Content Warning: Child abuse, transmisogyny/transphobia, homophobia
Monday Afternoon, May 30th (Great Smoky Mountains National Park, NC)
It was only a little after two as they hiked their way towards Andrews Bald, but if Clarke was entirely honest, it felt like a full day since she'd woken up that morning. Heck, even waking up had her feeling as if time had inexplicably skipped ahead and frozen, waking up in some strange hotel room after falling asleep in her Volvo.
Clarke hadn't been kidding when she'd told Anya that she wasn't that deep of a sleeper, and yet there she'd been, cuddled under the bed sheets with Anya's arms around her. Complete proof that not only was she a deep sleeper, but that Anya had actually managed to carry her up to their room and into bed without waking her.
And given she'd woken up in bed before Anya, time had stretched on endlessly as she yearned to remember what it might have felt like. Clarke had mourned not being able to feel those strong arms lift and hold her. Clarke had mourned not feeling the cool morning air as she was carried from her car up to the room. Clarke had mourned not experiencing Anya tucking her into bed, making sure she was secure before joining her. Never in her life had she wanted to kiss Anya more than that morning.
Just that brief period felt like it had taken ages to pass. Thankfully, when Anya woke up, their docket for the next hour was full of showering, getting changed, grabbing supplies from a nearby store, and meeting Raven and O for breakfast. It'd been enough of a whirlwind that she'd been able to keep stray thoughts at bay, but the moment she'd gotten into the driver's seat, the previous day's difficulties came roaring back into her consciousness.
How Anya had rushed away from her and into O's basement. Seeing Anya weeping beside the dryer and trying desperately to breathe. Interrupting Raven and Octavia mid-sex to alert Octavia to Anya. Letting her nerves get the best of her in eating all the donuts. Anya needing to talk to Lexa. Radio silence from Lexa that evening after she and Anya had done their talking. Octavia constantly shooting her angry glares all night.
By the time they'd made it to the park, Clarke had been literally shaking in her seat from fear that she'd fucked it all up by taking initiative and coming clean instead of just shutting up and deflecting. As soon as she'd been able to, Clarke had got out of the car and made a beeline for the hiking path, needing fresh air and some time to really think, but of course Raven had interjected.
Of course Raven had been her usual devious self and called on her to help Anya with her sunscreen. Even though it really was necessary, it didn't change how nervous she'd been with Anya. Sure the woman had been polite and kind since returning from the basement yesterday evening, but Anya had also been quite distant for long stretches.
Worse, Anya had wanted to 'talk'. Anyone who was anyone knew what that was code for, so as much as she had wanted to be hopeful, it had been pretty clear at the time as to what was coming, making it hard to feel too optimistic.
And yet, Anya had touched her so delicately, hands massaging lotion into her as if protecting her from the sun wasn't anywhere near the woman's top priority. Anya had taken her hand and smiled at her like Clarke had carved the mountain range herself and filled it with life in dedication to the spellbinding woman. Just standing up there with Anya at Clingman's Dome had been an ongoing, relentless rush of adrenaline and hope that maybe she'd come to the wrong conclusion. They'd only spent maybe fifteen minutes up there on that platform, but with Anya's hand in hers, it had felt like a glorious hour or two.
An hour and a half later, Anya was still holding her hand as Clarke led her through the trail to their destination. More to ensure Anya paid attention and watched her steps, but even still, it was all sort of exhilarating, sharing a passion of hers with her newest friend.
And while she was leading the way and didn't have much time to spare much more than brief glances backward, the soft sounds of wonder coming from Anya were more than enough to have her mood soaring. There had always been something tremendously balancing about the wilderness, and Clarke just hoped that it'd help keep everyone in a happier state after a bit of a difficult day yesterday.
"Ugh, I'm starving." Clarke heard Raven groan from a ways behind her.
"We're almost there. You can hang on for another five minutes." Octavia shot back with a laugh, Clarke glancing back to catch the two gently shoving each other. "You're so whiny."
"And you're a jerk for letting your girlfriend starve to death. I'm literally deteriorating." Raven griped, not a surprise given her love of food. "Gimme a sandwich, woman!"
"Get your own sandwich, you ass." Octava let out with another laugh, and just from the pitter-patter behind her, she could tell Octavia ran off a bit ahead of Raven.
"Hey! You can't tell me to get my own and then run off with them, jerk! Besides, who made the sandwiches this morning while you were snoozin'? Me!" Raven yelled, letting out annoyed grumbles as the woman trudged onward. "Come on, O, I'm hungry. Feed me."
Clarke glanced over her shoulder again, long enough to spot Octavia roll her eyes and pull off her backpack. "Ugh, fine. As if you couldn't wait another few minutes, Raven."
She heard the soft, crinkly impact of the wrapped sandwich hitting Raven's hands just as she spotted their destination ahead. Clarke gave a squeeze to Anya's hand and smiled at the sight. "We're here."
It took a minute before they were stepping out into the meadow, tree cover falling away to reveal spectacular views of the mountains and highlands surrounding them in all directions. As they moved farther into the bald, Anya's hand fell away from her, though the expression on the woman's face crushed any sense of loss she might have felt.
No, Anya, with both hands covering her mouth, was wide eyed and awestruck, body slowly turning around and around to catch sight of her surroundings. "Clarke..."
She bit her lip and rested a hand on the small of Anya's back once the woman stopped spinning. "I know."
As hopeful as she'd been all hike long, and as thrilled as she was to see how much Anya loved the view, Clarke didn't expect Anya to grab hold of her hand and march them off into the meadow. She didn't expect the laughter bubbling out of her newest friend, or the wide eyed excitement of finding a better vantage point.
"Clarke, you can see all the way down to the rivers from here!" Anya noted, practically vibrating with excitement as her gaze shifted slightly. "And...the clouds off in the distance there...have you ever hiked high enough where you were above the clouds, and were looking down at them?"
No one could blame her if she needed a moment or two before answering, not with her mind flashing through all sorts of possibilities for other adventures with Anya in the future. "I have. It's kind of amazing."
"I'm not certain there are words sufficient enough to describe this, Clarke." Anya added after a few more moments of scanning their surroundings, those warm brown eyes eventually landing on her. "Thank you."
