Chapter 75
After seeing the kids off and speaking briefly with Dr. Rick, Natalia had slipped into Olivia's room. She walked to the side of the bed and swept the hair from Olivia's face before brushing her soft lips against Olivia's dry ones in the most tender of kisses. She took Olivia's hand and scoot the chair as close to the bed as possible. Tears were building behind her chocolate eyes, but she held them back, this was not the time for them. She needed to be strong right now. She closed her eyes for a moment before opening them and peering down at the sleeping woman before her.
"I love you querida, so much. The last time I sat with you like this, I told you I wasn't going to yell at you, I was just going to be here for you. Well, this time, I'm going to scold you. Olivia, mi amor, you have got to stop this. I know you've been tired, I could see it, I asked you if we needed to come in. You swore that you were fine and you weren't. You can't keep doing this Olivia. You have got to take care of yourself, or at least allow me to. I cannot lose you Olivia. Do you hear me? I need you; your children need you. I have never seen Rafe so tore up and distraught before. He was so scared he was going to lose you. And Ava, Ava just couldn't bear to see you like this again. I watched it happen. Her mind slipped back to that day. The day she thought she would have to say good-bye to her mother, the mother she had just found. I thought that would always be the worst day of my life. The day I lost my husband, the only love I had ever known, but it was far from my worst day Olivia. I love Gus, I will always love Gus, but let me tell you something, every time I sit here with you like this, it's worse than that day. Olivia I love you so very much, you are the love of my life, I cannot do this without you. I need you. And Emma, my god Olivia, she is so scared. We didn't tell her what was going on, but I think that just scared her more. She's such a smart little girl, she knows somethings not right. So, this is it Olivia, no more ignoring things, no more pretending you are okay when you're not. We are not going to be taking any more chances with your health."
Natalia couldn't stop the tears any longer, they streamed down her face and neck. She didn't even try to fight them or wipe them away. She stood and ran her hand through Olivia's hair. "You're going to be alright. You have to be. Te amo cariño. Así que mucho. Estaré aquí cuando despiertes, babe. Como siempre lo soy." (I love you honey. So very much. I'll be here when you wake up baby. Like I always am.) She leaned over and kissed Olivia's forehead before settling back in the chair. The evening had taken its toll on her and she was unable to stay upright any longer. She sat in the chair next to bed and placed Olivia's hand in hers, squeezing it with gentle pressure. She lay her head on the mattress and fell into an uncomfortable and uneasy sleep.
Natalia awoke, not long after drifting off to sleep, she felt a hand sifting through her hair. She groggily peaked an eye open to the sight of Olivia's deep green eyes.
"H-hey y-you." Olivia choked out.
"Hey." Natalia smiled before remembering where they were. She sat up, stretching the sore muscles in her back, and rotating her neck. She grabbed the cup of water from the bed side table and brought the straw to Olivia's lips.
Olivia took a small sip. "Thank you."
Natalia smiled. "You're welcome." After setting the cup down, Natalia leaned down and placed a small kiss to Olivia's lips. She stayed bent over her with one hand gently stroking through her hair and the other against her cheek. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I got hit by a t-truck. What…"
Before Olivia could finish her question, Lillian gave a soft knock before entering the room to check Olivia's vitals. "Well, hey there. Nice to see you awake. I just wanted to check on you before I left for the day. How are you feeling this morning?"
"Lillian?" Olivia questioned, before looking around seeing the familiar green of the walls. She looked from Lillian to Natalia. "What, what happened? How did I get here?" Suddenly she felt the pain in her chest, reaching a hand down she felt the fresh incision where her chest had once again been split open.
"I'm gonna page Rick for you. He slept here last night so he would be close." Lillian said as she exited the room.
Natalia reached out and took Olivia's hand away from her chest, holding it tightly in her own. "Olivia, sweetheart, do you remember anything from last night?"
"Um, N-no, the last thing I remember was getting into bed with you in Chicago. I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe, and then nothing. What the hell happen Natalia? And why do I have another incision?"
