Chapter 44

The sixth day that Natalia was gone, Olivia moved herself and Emma officially back to the Beacon. She couldn't stand to be in the farmhouse. Everywhere she looked she saw Natalia. Emma had only visited twice. The little girl missed the woman that she thought of as her second mommy. She didn't understand why she had left them. As they unpacked the last of Emma's boxes in her room at the Beacon, she turned to her mother. "Mommy?"

"Yes Jellybean?"

"Why did Natalia leave us? You said she had to go away and think, but why isn't she back yet? And what did she have to think about?"

Olivia sat on the bed and brought her daughter into her lap. "I don't know Jellybean. I wish I did."

"Does she not love us anymore?"

"Oh baby, she loves you, she loves you so much, don't ever doubt that."

"But not you?"

"She loves me baby. I know she does."

"Then why did she leave?"

"She just had some things to work out."

"When is she coming back?"

"I don't know, but I do know that she is probably sitting somewhere thinking about you right now. Natalia loves you so much. I bet she's wishing she was here with you."

"No, she isn't, if she was she would be here. She wouldn't have left." Emma jumped from her mother's lap and ran to the living room, sobbing into the couch.

Olivia just sat on the bed, her heart breaking even more. She wanted to go and comfort her daughter, but she didn't know how. She had all of the questions her daughter had and none of the answers.

Since Olivia moved out, Rafe had started to stop by the house. He wanted to make sure everything was okay. He checked the mail on his way out every day. On the eighth day of his mother's absence, he found a letter addressed to Olivia. He opened it and read it. Anger building in him once more. His mother could only seem to talk about her love for Olivia. She thought about walking away from him, all for Olivia. He knew though, this retreat was just what his mother needed. It would make her see the error of her ways. She would never be with Olivia again. He would have his mother back when she returned. He decided that he would find out what time the mail ran and make sure to be there every day. He wanted to make sure Olivia never received a single letter from his mom. He needed Olivia to think his mother had just left her. He needed her give up completely. With that thought in mind, he tucked the letter into his pocket and headed back to Franks to add it to the other one his mother had left.

Olivia and Emma were getting her things together for camp. Olivia was finishing loading her backpack. "What else Em?"

"My permission slip."

"Why?"

"You didn't sign it."

Olivia quickly signed the paper. "Okay. Anything else? You taking this?" She held up a stuffed animal.

"My lunch."

"You need a lunch? You didn't tell me you need a lunch."

"Yes I did."

"You should of reminded me. I'm dealing with a lot right now." She snapped at her daughter.

Emma just looked down with a stricken look on her face. The two finished getting everything ready and before they left Olivia stopped her daughter and knelt down in front of her. "Before, when I snapped at you, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."

"It's okay." Emma replied with her normal cheery disposition.

"No, it's not okay."

"I know. I miss Natalia too."

"You have fun at camp okay."

Emma nodded. "We're learning about college and good reasons to go."

"Good reasons to go. Well listen to Shayla and you have fun today. Let's go find Danielle and Melissa."

Emma opened the door. "I see them. Bye mom."

"Bye." Before she could get the word out Emma was already out the door. Olivia closed the door and sat on the edge of her bed. Picking up the photo of the three of them on New Year's, she hugged it tight to her chest. Laying back on the bed she cried herself to sleep until she was awoken by the sound of her phone ringing. Rolling over she answered it quickly. "Natalia?"

"Olivia it's Josh."

"Hi. Josh, I'm sorry."

"No actually I'm sorry to have to give you this news over the phone."

"What?"

"I'm in North Carolina with Reva right now."

"Jeffery?"

"They found the wreckage of a small plane. There was a body inside. I'm sorry Olivia. He's gone."

Olivia began to weep. He eldest daughter was now without a father. "Oh god."

"I was gonna call Ava but…"

"No, I'll call her. How's Reva?"

"Reva's um, well she's all the things you'd imagine her to be."

"Tell her I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"Yeah. I'll do that. I'll see you when we get home."

Olivia hung up the phone and attempted to stop her tears and calm her breathing. After getting herself composed she went for a walk, running into Dinah and Shane. The three went to Company for a beer. Meeting up with Mallet, Mariana, and Lillian. Once they were finished drinking to Jeffery's memory, Olivia found herself at the farmhouse. She sat on the porch bench, the one she had spent so many nights with Natalia on. Steeling her nerves, she called her eldest daughter.

