The next day, Pamela was summoned into Mr. Weed's office. She didn't know why he seemed mad until he turned on his TV, showing the news reporting on the damage she inadvertently caused. Having seen enough, Mr. Weed, ashamed and outraged, turned off the TV and turned to Pamela.
"Pamela, I'm appalled. Your negligence has ruin this company's reputation. You're fired!" Mr. Weed shouted.
"What? For how long?" Pamela asked, confused it for something else.
That night back home, Pamela told her family the news of what happened.
"You got fired?!" Lewis exclaimed.
"Way to go, mom! Fight the power!" Christy rooted for her mom.
"How do you know about the power I'm trying to harness?!" Susie questioned Christy in paranoia.
"Pamela, this is because you got drunk at girls night." Lewis said.
"I know." She sighed. "You're right, honey. I hope my drinking didn't affect Christy when I first got pregnant with her."
"Well I'm off, the girls and I are gonna get wasted." Christy gets up and leaves the room.
"Okay, look both ways, sweetie." Pamela said, convinced that her daughter turned out fine.
"Well, with you now unemployed, I guess I'll have to get my old full-time job-" He was cut off when a blue laser suddenly zoomed passed right in front of him, catching everyone else's attention. "What the hell was that?" Everyone looked at Susie, who was holding what appeared to be a sandwich with a gunpoint at the opposite of Susie's face. "What the deuce are you staring at? It's tuna fish." Susie told everyone as the gunpoint rolled into the sandwich. "I have nothing else."
It was midway, and Pamela is sitting on the couch watching TV with Christy.
"Oh Christy, this is terrible! I have to find a way to get money." Pamela told her daughter. "I've already been to two jobs this week. I got fired off of that commercial."
Cutaway Gag #1
Pamela is auditioning to be Sonny, the Cocoa Puffs mascot, with little success.
"Let's try it again." The director said.
Pamela gets it wrong. "I'm caca for Cuckoo Puffs!"
"No, damn it! Take 26!" The director yelled, aggravated by Pamela's repeated mistake.
End
Pamela continued about her job search. "Then I had that job as the sneeze guard for the salad bar at that restaurant."
Cutaway Gag #2
At the restaurant Pamela mentioned, an old woman is about to sneeze at a salad bar, but Pamela, in a uniform, pulls out a gun and points it directly at the old woman. "Take it outside, ma'am." Pamela informed the woman.
End
Pamela then ended her statement. "And then I thought I could win some money at that talent show."
Cutaway Gag #3
We are shown the scene from The Sound of Music, where the announncer is giving out the results.
"And the grand prize goes to the Von Trapp Family Singers!" The announcer revealed.
"Oh, that is bull-" The last part was drowned out by the roaring applause of the crowd.
A German man later comes in and tells everyone, "They're gone!"
"Alright!" Pamela exclaimed.
End
"Well maybe dad should be the one with a job for a change." Christy suggested, taking her eyes off the TV for a moment.
"Look, I know Lewis is trying to do what's right, but I need to show him that I can provide for the family. I mean, I already showed him that I couldn't stand up to that tank in Tiananmen Square." Pamela told Christy, bringing up another time she failed Lewis at.
Cutaway Gag #4
This takes place at the Tiananmen Square event in 1989. The government tanks are rolling down the street, where Pamela is next to the lone man who attempts to stop the tanks. After looking back and forth frantically between the man and thanks, Pamela says "What am I doing here?! I was just going to buy some tea!" Then she ran away.
End
"There's gotta some easy job that plays a lot of money."
Pamela realize Christy may be right. "Maybe there is..."
Later that evening, Mel, Ellie and Susie joined Lewis on a drive around town.
"Hey dad, has mom found a permanent job yet?" Mel asked Lewis.
"Son, your mother's going through a bit of a career transition. She's just sampling a few things, searching for someething that fits her just right." Lewis said as everyone in the gasped at what they saw.
"Clearly it's not that tube top." Ellie said as they see Pamela has become a cheap hooker.
