Chapter 56

Once Rafe left, Olivia quickly finished work and headed up to her suite. She and Emma had planned on ordering room service and watching a movie before bed. It was Thursday, but since Emma wasn't going to camp the next day, they had no reason to be up early. Emma was going to spend the day with Phillip and Olivia had decided that even though she had no plans of going, she was going to drop Emma off at Company for Rafe's dinner. She had no intentions of telling Natalia that he might not be leaving. That was for Rafe to tell her, if in fact, he ended up staying.

As soon as their dinner arrived, they sat on the couch and Olivia ordered a movie for them. Before she could even press play, Emma grabbed the remote.

"Hey, what's up Emma? I thought you wanted to watch this."

"I do. I just have a question first."

"What is it Jellybean?"

"Well…" She looked down at the floor, afraid to make her mother angry. "Um…"

"What Em? You know you can ask me anything."

"I want to know if we are ever going to move back home, to the farmhouse?"

Olivia was a little surprised by the question. The two had talked a few times about Natalia while she was gone, and once or twice since her return, but they had never talked about the farmhouse. Emma was calling it home, she always had. Olivia's heart ached for her little girl who was going through so much and she racked her brain for an acceptable answer. But couldn't come up with anything that wasn't a direct 'no' or cause more questions she didn't have answers to.

After a moment of silence, Emma started again. "We're a family aren't we? That's what Natalia said that we would always be a family."

Olivia sighed. "Yes baby. Natalia and Rafe will always be our family."

"Then why don't we live there anymore? Families are supposed to live together."

"I know baby. This is just…it's complicated, grown-up stuff."

"So, we aren't gonna move back to the farmhouse with Natalia?"

"Not right now Em."

"But maybe one day?" She asked with a toothy grin.

Olivia was so happy to see her daughter smile, she didn't want it to ever leave her little girl's face, so she smiled back. "I guess it's possible Em. We never know what could happen, that's what makes each day so exciting. Right?"

"Yup. Can we watch the movie now?"

"Yeah. Let's do that." Olivia pressed play and the two Spencer girls settled into their dinner.

They finished dinner and Emma curled into her mommy's side. Before the movie ended she was fast asleep. Olivia carried her to her room and placed her in bed hearing a voice in the back of her mind that sounded suspiciously like Natalia telling her Emma was too heavy for her to lift, but she ignored it. She cherished these moments, tucking her baby into bed and kissing her forehead, she silently closed the door and made her way to her own room.

After finishing her nightly routine, Olivia sat on her bed, propped against the headboard. Natalia's letters spread out in front of her. She had made a deal with Rafe, he stays here, she reads the letters. Rafe agreed to stay, now Olivia had to hold up her end.

Picking up the envelope with only her name on it, she took a shuttering breath, and pulled the page from the envelope. It was well worn on the creases where it was folded. She could tell it had been folded and unfolded several times. She wonder what could possibly be written that had Rafe reading it so many times. Steeling her nerves, she finally looked down and started to read, tears flowing freely before she even finished.

Natalia had done her best to explain why she was leaving. She made sure to tell her that she loved her, that she knew they were meant to be together. Her leaving was not about Olivia, it had been completely about Rafe. About keeping both of them. As angry as she was that Natalia hadn't come to her, she knew she was right. If Natalia had come to her about Rafe, she would have left. She wouldn't have let Natalia lose him. Olivia's emotions where warring with each other. She was still upset and hurt that Natalia didn't have enough faith in her, in them, to come to her, but at the same time, Natalia knew her well enough to know how she would have reacted. It was confusing and emotionally exhausting.

As she continued to read each letter, her anger slowly dissipated. Shifting into sorrow and regret. She regretted not allowing Natalia the proper chance to explain herself when she returned. She regretted not reading them sooner. She regretted that she was still so hurt. She knew in her heart that Natalia had made the right choice. It pained her to admit that. She wanted to still be angry for the weeks of anguish she had suffered through while Natalia was gone, but she wasn't. She couldn't be. After reading all of the letters, she could no longer blame Natalia. She understood now. Natalia had done what any mother would have done, she did what she thought was best for her child. She left to gain perspective and understanding.

Olivia knew that if either of her daughters had given her the same ultimatum, she would have felt just as Natalia did. Like she was being forced to give up a part of herself, a part of her heart no matter which choice she made. She could no longer blame Natalia for leaving. It was the best option. If she had stayed, Olivia would have left her to save her from having to make such a hard choice. She would have pushed Natalia away to keep her from losing her son.

Olivia's eyes were red and burning from the tears she had cried. Her heart was aching thinking of all the wasted time. She gathered the letters and returned them to the bed side drawer. Pulling Natalia's old shirt from under her pillow, she brought it to her face, inhaling the intoxicating sent of the woman she loved. With the shirt clutched in her hands, she allowed sleep to claim her, a plan forming in her brain as sweet dreams of her Natalia began to play through her mind.

