Some dialogue in the story also came from the unaired pilot.
Character names:
Peter Griffin = Pamela Griffin
Lois Griffin = Lewis Griffin (né Pewterschmidt)
Meg Griffin = Melvin "Mel" Griffin
Chris Griffin = Christine "Christy" Griffin
Stewie Griffin = Susanne "Susie" Griffin
The reason they're still called the Griffins is because I figured that Lewis would take his wife's maiden name because of his bad relationship with his parents. Plus, "Pewterschmidt" is too long and sounds too fancy a name for a middle-class family.
Pamela and Lewis resemble Peter and Lois' genderbend counterparts from the cutaway gag in the episode "Farmer Guy"; though for Pamela, instead of a skirt, she wears shin-length pants and red high-heels. While Lewis has the same voice as male Lois in that episode, Pamela sounds like the Lois from Seth's early short "Life of Larry", which is a prototype for Family Guy.
Mel somewhat resembles Ron (Meg with a sex change) from "Stu & Stewie's Excellent Adventure" without the mustache. Only he wears a blue beanie and a white T-shirt with a red rim around the neck, sleeves and bottom, like Meg did in the unaired pilot.
Mel has the same voice as one of the 72 virgin nerds who says "We're playing Magic: The Gathering. Wanna join?" in the cutaway gag in "Peter's Daughter".
Christy resembles the daughter of Chris' supposed real (Dutch) family from the cutaway gag in "Who's Brian Now?". Only she dresses exactly like Chris in the unaired pilot, wearing tattered shorts and mostly going barefoot.
Susie resembles the female Stewie on Kat107's GB Family Guy fanart in deviantART.
Susie speaks in an exaggerated Cockney accent, like Eliza Pinchley from "One if by Clam, Two if by Sea". I thought it would be amusing if I give female Stewie an exaggerated accent while Stewie's accent is more subtle; like how British Stewie in "Family Guy Viewer Mail No. 2" has an exaggerated Southern drawl.
I tried other female names for female Stewie, but "Susie" is the only one that feels right. Not sure whether or not to change Joe and Bonnie's daughter's name.
Ellie from "Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)" takes Brian's place here as the family dog.
This version of the Griffins behave more like in the pre-cancellation seasons and the early post-cancellation episodes. So the family won't treat Mel too much like total crap.
Now on with the story...
The Griffins are watching an episode of The Brady Bunch. The family are on a light purple couch; left to right: middle-child and daughter Christy, family dog Ellie, who was sitting on the floor, mother Pamela, who's holding the youngest daughter Susie in her arms, Lewis, and finally eldest child and only son Mel who is lying on his stomach.
"Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket." Jan told her parents.
"Greg, were you smoking cigarettes?" Mike answered, looking at Greg.
"No, dad." Greg answered.
Mike then turned to his wife. "Well, he's lying. There's no doubt about that." He then turned back to Greg. "Greg, I'm afraid your punishment will be four hours in the snake pit." He pushed a button next to him that revealed a trapdoor on the floor between Greg and Jan, where hissing noises were coming out. "Maybe that'll give you some time to think about what you've done." Mike said.
"Aw, man!" Greg whined, and then leaped into the snake pit.
"That'll teach him." Jan smugly said in victory.
Mike then walks over to a metallic door in the same room. "And Jan, I'm afraid you've earned a day in the chamber of fire," He pressed another button on the wall which opened the metallic door, revealing a room filled with flames, "for tattling on your brother."
"Smoking? How does a nice kid like that go so wrong?" Lewis said, turning his head to Pamela.
"That's because they live in a bad neighborhood." Pamela answered.
"The Bradys?" Ellie questioned.
"Of course. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, you name it." Pamela explained.
Suddenly, a fat black woman pops up from the window holding a stack of pancakes, and said, "You folks want some pancakes?"
"No, thank you." Pamela told her. "See, the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses."
Later in the evening, everyone was at the kitchen table, except for Pamela. Lewis was busy getting dinner ready, because he's the stay-at-home dad while Pamela is the breadwinner in the family. Christy was reading a beauty magazine. Mel was doing homework and writing notes. Lastly, the baby Susie was on a high chair, adjusting what appears to be a ray gun.
"I wish I was skinny and beautiful like these girls in the magazine." Christy sighed.
"Oh Christy, you're already a beautiful girl." Lewis said to his daughter, giving her a kiss on the cheek, and then pulls the magazine from her hands. "You shouldn't be reading these types of magazines, they'll only make you feel bad about yourself. You know, most of the world's problems stems from poor self-image."
Cutaway Gag #1
In a gym called "Das Gym", a scrawny Hitler is trying pathetically to lift two small weights. He then hears laughter coming from his left and turns to see a physically-fit Jewish man with two beautiful German women rubbing his muscles. Hitler soon growls in envy.