"Hey Ava baby, it's me…yeah it's good to hear your voice too…Yeah, um, baby I have some bad news, about your dad…"

She told her daughter the news of her father and listened to her cry. Once arrangements were made for Ava to fly in, she hung up and poured herself another glass of white wine. Raising her glass in the air, she said her own toast to him. "To you Jeffery, wherever you are, I'll miss you." She downed the glass as her phone rang. Answering it she brought it to her ear. "Hello…oh god, oh god, oh god. I lost track of time. Can someone stay with Emma until I get there?.. Uh, yeah, I'm on my way…yeah okay." In her drunken state, she tripped and knocked over the wine glass breaking it.

She arrived to pick up Emma still fairly drunk. "Hi baby, I'm sorry, sorry."

"I knew you'd make it."

"Sorry. I got caught up at work, I'm so sorry it won't happen again." She looked at Christina who had been staying with her. "Thanks for taking care of her."

"Oh, it's no problem. Emma and I had a very nice chat. Didn't we?"

Emma smiled at her. "Well Christina told me um, to study about doctors."

"That's a great idea. Yeah."

Christina could tell that Olivia was drunk and didn't want Emma getting in the car with her, but also didn't want to alarm the girl. "Olivia you're looking tired, are you okay?"

"Yeah, it's been a difficult week."

"Well, I don't have any plans, and I was wondering, if I could borrow miss Emma. You know I'm in the mood for some ice cream, I thought she might like some."

Olivia looked down at her daughter. "Would you like that?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. You go then."

Christina looked to Olivia. "How are you gonna get home Olivia?" Her tone telling Olivia driving was not an option.

"Maybe I'll walk."

"That's a good idea. Um, I'll call you when were on our way home."

"Thank you."

"Take care of yourself." Christina ran her hand through Emma's ponytail. "Hey Emma, why don't you go meet me by the swings." Emma nodded and ran off. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. What's going on?"

"Just we live in an unfair, unjust world, where crazy, psychos get to run around free and deprive good kids like my daughter Ava of their father."

"Yeah I heard about Jeffery. I'm sorry."

"He died in a plane crash trying to do something decent, and Edmond's probably sitting by the Rivera drinking a gin and tonic and laughing. And the only person that would really make me feel better is gone. Thanks for taking care of Emma." She turned and walked away.

Feeling even worse after almost driving drunk with Emma, Olivia made her way to Farley's, finding Josh with his head on his arms at the bar. "Well, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one drinking in the middle of the day."

He lifted his head but didn't look at her. "Well sometimes the day just calls for it."

"You got that right my friend."

Josh moved to sit next to Olivia at the end of the bar. "Actually um, I could use a friend right now."

"Me too. They're dropping like flies." Realizing what she had just said she began to stutter.

"That's okay don't worry about it. Here's what I think uh, you've had the same kind of day that I've had, somehow the universe has conspired to put us together to cheer each other up."

"I don't think I'm capable of cheering anybody up right now."

"I think you could cheer me up." He flirted.

"Uh, I can't."

"I'm not talking about that. Don't flatter yourself. See, here's the deal, I hope you have a lot of cash right now, cause I'm gonna take you over to that pool table, and I'm gonna kick your butt. How does that sound hmm? We'll just turn our brains off for a few minutes."

"Yeah I could stand to forget who I am for a little while."

"And I could stand to be around someone who's not gonna throw things at me so, let's get it on." The two walked to a table close to the pool tables. "So, how's Ava?"

"She's upset. But honestly she's handling the news better than I am. I think both my girls are stronger than I am."

"Well, they get their strength from you."

"All this news about Jeffery, this tragedy, I just, I always thought he had a spare life or two you know in case he wanted to bail out on this one. I keep expecting him to show up and say surprise."

"He did seem invincible didn't he?"

"Why aren't you with Reva?"

"Who?"

"Reva."

"Yes, well, she needs to be alone right now, she's mourning her husband and I think my presence reminds her that I'm alive and he's gone."

"Doesn't she know how lucky she is to have you looking out for her?"

"I'm not blaming her for anything right now."

"Okay. It's just, you're not showing up with casseroles trying to get her in the sack or anything." She responded, taking another swig from her beer.

"That's true. I just feel like she needs her space. I need to know when to be there and when to back off."

"You know I uh, I wish I could tell you that, I'm just afraid that if I actually step back then it's all really gonna be over."