Olivia woke the following morning to an excited eight-year-old pouncing onto her bed. She quickly hid Natalia's shirt back under her pillow as she brought her daughter into her arms. "Morning Jellybean."

"Morning mommy. Is it time to go see daddy?"

"Not yet Em. Why don't you go get dressed and I'll order us up some breakfast."

"Okay." Emma bounded from the room, scurrying off to get dressed for the day.

After breakfast, Emma was making a card for her daddy when Olivia entered the room grabbing her keys. "Kay Em, let's go."

"I have to finish my card for daddy."

Olivia motioned her to the end of the bed. "Come ere, sit." The two sat on the bed. Olivia held up the container of cookies. "These cookies are going to make your daddy feel better, because you made them for him."

"And they're delicious."

"And they're delicious. But I don't want you to feel bad if they don't make your daddy not sick anymore cause…" She was cut off by her ringing phone.

Emma smiled at her. "It's Natalia?"

Olivia looked at the caller ID, seeing in fact that it was Natalia. "Huh." She pressed the answer button. "Hi." She answered with a smile.

"Hi. I was just checking up on my two favorite girls."

"We're okay. I'm about to take Em over to see Phillip."

"Oh, well, don't forget the cookies."

"They're right here."

"I'm really sorry that Phillip is sick. He's a really nice man and I know that Emma adores him."

"She just got him back and I really don't know what to do for her."

"If there's anything I can do…"

"You helped make the cookies."

"I would do anything you know. I would do anything I could, for either one of you."

Olivia struggled to keep her plan in the back of her mind so she wouldn't say anything to give it away. "You just take care of yourself okay. You've got Rafe's dinner today."

"Yeah."

"Everything's gonna be fine Natalia."

"Thank you."

"I should really get her over there. So, bye." She ended the call, taking a deep breath. She wanted to tell Natalia she was willing to talk to her, but now wasn't the time. She shook her head and looked at Emma. "Okay Em, grab the cookies and lets skedaddle."

The two Spencer's arrived at the manner and Emma went straight to her daddy, handing him the cookies. "Daddy, I made you some cookies, they'll make you feel better."

Phillip knelt down in front of her. "Oh, honey." He hugged her. "I feel better just seeing your pretty face. Thank you."

"Hey Em, why don't you take the cookies, and go ask cook for some milk and a plate. How's that?" Olivia offered, earning a few minutes to talk to Phillip.

Emma walked off towards the kitchen as Phillip stood in front of Olivia. Olivia stuffed her hands in her pockets and looked into his face. "She made those for you because she thinks that they'll heal you. That it will prevent you from actually dying. And I think we need to make her understand without giving her false hope."

Phillip rocked on his heels. "I'll tell her that they're delicious. I won't be able to make it unless I get some special medicine that hasn't been invented yet. Does that make any sense?"

"Yeah. This is so unfair."

"Yeah. It is."

As Emma came back, they moved to sit on the couch. "Ooo. Wow, look at you. Give that to daddy." Olivia said as Emma carried the plate of cookies and glass of milk to the coffee table.

"Can I go upstairs and play with Payton?"

"Sure. Why don't you take her a cookie." Olivia answered. Once Emma was out of ear shot, Olivia turned to Phillip. "So, when do you have to check into the hospital."

"I'm not checking into the hospital."

"You're not, you gonna, die in your own bed? Is that it?"

"Something like that. I don't know maybe over there." He pointed to a chair across from them. "I've always loved that chair." Phillip joked. Trying to make light of the situation.

Olivia saw it for what it was, Phillip was scared. He didn't want to die. So, she joked back. "You'd look good in that chair." He chuckled. "I really hate this you know."

"What? The dead guy humor?"

"Yeah. The dead guy humor. And the fact that you're actually…"

"The dead guy."

"Stop it. There's nothing that they can do for you at the hospital?"

"Uh, they said that they can make me more comfortable, but I don't want to spend my last few days with my family standing around my bed, waiting for me to die."

"Kind of like I'm doing right now."

"Is that what you're doing?"

"No. Although okay, there was a time that I could have danced at your funeral. I might of." She snapped her fingers playfully. "Shoot did you hear about that?"

He laughed at her. "Oh yeah."

"Stop! Now it just makes me really sad."

"Good. I'm glad."

"Me too." She leant over and gave him a tight hug.

After leaving Phillip to spend some time with Emma, Olivia found herself nursing a cup of coffee at Company. Buzz came out from the back room, surprised to see her since he hadn't heard the bell above the door. "Hey, I didn't hear you come in." He exclaimed. Kissing her on the cheek and sitting next to her.

"Hey. Hi. You here by yourself?"

