only to find it empty. Opening the closet, she noticed Natalia's suitcase was gone, along with some of her clothes. Her worst fears were realized, Natalia had left her, just like everyone else had.

She curled up on Natalia's side of the bed, clinging to the pillow that still held her scent and allowed herself to weep. Once she cried herself out, she looked around again, took in every picture of them and their family, memories flooding her brain. Images of all the time they had spent together flashing before her eyes. The day they moved in, making cookies with Emma, Christmas, New year's, movie nights cuddled on the couch, the first night they made love. Every memory causing her heart to ache a little more. She couldn't stay here. Everywhere she looked she saw Natalia. Not even really realizing what she was doing, she packed a bag for herself and for Emma, took one last longing look at the bed she shared with the woman she loved, trudged down the steps, locked the door, and drove to the Beacon. Leaving behind her home. She left her heart in that house, she wished she really could take her heart out, stop the pain. She had felt loss before, but never of this magnitude. She felt like she couldn't even breathe. Like a part of her had actually died.

Olivia sat on the couch in her suite at the Beacon, her eyes bloodshot from too many tears and no sleep. Finally, she sat forward, calling for her daughter. "Emma, it's time to get up."

Emma walked in, rubbing sleep form her eyes. Spotting her decorations removed from their spots, piled on the ottoman in front of her mother, she whined. "My decorations."

"Sweetie, fourth of July is over, okay."

"Why didn't Natalia come to the party?"

"I don't know."

"She said she was coming."

"Sweetie um, if she said she was coming, then something must of um happened, for her to miss it."

"Like what?"

A knock at the door saved her from having to answer a question she herself was asking. "That's Jane, go get dressed okay." Slipping on her shoes her answered the door. "Hi."

"Good morning." The young girl replied.

"Can you stay late?"

"Yeah, is something wrong?"

"I just don't want Emma to worry about anything. Just um, I'll call you. Okay?"

Walking out of the hotel, Olivia called Natalia, once again getting only her voice mail. "Hey uh Natalia. It's me. I got your message, from Blake, and I, I was gonna call you like a million times last night, I was just afraid of what would come out of my mouth. We should talk you know; we should talk. Cause whatever's going on, we'll work it out. You just, you have to pick up your phone though right. It's not fair for you not to talk to me, so, call me back." With a heavy heart she hung up the phone and drove to the farmhouse once again.

This time when she arrived, she refused to go in, instead just knocked, yelling for Natalia, looking in the window for any sign that was different then what she found last night. She couldn't bring herself to go inside to feel the emptiness of her home again. Pacing the porch, she finally stopped and spoke to no one really. "Where are you?" Is all that came out of her mouth before she called her love once again.

Again, voicemail is all she got. "Hey Natalia, it's me, um, I'm at the house and your car is here but you're not answering the door, so either you're ignoring me, which I don't understand, or you're gone and I'm worried. I refuse to go in there and look for you, I did that last night and the emptiness of our home was too much so could you just call me, so I don't worry, just…" she hung up and left.

Olivia drove to the Springfield PD to file for a missing person. She knew it hadn't been long enough, but it was all she could do at this moment in time. Walking in an officer greeted her. "Hi, can I help you?"

"I need to file for a missing person."

Sitting down with her, the officer started the paperwork. "What is your relationship to the missing person?"

"What difference does it make? She's missing. But if you must know, she's my fiancé."

Frank came in while Olivia was talking. "I uh, I got this Mark."

"So uh, what's going in here? Emma run away again?"

"No uh, it's Natalia. She was supposed to meet me at the barbecue and she never showed."

"Well, uh, that doesn't really qualify as a missing person. Did you two have a fight?"

"No. No. No. just the opposite. We weren't just going to the barbecue, we were gonna tell everyone, about us."

"Oh. Got it. Maybe there's your answer then, maybe she got cold feet."

"No Frank. She would have told me okay. We planned this together. I wasn't pushing her, she knows that whatever she's feeling, she can be honest with me." Frank just starred at her. "What Frank?"

"No."

"No Frank, you tell we what."

"No, you know what, I thought Natalia was honest too, but uh, she's not the person we all thought she was. But I guess this isn't the same thing."

"No, it's not the same thing Frank. She had one dinner with you Frank, and she told you she didn't want more. She didn't just disappear on you. It's been almost twenty-four hours, no messages, and our house is sitting empty, her car is in the driveway, that's not like her."

"Well, I can't officially file a missing person's report until a full days gone by, but um, I can certainly put the word out there, okay. Let's see what turns up."

"Great, thank you. It's not the same Frank. It's not the same." She stood and left before Frank could see the first tear fall.

Anger building in her, she went to the next place she could think of. The church. Franticly she looked around the church and found it empty. As she exited, Father Ray was coming up the steps. "Olivia."

"Ray, Father, I'm looking for Natalia. Have you seen her?"

"She's not here."

"Okay."

"Olivia she was here yesterday."

"Was she okay?"

"No, she wasn't. She was really upset."

"What did she say?" He released a breath. "Father I know you can't tell me everything, I just. Was she okay? Was she hurt? If you could just tell me where she is I wanna see her."

Ray brought his hands to her arms. "Natalia asked me not to tell you that." He turned and walked down the stairs with Olivia following after him.

"Wait, Natalia asked you not to tell me where she is? No, I don't believe that. Why would she confide in you and not tell me?"

"Olivia I can't betray that confidence. I can tell you she's conflicted."

"About me?"

"About a lot of things. I suggested a retreat where she should go reflect."

"So, she just took off and didn't tell me anything?"

"I am so sorry."

"Father don't be sorry. Just tell me where she is."

"Olivia, when someone goes on retreat, they're looking for answers. Unfortunately, outside visitors are not allowed."

"For how long?"

"Until she sorts things out. I'm sorry."

"No." Was all she could utter as she walked away.

Sitting in her car she called one of few people she thought would help her. "Phillip it's me."

"Hi, is Emma okay?"

"She's fine. Phillip it's me. I need help."

"What's wrong?"

"I'm at the church, I don't think that I can drive."

"Okay. I'll be right there."

Hanging up, she got out and sat on a rock kicking the ground. Feeling nothing but despair. Phillip found her sitting there with her head hung. "Hey."

"Hey."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. No. Uh, Natalia left."

"Oh."

"I can't find her, anywhere."

"Um, do you want me to help you find her?"

"I just, I wanna talk to her cause I don't know, whatever this is, we can fix it."

"Call her."

"I did. She's not answering her phone, and Father Ray said she's on some church retreat. And she's not coming back until she sorts things out."

"Well, what do you wanna do now?"

"I can't drive. Can you take me home, to the Beacon?" she sobbed out.

"Sure." He helped her stand, wrapping an arm around her waist to steady her. They walked to her car and he drove her to the Beacon.

After she had calmed, Olivia felt the need to be as close to Natalia as she could. She dragged herself back to her car and drove to the farmhouse. Still unable to go inside she sat on the bench out front and wrote a letter for her love, only to rip it out and throw the notebook at the front door. She stumbled and sat on the front step sobbing until all her tears were gone.

Before she left, she kissed her fingers and placed them on the door. Sending a kiss to her lover. This kiss was one of the deepest sorrow Olivia Spencer had ever felt.