Chapter 43
Three days after Natalia left, once Olivia pulled herself together and got over the shock, she decided to do what she does best, take action. She called Doris and formed a plan. They were going to go to every religious retreat they could find until they found her fiancé and brought her home.
Standing beside her car, Olivia called her friend who should have been there by now. "Alright Doris, I don't know where you are, but we were supposed to be on the road thirty minutes ago looking for Natalia. So, if you can't make it could you just…" She trailed off when she heard wheels rolling over pavement. She turned towards the sound and there was Doris, pulling her suitcase behind her. "What?"
"Sorry, sorry I'm late. I had to stop at the store for a few snacks." Olivia looked at her with almost disgust as she loaded two pillows into the trunk. "What? I like to be comfortable." Olivia pulled bug spray from the grocery bag. "What? I hate bugs. Really."
"While you were packing did you remember to get the list?"
"Yup, I did. Every retreat and catholic monastery from here to Chicago. It's a long list." She answered. Pulling the list from the bag in her hand.
"Alright. Fine. We need to get started before Natalia becomes a nun and ships off to Africa."
"Look, she's not gonna become a nun. She loves you too much for that. She is probably just somewhere reflecting, or fasting, or having a vision or something. That's what religious people do." She handed Olivia her suitcase. "Here you go."
"I'll get that." Olivia responded sarcastically.
"Okay great, thanks." Doris shot back.
Sitting in the car parked after stopping at a few retreats and being turned away, Doris tried to be cheery. "Oh look, we're gonna go right through Oakdale. You know they have a great diner there. I ate a burger there, it was delicious, I got grease all over the car."
"Are we taking highway nine or twenty-two?"
"Um nine. It goes right by the school."
"Alright."
"You know, Oakdale is a really cool town. I think maybe I'll move there when my term is up and I'll run for mayor."
"You know what, I am so glad that my life crisis is helping you sort out your next career move."
"I'm just trying to get your mind off of things."
"Well, you can't. I need to figure out what I'm gonna say to her."
"How can you do that? You don't even know why she left."
"It doesn't matter why she left. I mean, I just have to remind her that we aren't running from these things. We never have. We're a team. We're getting married. Whatever problems there are, we'll deal with them, together."
"Together."
"Together."
"It's just that you two, you've been through so much and she didn't run. So why now? What happened all of the sudden that she had to leave?"
"I don't know. But whatever it is, we'll deal with it. I'll wait if I have to. I just want to be with her."
"Wow. I've never had a relationship like that. I mean, I've been loved, but not that way. I mean the way you feel about Natalia, you'd do anything for her."
"Yeah, I would do anything for her. She is the most important person in my life, I mean, besides my daughters."
Doris just looked at her for a moment. "Have you ever been religious?"
"Not particularly."
"Me neither. But, you know, I am kind of thinking that maybe Natalia feels about her religion the way that you and I feel about our daughters."
"So, what are you saying? That you think the pull is too strong? That she can't have both things in her life?"
"I'm not saying that at all. I'm merely ruminating."
"No. No. We've done this. We know that she can have both things. She has, for the last seven months. We're good together. She's just forgotten, so I need to find her and I need to remind her and then we'll all go home."
"God can be very powerful."
"Well, no offence but, so can I."
Getting back in the car after another turn down, Doris turned to Olivia. "What happened? You struck out?"
"It's a retreat for nuns."
"Huh. Well Natalia could pass." Olivia gave her a glare that told her now is not the time for jokes. "Okay. Next stop uh, St. Andrews."
After a bit of a drive, they arrived at another church and another nun stood in front of Olivia. "I just need to see my friend. To talk. It's important. Her name is Natalia, she has long dark hair. She's got a beautiful face. Is she here?"
"Our retreats are based on confidentially."
"I understand but this is a family emergency."
"I'm sorry."
"Look, what if I told you that she's in pain, that she's suffering, and that God himself sent me here to alleviate that pain. To show her because it's true."
"My child, I've seen many angels and you are not one of them."
In that moment, Olivia snapped. "I don't believe this." She took off running back to where her car was parked. She got in and ran her fingers through her hair sighing.
Doris took in her appearance; she could tell Olivia was on the edge of losing whatever control she had left. "You ready to go?"
"No, no, because I'm gonna be barred from the next place, just like the last one and the one before that." She looked out the window, completely frustrated and feeling lost.
"What are you gonna do?"
Olivia turned, a look of pure determination. "Watch me." She got out of the car and ran back towards the door to the retreat.
Doris got out calling after her. "Olivia."
Olivia reached the door and was stopped by a nun. "I want to go in and see her."
"Stop right there."
Olivia ran to the yard and looked up to the windows, taking a hale marry chance that Natalia was there and would hear her. "Natalia! Natalia! I know you can hear me. Even if you're not here I know you can. Because I love you and you love me, and when two people love each other like this they shouldn't be kept apart. And it's confusing and it's not easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. So, you come down here and you let me talk to you. You let me make you understand." She fell to her knees. Screaming until her voice was horse. "NATALIA!"