"Cariño, you um, your heart stopped and you quit breathing. Once the EMT's got your heart beating again, we took you to the hospital in Chicago, and Phillip flew Rick in. Your pacemaker was malfunctioning…"
Natalia was interrupted by Dr. Rick's knock before he entered. "Welcome back Olivia. We really should quit meeting like this. You could just stop in and see me if you miss me. You don't have to keep collapsing to get my attention." He smiled softly.
Olivia smiled curtly. "What the hell is going on Rick. Last thing I remember is being at a hotel room in Chicago, now I'm here, what happened?" She was getting upset and Natalia saw her wince in pain as she tried to sit up. Natalia squeezed the hand she was holding and placed her free hand on Olivia's thigh. Doing her best to comfort her.
"Olivia calm down. You can't get yourself worked up like this. I will explain everything, just as soon as I check over your vitals." Rick assured her. Moving to check her chart and the monitors.
Olivia huffed. "Come on Rick, Natalia said my pacemaker malfunctioned and I feel like I've been hit in the chest with a sludge hammer. I have a fresh incision, what the hell happened?"
Natalia looked down at her. "Olivia honey, please calm down. You're going to get yourself all worked up. Let Rick explain, please."
Olivia recognized the fear in Natalia's eyes and heard the tremor in her voice. She forced herself to relax back onto the bed and turned her attention to Rick with a much calmer demeanor. "Alright Rick, please, explain."
"So nice of you to say please. Now, what Natalia said is true. Your pacemaker wasn't doing its job properly. We needed to replace it, sooner rather than later. We life Flighted you here from South Shore in Chicago for the surgery. I knew you wouldn't be happy if we let some stranger open you up."
"So, you're telling me I had another surgery last night, without even being aware of it?"
"Yes, I'm sorry Olivia, we had to keep you sedated to keep you stable. We would have woken you to speak with you about it first, but it was just too risky to wait. I had to get it done as fast as possible. Since Natalia is your medical power of attorney, I was able to get her consent."
"I, I, what happens now?"
"Well, nothing new really. It's the same as before. You need to eat right, and exercise, cut down on the stress, and you need to listen to your body. If something isn't right, doesn't feel right, then you need to come see me. Natalia told me you've been tired lately. Really run down. You should have come and talked to me Olivia. You can't keep ignoring things like this. You have got to take care of yourself Olivia. You're only going to get lucky so many times."
"Lucky, you call this lucky? I was cut open, again, and I didn't even know it was happening. What about that is lucky Dr. Bauer?" Olivia spat.
"You're lucky it wasn't something worse. The signs you were exhibiting could have been your body rejecting the heart. The fact that you were tired, and I'm sure feeling tightness in your chest, and probably having times where you were feeling shortness of breath, those are all signs that something was wrong. Olivia, that was your body telling you something. The pacemaker was still working, but not as it should have been. Your heart was working overtime, probably for a couple of weeks now. Ignoring the problems you were having, it could have caused your heart to give out. Your heart did stop again Olivia. Just like before the pacemaker, it was working too hard, you have got to decide if you want to live or not, and if you do, then you have to start paying more attention to your body and taking care of yourself. I know Natalia tries, but she can only do so much, she's not you, she doesn't know what you're feeling."
Olivia looked down at her lap and fiddled with the edge of the blanket. "I know." She said in a soft voice. "We've just been so busy. I didn't have time to do anything, let alone take a day off to spend at the doctor. I planned on coming to see you when things slowed down."
"Olivia! There is always time for your health. You being healthy, is more important than anything else. Why didn't you tell me? You said you were fine." Natalia chastised.
Olivia looked up at Natalia sheepishly. "I'm sorry honey. I know I should have told you. I was trying to get through everything, then I was going to tell you and come see Rick. Really I was."
"I seem to remember a similar speech just before the last time this happened." Rick cut in. "Was the episode outside Company last year not enough for you?"
"I said I'm sorry. I was planning on coming in. We have so much going on right now, I just needed to get some things finished. I swear, I wasn't ignoring what I was feeling, I just needed to get somethings sorted out first."