"Hey, lookin' for a good time, sweetcheeks?" Pamela asked Lewis, as she casually leans on Ellie's open window.
"Holy crap!" Mel said while he and Susie stare at their mom in shock.
"Pamela, what the hell is this?" A flabbergasted Lewis asked.
"My job." Pamela explained. "I thought I'd make some quick money this way."
"Get in the car!" Lewis ordered.
"Okay, but it's gonna cost ya." Pamela said. "What do ya want, a Cleveland Steamer?"
"I said get in- what's a Cleveland Steamer?" Lewis said until he was confused about the Cleveland Steamer.
"It means that she'll-" Ellie tried to explain until Pamela cut her off.
"Whoa, whoa! The fuzz are here." Pamela said, as a police car drives by. "Yeah, go to Mable Street. Take a left and..." Pamela said as she fakes giving them directions until the cops are gone. "So you wanna party or what? Time is money."
"GET INSIDE THIS CAR RIGHT NOW!" Lewis shouted.
Susie looks between Pamela in her hooker getup and Mel. "Eerie, isn't it? It's like lookin' into the future."
"What?" Mel asked, not getting what Susie means.
Ellie was sitting on the couch watching TV when Lewis, Pamela (still in her hooker clothes), Ellie, Mel, and Susie returned home. Lewis dragged Pamela to the kitchen were they argued over Pamela's job choice, since he doesn't like the idea of his wife having sex with other men for money. Soon, Pamela walked out of the kitchen and sat next to Ellie, looking despondent.
"So how did it go?" Ellie asked rhetorically.
"This sucks, Ellie. Now Lewis thinks I'm completely incompetent and decided to go out looking for a job himself. Where does that leave me?"
"Well you'll have to figure it out, Pamela. Otherwise, your unemployment is gonna dry up soon and they'll start repossessing the house. You really oughta think about your family's welfare." Ellie tells Pamela.
"You know, Ellie? You're right!" Pamela exclaimed.
Pamela excitedly returns home with her new welfare check. Mel, Christy, and Ellie were at the front porch.
"Our money problems are over. We're officially on welfare." Pamela told everyone.
"How much are we getting?" Ellie asked.
"$150 a week." Pamela exclaimed.
Mel takes a closer took at the check, adjusting his glasses. "Wait, that's a comma, not a decimal." He pointed out.
Pamela removed her thumb, revealing that they're really getting $150,000.
"Uh-oh." Pamela replied.
Back at the house, Lewis was sitting in the kitchen talking on the phone.
"No, I haven't seen Pamela all afternoon." Lewis said on the phone, "I just got back from work-"
Suddenly, arrows hit the side of the chair Lewis was sitting on, exactly a few feet away from him. He then notices Susie behind where he was looking at.
"Susie, why don't you go play in the living room?" Lewis told Susie.
Susie steps out fromm behind the table. "Why don't you burn in Hell?!" The toddler yelled back.
"No dessert for you, young lady." Lewis scold Susie for raising her voice.
Somewhere else in the neighborhood, Pamela was acknowledging how much money the government gave her, whist Ellie was squatting next to a fire hydrant to urinate.
"Wow! Who would've thought a girls' night out would get me $150,000 a week from the government?" Pamela excitedly said.
"Pamela, you might want to call them." Ellie told Pamela, "Someone must have made a mistake with the check. It's way too much money."
"Well, maybe not." Pamela suggested. "Maybe I'm like their one-millionth customer or something."
"So you plan to spend it all in one week?" Ellie questioned.
"Yeah..." Pamela said a bit nervous.
"On what?" Ellie asked.
Lewis gasped at the sight of what's on their front lawn. "Oh my god, Pam, you bought the Statue of David?"
"No, I just rented it. But they're gonna be very mad, the penis broke off while shipped to our house." Pamela explained, then threw the broken-off piece into the distance...
...and somehow crashed through the window in her former boss' house, and landed right in front of him as he was sitting in his living room.
"I shall call you, Eduardo." Mr. Weed declared, then kissed it.
