Location: Home, Bedroom
Date: September 27th
Ah man, it feels weird writing the date again. According to Ampharos, we were gone for a total of...get ready for this...
7 days.
...
Ha! I'm just kiddin'.
Time in the Voidlands moves much slower than in the real world, so if we experienced only a few hours there, it was like two months here. And according to Entei, Raikou, and Suicune, they were restored from their petrification like five minutes after we left the Voidlands.
...
Dude, that ordeal was not five minutes.
Soooo yeah. Time moves slower in this world, but it kinda makes sense when you consider my human self being in Ozu. Enough time had passed in the human world for me to be entirely forgotten, even though I'd been here for less than a year. I wonder how many years have passed in the human world since I've been here...
Anyway, Ampharos said that not counting the day we left the Society to get Krookodile, the whole Dark Matter thing went on for 64 days. Last known recorded date was July 16th, so 64 days from that is...let's see, 31 days in July and August, 30 in September...carry the 2...we returned to Lively Town on September 18th, plus we've only been off for 9 days out of our three weeks off...
Today's September 27th. Isn't that crazy to think about?
Oh, and for those of you with obsession compulsive disorder wondering why we didn't just take a full month off instead of 3 weeks, we were offered a full month, but Lyra and I agreed we'd probably get antsy. Might as well use that energy for work.
Speaking of Ampharos, I still don't know what I'll do next year. This whole Dark Matter business kinda put a wrench in our plan. Not exactly fair of a trial run for the Society when we had the freakin' end of the world to contend with. However, Ampharos and I talked about that during our second day off. We discussed the possibility of allowing room for an every-other-day sorta thing when it came to Society work. So, I'd explore new areas one day and do Society work the next.
He was trying, I'll give him that. However, that didn't seem fair to either party. How could you expect someone lost in a dungeon to wait a day for help simply because I wanted to explore somewhere new? And if we discover somewhere new, was it fair to ask me to wait until the day after tomorrow to explore it because we needed to do our chores the following day?
Oof...that's a horrible thing to say. That's what Sam, the human me in Ozu that we decided to name, woulda said. You get what I mean though, it just wouldn't work.
Ampharos was disappointed that I declined, but I reassured him that if he needed, I'd collaborate with them in major investigations. Eris might not think highly of him, but I do. He's not the manipulative monster he was at one point. He's better, and he's trying.
What else happened...lemme think...
Even though Lyra's been telling everyone about the Dark Matter battle and how grim of a situation it was, she and I haven't discussed it one-on-one. I told her about Sam and my lost memories when she asked about when Dark Matter knocked me out, but otherwise...
Fuck's sake, we would've lost everything if we failed. Lyra knows that, and I think it scares her more than she lets on. I've occasionally woken up and stared at the ceiling in the dead of night, contemplating the consequences of our failure. Sometimes Lyra will have curled up next to me in my hay bed. Sometimes I'll look over and see her just staring up in silent horror.
I don't think we're avoiding the subject on purpose. It's one of those things that we will talk about if we bring it up, but neither of us want to. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure if we should. Much like being sent to the Voidlands, you don't go through an ordeal like that and come out the same person. Lyra put on an optimistic front to keep my morale boosted, but I can't imagine how otherworldly terrified she was.
Dammit all. She doesn't deserve this trauma...
I'll find the time to sit with her and encourage (not force) her to talk about it. I know she had to be strong throughout our adventure, but she needs to know she can lean on me as much as I lean on her. And...I think she needs that more than she thinks. That's a concern for another time though.
I let Eris read the entries describing the Dark Matter fight. She was fascinated by my retelling, although she kinda looked at me strangely at first.
"This isn't how someone typically writes in a journal. Normally they just write their innermost personal thoughts and brief descriptions about what happened. This...this seems like you're writing a story instead of a journal."
I uh...I won't lie, I was embarrassed when she said that. I mean, like...what does she want from me? That's how I've been writing ever since I could remember. Literally. First entry I wrote after my memory was wiped was written like this.
I mean, I guess it's a little strange compared to how she described one typically writes in a journal, but...I write these knowing I'll wanna read back on them later. So, I write them in a way that I find pleasant and enjoyable. It uh...it might seem strange or restrained or even unenjoyable to someone else, but...it's my journal =/ I'll write in it however I please.
Anyway, despite the strange writing style, Eris said she enjoyed the entries all the same. She wished she coulda helped out more instead of pacing back and forth, wishing like hell we made it out alive. If not for the threat that she'd be turned to stone, she woulda gotten close enough to send one of her illusions up to help us out at least. She wasn't alone in that aspect - Ampharos felt the same way.