Natalia fought the tears forming in her eyes. She was scared for Olivia, but also angry. "Just stop Olivia!" She shouted. "Do have any idea what you put us through last night? What you put me through? I had to watch, again, as EMT's tried to shock you back. Your heart stopped, you weren't breathing, and I was right back to that day outside Company. Only it was worse this time. Back then I hadn't admitted to you or myself what I felt for you. Now I know. And watching the person you love, lying there, lifeless, being shocked over and over again, I, I thought I lost you." Natalia was weeping in earnest.
"Natalia…I'm…"
"No, you don't get to talk yet. I had to ride in that ambulance with you. You were barely breathing; your pulse was so weak. Then, we get to the hospital and they took you away. I didn't hear anything for over two hours. Phillip brought Ava and Rafe with Rick and they just clung to me and wept. I have never seen either of them like that. Ava, oh my god Olivia, I remember seeing her when Gus died, when she thought you were going to die, she was so scared, but last night, last night she was just lost. Her eyes were empty. And Rafe. Olivia that boy, he was, I don't even know. I have never seen him like that. He was sobbing so hard, he just kept asking what was wrong with his mom…"
"What? What happened to you?'
"He wasn't talking about me Olivia. He was talking about you. He was beside himself with worry. I have seen my son upset, but never like that. It was as if a part of him wasn't there, like part of him was suffering with you." Natalia paused to take a breath. Swiping the tears off her face.
Olivia was stunned, staring straight ahead but not really seeing. A flash ran across her mind. Rafe holding her hand, sitting by her bed. He was crying and begging her to be okay. Then he kissed her cheek and whispered, 'I love you mom.' Rafe had called her nom, she could hear the fear in his voice. He was scared for her. Tears began to run down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry Natalia. I'm so sorry. I never want to hurt you, or the kids. I just, I wanted to get everything done at the house and the hotels. I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry." She was openly sobbing. Not trying to hide her emotions.
Natalia wiped her tears with the pad of her thumb and kissed her cheek. "It's okay honey. Please don't cry. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I shouldn't have told you all of that. I just, I can't stand the thought of losing you. I just want you to take care of yourself, let me take care of you. I can't do that if you keep hiding things from me."
"I know. I know Natalia. I promise, no more. I will tell you if anything feels off, and I will come see Rick the minute I don't feel right. Okay?"
"Okay. I love you Olivia, and I want to spend a very long time with you. I can't do that if you don't even make it to our wedding." She smiled sweetly to let Olivia know she wasn't angry, just scared.
"Alright, that's enough of this heart-to-heart stuff." Rick joked. "I'm going to keep you for the rest of the week. I want to keep a close eye on you."
"No Rick. Thanksgiving is in two days. When you first put in the pacemaker I got to leave the next day and last time there was an issue I was out of here within hours. What's different this time?"
"Nothing really. I just want to be safe."
"But it's not necessary? I could leave today?"
"Olivia, I really think it's best if we keep you. It was a close call last night."
"Rick, it's our first Thanksgiving as a family, with all of our children, I don't want to spend it in a hospital bed. My kids deserve better than that."
"Alright. Let's keep you today and tomorrow. If everything still looks good, I'll let you leave tomorrow evening."
"Thank you. Rick."
"Okay. I'm gonna leave you to it. Try and get some more rest. I'm gonna head home and do the same, since someone so rudely had to almost die just as I was getting into bed." He gave a joking smile at her. "Natalia, please make sure she rest, and don't let her get worked up anymore. You should really get some sleep too."
"I will Dr. Rick. Thank you." Once Rick left, Natalia turned to Olivia. "Are you okay?"
"I will be. It's hard, knowing my chest was cut open again, for the third time. I hate this."
"I know you do baby, but the important thing is you are okay."
"Yeah." Olivia said, sounding defeated.
A nurse came in to give Olivia more pain meds, she smiled sweetly at both of them and then left without a word.
"You really should try and get some rest. It was after three in the morning when you came out of surgery. You need sleep." Natalia said. Lowering her head to kiss her fiancé.
"You too." She scooted over to one side of the bed. "Come on up here and lay with me."
"No Olivia, the beds too small and I don't want to hurt you."