"Well yeah. Well, you know, until we get the stove going. No stove no food, no food no customers. Frank can get back to being a cop though. Doing the thing he loves. Being a cop, being a dad."

"He's a wonderful father."

"Could you tell him that the next time you see him?"

"Sure."

"No, cause he's feeling lousy cause Mallet and Marina broke up. He thinks he set a bad example."

"No, he can't do that. We all set bad examples for our kids, occasionally. I mean, they're supposed to be better people then us."

"Mine certainly are."

"Mine definitely are." Buzz kissed her cheek again and walked away.

Natalia was eating an ice cream bar at the mini mart when Blake approached her. "Hey Natalia, how are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Good. Good. So uh, how are things going?"

"Good. It's hard, you know, Rafe leaving, but it's gonna be okay. Olivia will be there."

"So, things getting better between the two of you."

"Yeah. I think so. Not where I want things to be, but I'll wait for her. Trying to be patient."

"Yeah. Olivia can be…" She trailed off.

"Stubborn." Natalia finished for her.

"Yeah."

"I know. She has a right to be upset, I just have to keep at it. Make sure she understands how much I love her, and I will. It's all gonna work out."

"I hope so. You two, you belong together."

"Thanks Blake. I think so too." She looked off with a sad expression.

Blake reached across and patted her hand. "Olivia will come around, just, give her time." Blake pat her hand one last time before leaving.

Natalia left as well, walking through the park. She stumbled upon Phillip sitting on a bench. She walked up and sat next to him.

"Hi Natalia."

"Hi Phillip." They sat for a second, both lost in thought, before Natalia turned to face him. "You know Olivia told me, and I am so sorry."

"Thank you, yes. I am the dying guy. I think I'm gonna get t-shirts made up that say that." He joked poorly.

Natalia looked away uneasy. "I am so sorry. I'm really sorry."

"No, it's okay, I'm sorry."

"No, no, no. You are going through a lot right now and I just…and I'm really sorry." She stood and began to walk away.

Phillip quickly called after her. "Hey uh, Natalia." She spun back to face him. "Listen um, this may not be my place to say this but um, dying does have its perks. I know that Olivia is trying to push you away right now, don't be fooled. She needs you, and Emma really needs you, and they're gonna need you a whole lot more once I'm gone. So, don't let her keep you out."

"Oh, I won't. I won't. I know what I want."

"Good."

She nodded at him and turned to leave.

Olivia was walking in the park, crying as she walked. Thinking about Phillip, and everything with Natalia. Phillip walked towards her and she turned so he wouldn't see her tears.

"Hey, you don't have to run, I'm not contagious." She turned back to him and he noticed the wet marks lining her cheeks. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Is this like a routine for you? Come to the park and walk around crying? Like going for a jog."

She chuckled a little. "Stop. I'm embarrassed. I don't wanna talk about it."

"You don't wanna talk about it?" She shook her head. "It would seem a little odd at this point in our relationship to be hiding things from each other. I don't have a lot of time to be telling people anything."

"I was feeling sorry for myself. Which is a really crappy thing to say to somebody who actually has something to worry about. I shouldn't feel worse for myself then I do for you."

"Why? When I go I'm gone. I don't have anything to worry about at that point. Sometimes I think it's harder for the people left behind."

"You're being awfully grown up about all this."

"I just had awhile to get used to the idea."

"Are you used to it?"

"Well, I'm not happy about it. But I, you know, I've had some time to work through the ups and downs, and there have been plenty of both. I've been up on that hill many an afternoon talking to my headstone so, we all get our dark moments."

"I was thinking about Emma. You know, she's not gonna have you. Ava doesn't have Jeffery, Rafe might be going off to fight some war. People leave. They leave and they die."

"They don't all die. Some of em keep living. And those are the ones that will give you your happiness if you let them."

"I just feel like we've lost so many people."

"So don't lose any more. You have somebody. You have somebody that loves you, that wants you in her life."

"I uh, I planned on going to talk with her but uh, I don't know. I'm scared. What if she leaves again Phillip? I won't survive again."

"Have faith Olivia. Don't lose Natalia by pushing her away." He kissed her cheek and continued his walk.

Rafe saw Ashley sitting at a table outside Company. "You never responded to my text." He proclaimed as he sat at a chair by her.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine Ash. You know your moms inside if that's who you're looking for."

"No, she's actually not who I'm looking for at all right now."

"Ashley are you okay? You look a little, a little mess."

"Oh, I'm fine. I just had a very weird talk with my mother."

"Oh well you can talk to me about it if you want. It's not like anything's gonna surprise me right."

"No actually I don't think that this would surprise you at all."

"Okay."

"Okay um, when I put together Coop's book, my mom said, 'why don't you write something up about me.' And I said no I can't because I don't know anything about you."

"Right."

"So, she decided to tell everything today."

