Sarek watched the radiant, multicolored gas giant turn on its axis in the space just beyond the portal. Jupiter was a fairly typical Class J planet, much like the two found in his native system, but he felt he was seeing something he once might have considered ordinary with new eyes.
He tucked his hands behind his back and exhaled slowly, torn between his desire to meditate and his interest in returning to the warm bed where Amanda lay sprawled naked beneath the blankets. Mating with her had been pleasurable, but melding with her had been something else entirely.
He could feel her in his soul, down to the very essence of his being, or at least it seemed so. He could not wrap his mind around the nature of their bond. It was nearly impossible to understand what he was feeling because he was not accustomed to feeling anything. He also strongly suspected his intense affection for her was clouding his ability to objectively analyze the link he'd formed with her just hours ago. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate.
Hours ago, he'd conceded that he cared for her, or perhaps even more than that, held especially warm regard for her. He didn't question his physical attraction to Amanda Grayson, nor did he doubt his preference for her company. But at what point did fondness end and love begin? Was it correct to say he loved her? Did it matter if he loved her?
His initial thought was that a legitimate relationship between them would be too complicated to be worth pursuing. She was much younger than he was, but even so, he would outlive her by decades. Also, their backgrounds were so different as to be contradictory. He hailed from one of Vulcan's oldest and most prominent families and a human wife would never be accepted publicly. His mother and brother might acknowledge her privately, welcome her, even, but he was certain his father never would.
And what of her and her family? He knew her mother was deceased but he knew nothing of her father. Would he view Sarek the same way Sarek's family would view Amanda? What would become of any children they had, born between worlds, half-human and half-Vulcan but not truly belonging anywhere? Should they be raised after their father in the tradition of logic, or after their mother and allowed to be slaves to their emotions?
He understood her well enough to know she would never surrender her human emotions and yield to logic, and he respected the Vulcan concept of infinite diversity in infinite combinations enough to know he should appreciate her humanity and not wish to see it changed. Besides, he had fallen in love with her despite her emotions and if she were to change that, she would no longer be the woman he'd fallen in love with.
Then it occurred to him that he no longer lived on a planet where outsiders were treated with suspicion. Earth was much more liberal and open-minded on subjects such as interspecies marriage. He had already toyed with the idea of abandoning Vulcan and briefly fantasized about giving up logic, and though he doubted he could ever live as Vedek lived, he was free to apply to become a citizen of Earth.
If he could finally admit to himself that he didn't intend to return to Vulcan, several of his concerns would evaporate. Yes, he would be late in following Amanda to the grave, but without family obligations, he would be free to marry whom he chose and he wanted to choose her. Everything else was trivial. They could arrive at some compromise on how to co-exist with differing ideologies. She would retain her humanity, he would continue to navigate his changing beliefs about logic, and they would define their own happiness.
"Sarek?"
He pivoted on his heel to discover Amanda sitting up in bed, the sheet pulled up to conceal her breasts. "What is it?" he asked.
"Is everything okay?"
"I was merely reflecting on several matters."
She gave him a pale smile and slid out of bed, wrapping the sheet around her body to transform it into a makeshift dress. She waddled toward him on legs hobbled by fabric and nudged herself under his left arm and prompting him to embrace her. "Good morning." Her warm breath tickled his bare chest.
"It is past 2300 on Sunday evening, so I do not believe it is correct to say good morning," he explained, craning his neck to see her face.
Rather than respond verbally, she nestled her cheek on his sternum and turned to observe Jupiter alongside him. He rested his head atop hers and forgot his other cares, preferring to honor her display of affection with silence. As Jupiter began to duck out of view, Amanda glanced up and asked, "If it's still the middle of the night, can I interest you in coming back to bed?"
"I am not tired," he confessed.
She grinned. "I didn't plan on sleeping."
He met her eyes. "You are insinuating we should mate again?"
"Why not? I liked it. Didn't you?"