"You won't. Now come on. You know I sleep better with you next to me."
Natalia sighed but kicked off her shoes and climbed up onto the bed, lying on her side. Carefully weaving her left arm under Olivia's neck and placing her right arm lightly across Olivia's middle. Olivia snuggled her head against Natalia's shoulder and let her left arm rest on top of Natalia's right across her stomach. Natalia kissed the top of her head and the two both closed their eyes, letting sleep claim them.
At just after nine in the morning, Ava and Rafe arrived at the hospital. Ava quietly opened the door to her mom's room and signaled to Rafe to be quiet when she saw the two women cuddled together, fast asleep. There was an untouched food tray by the bed and she could see that both of them still looked exhausted.
Rafe walked over and stood on the side of the bed next to Olivia, while Ava stood on the other side by Natalia. The two just stared down at their mothers. Both relieved to see that Olivia seemed alright. Ava moved the chair closer to the bed so she could sit, accidently scrapping it across the tile.
Natalia stirred awake. Slowly opening her eyes. She was facing Rafe and saw him first, shifting on the bed, she noticed Ava was also there. "Hey guys."
"Hey Ma." Rafe said. "How's mom?"
Olivia chose that moment to wake up. She made sure to lock eyes with Rafe before she spoke. "Mom's going to be just fine son." Olivia smiled as she watched relief spread across his face. She could see the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "Come here." She softly demanded. He slowly moved closer and bent down to hug her. Tucking his face in the crook of her neck, he breathed her in. Allowing a few tears to fall onto her skin. Olivia ran her hand up and down his back. "Shh baby. It's okay. I'm here and I'm going to be fine."
Rafe kissed her neck and stood back up, sniffling, and wiping his cheeks. "So, what's going to happen now?"
"Nothing new. I'm okay. I just have to continue eating healthy and exercising, and I have to listen to myself. I need to make sure and check in with Rick if something seems off. Other than that nothing is going to change."
Ava moved to her mother's side. Natalia slid from the bed and helped Olivia into a seated position. She stepped to stand next to Rafe and put her arm around his waist. Olivia pat the edge of the bed for Ava to sit down. She took her daughters hand and ran her thumb across her knuckles. "Ava baby, I'm sorry I scared you."
"It's okay mom. I'm just glad you're alright."
"It's not okay Ava. I knew I was tired and having some tightness in my chest. I knew something was wrong and I ignored it. It wasn't okay for me to put you all through this. I won't let it happen again. I promise. I will let you guys know and see Rick if anything feels out of place again. Okay?"
Ava hugged her mother. "Okay mom." She started to cry against Olivia's chest. "I was so scared mom. You looked so weak, it was like we were back there, two years ago. I thought you were going to die. I couldn't even look at you."
Olivia stroked Ava's hair. "I know baby. I'm so sorry. But I'm okay. Everything's going to be alright."
Ava pulled back and looked at her mom. "Don't you ever do that again. Okay?"
"Don't worry. I won't. I learned my lesson. Having my chest cut open for the third time is plenty enough for me."
"Good. So, when are you gonna be able to come home?"
Natalia stepped forward and placed a hand on Ava's shoulder. "Rick said as long as everything is okay, she can come home tomorrow evening."
"That soon? Is he sure she shouldn't stay longer?" Rafe asked in fear.
"She's okay Rafe. When they did the pacemaker the first time, she was able to leave the very next day, he's just keeping her as a precaution. It's okay mijo. We won't let anything happen to mom."
Rafe nodded but couldn't seem to find words to speak. He just let himself slide into the chair by the bed and gaze at Olivia.
Olivia looked between Ava and Natalia. "Can you give me a minute with Rafe?"
Natalia and Ava both nodded. Knowing that Rafe was having a much harder time with this then anyone would have expected. Ava kissed her mom's cheek and moved off the bed. Natalia kissed Olivia's cheek. "We'll be right back, I'm gonna go and get some coffee. I love you."
"I love you too."