Ahh...musta sucked to be an unflying Pokémon. All they could do was wait to hear the good news or say their final prayers.
Well, whatever. The ordeal was over, and Lyra and I knew they were with us in spirit. And they were there afterwards to celebrate, so what was there to feel guilty about? Everything turned out fine. Best possible outcome, really.
Excluding some unimportant relaxation stuff Lyra and I did, that covers everything that happened between the last entry and now. Today, we're planning on escorting Espurr to Serene Village and staying for a few days to celebrate with the villagers. We haven't seen them in so long, and to stumble across the village with everyone turned to stone like that...
Arceus, it's been far longer than we realized. We're gonna rectify that today.
Lyra's particularly excited, and I don't blame her. She wants to see her Pops doing well and spend time with him and blab his ears off (if he has them, do Carracostas have ears?) about everything that happened and...hehe, she's so cute when she's talking a mile a minute. And I refuse to fall asleep on her this time.
As for me, well...I am excited to see everyone, don't get me wrong, but Nuzleaf...
...
Ugh. I won't lie. I'm really not ready to see him yet. I mean, I...I know he regrets the part he played in Dark Matter's plans and he was only a puppet. I get that. I know that.
All the same...
...
I can't...I mean...I'm sorry, I'm digging deep to find an ounce of motivation to see him. As happy as I'll be to see him not turned to stone anymore, I'm not...emotionally ready for the uh...y'know...everything else.
I mean...fuck man. That betrayal really sucked on two different levels. When he first initially betrayed me, I was so lost and upset and angry and disappointed and confused and hurt and twisted up...all at the same time. Even now, I can't fully comprehend the complex crap I was feeling. I've reread entry #147 countless times, and all I see is pain and disappointment in my writing.
Man, I really didn't document my emotions well. Maybe I didn't care at the time. Lucky I didn't just destroy the journal at that point, honestly.
Second level was when Yemer led us to the bottom of the Prehistoric Ruins and Nuzleaf explained his scheme to deceive me from the very beginning. At the time, I felt so shocked and distraught, but when I thought about it later as I was writing the entry...all I felt was hurt and angry. I couldn't even finish writing because all I thought about was how even my journal was a tool he used to gain my trust.
That...that really sucked. It made me wonder how much of our interactions were genuinely familial and how much was fake. On my end, everything was genuine. On his end though...
Do I even want to know the answer? How much will the truth hurt?
...
Well...I talked to Lyra about it yesterday, and she consoled me by saying that even if things are strained we can always try to make things better. Maybe it feels impossibly difficult now, and maybe it won't happen after just one talk, but the important thing was we were both willing to keep communications open and, most importantly, try. It won't be easy, but she'd be there for me the whole time. We just needed to take it one step at a time.
Ah, it truly was...a blessing to have her support. 'Course, my anxiety spikes all the same when I think about seeing him, but...well, only time will tell I suppose.
...
Anyway, I need to wrap up my writing for now. Lyra took off to gather our things for the long trip ahead, and she'll no doubt wanna have breakfast on the move this morning to save time.
Location: Gentle Slope Cave (writing this as we easily stroll through. Man, those Bouffalant Fury Attacks were problematic at one point?)
The whole Expedition Society saw us off as we were leaving HQ. Ampharos exchanged pleasantries with Lyra and Espurr, and a cacophony of goodbyes, take cares, and have funs sounded by the time we departed.
Before we left town, we stopped to talk to Eris at the entrance. I asked her if she was sure she didn't wanna come with us. She'd be welcome in the village, no question.
"This isn't the right time for me to visit the village, sweetness. This is about you two checking on your hometown after your grand feat. If I go...it would just be awkward if we happened upon...you know."
Nuzleaf...dammit all. Why's it gotta be like this? Why can't things be simple?
Because life.
"I'm sure it's a lovely place, and I would like nothing more than to visit with you sometime. But...next time. It's a promise, alright?"
I told her I understood, and I was feeling as uncertain and apprehensive as she was. She offered me a forced smile and pat my head. I...ooh...she had a look in her eyes. An understanding look. An, "I would absolutely give you advice if I knew what to say right now," sorta look. Rather than hang about and make things awkward, we simply left.
I think the other two wanted to say something, but they...I mean...what could they say that hasn't been said already? What could anyone say? This predicament wasn't exactly commonplace...
"One step at a time", Lyra had said last night.
Right. Okay. One step. One step is doable. One step is small and...not intimidating.
Ah...but we were traveling with Lyra, so of course the subject was changed effortlessly. She stood on the travel-heavy circular hilltop overlooking Lively Town and...all was good again.