"I'm just happy you're enjoying yourself." Clarke said, smiling brightly at her friend, full to the brim with joy that Anya had been absolutely enthralled with the park so far. "Now, come on, we should reapply sunscreen and then grab some lunch."
Anya quickly agreed, the both of them not wasting any time reapplying, even if Clarke might have enjoyed a repeat of the previous time. They were on the clock, so to speak, with a lot to accomplish in a limited period of time. Their breaks could only last so long.
A squeal off in the distance had Clarke shifting her attention back towards the trail, where Raven was piggybacking on Octavia, the firefighter gleefully jogging around in the meadow as Reyes cheered her on, sandwich in hand and all.
"One of these days, they're going to get too caught up in their shenanigans and get hurt." Clarke mused openly, watching the pair carefully as Octavia darted off out of sight behind some bushes.
"Try telling Octavia to tone it down, I dare you. We both know she'd never listen." Anya added, reaching over to unzip Clarke's backpack and pull out their food.
Clarke nodded along in agreement, knowing both stubborn women wouldn't change their ways. She was in the middle of her sandwich when Anya shifted a little closer to her side, the both of them nestled near a cluster of fragrant rhododendrons, looking off at the distant wilderness.
"We're here for another forty or so minutes, correct?" Anya asked quietly, the hesitant tone of her voice prompting Clarke to nod and quickly mow down the rest of her sandwich.
"Yeah, we are. What's up?" She asked, drawing a sigh from her friend, whose head ducked low, eyes fluttering closed.
"This is our longest break of the day. Perhaps we could have that talk." Anya noted, all soft and quiet, the woman's body growing tenser as seconds passed.
Clarke could feel her heart drop into her stomach at the sight and gathered all her willpower and strength to muster the words she knew she had to speak. "Anya, I don't want you to feel bad or guilty for turning me down. We're friends now, and that doesn't have to change. We're alright."
Sure, Clarke would take the hit and eventually be better. Maybe she'd have a good cry when she got back to D.C., but she'd get better. They'd be good.
Anya startling and slightly arching away from Clarke broke the younger blonde from her thoughts. "What? Clarke...I told you that you didn't bother me, or make me uncomfortable. I told you that it was my history that caused my anxiety." Anya spoke, face contorted in confusion and maybe a little bit of fear.
That shred of fear was what had Clarke immediately on high alert. Still, she needed to stick to her guns; Anya deserved an easy out, guilt-free, and Clarke would ensure the woman knew it was there for her to take. "I know what people mean when they say they want to talk, Anya. It's okay."
Anya just shook her head, a hand coming to her chest as the woman's breathing grew a little labored. "I...no, just...that was the furthest from my mind when I asked if we could talk sometime. I mean what I say, Clarke. I wanted to talk about why I reacted like I did. That's all."
Clarke could see Anya's breathing was only getting heavier, so she scooted closer and wrapped an arm around her friend's shoulders, which thankfully seemed to slightly calm the woman. Her head was spinning at the thought that she'd yet again assumed something about Anya. That yet again, she'd nearly made a fool of herself and hurt her friend. "Hey, it's okay. I was wrong to assume."
Anya let out a scoff that sounded more self-deprecating than anything. "I can't even get a few words out about this without making a complete mess of it." The woman grumbled, letting out a shaky sigh that had Clarke closing the remaining distance and pulling Anya into a tight side hug.
"No, not at all. You're fine. Let's start from the top again, okay? Just take a few deep breaths and let's start over." Clarke cooed as she stroked Anya's cheek, hoping to reassure her friend that it'd all be fine, that there was nothing to be anxious about.
Anya didn't seem to be on the same page, but at least the woman opened her glassy eyes and met her gaze after taking a few steadying breaths that didn't quite get the job done. "You know I prefer people learn about me first-hand, Clarke."
Clarke nodded. "I know, I respect that."
"I spent part of this morning deciding on how to tell you what you need to know so that you'll understand. That...that's the reason I wanted to talk...not to sway you any way, or evoke emotion, or...I just ...I need you to understand. So that you'll know why I reacted how I did, and that it wasn't your fault, it was just a product of my history." Anya halfway rambled, gaze dropping to the ground after stumbling over her speech a bit.
Honestly, it wasn't exactly the way she'd expected their talk to kick off, what with Anya being supremely formal and throwing a verbal disclaimer her way, but Clarke was sure that whatever Anya needed to get through this, she'd provide it. Clarke just wanted to know more about Anya.
"I'm happy to listen, Anya. You don't need to rush this, take your time." Clarke noted, hoping it'd reassure the older blonde, but her words didn't seem to change much of anything about the tense woman as her side.
"I was...I was very self-aware as a young child. The internal strength it blessed me with came with the curse of being unable to mold myself to my parents' whims and desires. My parents were...fiercely traditional, and needless to say, I did not live up to their expectations, which shamed them greatly. I'll spare you the details of my early upbringing, but it wasn't a very pleasant one, and I was pulled out of school when I was eight to be homeschooled, to keep me from tainting the family reputation in our greater community. To be kept away until I could represent them properly, like my adopted brother did. For the next eight years, the only people I came into contact with were my parents, my teacher, Lincoln on occasion, some extended family, and the wait staff." Anya spoke so calmly and flatly after her initial stumble, as if it was all so common and normal for a child to be hidden away from society out of shame.
Clarke was aghast. Just knowing the bare bones about Anya's childhood had a fury welling up inside of her. Despite Anya's tone, her choice of words had Clarke coming to an educated guess on what their issue was. After all, her friend had admitted to being a lesbian, and her parents were 'fiercely traditional' and were concerned about their community's views and how it could impact their reputation. It was the depressingly common narrative of so many gay kids raised in hard-line religious households.
It was the pure shame that Anya's parents inflicted that fueled the fire inside of her, though, some parallels falling into place with her own experiences. She'd always been sensitive to others feeling or expressing shame over her, and she could hardly imagine being barraged relentlessly with it for an entire childhood, when Clarke had barely survived a few short years.
"I spent years being educated and being holed up in my room with little access to the world outside. If I was well behaved, my parents would allow me to obtain books from a local library...remotely, of course, I'm sure some servant of theirs would complete the order. They never cared much about which books I asked for...I doubt they actually looked, really. I signed out a book when I was fourteen that reaffirmed what I knew to be true about myself, and I reveled in that truth. I shared it with a cousin of mine who I held dear." Anya continued, smiling wistfully at the mention of getting books from the library. It was something everyone should have had access to, something most took for granted, Clarke included, but clearly they had been special to her, much like art had been Clarke's escape.