Sarek considered her proposal. Vulcans occasionally mated outside of pon farr to strengthen marital bonds and produce children outside of their biologically pre-determined cycles, but mating multiple times in a single a day implied a certain lack of self-discipline. From his infancy he'd been groomed for a life of control and self-denial, but now that he was on the verge of casting off many of his Vulcan inhibitions in favor of adopting Earth as his new permanent home, he reasoned it would be acceptable to do as the humans did and mate whenever the mood overtook him. He greatly enjoyed it and it was an honor that she would agree to share her body with him.
Their second coupling was less disordered and disjointed than the first. At first, he tried to pull himself atop her just as they'd done before, but she turned to the side, refusing to cede dominance. She pushed him onto his back and straddled him, running her palms over the lines of his body. Despite agreeing to mate with him only moments ago, she continued to slap away any effort he made to initiate sexual intercourse in favor of exploring his body with her hands and landing light kisses on his lips.
That was how Sarek learned not to underestimate human self-control, or to overestimate Vulcan willpower. When she finally yielded to him, they moved at her pace, slow and purposeful to an almost maddening degree. As frustrating as it was, it was also delicious and captivating and he couldn't get enough of it. The moment she permitted him to touch her face and bond with her, the mood shifted into frenzy.
When they were finally free of the built-up tension and reduced to a pair of sweating, quivering bodies, Amanda collapsed beside him and he wrapped his left arm tightly around her. He loved her. His brain was flooded with chemical signals and his stomach felt tight. He loved her so much it was causing physical symptoms he couldn't ignore.
Of course, there was that other pressing matter he couldn't ignore. They would return to Earth in a matter of hours, back to their daily lives and the threat of logic extremists. He wondered if now was an appropriate time to relay his concerns to her, while she was so relaxed and happy and curled against his body. He considered that now that they were mates, perhaps it would be appropriate to ask her to move in with him where he could protect her more easily. Even still, he couldn't be with her at all times. They still led independent lives.
"Computer, lights," Sarek said, uttering a small sigh. Overhead lights bathed the room with dim, yellow light.
"Is something wrong?" Amanda asked, weaving her fingers between his to hold his hand in a display of incredible tenderness and eroticism.
"I was merely thinking of what tomorrow would bring."
"I have to go back to school tomorrow," she groaned. "I wish we could just be like this all the time."
He sensed regret and incredible anxiety growing within her. How surprising that he could already detect her emotions so easily through their bond. "Explain."
"Honestly, I was never very comfortable in pretending to date you," she mumbled. "Now that we've gotten to know each other better, what if we just dated for real?"
Sarek hesitated, caught off guard by the illogical assumption he'd made in thinking that if Amanda was willing to mate with him, she was also consenting to be his bonded mate. He detected her anxiety was climbing higher. "But only if you want."
"That would be acceptable," he replied mechanically, wondering what the term dating actually implied.
She nibbled at her bottom lip and then reached up to kiss him. He briefly wondered if she was attempting to mate for a third time, but she withdrew and propped herself up on her elbow. "Okay, so that's settled."
"How should we proceed? Will you come live with me in my apartment?" he asked. He had intended to continue his line of questioning by asking when she would feel prepared to formally marry him, but she cut him off.
"You want to move in together?" She didn't bother to conceal her surprise. "You don't think that's…hasty?"
Sarek blinked. Everything about the past forty-eight hours had been rash and hasty, beginning with their expedition to Io Station and ending with him penetrating her. He knew so little of human customs in these matters and he set to work recalibrating his decision to propose formally marrying her.
Amanda's face fell. "I don't mean to make it seem like I don't like you. I really do. I only want to get to know you better before we commit to something more serious."
He wanted to ask what could be considered more serious than mating and bonding with one another but he held his tongue. He considered that in addition to considering her his mate, even if she rejected the concept in a legal or formal sense, he also desired that she should move in so he could protect her. He shifted strategy. "Vedek appears to have occupied your room on a semi-permanent basis. I wished to offer you space in my apartment for your own comfort."
Amanda frowned. "I wouldn't mind getting away from Vedek and Mara."
"Then stay with me. You may have my bedroom for your own privacy, or I could acquire larger quarters with separate bedrooms."