Natalia and Ava exited and walked towards the cafeteria. Olivia waited for the door to close and then turned her attention to Rafe who was sitting with his head in his hands. She watched him for a moment, deciding what she needed to say to him. Finally, she cleared her throat and spoke softly. "Rafe. Rafe, baby come here, come sit by me."
Rafe didn't say a word, just climbed onto the bed where Ava had been sitting moments before and peered at Olivia. Olivia searched his face and eyes, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on inside his head. She let her eyes glance around the room and then back to him. When she looked back, what she saw in his eyes told her exactly what the problem was, Rafe was seeing Gus, he was terrified of losing another parent.
She reached out for his hand and laced their fingers together. "Rafe, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere."
"But you could have. Ma said they had to shock you like four times before they got you in the ambulance, and then at the hospital, they had to restart your heart again, twice. Mom you almost died."
"I know son. I know. But look at me, I'm fine. It was a close call, that's all. I'm going to take better care of myself, and I'm going to allow my family to help me. I'm not going to leave you. Is that what you're scared of? That another parent is going to leave you?"
Rafe just nodded and allowed himself to lean forward and rest his head on her stomach. Olivia ran her fingers through his hair and allowed him to silently cry for a few moments before she spoke again.
She continued to run her fingers through his hair as she talked in a low soothing voice. "Rafe, listen to me. What happened to Gus, was an accident. This is different. As long as I take care of myself, I will be okay. And I'm going to. From now on. If anything, even something small happens or doesn't feel right, I'll be here to see Rick. I'm going to keep you and the rest of the family involved in my health, make sure you guys know how I'm feeling. I'm not going anywhere my son."
"Do you promise? You'll always be here?" He mumbled against her stomach without lifting his head.
Olivia let out a breath. "I can't promise that Rafe. Heart transplant patients can have lots of problems, and I'm not going to lie to you, my life expectancy is much shorter than it used to be. But I can promise that I will do everything in my power to stay with you for as long as I can. I will take better care of myself and I will make sure that nothing ever happens again because of my choosing to ignore signs that something's wrong. I can promise that I will be here for you for as long as possible. Alright?"
Rafe finally lifted his head to look at her. "Okay. Mom?"
"Yeah baby."
"I'm sorry I wished you died back then, when Gus…"
"Hey." She placed her right hand against his cheek. "It's okay Rafe. I wished it too back then. I thought I deserved to die. It wasn't fair for me to live and him die, but that's not how it was supposed to be. As much as I wish he was still here, I'm glad that I am. That I get to be here, with you. I love you Rafe. You are my son and nothing will ever change that."
"I'm glad too mom. I love you."
Olivia leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "Now, how about we get your Ma and sister back here, we need to discuss some changes that are going to take place, and then I would like someone to go get my Jellybean."
"No need, we're here." Natalia said happily from the door. She walked to Rafe and kissed his cheek. He moved so she could sit with Olivia. She kissed Olivia just below the ear and whispered. "Everything okay?"
Olivia nodded. "Everything is just fine. I was just telling Rafe that we need to make some changes around the house and at work."
Natalia sat on the bed next to Olivia, their children on either side of them in chairs. The three talked for a little over an hour about everything that was going on in their lives and what changes needed to be made to help alleviate some of the stress from Olivia. Eventually Rafe and Ava left to pick up Emma early from school and grab lunch from Buzz.
Natalia snuggled close to Olivia. "I'm so happy that you're okay."
Olivia pulled her closer. "Me too sweetheart. Everything is going to be just fine."
Natalia turned her head up to look at Olivia. "It had better be."
Olivia smiled. "It will be my love. I promise." Olivia bent her head to capture waiting lips. This kiss was charged with the electricity of life. Natalia could almost swear there were sparks when their lips touched. This kiss was the proclamation of Olivia's resolution to make sure she stayed alive and healthy for her family for as long as possible. She knew that her life wouldn't be as long as she had once hoped, but she wanted it to be as long and happy as it could be. That meant she had to quit thinking she was invincible. She needed to pay closer attention to herself and allow her family to help her. She was prepared to do that now. After seeing two of her children so scared of losing her, she knew she had to do everything in her power to keep them from ever feeling that way again, at least for as long as she could.