Despite the disgusting neglect and clear abuse, Clarke couldn't help but feel warm about how Anya talked about being so sure of herself so young. Despite everything, Anya had pressed through it and was true to herself. She'd caught glimpses of that strength throughout the road trip, but knowing more now, she couldn't help but feel proud.
"My cousin was too young to understand fully, but she loved me, and I loved her. I didn't have friends, you see, and I wasn't so close with Lincoln at the time, so she was who I would talk to when I needed anyone. We had spent an entire afternoon hanging out in my room when my parents barged in, having found some of what I'd written. They were furious, as always, and yelled and yelled and..." Anya let out a shuddering sigh before taking in one deep breath, and then another. Clarke offered her hand, and hoped it provided Anya some comfort when it was taken. "...and they kept telling me I was a failed member of my gender. That I was broken. My cousin, who was too young to know better, and too concerned for me to know reason, raised her voice and told them that maybe if they treated me like the girl I was, they'd like me better."
Clarke's brow furrowed at the sight of Anya's jaw clenching, nervous eyes flickering over to her before slamming shut. All signs of fear and worry, as if Anya expected that Clarke could reject her. For what, she wasn't sure.
Clarke pondered over her friend's words, trying to find some clue to the magnitude of Anya's cousin's words, but failed.
Anya eventually let out a sigh, breaking the extended silence between them. "That was the day my parents learned that I was trans. That I was a young woman."
Now Clarke Griffin was a smart cookie, she'd always known that about herself, but she couldn't help but recoil a bit, a wave of surprise soon followed by empathy, excitement, and awe. The wondrous joy bubbling inside of her quickly turned to acid, burning away at her insides as a devastating feeling of horror fell upon her, realizing the implications.
"She outed you. To your LGBT-hating parents. While you were basically already imprisoned." Clarke mumbled, eyes growing wide in fear of what was done to Anya, suddenly feeling scared as hell over what had been done to her.
"She meant well, but...yes. My parents did not take it well at first, but then...then they saw a way out of their predicament." Anya continued darkly, letting out a laugh so saturated in misery that Clarke hoped she'd never hear it again in her life. "My parents were very traditional. If they could not have me as an asset, and they knew by then that I was unsuitable for their aims...then they could bait someone else. After all, I had been gone for eight years. I hadn't been discussed, I hadn't been seen, I fell out of public memory. My parents were already relatively private people by necessity after I started expressing myself at a young age, and were too busy to attend church with any regularity, especially as a family unit since they'd only show up with Lincoln, so it wasn't as if many people knew me. And my mother, bless her heart, had never been able to leave her debutante roots behind her."
Clarke could taste the bitterness in the air from how Anya spoke of her parents, and she felt guilty in halfway reveling in it, knowing that bitterness was fully deserved. Still, it was drawn from pain, and it was that pain that Clarke desperately wanted to soothe, the picture becoming clearer now. "Let me guess, they wanted you to be their Proverbs 31 Barbie."
Anya gave her hand a squeeze and nodded slowly. "More or less. They set the terms...I would have access to any treatment on the market if I complied with their teachings. By then, my dysphoria was nearly debilitating, and I saw no other way out, so I took them up on the offer. The next day, I had an appointment scheduled to get me on HRT, and paperwork had been filled out to quietly push through a name change...I'd managed to have them let me choose my first name so long as they chose the rest."
Clarke nodded along, knowing that she would have taken that deal in a heartbeat, too, given the circumstances. "That's why you're weirdly formal, don't swear, and were able to give Octavia a sort of finishing school boot camp."
"Precisely. Much like before, I was kept away for another two years or so, until my parents thought I was sufficiently virtuous and feminine. I...I didn't hate all of the training, but I did hate that they were pigeonholing me into this absurd stereotype and holding me to unrealistic standards. It was, in most cases, impossible for me to pass their tests, particularly my mother's. However, my parents needed the whole property to teach me, and over time, I grew closer to Lincoln, and he developed an...understanding, and we bonded. So at least out of everything, I gained him as an ally." Anya said with a sad, tired smile, shoulders dropping ever so slightly. "This...was a very stressful period for my parents. While the outside world didn't know of me, my family, and extended family, did. They greatly disapproved of me being trans, but were tentatively willing to remain connected with my parents despite my apparent deviancy."
"Your family sounds like a bunch of terrible people." Clarke blurted out, feeling herself blush when she realized what she'd said. "Sorry. It's not my place."
Anya let out a laugh, a pleasant one, this time, one that had the edges of Clarke's lips twitching upward. "It's fine. They are indeed mostly terrible. At least, the older members. Many of the younger ones are...somewhat more like my cousin who would visit and talk with me." Anya explained, teeth quickly gnawing into that pretty lower lip for a few moments. "Despite being barred from speaking to my favourite cousin, we found ways to communicate. She was in her mid-teens, then, and struggling with her sexuality. Having personal experience with that, we bonded even more from that, and grew stronger together."
Clarke smiled at the clear love in Anya's eyes for her cousin. It was heartwarming to know that even in her darkest hours, Anya had never been truly alone. The sheer devotion in Anya's voice reminded her of how Lexa would speak about her loved ones.
Wait...Lexa is Anya's best friend...and her cousin...and...oh...oh no...
"However, my cousin was not so efficient at hiding that part of herself away as I was. Her parents weren't as strict and demanding; she wasn't forced to develop that discipline...not by then, at least. When her parents caught her with Costia, she came out, proudly, and accidentally referenced me." Anya continued, and it was everything Clarke could do to keep herself from imploding from her chaotic thoughts, because it was Lexa.
Anya had been outed by Lexa twice. Twice.
"Lexa...she..." Clarke stammered out, unsure what to even say about any of it, if there was anything to say about it all.
"It was a blessing and a curse. My parents were cut off from the greater family immediately, and I was disowned, free of them at last, with karma dealing a nice blow to their reputation and egos." Anya noted, any wistful happiness fading into a more conflicted expression. "But Lexa's family was the glue for the whole familial network. They were the core, and something had to be done. They had enough influence to protect Lexa, to keep her safe. They needed a little time, but were largely accepting of her and Costia, even if the rest of the family wasn't. The extended family demanded leadership, and...and that was partially provided by throwing the hammer down on my parents."