She rested her hand on his forearm and smiled. "Let's not get too carried away. Tell you what, if Vedek is in my room when we get back, I'll come stay the night with you."
Sarek nodded. It was a temporary concession that permitted him to experience temporary relief and satisfaction. He considered broaching the subject of the logic extremists, but she sat up and kissed him softly on the mouth. She was so content and he couldn't bear to spoil her sense of security, especially since they weren't due to return to Earth for eight more hours.
"You really don't have to walk me to class, you know," she teased. "It was nice enough that you dropped me off on campus."
"It is my honor," he replied. "And I do not have to return to work until tomorrow. I was free to escort you."
"I didn't really need an escort but I don't mind the company," she said with a wry grin. She pointed to the impressive multi-storied building looming across the street and added, "Well, my physics lecture is in that building over there."
He offered a small nod. "I suppose we should part ways now."
"For now." She smiled. "I want to thank you again for the best weekend of my life."
He gave her a mildly quizzical look. "You have been alive for 989 weekends. How can you objectively judge this weekend as the best?"
Her natural instinct was to ask how he'd figured out her exact age in weeks in a matter of seconds, but she supposed she already knew the answer. It was simple. He was Vulcan. "I had no idea I was 989 weeks old. Interesting." She leaned forward and began to balance on her toes to kiss him, but to her surprise, he pulled away. "What's wrong?"
Sarek glanced around at the streams of people flooding the sidewalks and zigzagging across campus. "We are in a public place."
"I wasn't going to shove my tongue down your throat or anything," she mumbled, fighting back feelings of admonishment.
He lowered his voice and replied, "It is not that I have no desire to kiss you, I am merely unaccustomed to such gross displays of emotion in public."
"Vulcans don't kiss in public?"
"As a general rule, no."
"So you just…shoot the Vulcan salute and say 'see you later' or something?"
He focused his gaze on her and lifted his right hand, extending the first two fingers. "On my world, there is a practice known as ozh'esta."
She watched him with curious eyes. "What does that mean?"
"Do as I do," he urged. She lifted her right hand and held out two fingers.
He touched their fingertips together, then gently caressed her knuckles. It tickled, yet it was also strangely sensual. She watched with mesmerized eyes as he traced his fingers around hers. "This is what you do instead of kissing?" she breathed.
He dropped his hand and tucked it behind his back. "It is considered a socially acceptable form of displaying affection among my people."
Amanda held her fingers up for closer inspection. They were still tingling but the feeling was quickly fading away. "That was interesting."
"Your class is beginning soon," he reminded her. "I do not want you to be late."
She scowled. "Fine. See you tonight?"
"I had thought you agreed to come over only if Vedek was occupying your room?"
"You know he will be," Amanda moaned. "But somehow, I don't mind if he's there as much as I would have a few days ago."
It might have just been Amanda's imagination, but the tips of his ears seemed a darker shade of green. "Then you will stay with me tonight regardless of what Vedek will do?"
"If that's okay with you. I'll need to go back to my room after work and get some stuff. Anyway, I'll be late for physics class if I don't get moving."
"Then I will let you be on your way," Sarek replied.
She resisted the urge to kiss him goodbye and instead gave him a smile and a little wave before darting across the street. She had the sense that he watched her progress until she entered the building.
Her physics lecture somehow seemed to fly by and drag on simultaneously. Her mind refused to focus for more than a few minutes. Even so, she marveled at her increasing competency in physics and her growing ability to follow along with the professor. Yet that only made her thoughts turn back to the man who'd unlocked the mysteries of this particular branch of science for her in the first place. What would it be like, to be as smart as Sarek and just be able to understand this stuff without remedial tutoring? Or better yet, what would it be like to have his steadfast focus and discipline? She grinned, trying to imagine him in college back on Vulcan, his head propped up in his hand like hers was now, tuning out of lecture to ponder the opposite sex.
As the class turned toward a review of electromagnetic radiation, she found herself drifting further into daydreaming about her new boyfriend. What a strange word boyfriend was. There was nothing really boyish about Sarek—he was a fully-grown man, never given to whimsy or fun. He was so unlike anyone she could ever imagine falling for and yet, after just one weekend away together, she wanted to move in with him.