Back to the Griffins...
"Pam, how could we afford this?" Lewis asked.
"You wouldn't believe it, dad! Mom's get-" Christy tried to say, but was cut off by her mother.
"I just won $150,000 from a mail-order contest. I wanted to surprise you." Pamela quickly said before Christy finished.
"Really? That's great, Pamela!" Lewis said in excitement.
"But mom, I thought-" Christy almost blew it again.
"Yep, I can give my kids a huge allowance just for keeping their mouths shut." Pamela interrupted, this time bribing Christy. "Now, get ready kids, I want to give my family the most expensive dinner they've ever had."
The Griffins are now in a fancy restaurant, all dressed up nicely and looking at their menus.
"Wow, I never thought I'd be eating at a place like this." Lewis said. A waiter walks up between Lewis and Pamela.
"Are you ready to order?" The waiter asked the family.
"Yes, we are. You'll go first, Pam." Lewis said.
"Okay, I'd like the zesty chicken fa-ji-tas, please." Pamela said.
"I beg your pardon?" The waiter asked confusingly.
"The zesty chicken fa-ji-tas." Pamela repeated.
"And I'll have the so-sauge with peppers and onions, please?" Ellie said afterwards.
The next day, Pamela has everyone gathered in the living room.
"Pamela, what's the big surprise?!" Lewis asked Pamela.
"Lewis, you know how I always treat you like a king?" Pamela questioned, "Well, now I got you your own jester." She then claps her hands to summon Lewis' jester... Jerry Seinfeld.
"Hey, guys. It's good to be here in New England." Seinfeld said as he walked out of the kitchen in a jester outfit. "And what's the deal with 'New' England, anyway? It's over 200 years old! Last time I checked, that's not that new."
Everyone laughed when suddenly the phone rang. Lewis picks it up.
"Did you blow all your money yet?" A female voice asked.
"No, mom." Lewis answered in a deadpan tone.
"Okay, call us when you blow all your money. Love you, son." Lewis' mom hung up.
The family are at the Quahog Hospital. Pamela, Lewis, Christy, Susie and Ellie are sitting at the waiting room because Mel is having laser eye surgery. Something that he wanted for a long time.
"I don't know, Pamela, I don't think laser surgery is safe." Lewis said.
"It's okay, sweetie. I made good money to make sure it all goes well." Pamela reassures Lewis.
Just then, their family doctor, Elmer Hartman, comes out of the room and said, "It was a success!" he exclaimed.
Mel comes out, without his glasses. "Wow, everything is so clear! I feel like myself!" Then he noticed something. "Wow, Christy, you look prettier than ever."
"Aww, thanks, Mel!" Christy gave her brother a hug. She's was given a makeover, just like she always wanted, thanks to her mom's money. She's wearing a pink dress and pink platform sandals, with gold hoop earrings, a gold necklace and makeup; she ditched her cap. While Lewis was initially against the makeover, he relented since it made his daughter very happy.
A tired-looking mailwoman walked up to Lewis who's mowing the lawn. "When did you get a pool?" she asked in a gruff voice. Lewis turned off his lawnmower to answer.
"It's a moat. I know it's silly... but my wife thinks our family needs extra protection now that... we're rich."
"Does it work?" The mailwoman asked.
"Well, it does keep the Black Knight at bay." Lewis said, pointing at a knight in black armor. His horse sputtering near the moat.
"Congratulations in all your success. Here's your welfare check." The mailwoman handed Lewis an envelope from her bag.
"My what?" Lewis opens it up and took out the check. "What the-" The last word in Lewis' exclamation was drowned out when a foghorn suddenly went off. The kids were waterskiing while Pamela was driving the boat, and Ellie in the passenger seat.
"Hi, honey." Pamela smiled and giving Lewis a salute. But he noticed Lewis is giving her the 'look'. "What wrong?"
In the living room, which was now decorated with fancy stuff, Pamela and an unhappy Lewis are sitting in the couch. Pamela was talking with Lewis, who has his arms and legs crossed and not looking at her.