Clarke felt her skin prickle, as if the air around her was a little charged, and it had her on edge. From the sadness in Anya's eyes, she knew whatever came next wasn't good. "And the other part?"
"Lexa was told that under no circumstances was she to interact with me. That I was the bad influence, that Lexa was...despite her sexuality...a good person, while I was as tainted as my parents, and a threat to the family values. Lincoln had been adopted, so they deemed his blood was sufficiently untainted, and he more or less went to live with Lexa's parents from there on out after mine separated and moved away." Anya noted quietly, forcing Clarke to strain her ears to hear everything in detail.
Honestly, it was impossible to believe. Anya loved Lexa, and Lexa seemed to love Anya, so clearly Lexa hadn't gone through with it. Clarke breathed a sigh of relief in knowing that much. "She declined, of course. She did, right?"
Anya gave a half shrug, shifting her head around a bit, clearly expressing that Lexa hadn't been quite so virtuous. "Do not blame Lexa. I was only really in contact with her. She was close with everyone. Every child. Her sexuality wasn't being repressed...it was either accepted or tolerated by the masses out of respect of her family, and with the size of our extended family, there were a good number of people she was close to who needed her to be their champion. So she agreed not to see me again. At least...that was the official statement."
Clarke's mind raced, recalling so many times Lexa had been pulled away momentarily from parties, hangouts, class, or any real event due to family emergencies. Honestly, Clarke had thought it was some code word, or that Lexa's family was tremendously accident prone, but if Anya was speaking the truth, Lexa was the go-to person for anyone in that network who needed help dealing with being different than the family traditions demanded.
The ruthless calculus of Lexa choosing the many over the few fit her best friend's character, certainly, but it didn't quell the pain in her heart over how alone Anya must have been.
"You lost Lexa, and Lincoln, and your family." Clarke stated in disbelief. "You...had to be angry, Anya."
Anya gave an infuriatingly confusing shrug. "I was free, and I'd been transitioning for two years, and Lexa was getting all the support she needed. She was happy. There was no reason to be angry. She made the right decision." Anya stated, and while Clarke could see the twisted logic there, she couldn't help but gape at Anya being so nonchalant about it all. "Besides, Lexa would help me in private. I still had her, even if no one else knew. I didn't need her to spend time with me in public, I just needed my best friend in my life, and she was."
That bubbling acid feeling from earlier was dying down, but the burning feeling had left, leaving nausea in its place. The whole history had her feeling sick, and more than anything, she wanted to build a time machine and kick Anya's parents' and Lexa's family's teeth in. None of it was right. And here I thought my family reacted badly...
More than anything, Clarke understood Anya's stance on passing around knowledge of her. She understood that need for control and to ensure people knew her firsthand. Anya had been harmed by both the most evil people in her life and the person she'd loved most of all, all due to loose lips and stigmas.
"A year and a bit later, Lexa's parents passed away, and her uncle Gustus came in to take care of her until she was old enough to leave home for university. He was one of the...sympathetic ones in the family, and helped Lexa transfer her parents' cottage into my name. Lexa refused to let me live without a roof over my head, she needed me safe, and so I was safe. She knew the harm her parents had caused me, and had Gustus set up an account for me to access if I need living expenses. Early on, before my writing career developed, that kept me afloat and alive." Anya rambled, voice straining with defensive tones, as if expecting a fight over it. Clarke knew there would be time for that later, after she reamed out her best friend tonight when they got back to the hotel.
"Lexa would visit when she could, and she would Skype at least twice a week. Even if she wasn't public in supporting me, she was always there for me...even when she hadn't learned how to be tactful. I bore the brunt of those lessons for her, and she's been content with supporting me every way she can. She's breaking the promise she made in inviting me to the wedding...she's taking a risk for me now...that's huge." Anya continued, hesitating for a moment before shaking her head. "But anyways, so...you understand now...that I was alone most of my life. I had few real social experiences that were remotely normal. By the time I got out into the world, I was such an awkward young trans woman, and it took me time to adjust, and find my footing."
Clarke leaned into Anya and gave her hand another squeeze, not wanting to overwhelm her friend with affection quite yet. "I think you've grown up pretty well since then."
The deep blush decorating Anya's cheeks was kind of glorious to witness. "Yes, well...that is the issue at hand. It...it took me time to adjust. A lot of time. And as time passed..."
Anya took a heavy breath and turned her head away from Clarke for the first time in their conversation. It was so utterly baffling, because the woman's past was a fucking horror show, and after all the terrible things were largely out of the way, Anya felt she had to hide herself? It didn't make sense. It had Clarke's gut churning in terror, her heart pounding in pure fear that something horrific had been done to the beautiful person beside her.
"Anya, if...if someone...if anyone's hurt you, you don't need to explain it to me, okay? I'm here for you, I care for you, you don't have..." Clarke started, words flying out of her mouth in a flurry, only to be halted by the shake of Anya's head and a sniffle. "Oh, Anya..."
Clarke went to embrace her friend fully, like she had so many other times, but Anya scooted just out of reach, tugging her arm free as well, those warm brown eyes staring all wide and fearful back at her. "I can't...you can't...just...it's not that. It's not that. No one's hurt me like that."
Clarke wanted to breathe a sigh of relief, but the debilitating fear that seemed to be coursing through Anya had her concerned enough to keep her distance and hold her focus. "Then please...what happened? Why are you so scared?"
"You could be like the others. It...it could be too late for me." Anya blurted out, blushing hard as her face went stony and turned away, clearly not having meant to speak her fears out loud.
Clarke took a deep breath and reached out her hands, laying them on the grass between them, fingers outstretched towards her friend. "Anya...there's almost nothing in this world that people don't have time to change or fix or experience. I could list off over a dozen painters alone who started late in life. Most things in life don't have an expiration date." Clarke reasoned, hoping Anya would recognize the logic in her words. "And I'm not sure who you're referring to, but I can't know if I'm going to be like them or not if I don't know what about them hurt you. I'd like to think I wouldn't."
She could see Anya retreating into herself, if just slightly, but it was enough to have Clarke blurting out just about anything to try and re-establish whatever trust that might have faltered between them for whatever reason.