Perhaps some of her desire to cohabitate had to do with wanting to be away from Vedek and Mara's mess and impulsivity, but she couldn't deny that when he'd made the offer to move in together, she'd nearly blurted out an enthusiastic affirmative reply. She wanted to be with him in every way and felt so fully attuned to him that it was disconcerting, but she also wanted to be reasonable. They hardly knew each other and didn't dating rules demand some initial aloofness? Better to play it cool and avoid appearing too eager.
And yet…she'd agreed to stay over tonight. Goosebumps prickled the flesh of her arms as she thought about their alcohol-inspired, impromptu tryst in Jupiter's orbit. There was nothing stopping them from reenacting those sexual exploits later that evening. She glanced at the time on her PADD and realized that five hours still stood between her and Sarek's apartment and just like that, time stood still and the class slogged on through eternity.
But it did eventually come to an end and rather than head back to her room to change after the lecture, she decided to head straight to the learning center and relieve the day shift an hour early. She waved at Nicoletta at the front desk as she strode toward the back, but just as she rounded the corner, Adam popped his head out of his office, startling her.
"Hey Adam, how's it been today?"
"Fine," he replied, furrowing his brow. "Can I speak with you?"
"Sure," she shrugged. "What's up?"
He stole a glance back at Nicoletta and replied, "I meant privately."
She slinked into his office, closing the door behind her as she tried to glean his mood from his mostly neutral, slightly stern expression. He wasted no time in cutting to the chase.
"I really could have used your help on Saturday. I had to turn away some last-minute drop offs because we didn't have the minimum number of staff."
"I'm sorry," she replied, not certain that she really was.
"You used to be such a team player," he continued.
"I still am," she snapped.
"Lately you've been slipping. Distracted, even."
Her face went from warm to boiling as she fought to keep her words as professional as possible. "Last Saturday was the first time I had ever said no when you asked me to work on short notice."
"I realize that," Adam replied.
"Do you? Do you really? I've sacrificed schoolwork and studying to be here with less than an hour's notice more times than I can remember. I worked all through my spring break. And the one time I take a Saturday off—a Saturday I was scheduled to be off, I might add—you say I'm not a team player?"
Adam's face began to falter, giving Amanda a sense of satisfaction. There was no question she had the moral high ground here.
"I just worry that your boyfriend is starting to interfere—"
"Do you have a problem with my boyfriend?" she interrupted, irritated with Adam while also secretly giddy at calling Sarek her boyfriend out loud for the first time since he'd become her official rather than fake boyfriend.
Adam's mouth hung open and began to make silent syllables, clearly desperate to form the next words he spoke carefully. "Look, you're young, you're in love, and I'm happy for you. But don't lose focus on work and school over some guy."
"You're my boss and I respect you for that, but I don't really think it's your place to be telling me how to handle my personal life."
"I know I'm your boss, but I thought I was your friend also. And I'm saying this as a friend."
Amanda stared at the slightly pained features of his face, marveling at how just a few short weeks ago, she had laid awake at night fantasizing about being his girlfriend. Her heart would have sung a rousing chorus of joy at him showing genuine interest in her happiness, but when viewed through the lens of the present, his concern seemed to be coming from a place of pettiness and self-interest.
He had taken Amanda's fanatical work ethic for granted because he had been so in love with his Vulcan girlfriend that everything else in his life had taken a backseat, but now that he'd been unceremoniously dumped, he had time to care about work again. He had time to notice Amanda existed, but she no longer cared if he noticed or not.
"If that was all you had to say, I'm going to go help Sarah in the toddler room," she said. She'd wanted to add, "Unless you think I'll be 'too distracted' daydreaming about my boyfriend, in which case you should just fire me now" but even through her anger, she could still see the boundaries of professionalism.