Josh contemplated her face. Something told him this wasn't about Jeffery. "Are you okay? And by the way where's Emma right now?"

"Emma, Emma is with Christina. You know, Remy's wife. She saw that I wasn't in the best shape so she offered to take Emma for a little bit. Didn't want me driving around with my kid in the car. Didn't want me driving around."

"Well, you listened, that's a good thing."

"You know, I make mistakes on a daily basis, but I never show up drunk to pick up my kid. I don't know, I'm just a mess. But I guess, everything just feels wrong when the person you love is gone. Right?" She started to cry, taking another drink to stop the tears.

"Hey. It's okay."

"Right?"

"It's okay."

"Right? I'm right, right?"

"Yes, you're right."

After a few more rounds and a game of pool, the two exited the bar. Olivia spun to face him. "I'm sorry. You always come along when I'm in such bad shape."

"Don't be sorry. You're gonna be okay."

"I'm drinking alone you know. I drank so much that some nice person that I barely even know has my kid because I was too drunk to drive. And did I go get a cup of coffee and sober up? No."

"No, no. You ended up shooting some pool with your amazingly handsome ex-husband. One of them at least. Probably the most handsome of the bunch."

"He is."

"I would say."

"I wish I could laugh about this."

"I'm sorry. I feel like I was a bad influence."

She pulled him close by his shirt shaking her head. "You're great. You've always been great. Keep me out of trouble." She hugged him and the two went back to the Beacon where they were both staying.

Arriving at her door, Olivia opened it and Josh leaned against the door jam. "You sure you're gonna be okay?"

"I need a shower."

"Me too." He flirted.

"That wasn't an invitation."

"I know."

"Yeah."

"I'm just a very visual guy and I have seen you naked…" She covered his mouth with her hand to stop the train of thought he was on. Both of them laughing.

"Thank you for trying to cheer me up. I promise next time I'll be good company."

"I'm gonna hold you to that." He replied. Then kissed her forehead. "You take care of yourself alright."

"Yeah."

"Okay."

Stepping all the way into her room Olivia shut the door and headed for a shower before Emma got back. On her way she got sidetracked by the photo of she, Natalia, and Emma again. Picking it up she traced Natalia's face with her finger before finally making it to the bathroom.

While she was in the bathroom, Blake happened by. Seeing the door open Blake stepped inside. "Olivia the door was wide open, I'm just gonna come in. Are you here?"

From the bathroom Olivia shouted drunkenly. "Come on in."

Blake opened the bathroom door to see Olivia sitting on the floor eating chips with the water running in the shower. Olivia looked up at her. "Oh hey, you want some?" She held the chips out towards Blake.

"Oh."

"They're good. They're really good." Blake sat on the floor across from her and took a chip. "See what I'm saying?"

"What's up?"

"Christina saw that I was drinking, so she took Emma for the day. I can't even hide what a mess I am from my own kid." Blake just looked at her with sorrow written on her face. "You think Natalia's gonna come back?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you have to know something. You were the last person who saw her."

"You're here. Rafe's here."

"Was it me? Did I do something to make her run away like that?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, when she told you about us, did she say anything, I mean come on."

Blake couldn't betray Natalia's confidence so instead she changed the subject. "Do you mind if I turn off the water?"

"I don't feel like taking a shower anyways."

Blake stood to turn off the water and Olivia went to sit at the end of the bed. Blake came out with the water still running and sat next to Olivia.

"I thought you were gonna turn off the water."

"Uh, change of plans. Here give me the chips." She grabbed the chips from Olivia. "Come on honey."

"What? No."

"I'm gonna put you in the shower. You need to get in there because you need to figure out what you want your life to be."

"I know what I want my life to be, Natalia is my life and she's gone."

"Well, I gotta tell you something…" She reached for Olivia's bracelet. "Let's take this off. Because she's not here anymore, at least for now. She's doing whatever she needs to do, and you're gonna have to live with that, and you need to figure out what you need to do."

"I don't know what I need to do."

"Go back to your roots, that's gonna tell you everything, okay. Just go. Take a hot shower, relax. It's gonna look so much better afterwards, and so are you. Come on, go, go, go." She shoved Olivia into the bathroom and closed the door.