"You've shared so much with me, and I'm so thankful and honored that you've trusted me, and let me in like that. And after everything, Anya, I still want to know more about you. If you're not ready to share yet, I'll wait as long as you need. If you're never ready, then that won't change our friendship. I'm with you, okay?" Clarke asked, hoping that whatever it was that had Anya worried, that they could handle it together, or at least move past it.
"Clarke..." Anya whispered, head bowed yet again, the hat's brim hiding her face at that angle, leaving Clarke little to work with.
Still, she moved closer, ever so slowly, until she was seating directly in front of her friend, her hands gently taking Anya's. "I swear, the last thing I want to do is hurt you. Whatever it is..."
"Clarke..." Anya let out in another whisper, voice straining, sounding a little more urgent.
"Whatever it is, it's not going to change what I think about you." Clarke insisted, wanting...needing...to hammer that point home. Whatever it was, she'd have Anya's back.
"I've never been in a relationship." Anya spoke flatly, the woman's body freezing up immediately, and Clarke was about a hundred percent sure that Anya wasn't breathing for a good ten seconds. Ten seconds Clarke needed to process those six words, because they didn't seem that important. It wasn't monumental. "I've never had sex, I've never finished a date, I've never...I've never been kissed, Clarke. I'm twenty-seven, and I've..."
Anya's voice cut off, pulling a hand free to cover her mouth as her body silently shook, all while Clarke tried to make sense of the absurdity of it all.
It was moments like those where Clarke wished she had more tact, because she regretted the instinctual surprised laugh and the words that flew out of her mouth as soon as they registered. "You're kidding, right?"
As strange and confusing as Anya's six words had been, Clarke knew her trio hit her friend like a dagger to her chest, Anya immediately shooting up to her feet with a sob and staggering away, breathing heavily.
"Shit, shit, Anya...Anya, please, I didn't mean it like that!" Clarke shot out, quickly moving to her feet and chasing her friend around a flower bush, heart straining at the sound of the woman's cries. "Anya!"
"Clarke!" Octavia's furious yell had her realizing that perhaps her other two friends had been made aware of the situation, at least on some level, what with Anya rushing away from her in tears. A quick glance had Raven just barely holding an enraged Octavia back.
Clarke bit her lip, knowing she didn't have much time, and ran off after Anya. The woman wasn't moving very fast, as and she neared, it was clear Anya was on the verge of another attack, practically wheezing for air.
"Damn it, babe, I'm an ass, but I'm not that big of an ass. Just got caught off guard, I promise. I'm sorry." Clarke spoke rapidly as she pulled a thankfully non-resistant Anya to a seated position and settled in behind her, Anya's back to her chest. "Just follow my breathing, gotta count them out, alright?" She added, trying to eliminate the sight of Anya's heartbroken and tearful face from her mind, at least for the moment.
Fortunately, it was in Anya's best interest to cooperate, and it seemed the woman would, even if her utterly tense as a steel rod body let her know that her presence wasn't welcome. Not that that ever stopped Clarke from speaking her mind and trying to fix her own messes.
"I'm sorry. It just...on first instinct, it seemed so absurd because the moment I first saw you, I felt the urge to just...kiss you. I've been wanting to kiss you more and more this whole trip, and...I got caught off guard. I'm so sorry." Clarke whispered after Anya's breathing stabilized. She could sense Octavia standing somewhere nearby, and knew she only had one chance to keep from fucking up. "But if you've never dated anyone, never had a kiss...Anya, that doesn't matter to me. I like you. I'm interested in you. None of what you've told me today changed anything about what I think about you, or how I feel about you. If you're not interested in me, I can handle that, but if this is mutual...I know we could make it work. So just...breathe, and...once you're good I'll give you space to think, okay?"
Anya took a deep breath, then another, then a third, before she gave a small nod. It was as much relief as she allowed herself to feel, knowing she'd brought on the attack, that she'd inadvertently hurt Anya. It was a fact that was hard to stomach, and so when her friend's breathing stabilized, Clarke carefully detangled herself from Anya and stepped away, retreating back to where they'd talked for most of their lunch break.
After everything, Anya deserved time and space. All Clarke could hope was that she hadn't fucked everything up beyond repair.
"Can't say I've ever prevented a murder before today. Guess there's really a first time for everything."
Raven's snark wasn't unexpected, but after forty minutes of silent hiking back towards her car, she'd lost an anxious edginess, all of that falling away to just straight sadness.
Anya had finished the lunch break alone in thought, and joined Octavia after packing up, the duo about a dozen yards up the trail from them. Honestly, if she could have spoken to Anya again, at the cost of being punched by Octavia, she would have done it.
Instead, Anya just seemed to be avoiding her.
For good reason...I can't believe I laughed... Clarke thought to herself as she shook her head in defeat, just about a half hour into her personal pity party. So much for not hurting her...so much for being different...
It had all seemed so surreal that Anya had never been kissed when Clarke had been fighting significantly gay feelings the whole trip long, and had needed to control herself each night they'd spent together. Now, Clarke knew that she was attracted to quite a bit of people in the world, but she liked to think her standards were pretty high, and Anya had blown them out of the water right out of the gate.
So believing no one had wanted to get some sugar from Anya? That, just on gut reaction, was hardly believable.
And yet, it was true. There was no reason to doubt Anya, so it had to be true, which made it that much more baffling. Had she met Anya out in public, without knowing her connection to Lexa or Octavia, Clarke would probably have put her daily plans aside and made talking to the gorgeous woman a priority. It had been the connection to Lexa, the upcoming road trip, and the impending wedding that had made Clarke cautious to begin with, nothing more.
And even then, I barely lasted a few days before telling her I'm into her...fucking miracle I lasted that long... Clarke mused with another shake of her head. Glad I didn't go for it on day one...that would have been a disaster!
"You know, I think a 'thank you' is pretty standard in these situations?" Raven added, breaking Clarke from her thoughts and bringing a blush to her cheeks, realizing she'd absolutely spaced out on her friend for a bit,
"You're a live saver, Raven. I'd tell you not to forget it, but I doubt you ever will." Clarke noted, trying her best to infuse a bit of lighthearted humour into her words, but it all just fell flat.