He gave a half-hearted gesture toward the door and she left without another word, doing her best to conceal her shaking hands as she reached for the doorknob. Unlike a physics lecture, toddlers didn't give her as much leeway to daydream, and the next four hours were a busy hum of giggles and tantrums, interrupted by dinner and the occasional potty break.
When the last child was picked up and the learning center finally shuttered its doors for the night, Amanda raced through the nightly sanitation routine and headed for the exit, eager to get back to her room, pack a bag, and head over to Sarek's. Her plan was only slightly foiled when she discovered him waiting for her on the sidewalk, hands neatly fastened behind his back in his usual stoic pose.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" she asked with a smile.
"I came to collect you from work."
"You didn't have to wait for me," she replied, crossing her arms to prevent herself from hugging him on instinct. He had done something similar when they first met. It had been weird and slightly creepy then, but it was the sweetest thing in the world now. "Have you been here long?"
"I live across the street and you leave your place of employment approximately the same time each night," he reminded her.
"Well, like I told you earlier, I still need to swing by my room and pick up a few things before I head over to your apartment."
"I am still in possession of your bag from this weekend," Sarek remarked.
"I know, but I still need to get some other stuff."
"Very well. Will you permit me to walk with you?"
She smiled. "Why would I say no?"
They walked in relative silence back to the dormitory. No words passed between them but no words seemed necessary. She felt content in the quiet, happy just to be walking down the street as a real couple rather than a pair of friends caught up in a complicated scheme where they pretended to be a couple.
When they arrived at her room, Amanda discovered that a full weekend away had transformed her typically untidy living space into something more resembling a twentieth century landfill. There were paths on the floor cutting through piles of dirty laundry, food containers, toiletries, and other general debris. Mara sat like a queen among the rubble on her bed, eyes red and puffy from crying.
Amanda restrained the irritation and disgust at the state of her current room and asked, "Everything okay?"
Mara sniffed. "You're back."
"Yeah, I got back this afternoon." Amanda turned to give Sarek an apologetic look as she tried to pry the door open wide enough for them to enter. Unfortunately, the door was hung up on a pair of damp towels.
"Sorry for my mess," Mara murmured, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
The polite version of Amanda wanted to tell her it was okay and not to worry about it, but the version of Amanda that was terrified of cockroaches and hated living in squalor wanted to throttle her. "It definitely is a mess," Amanda finally replied as neutrally as she could manage. "Where's Vedek?"
Mara's lower lip quivered. "He left yesterday to—well, it's not important. He was supposed to be back this morning. And he hasn't called. He's not answering any of my messages." She turned her doleful eyes toward Sarek and asked, "Did you see him at work today?"
"I did not go into the office today," he explained.
"Maybe you could try calling him?" Mara pleaded.
"Maybe Vedek just wants a night to himself," Amanda said gently, doing her best to ignore the tears brimming in her roommate's eyes. It was hard to feel sorry for her. Mara had broken so many hearts in the short time that they'd known each other that Amanda couldn't help but think maybe she deserved a taste of her own medicine. Or maybe her platitude about Vedek wanting some room to breathe actually had some merit and he would eventually be back. Either way, she really didn't care.
Amanda pulled her larger duffel bag from the top of her closet and began shoving clothes in it and Mara, sensing she would get no sympathy from her roommate, jumped out of bed and headed for the door. "I'm going out."
"You're always welcome to stay and clean," Amanda called after her, wondering if the casual barb was a step too far.
Mara wheeled around to face her, nearly running into Sarek who looked like he was trying desperately hard not to trample Mara's dirty underwear by the door. "I'll clean it when I get back."
"It's kind of late, don't you think?" Amanda asked. "I thought you had an early class tomorrow."
"I dropped my classes today because—we were supposed to—" Mara cut herself off, clearly fighting back a fresh wave of tears. "Look, I never really cared about college anyway. I was here to make friends and have a good time. I was never a good student like you. I'll be back later. You two have fun."
Amanda stared at her, wondering what was really going on. There was so much to unpack in Mara's bold declaration, but knowing how much Mara craved being the center of attention, she knew that if she dug much deeper, she'd get sucked into listening to a repetitive diatribe. Amanda was curious, but not curious enough to waste her whole night, especially when Sarek was waiting on her.