End
"Excellent! The mind-control device is nearing completion!" Susie exclaimed, satisfied with her success.
Lewis then took the rifle away from her hand and said, "Susie, I told you, no toys at the dinner table."
"Confound it, mister!" Susie yelled at her father infuriated. "You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from that retched womb of that so-called wife of yours."
Lewis comforts her. "Oh, don't pout, sweetie. You know, when you were born, you were the happiest-looking baby I've ever seen."
"Yeah, I remember the day Susie was born." Mel stops doing homework to reminisce of his sister's birth, "She was the only baby I've ever seen who came out smiling."
"Well, of course. That was my victor day. The fruition of my deeply-laid plan to escape from that fat lady's cursed ovarian bastille and bring peace to this horrible world!" Susie explained to her father and brother, then ordered Lewis. "Now return the device, my good sir!"
"I said no toys, Susie." Lewis repeated, as he puts the device in a cabinet.
"Very well, then. Mark my words, when you least expect it, your uppance will come!" Susie threatened him, narrowing her eyes menacingly at him.
"Kids, I just don't know if I like the idea of your mother having a girls night." Lewis said.
"Relax, dad." Mel reassured his dad. "It's just a bunch of ladies getting together watching Grey's Anatomy and eating bon-bons."
"And they probably experiment." Christy chuckled.
"Christy, you're 13. Don't talk like that." Lewis told his daughter, picked up on her innuendo.
"Dad, can I turn the heat up?" Mel asked as he got up and walked to the thermostat next to the door. "It's kinda cold in here."
"Cold in here? Its room temperature, it's just fine. Don't touch the thermostat, Mel." Lewis said.
"Oh come on, what's the point of having one of these if we can't use it? The thing goes up to 90. Let me just move it a little-" Mel replied as he barely turned the dial when Lewis grabbed his hand.
"Don't. Touch. The thermostat!" Lewis growled, tightening his grip on Mel's wrist.
"Alright, I'm sorry! Jeez!" Mel said, rubbing his wrist after Lewis let go. Immediately, a man came in from the back door. "Hey, Lewis, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?"
"Yeah, it's alright." Lewis said to the man.
"Hey, is my kid over here?" said a black man (Cleveland Brown) who then entered the scene.
"Forget it! False alarm!" The first man said. Then another possible father came up from behind the other two dads.
"Man, how did they know? And what thing?" Mel questioned.
"Brain implant, Mel. Every father has one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial." Lewis told his son.
"Evening, family." Pamela enters the kitchen, and comes give Lewis a hug and kiss. "Hello, handsome."
"Get a room, you two." Mel quipped, rolling his eyes at his parents' display as he sits back down.
Ellie then enters the kitchen herself. "Hey, Pamela, it's 7:00 and you've still got your bra on. What's the occasion?"
"It's girls night, remember?" Lewis answered, unhappy about it, since he crossed his arms.
"Oh that's right." Ellie said, remembering Pamela's plans for tonight. "When are you leaving?"
"In about 15 minutes." Pamela answered. Then she heard her husband sighing. "Now don't start, Lewis. You know how hard I work to provide for my family, so I deserve to have a little fun with the girls." Pamela explained, trying to convince him about letting her go.
"By fun, you're usually drinking and always come home late or as a mess." Lewis said to Pamela, hoping she'd see his point.
"Oh, you're worried too much." Pamela told him, trying to get him to relax. "And besides, alcohol doesn't affect me."
"Yeah? Remember when you got drunk off the Communion wine at church?" Lewis asked Pamela, reminding her that this sort of thing had happened before.
Cutaway Gag #2
At a church, a pastor was giving a sermon to everyone. "And so The Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body." The pastor said.
"Oh God" The Lord himself, who's sitting down, cringed as he's listening to the pastor. "I hate it when he tells this story."
The pastor continued his sermon. "Yet miraculously, Job was still able to retain his dignity." While the pastor was talking, Pamela was taking a rather big sip from the Communion cup she was allowed to drink, then she coughed.
"Is that really the blood of Christ?" Pamela asked the pastor, now intoxicated.
The pastor answered, "Yes."
"Wow, he must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?" Pamela drunkenly remarked.
End
Lewis continued his point. "And then there was that time at the ice cream store."
Cutaway Gag #3
The Griffins were inside an ice cream parlor, each family member and Ellie have their own scoop of ice cream. Lewis is wearing a baby-carrier pouch vest to carry Susie so he can hold his own scoop.
"Yum, Butter Rum's my favorite." Pamela exclaimed at her ice cream. As she takes a single lick, she passes out on a nearby table.
End
Ellie emerges from underneath the table and furthers Lewis's example. "And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?"