"I know what I did was wrong, but I saw this as our ticket to the good life. I did it for you and the kids." Pamela explained. "Except for the jukebox in the bathroom. That's for me. I always wanted to listen to music while in the shower."
"Yeah, thanks to the American taxpayers." Lewis sneered, waving the check in his fist. "I can't believe you pulled this crap. I am so mad I can't see straight."
"No problem. We got money to get that fixed... with enough left for us to buy our way out of any trouble our kids might get into. Just like the Kennedys."
"First you got fired for drinking, and now this! I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Pam. The woman I married would never think she could fix a problem... just by spending money!" Lewis then storms out of the living room.
"I've never seen him this mad." Pamela told Ellie.
"Yeah, I never would have guessed welfare fraud sets him off." Ellie said sarcastically.
"What's the point of listening to 'Surfin' Bird' while scrubbing your back if your husband's mad at you?" Pamela asked.
"Pamela, you may have to return that money to the taxpayers." Ellie suggested.
"You're right, but I gotta make sure Lewis knows I'm doing it." Pamela said. "I need an event with thousands of people. Something that everybody cares about. Ellie... we might have to leave Rhode lsland for this."
"Why?" Ellie questioned, raising an eyebrow.
At a football stadium that's currently hosting the Super Bowl.
"The air is electric here at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight! Pat, it's safe to say that all these fans came out here... to watch a game of football!" The host John Madden said.
"John, we're in commercial." Co-anchor Pat Summerall reminded.
Yeah, I know. I'm just making conversation. Come on. Football!" Madden told Pat.
Just then, a blimp reading "I'M SO SORRY, LEWIS" is being flown above the stadium. Inside the deck was Pamela, piloting the blimp, and Ellie.
"Amazing. You can barely drive a car. Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?" Ellie asked.
"Yeah, god bless America. But not the South." Pamela then pulled out a bag containing the rest of the welfare money. "Oh dear, I hope Lewis is watching." Pamela said, as she started throwing money out of the bag she was holding. "Okay, taxpayers, here you go!"
The dollar bills began to float swiftly to the stadium ground below, quickly grabbing everyone's attention.
"Looks like we're getting some rain here tonight, John." Pat said to Madden.
"Yeah." Madden said, but then quickly realized. "Hey, wait a second! This is no ordinary rain! It's some kind of crazy money rain!"
"I'm being told it's a woman and her dog throwing cash out of a blimp." Pat informed.
The bag was now empty. "I really hope this works." Pamela worriedly said. "Otherwise, I'm gonna have to start dropping these." Pamela holds up a spiked ball that also says "I'M SO SORRY, LEWIS" like the blimp.
Meanwhile on the ground below, the crowds were storming the field for the money. Each person hoping to grab enough they can carry. Some were even fighting over it.
"The crowd is storming the field! This is pandemonium!" Madden exclaimed. "Have you ever seen anything like this, Pat?" He asked his partner, but turns to find Pat's seat empty. "Pat?"
Pat came running back, with some money stuffed into his suit, and quickly replied. "Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl. This is the old 'trying to make amends... for spending $150,000 a week in misappropriated welfare funds' play."
"I don't care what it is!" Madden shouted. "That broad's ruining a perfectly good game of football! Madden to Fox Security." He then said to the two security guards below.
"Go ahead." One of the guards said.
"Take them down!" Madden ordered.
"Yes, sir." The same guard replied. He then takes out a gun hanging above a sigh that reads "Just One Gun" and then fires multiple shots at the blimp.
Author's Notes:
Like Lois in the unaired pilot, Lewis was told about his spouse being fired right away.
Lewis' line about getting his old full-time job and getting a call from one of his parents came from "Lottery Fever".
The part where Pamela becomes a hooker is based on a similar scene from "Mr. Saturday Knight".
Lewis believing laser eye surgery isn't safe is a reference to a scene in "When You Wish Upon a Weinstein".
I felt obligated to mention "Surfin' Bird".