"Okay. What does that mean?"

"My mother is gay Rafe."

He chuckled lightly. "Okay, that's funny Ashley. I guess."

"It's very funny and it's very true."

"Are you serious? What is this? Like uh band wagon everybody's jumping on?"

"No, no, this is no new band wagon thing for Doris. No, she's known forever and she's kept it secret from me. From all of my life."

"I don't, I don't understand. What did she think you couldn't handle it or something? Or she thought it would upset you?"

"It upsets me that she thinks she can keep such big secret from me. Like I'd be homophobic. Like she raised somebody that would care. She's so angry. She's so sad. And it's cause she wouldn't share this. She wouldn't let me be a part of her life. She's been so angry at me." She sobbed. "I thought it was cause she didn't like me, but no, it's cause she didn't like herself."

"Hey look at me, hey. Baby, if you don't mind me saying, it's not like she kept it from you forever. Okay? She told you, it's not like you found out on your own. She trusted you enough to tell you this."

"I know. I just want my mother to be happy, and she hasn't let herself because she was afraid of what her own daughter would think."

"Look, this is about her. You can't make it about you." Rafe hugged Ashley and helped her dry her tears. Just as they pulled apart, Natalia called them inside for Rafe's party. They were having cold sandwiches and several different types of salads, with a sugar free cake Buzz had cooked for him at home.

Everyone was enjoying each other's company. Laughing and toasting Rafe, wishing him good luck while he was away. Olivia walked up and looked in the window. Rafe was sitting with Ashley and Daisy laughing. Blake was at the counter with Lillian and Buzz. Several other members of the community sat conversing. She scanned the restaurant, looking for a certain Latina, she saw her, sitting with Frank at a table close to the door.

Olivia took a steadying breath and opened the door to Company, the bell ringing overhead. Natalia looked up, meeting her eyes. Frank looked between the two of them. "I'm gonna go see if the cake is ready."

Olivia half smiled. "Thanks Frank."

Natalia didn't even acknowledge Frank leaving, she just starred at Olivia. "You're here."

Olivia walked to her, taking her face in her hands. "I had to be. I couldn't waste any more time." Their foreheads pressed together. Before Olivia could lean in for a kiss. Rafe cleared his throat, approaching the two women.

Olivia took a small step back, reaching a hand down to grasp Natalia's. Rafe looked at her and she gave a small nod. He kissed his mother's cheek and then stood tall. Clearing his throat to get everyone's attention.

"So uh, before the cake is brought out, I have an announcement to make. Uh, Olivia was able to help me get out of my contract. I've decided to stay and see what this town has to offer an ex-con." Everyone looked at each other in silence, and then applauded, happy that Rafe wasn't going to be leaving town.

Natalia stood and starred at her son. "What are you saying Rafe? Are you saying you're not leaving?"

"Yeah Ma. I'm uh, I'm gonna stick around a little bit longer, see what I can do here."

"But how? You already quit your job and if you don't go you'll go back to prison. And how did you get out of going, you already signed?"

Rafe glanced at Olivia. "Well, uh, someone might have offered me a chance at a better job, something I can make a career out of."

"Really? So, you're not going?"

"No Ma. I'm not going. Not yet anyway."

"What does that mean? Are you leaving later?'

"I don't know yet Ma. I'm uh, I just want to, you know, see if I can do something here. Make a life for myself without leaving my family."

Natalia smiled brightly, dimples on full display. She brought her son into a tight hug. Then turned her attention to their family and friends surrounding them. "Well, this just turned from a farewell party, to an I'm glad you're staying party, so let's enjoy this time together. Bring out the cake."

Emma ran and jumped into her brother's arms. "You mean it, you're not leaving?"

Rafe bounced her in his arms. "Nope. You're stuck with me munchkin."

"Yay."

"Yay. Let's go get a big piece of cake."

As Rafe carried Emma to the counter for cake, Natalia turned to Olivia, taking her hand, and dragging her outside. Once they exited, Natalia flung herself into Olivia's arms. Speaking close to her ear. "I don't know what you did, but I'm glad you did it. Our son is staying at home."

Olivia squeezed her tighter. "He needs to be here. He needs you."

Natalia pulled back and looked into Olivia's eyes. "He need us."

Olivia nodded and pulled Natalia to her, crashing their lips together in an earth-shattering kiss. They kissed for every wasted moment spent apart. Tongues dueled for dominance. Natalia's hands threaded into honey blond locks as Olivia's hands gripped at Natalia's hips, pulling her tighter against her body. They kissed until they were both breathless before finally pulling apart. Smiling at one another. Olivia leaned in and placed one more semi chaste kiss to eager lips. This kiss was for a fresh start, a new beginning for their family. A beginning with their entire family on the same page, Rafe included. He might not be all the way there yet, but he was trying, and that was enough.