"Damn right! Any time you're pissed at me, or I need your help, better expect that I'll remind you of that." Raven said with a laugh, though her dark eyes turned inquisitive soon after. "What the hell happened back there, anyway?"
Clarke let out a sigh and shrugged. "She told me about herself. She trusted me. I fucked up."
Raven offered a light playful jab to her shoulder. 'Hey, can't beat yourself up over this too badly. I mean, it's not like you shanked her."
"I laughed." Clarke let out weakly, shaking her head again at how she wished she could take it all back. "She was scared, and I laughed."
Raven let out a low whistle and cringed. "What kind of laugh?"
"A laugh is a laugh, Raven." Clarke shot back, not wanting her friend to find her some mental loophole to jump out of and forgive herself with. The only person whose forgiveness she cared about at the moment was Anya.
"But were you, like, laughing at her, like 'oh wow that's pathetic or weird', or were you laughing because your brain broke, or were you laughing because you tried to make a joke, and it was in bad taste, or..." Raven asked, letting her voice trail off in clear expectation of an answer.
Sometimes Raven was just too nice. "She told me something that seemed impossible, and...I just couldn't fathom how it could be true. It didn't make any sense, so I laughed. I didn't mean to, and I regretted it immediately, but..."
"But the damage was done." Raven finished for her when Clarke couldn't find the words. The blonde nodded in agreement, even if she thought that her friend's wording didn't quite grasp the magnitude of her slip. "Look, the day you two picked me up, Anya told us that she's capable of hoping for better, and that she's capable of forgiveness. Give her time. I think she'll come around."
Clarke felt a glimmer of hope and quickly swallowed it, not wanting to linger on optimism too much. Not on this. Maybe in a few hours, but not so fresh after a failure.
"Anyway, are you looking forward to the waterfalls?" Clarke asked, pushing away from the topic of her newest friend.
Thankfully, Raven happily obliged her. "Yeah, I kind of am. Oddly enough, I think I'll make the hike there without O giving me a lift."
Clarke smiled at the enthusiasm in Raven's voice, happy to hear how energetic she felt. They'd argued a little about the itinerary for their adventure in the park, not wanting to put too much strain on Raven's leg, but the girl genius insisted repeatedly that she'd be fine. Clarke was happy to hear that was more or less the truth.
"It's good to be out here again. I never forget how it feels, but...it can be harder to remember every detail after you've been away a while, you know?" Clarke asked, knowing Raven wasn't exactly the biggest outdoorsy person, but that the woman did enjoy her outings.
"Yeah, I get you. O and I don't manage it all that often, so when we do, it's kind of special. And I agree...I remember everything we did at other parks and stuff, but I like that I forget just enough that it feels fresh and new every time." Raven added with a soft smile, eyes focusing dead ahead at Octavia.
Clarke immediately decided that despite original plans to spend that evening's final event in a group, that she'd ensure O and Raven had as much space as they wanted, knowing that it wasn't too often that they had extended time together.
If that meant also distancing herself from Anya, if perhaps just a safe distance, so Anya wouldn't get lost or worried, then so be it. She'd enjoyed all of the park's festivities alone once before, she could manage it again for an evening if need be.
"Oh, bee-tee-dubs, don't worry about the sunscreen. Octavia and I talked about it during lunch that if things went downhill, she'd do Anya, and we could do each other." Raven noted, breaking Clarke from her thoughts.
"Hey, if you wanted my hands on your body..." Clarke started to joke, only for Raven to shove her.
"Don't even start, Clarke. You know I could sass and flirt you into the ground." Raven asserted, drawing a broad smile on Clarke's lips.
Perhaps a little lighthearted distraction wouldn't be so bad.
As expected, Raven rode shotgun on the drive up to Elkmont, Anya and Octavia taking the back. Clarke felt fortunate that it was just shy of peak season around that area of the park, knowing that reserving shuttle tickets from a random draw in order to access it would have been next to impossible.
It was that minor fact that kept Clarke feeling halfway decent about everyone enjoying the rest of the adventure despite everything. None of her friends had ever seen the final event before, so Clarke couldn't help but hope it would brighten everyone's moods.
After all, the whole point of the trip to the park was to have fun and enjoy themselves. Aside from her colossal fuck up, that mostly held true.
Besides, as she stood by the bottom of Laurel Falls, watching as O fooled around by the water with Raven and Anya, she wanted to think they were well on their way back to that.
It'd been something of a short dinner break, so Clarke had spent most of the break mowing down on her trail mix and some fruit as she enjoyed the sight of her friends letting loose. The sun was dipping lower in the sky, letting the trees and mountains cast long shadows and shroud the quartet, the reprieve from the blazing sun seeming to reinvigorate them.
It had Clarke smiling brightly that Anya was getting along with Raven, adding hopefully one more long-term friend to the woman's list. One more person to make her happy. One more person to keep her safe.
After today, that was what mattered. Clarke knew she had plenty of friends and family. Anya had precious few, so it was imperative that her friend get all the support possible. Clarke, of course, would love to be part of that inner circle, but that was Anya's decision.
She took the light from Anya's eyes earlier that day. She wouldn't impose again.
Mind made up, Clarke packed her things and took a few steps closer to the group, wanting to make sure they could hear her.
"Hey Raven?" She called out, immediately gaining all three women's attention. Raven looked on with curiosity, Octavia with anger, and Anya with an expression Clarke couldn't quite get a read on. "I'm heading back early to prep things for the show. I'll see you then, okay?"
Clarke offered a wave and turned on her heel, not wanting to really give room for argument. It'd be better for the three to bond together, without her looming around as a reminder of the hurt she'd caused earlier. Even if it was just a forty minute hike back, that was plenty of time for the three to get into the mood for the final act of their trip.
Unfortunately, her plan didn't seem to be popular, Clarke hearing both Raven and Octavia calling out. It was the rush of nearing footsteps that eventually had her glancing over her shoulder.
Clarke jumped out of her skin when she saw Anya jog up alongside her, the younger blonde's body suddenly feeling a whole lot heavier, her heart rate ramping up until it felt like there were war drums in her head and chest.
Whatever hopes she'd had for her plan, they were dashed on the rocks, and Clarke had no idea what to do next. The only thing she could think of was to just do what she said she'd do, hiking back to the Volvo.