Cutaway Gag #4
The Griffins were at a movie theater crying like the other moviegoers, whilst Pamela seemingly observing something about the movie they were watching. She then realized the subject as she claps her hands together and says "I know! That's Tom Hanks from Big." Christy and Lewis turned their heads towards Pamela in slight annoyance. "Aw, that Tom Hanks is so hilarious. Everything he says is a stitch." Pamela continued.
Then on the screen, it showed the said actor saying "I have AIDS." Pamela then bursted out laughing at what he said, believing it to be a joke. Lewis gave her a very mad look on his face.
End
"Promise me, Pamela." Lewis said in irritants, hoping she would.
"Lewis, honey, I promise. Not a drop of alcohol is gonna touch these lips tonight." Pamela proclaimed.
Immediately, a drunk Pamela laughs with her equally-drunk gal pals, holding beer bottles, and singing "I Touch Myself" by Divinyls that's playing on the radio. Her friends are all thin and curvaceous. Two of them are Caucasians - one has black chin-length hair, and wears a blue shirt, black tight pants, and brown high-heels; and the other is a blonde bobcut in a pink buttoned T-shirt, blue jeans, and white high-heels, and wearing pearl earrings. One is a short brown-haired Latina, wearing a red shirt, tight maroon pants, and red high-heels. One is African-American with a boyish hairstyle, wearing a purple T-shirt, gray pants, black high-heels, and gold hoop earrings.
Pamela was sobber enough to feel guilty about breaking her promise to Lewis, which she then told her friends. "You know girls, I kinda feel bad. I promise my husband I wouldn't drink."
"Pam, honey, you can't let some man tell you what to do!" The African-American woman said, moving her head from side-to-side. Then she offers Pamela another bottle.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." Pamela said, no longer feeling guilty and resumes drinking.
The next morning, the Griffins are having breakfast on Pamela, who's lying drunk on the table, but is starting to wake up.
"Mel, finish your pancakes." Lewis said as he was pouring himself coffee, then he takes a seat in his chair. "Christy, elbows off your mother."
"Thanks, Christy." Pamela said.
"Hey, dad, bacon's great." Mel said to Lewis, "Where's the juice?"
"Between her legs." Ellie informed him, while pointing to where the orange juice is.
"Jeez, Pamela, 37 beers?" Lewis said to his wife. "You're really setting a great example for the kids."
"Yeah, a new family record! You go, mom!" Christy said.
"Christy, don't encourage your mother." Lewis scolded, then turns his attention back to his wife. "I honestly can't believe you, Pamela! You spend the night at the kitchen table and you're still drunk!"
"I'm sorry, honey, are you mad?"
"No, I'm just disappoint-" He was cut off by the snap of one of his chair's legs and ended up on the floor.
"Dad, are you alright?" Mel asked with concern.
Lewis got back up, assuring everyone that he's okay. "Hmm, this chair leg was loose. Strange, huh? I could've broken my neck." Lewis said, after surveying the chair leg.
"Damn." Susie bitterly replied after Lewis said that, indicating that she was the cause of it.
"Look, honey, I'm really sorry. But I have to go now, I'm late for work." Pamela told Lewis.
"Alright. But we're not done with this conversation." Lewis stated.
"Okay, bye." Pamela then passed out rolling off the table face first, along with the family's breakfast.
Pamela went to her workplace, the Happy-Go-Lucky toy factory. Pamela's boss, Mr. Weed, was checking up on his workers' progress. He noticed Pamela was asleep behind a conveyer belt that had different types of toys going by on it. "Pamela!" He yelled, waking up Pamela who stuttered. "Huh, what? Oh, hi, Mr. Weed." She sees a very upset Mr. Weed. "Are you sleeping on the job?"
Pamela tried to convince him. "Uh, no. There's, uhh, a bug in my eye and I was tryin' to suffocate it."
Mr. Weed then went easy on Pamela. "Pamela, I like you. But I need you to be more than just eye candy around here. It's your job to watch for any toy products that could be hazardous to children. Now look sharp!"
"Yes, sir." Pamela replied quickly. As Mr. Weed left, Pamela went back to sleep, where after one row of what were innocent playthings became a mini-gallery of lethal weapons, such as a knife, a power socket, a tank of gasoline, etc.
Author's Notes:
Cleveland Brown was one of the dads with brain implants in the unaired pilot, while he was replaced by a random black guy in the finished episode.
In the 4th cutaway gag, Lewis sits on Pamela's right and Christy sits on her left, like Larry's wife and son Milton (who looks like Chris) in the "Life of Larry" short, where they also went to see Philadelphia.
The look of Pamela's blonde friend resembles Lois Griffin's earlier design in the unaired pilot.
The scene where a drunk Pamela sings with her gals is inspired by a similar scene from the first episode of Duncanville.