Natalia sat in the courtyard leaning against a tree soaking up the sun. She was thinking about the meetings she has been having with sister Cathy. Mostly they had been covering her relationship with Olivia. Starting at the beginning. She was feeling more comfortable with the fact that she had stayed with Olivia, stood by her when her son and Father Ray were telling her she shouldn't, but they hadn't really talked much about Rafe, and that's where the true problem lied. She wasn't unsure of her feelings for Olivia, or of God's approval of their relationship, she was worried that giving up her son would be a great sin. As she sat and thought, Father Neal approached and sat beside her.

"Hello Natalia. How are you on this beautiful day?"

Natalia gave a sad smile. "I'm okay Father. How are you?"

"I am well my child. It would appear something is troubling you. Would you like to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure. I don't know what to say."

"Well, you came here to sort things out. Did you not?"

"Yes."

"Then I would think you should talk about why you are here."

Natalia let out a long breath. "I'm having trouble with my son." He sat quietly and waited for her to continue. She turned and faced him head on, looking him in the eyes. Rafe's problem was the fact that Olivia was a woman, well that and the fact that she was Olivia Spencer, so she thought she should get the father's opinion of same sex relationships before she moved on to the real issue. "Is love ever wrong?"

"Well, that depends. There are instances where it is. Say if you are romantically seeking an already married person, or a child, but love between two consenting, single, adults, no. That's never wrong."

"Even if it's between two women?"

"Ahh. So, you love a woman?"

"Yes. Very much."

"And your son doesn't approve."

"He thinks it's wrong. That it's a sin."

"Are you conflicted on this matter?"

"No. I know God sent Olivia to me. She is the love of my life; I know God wouldn't give me this gift if I was supposed to deny it."

"Good. I'm glad you know that. The bible teaches us many things, but above all, it teaches us to love. I don't believe love is ever wrong, no matter the gender."

"But what about the church?"

He tilted his head back and forth. "Sometimes the world changes and it takes the church some time to catch up."

"So, you don't think God is punishing me for loving a woman? Making me choose between her and my son."

"God does not punish us for our sins, he forgives. But I do not believe you are committing a sin. As long as your love is pure of heart, then it's not a sin. Why does your son think it's such a sin Natalia?"

"Because of the church. Because the bible teaches us that it's wrong. I brought him up in the church, taught him to believe in God's teachings, he feels I'm turning my back on my beliefs."

"The bible contradicts itself quite a bit on this matter. How old is your son Natalia?"

"Eighteen."

"So not so much a child anymore."

"I guess not."

"Sometimes, we have to let our children go. Let them fly solo in this world for a while, so they can form their own opinions. Make their own judgements."

"But to turn my back on my son would be a sin Father."

"You are looking at this the wrong way. You are not turning your back on him Natalia. You are merely giving him the space he needs to grow, to thrive. You should not deny yourself love and happiness. All children must leave the nest eventually Natalia. Figure out their own beliefs. Find their own way. Think about it." With that, he stood and left her to her thoughts.

Natalia watched him walk away. Thinking about what he had said. She knew on some level that he was right. Rafe was no longer a child, and he needed to find his own way in this world, but she still couldn't let go. Not yet. She reached into her bag and got her notepad to write to Olivia.

My Sweet Olivia,

I miss you. Sorry. It's the first thing I could think of to say. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and a lot of talking here. I'm starting to see things differently, but I'm still not there yet. There are still so many things to sort out in my brain. I don't think now is the time to tell you about them, but I wanted you to know that I think about you every minute of every day. I miss you so very much. My dreams are always about you, about our family. I miss Emma. Our little girl. I'm sure she is so confused by all of this. I'm sorry you have to deal with it alone. We have a strong little girl Olivia, you raised her well. Please tell her how much I love her, how much I miss her, that I am thinking about her. Don't let her think I left her or that this is her fault. I swear sometimes I can feel you. Please Olivia, take care of yourself. Take your meds, don't drink too much, do your exercises. I know, I know, I'm nagging. I feel like there are a million things to say to you yet I can't think of a single one. I guess that's because when I focus on you, you're all I can see. My mind gets clouded with thoughts of you and everything else seems to disappear. I promise I'll be home soon. I'll tell you everything and we will get our family back. It's just not time yet. I love you mi amor, more than words can express.

Yours always,

Natalia

As with the last two, Natalia placed the letter in the envelope and kissed the back. She did her best to pour every ounce of love she had for Olivia into this kiss on the back of that envelope. Praying that Olivia would continue to wait for her. That she understood why she had to leave.