Doris stood in awe. Watching as her friend, the strongest woman she had ever kknown, broke. She had never seen someone as broken as Olivia was in this moment. She could tell that a piece of her friend had literally just died. She feared for where Olivia would go from here, but she knew she would stand by her. A love as true as Olivia and Natalia's was something worth fighting for. It gave Doris hope.
Once Olivia had collapsed to the ground, Doris got Olivia up and they made their way back to the car as the rain started. Doris got in beside her. "Alright, next stop is Mother of Mercy. Now we can get there one of two ways. We can continue on this down highway nine, or we can take this little access road over here and we can get the freeway. Which way do you wanna go?"
"West."
"West? That's like totally in the wrong direction."
"I wanna go home."
"Why?"
"Because I'm not a fool. I just stood out there bellowing to the heavens like some Tennessee Williams play. I mean, what the hell."
"What are you gonna do? You're just gonna give up? You're not gonna try to fight?"
"She doesn't want to be found."
"But what if…"
"I don't wanna be pathetic. She pushed me away. I'm going home." She put the car in drive and headed home in silence.
A few days later, Olivia was standing by a tree at Bill and Lizzie's wedding when Rafe came up behind her. "You here to break up this wedding. You already had the groom. Now you can have the bride too. Replace my mom after you drove her away. Get lucky." Olivia just took the abuse and watched him walk away. She knew he was right. She had driven Natalia away. She wasn't sure how, but she was good at driving people away.
Olivia sat to the side, smiling a sad smile while Emma walked down as a flower girl. She was trying to be strong for her little girl, but every single part of her ached. She wasn't sure she was going to survive this. For the first time in her life, Olivia Spencer felt completely defeated. As she watched, her heart broke a little more. She was so excited thinking about marrying Natalia. For the first time, after five marriages, she was going to marry for the right reason. She was going to bind herself with Natalia for love. No other reason's, no manipulations, no other motives, just simply love, and now it was gone. Slipped through her fingers. As she thought about this, the walls around her heart that Natalia had worked so hard to break down, went back up. Built up higher and stronger. She knew no one else would ever break through to her heart again. Love for her was over. Never to return again. Without Natalia, she didn't want love.
After the ceremony, Olivia sat in a chair away from the crowd. Emma came and found her. "Hey baby, we have to get going soon."
"I don't wanna. I want to see them cut the cake and Rain said if you put a piece of cake under your pillow, you'll dream about who you're gonna marry."
"Oh. Okay. Well maybe one more dance with Ashley and Daisy, go do that. Okay."
Emma ran off and Phillip sat in the empty chair next to Olivia. "Emma was great."
"She's having a wonderful time."
"Good. How 'bout her mom?"
"If I uh, if I leave early, could you bring her home?"
"Sure, that uh alone is a good thing right now?"
"I think it's better than being here."
"Okay. Sure. I'll take care of Emma." Olivia gave a small sad smile and walked away. She couldn't handle any more today.
Natalia sat in a small room, with nothing but white walls and crosses. Sitting on her twin-size bed, she leaned against the wall, pulling her knees to her chest, she wrapped her arms around them, laying her head down, she sobbed. Every fiber in her being was telling her leave, to run back to Olivia. They could work this out together, like they did everything else. But she knew she had to stay. It had been five days and she was still just as lost as when she left. Olivia couldn't help her with this. She needed to find herself again. Find her center. Find the woman that worked two and three jobs to provide for her son. Find the woman Olivia needed her to be, the woman Olivia deserved. Drying her eyes, she pulled out a notepad and began to write. She had decided that she was going to write a letter to Olivia once a week. Hopefully be able to sort some things out through her writing and assure Olivia that this was not the end. She couldn't have visitors or a phone here, but she could write letters. It was all she had to keep some sort of contact with Olivia. To keep her love from giving up.
Querida, Mi amor,
Today is my fifth day here. Sleeping has not come easy. I find it hard to sleep without the safety of your arms. I have cried more then I even thought possible. I miss you terribly. All I want to do is return home to you. Wrap my arms around you and never let go. But I can't. I came here to sort everything out. To figure out a solution for our family. Thus far, I have figured out nothing. I am still as lost and confused as ever. I just want to make things okay, for us, and for Rafe. I feel a little closer to God again, however, I feel almost further from myself. You helped to open me up, made me see that I am more than I ever thought I could be. I thank you for that. In doing so you made me so much braver then I ever was. I wish I could be brave now, but I don't know what that would mean. A part of me just wants to come home and tell Rafe that he is a man and has to make his own choices. That it's okay if he feels he can't be a part of our family, but I know that's wrong. He is such a part of me. Giving him up would mean giving up a part of myself, and I can't do that. I wouldn't be the woman you love if I did. We wouldn't survive. I have to keep reminding myself that, that is why I'm here. I know this must be so hard on you. I know that because it's killing me. Being away from you is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but please believe me when I say, I am doing this for us. I will come back stronger, and with a solution. Te amo mi amor.
Yours always,
Natalia
Folding the letter. Natalia placed it in the envelope and kissed the back. This kiss was a prayer for her lover to understand and wait for her. This kiss was for guidance and the answers that she was seeking to find.