Where silence had been comfortable before, it was suffocatingly tense on the hike back. The sound of Anya letting out a tiny cough was like a ray of hope that something would take that silence away. Clarke could handle yelling and screaming, she could handle that slow and cold sort of anger, but she couldn't handle this.
The silence had to go, and she was about to breach it when Anya beat her to the punch.
"You laughed at me." Anya murmured, her voice barely audible among the sounds of the wilderness around them and the noise from their footsteps.
There was a lot Clarke had to say about that, most of them firm and passionate denials. It wasn't about her, though, and focusing on any potential corrections or whatever would just take the focus from where it needed to be.
So she ducked her head, took a breath deep enough to strain her lungs, and focused on the path ahead. "You know, Octavia told me not to hurt you. She told me I needed to keep my distance so I wouldn't fuck up your heart. Lexa being your cousin and best friend? Had me even more cautious, even more certain that I had to just clamp up and deal with it."
Clarke knew her ramblings were a little off the mark from what Anya was expecting, but it at least got the woman's unwavering attention. Content that Anya was listening, she continued on.
"I had one of my best friends threatening me with violence, and my best friend's wedding on the line, and I still couldn't keep quiet. Ever since you stepped out of your house and I saw you, I've been fighting the urge to ask if I could kiss you. Every night when we were cuddled up together, it took everything in my power not to at least kiss your cheek. It's been exhausting, Anya." Clarke added with a shake of her head. "I've wanted to kiss you so badly, and just the thought of it has filled my mind so much that when you said what you said, I was in disbelief. I didn't understand, because it's been something I've had to fight myself not to do."
"Clarke, you don't..." Anya started before letting out a heavy sigh and falling in behind her, letting Clarke lead the way down the trail. Clearly, Anya needed some time to think, and didn't want to distract herself with navigation.
Silence sprouted up again, but it wasn't the same as before, even if it wasn't as comfortable as it had been most of the trip. As much as she desperately wanted to speak, Anya had something on her mind, and she deserved the opportunity to speak it.
"Clarke, I have had plenty of women shut me down over this. You don't expect me to believe you..." Anya noted all slow and low; as much as Anya's words painted a picture of deep seated skepticism, that slow roll of words was the product of uncertainty, and that meant that somewhere deep down, her friend was fostering hope.
Clarke just needed to get Anya to believe the truth.
"You have a beautiful smile that makes me want to kiss you every time I see it. When...when you called me d...well, when you were sweet to me that night in Florida, I wanted so bad to kiss you, but you were half asleep, and it wouldn't have been right. When you shared your favourite song and you thought I was laughing, I was legit happy that you could be as big a sap as I was. I'd realize I was flirting with you after the fact because you're so fucking easy to flirt with that my brain goes on autopilot." Clarke rambled again, hoping that some of it would sink in.
She knew she was improvising; Anya following her on the hike back and granting her forty minutes of alone time just wasn't anything she thought she'd have, and yet, there they were.
"So hearing others gave up the opportunity to be with you? My first thought is it's their loss, because fuck, Anya. It's selfish, but knowing that I could potentially be the first person to kiss you? The first person to date you? The first person to show you how special romance can be? That maybe if you liked me back, I'd be in the position to do all that? That's...honestly, my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest and parkour from tree to tree, just thinking about it." Clarke continued with a sigh as she slowed her pace and leaned up against a tree to catch her breath and let her body calm down.
"Clarke, I don't know anything. I don't know how to do anything, I'm a mess. I'd be a terrible kisser." Anya argued, her words jolting Clarke's head to spin around and stare at her newest friend, hardly believing the words that left her.
"Anya, can I fill you in on a secret?" She asked, hoping her gamble would pay off, seeing how Anya only seemed to be getting tenser by the second. Thankfully, Anya eventually allowed a hesitant nod. "Kissing is a lot like research, and even people with experience? They're not usually going to be great right off the bat with someone new. To put it simply, you're a good kisser when you know what your partner likes...when you know your partner well. If you don't, you're going to mess up, do things that won't feel good for your partner, or that your partner's not real into. I've had nine partners, and three of them? Thought I was a terrible kisser."
Anya's eyes shot wide at her admission. "You? But...I don't understand. How could you be a bad kisser?"
"Not everyone likes being kissed the same. One hated when I'd touch her with my hands while we kissed, and I'm used to doing that...apparently, I was supposed to just hold her waist, or her head, and that's it. Another one hated any kiss that wasn't on the verge of violence...I didn't use enough teeth, and I didn't bite hard enough when I did. Another thought I used too much tongue, and in ways they weren't happy with. None of those relationships lasted longer than a week." Clarke relayed, watching Anya's shocked expression turn thoughtful, if still a bit confused. "All the people I've dated for decently long? Liked how I kissed, because I tailor it to them. I bring some information in, but...it's all about finding what makes a partner tick, what they like or don't like. And anyone...anyone can do that. If you're compatible, and you're willing to put in the effort to make a relationship work, then there's no problem. It's gonna work out."
Anya's arms crossed her chest, the woman taking a defensive stance even as her eyes betrayed that hope that Clarke had been praying for. "You really believe that, don't you?"
"I know it's true. No one's born a good kisser. It's all practice, and your partner would be learning right alongside you." Clarke added before standing opposite Anya, arms falling to her side in contrast. "This is your decision. No matter your choice, I still want to be your friend. I'm still sorry I hurt you earlier. But now you know where I stand. I'd love to kiss you, and date you, Anya. But if you don't want that, I will happily take whatever role you'll have me in."
Clarke held Anya's gaze for seconds stretching towards a minute, her heart slowly fracturing at the utter confusion and hesitation etched into Anya's features, as if she didn't understand what was happening.
With all her words spent, Clarke just took a breath and pushed away from the tree and resumed her hike, happy to hear Anya follow along after a moment's hesitation.
They'd be getting to the final site early, so Clarke hoped that Anya would have plenty of time to mull things over while they waited.
Clarke had volunteered as the pack mule once they'd picked out their spots by the camp grounds. Octavia and Raven weren't too far from where they'd been parked, so hauling the chairs and cooler she'd bought for Raven earlier that day was pretty easy. Anya was about a hundred fifty metres away, a nice safe distance to keep free from their friends' canoodling; the woman insisted that a blanket and her bag of snacks would be fine, so all things considered, Clarke's job hadn't been difficult. In the end, she grabbed her own blanket and her flashlight and set up maybe fifty metres off from Anya's position.