"I'm going to Sarek's," Amanda shrugged. "There's no way I'm staying in this mess."
Mara frowned but didn't reply. As the door closed behind her, Amanda winced and muttered, "You have to know I would never live like this."
"That is…fortunate," Sarek mused. He stood in the small clearing on the floor near the entry way, looking wary, as though one misstep might cause a bomb to detonate. Given the state of the room, it looked like an explosion had already occurred.
"Let me just grab some stuff from the bathroom and I'll be ready to go."
"You still wish to join me this evening?" he asked. "I had believed your company tonight was contingent on Vedek's absence from your room and as he is not here—"
Amanda held up a hand. "There's no way I'm staying in this filth. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I'd stay awake all night scouring it from top to bottom and what's sad is if I didn't constantly clean, Mara would just have it looking this way again by next weekend. I'm so tired of it. It's disgusting. Anyway, give me just a minute and we'll be out of here."
She raced to the bathroom and shoved everything she thought she might need into a hygiene bag, frustrated by Mara's empty containers of powder and fragrance lining the vanity and shower stall. She tossed a perfume bottle toward the waste reclaimator but it bounced off the sensors.
She scowled. Of course Mara had jammed it up again. How many times had Amanda explained the bathroom reclaimator couldn't handle metal, fabric, or oversized food containers?
She finished gathering up her things, hoisted the heavy duffel bag onto her shoulder, and turned to Sarek to find he was studying her carefully.
"You ready?" she asked, reaching for the door handle.
"Yes," he replied.
"Why are you looking at me that way?"
"You have packed abundant supplies," he explained. "You appear to have provisions far exceeding what I believe might be appropriate for a single night's stay."
She blushed. About a third of her wardrobe was hanging from the overflowing bag. Maybe some subconscious part of her did want to move in with him. She muttered, "I like to have clothing options. You never know what the weather will be like and…I guess I did over pack a bit."
"I would like to take this opportunity to encourage you to stay as long as you wish," he asserted, extending a hand toward her. "I would also prefer to carry your bag rather than leave you to struggle under its weight."
"That's very chivalrous of you, but I can manage," she insisted.
"I admit you are physically capable but I am larger and stronger than you. It is logical that I should carry it and prevent you from needlessly straining a muscle or ligament."
She rolled her eyes and handed the bag over, secretly admiring the ease with which he managed the excessive heft. The walk back to his apartment was much like the walk to her dormitory had been, quiet and content. When they arrived, they engaged in a brief discussion about sleeping arrangements before finally admitting to each other and themselves that they would both be perfectly satisfied in sharing his bedroom.
She kissed him softly and ran her hands over his chest, but when her belly uttered an audible grumble, he gently gripped her wrists and said, "You appear to be hungry."
"I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast," she admitted.
"Nor have I. We should share an end meal."
"What have you been doing the whole time I was at school and work?" she asked, following him to the kitchen.
"Meditating."
"What does meditating do for you, exactly?"
He extracted a pot from one of the lower cupboards and thought to himself for a moment. "It centers and refocuses me. It allows me to reflect on any transient emotions I cannot suppress and consider them more objectively in a controlled setting."
She stepped forward, edging into his personal space to gently wind her two fingers around his. She couldn't remember the exact word for this custom, but she would never forget the alluring sensation of it. He paused and watched her forefingers trace across his knuckles and the mood changed. He wanted her and she wanted him.
"Have you ever thought about just allowing yourself to feel some of your feelings?" she asked, casting her eyes up at him in her best attempt at being coy and flirty.
He swallowed. "Yes."
The distance between their faces grew shorter and before either of them could think about it too much, he pushed her onto the counter and took her face in his hands. Clothes were yanked out of the way and fell to the floor and any suggestion of a late dinner was forgotten in the ensuing passion.
She knew it was crazy, but she was in love with him in every way imaginable. She couldn't get enough of it. Judging by the way his hands were caressing her face and body, neither could he. For the first time in a long time, she felt at ease and at home.