"The first time that I stood here and saw Lively Town with my own eyes, it all seemed so new and exciting. Looking at it now, that memory seems like it was a really long time ago. Thank goodness everyone went back to normal after being turned to stone."
I stood beside her and said that when we first joined the Society, I kept thinking back to our days in Serene Village and marveling at how much we'd grown since then. Now, I look back on our days of joining the Society and marvel at how naïve I was, not realizing just how much more growing we were gonna do. Do you think there'll come a day when we look back at our current selves and yearn for those simpler days like we do with our past selves?
Lyra giggled at that and reminded me that I haven't even been in this world for a full year yet. The years were gonna be long if they were all as eventful as this one.
Espurr chimed in, saying that no year would be like this one. We truly made history this year.
"But it is a mysterious thing, isn't it? I first heard that Irau was a human all that time ago in the village. But to think that it was actually an incredibly ancient Pokémon that called Irau to this world, or that Irau had fought Dark Matter before in the ancient past..."
Lyra said she understood what she meant since she was shocked when she heard it from Celebi. And then to hear Dark Matter confirm it...I admitted that I couldn't really say anything since I don't remember that time.
Espurr said it didn't matter if I remembered that time or not since I did my duty in both the past and present. "Whenever the world needed you, you answered the call and came to save us. You are our hero, Irau. I hope you don't ever forget that."
Lyra chipped in, saying I was her hero too. She told me to show some pride and puffed out her chest feathers to demonstrate. Espurr was gonna say something discouraging, but I muffled her words with a vine. I mimicked Lyra's behavior, although I felt a little embarrassed doing so and ended up giggling shyly. Whatever, it appeased Lyra and put that adorable twinkle in her eye.
Hero, huh? Espurr saying that reminded me of when I used to doubt myself back when everyone kept making a big deal about me being brought to this world to stop Dark Matter. Even possessed Nuzleaf said something about me being a big deal because the spirit of an ancient Pokémon summoned me specifically to restore Pokémon from their stony imprisonment.
See, I doubted myself because I didn't consider myself heroic. I still don't. I see myself as a mere human with self-esteem issues. Judging from the way Sam acted when I came across her, I wasn't even a pleasant human to begin with.
Seems like Yemer's mistake was a blessing. It provided a clean slate for outside stimuli to shape and mold me instead of tossing in the full cold-hearted violent human that I was. That type of human probably wouldn't have become friends with Lyra. She might've made for a fierce hero, but a kindhearted friend? Not likely.
Getting sidetracked for a sec, I understand why Sam's like that. Judging by my scum memories, she grew up around toxic people in toxic environments. Any small amount of love she felt at one point was stripped away and led to a world of pain. She was harsh and critical of others because she didn't know any other way to be.
Back on topic, I don't see myself as someone others would see as a hero. I'm just...some kid.
...
However, I can't fully commit to that sentence either. I've defended this world twice now and I don't think any rando off the street could do that on a whim. I just...I dunno.
What I do know is I deserve a happier life than I had as Sam. That's the big thing – I deserve happiness. Even if I don't truly believe I was summoned here by the spirit of an ancient Pokémon, or even if I don't truly believe I'm someone special, I believe...no, I know I deserve happiness. I don't deserve to hate myself. I deserve to love myself. I'm in a better place than I was, even if I'm not fully where I want to be.
Someday I'll get there.
It...it also dawned on me that if I did protect this world back in the day and was summoned here again, that meant I left this world after my job was done. I think I mentioned this once before but shrugged it off as a non-issue at the time. Well, it's an issue now. We defeated Dark Matter. We won. Espurr's right, I did my duty. So, now what? Will I leave again?
...
Ah, fucking hell. I don't wanna say goodbye to everyone! Why would I gotta leave? I mean, I get it. I'm from the human world, so I'd have to go home eventually. But what if I wanted my home to be here? Why does my home world matter? Home is where you make it and all that jazz, right? So, why would I have to leave?
Wait...would I? Sam's in Ozu, meaning I've been completely forgotten about in the human world. Could I consider that world my home anymore? I'm not forgotten here, so why should that world be my home more than this one? If I'm forced to leave because of a stupid technicality, that would be the biggest load of Rapidash shit.
I zoned out when I thought of that, and the others noticed my angry expression. They asked me what was wrong and I replied that visiting Serene Village is exciting, but that meant I'd probably have to talk a lot...I was just nervous.
That eased their minds, and we decided to get a move on. It wasn't a complete lie, I am a little nervous about...seeing...
Ugh. Enough already. Much like the "Will I have to leave" conundrum, we'll simply have to wait and see.