Close enough if the woman needed her, far enough to ensure Anya had space.
Anya hadn't spoken since Clarke's largely one-way discussion during the hike back to the Volvo, so whatever was going on in Anya's head, she respected it. And really, she wanted her friend to process as much as she could before the show started.
It didn't take long to settle in for the next little while, enjoying the cool breeze that graced her skin, the rustling leaves and sounds of the forest music to her ears. Between that and the soft sound of crickets, Clarke couldn't help but be lulled into an all-encompassing calmness. There was something special about being out in the wild.
Clarke unscrewed the cap from her water bottle and took a sip as she glanced over at Anya, catching the woman staring just before her newest friend quickly looked away. Clarke bit her lip at the reaction, immediately wondering what thoughts were bouncing around in Anya's head.
Just...I have to stay calm and patient. I said what I had to say, even if I kinda made a mess of it, so...so it's going to have to be enough. Ball's in her court, now... Clarke mused, keeping her gaze on Anya until the woman's eyes found her again. She shot the woman a quick smile before scanning the area around her, feeling excited that it was getting darker, almost dark enough for things to start up.
"What are we waiting for, anyway?" Anya called out, cocking her head a little in confusion.
Clarke just laughed, having figured that the woman might have put the puzzle pieces together by then. "Patience is a virtue, Anya. Not long now."
Anya let out a loud groan before getting to her feet and packing her things up. Clarke watched with more than a little curiosity and hope as Anya tromped over, feeling a tiny burst of joy when the woman sat down on her blanket and nudged her to the side to create space. "If I'm going to have to wait without answers, you're going to wait with me." Anya said with a huff as she splayed the blankets across their laps and opened up a Ziploc bag of raisins.
"Raisins? Really?" Clarke asked, peering questionably at the offending bag, knowing that she wouldn't have spent money on raisins unless at gunpoint.
"In moderation, they're a healthy snack, Clarke." Anya noted with a roll of her eyes before bringing a few to her mouth.
"You couldn't pay me to eat those." Clarke said with a laugh, gently nudging her friend's shoulder, drawing a scoff.
"Not even if they were covered in chocolate?" Anya asked, and alright, maybe there was some hesitation. Chocolate was very tasty, after all.
"Okay, maybe then. I'd prefer nuts or something else, I guess." Clarke answered, pulling the blanket a little snugger to fight off the dropping temperature.
Anya gave a slow nod. "Ah, I'm mildly allergic to peanuts and a few others, so I tend to just keep distance from them when I can."
Clarke let that information sink in as the sudden urge to bake cookies at her mom's place overwhelmed her. Me and Anya baking cookies...Anya with flour on her nose... her smacking my hand with a spatula when I try to steal the chocolate chips...her with a little bit of chocolate smeared on her lips when we taste the spoils of our victory... She mused to herself, knowing that she just had to make it happen. Not just for the cookies, but because it could maybe lighten things up a bit.
"So what are we waiting for?" Anya asked, sending Clarke a glare, eyes narrowing in suspicion and annoyance.
Clarke was about to tell Anya to cool her jets or whatever, but a flicker of light to her left had her gaze shifting off into the wild, quickly spotting one firefly, then two, then four.
"That. We were waiting for that." Clarke whispered, pointing off farther into the woods.
Anya's gaze followed and the woman's posture slackened a bit as more and more fireflies lit up synchronously. A minute or two later, the whole area was a light show, the tiny little bugs buzzing around and lighting up in a swirling swarm.
Clarke had seen the event nearly every year for the past ten, and it never got old. Maybe for others, once would be enough, but it was a simple, beautiful little event that she looked forward to each year. One she was thrilled to share with her friends.
She felt Anya's nearest hand blindly pat the space around her before finding Clarke's hand and pulling it into a tight grasp. "It's beautiful..."
Clarke turned her gaze to her friend and felt her heart melt like a marshmallow at how soft and wondrous the woman's expression was, Anya completely mesmerized by the display around her. The fireflies were beautiful, but there in the forest, there was one person who managed to edge them out, and Clarke couldn't take her eyes off of her.
"Yeah...beautiful..." Clarke found herself murmuring, blushing once she'd actually spoken the words aloud. Thankfully, Anya hadn't heard her, and was just softly gazing around them, a bright smile slowly blooming on her lips.
"It's as if they're all dancing together..." Anya spoke in awe, voice all hushed and smooth, as if any loud or sharp words would scare them all away, as if nature was so fragile. It was kind of adorable, really. A few moments later a look of realization came over Anya, soft brown eyes growing wide as she turned her gaze to Clarke and blinked in surprise that their eyes met. "What? Is there something on my face?"
Clarke let out a laugh and shook her head, which only seemed to aggravate Anya. "You're adorable, you know? I'm glad you're enjoying it."
Anya rolled her eyes, but the slightest hint of a smile on those lips had Clarke blooming with confidence that maybe they were getting back to where they were before the clusterfuck. "Thank you for showing this to me. Today has been...well, I'll never forget it, Clarke."
Clarke knew she would be pushing it, but after such a tremendously long day, she needed a shred more clarity. "Like...a good memory, or a bad one?"
The hum Anya let out wasn't so unexpected, but the slight weight of the woman leaning against her was, stealing the air in Clarke's lungs for a long moment. "I want to teach you to dance."
Now, Clarke had a strong mind, one that had been processing all the possible ways their conversations could head in since they'd settled in for the lightshow, but she hadn't expected that. And maybe she blushed a little at the simple affection, and maybe she flushed completely at the thought of dancing with Anya at Lexa's wedding, so maybe she just wasn't capable of speaking for a while.
Thankfully, Anya didn't seem to mind, just smiling off at the flurry of fireflies. "You seemed more than surprised about my dancing the other day in the car when I told you about Bellamy's wedding. I heard from Octavia that you don't know how to dance, among various...colourful descriptions of your attempts in the past." Anya spoke, breaking the silence between them, making Clarke want to find a shovel and bury herself. So maybe she was a horrendous dancer and had a terrible sense of rhythm.
"I don't entirely believe her, but still, I...I spent years learning, Clarke. Every ballroom style, every role. Even less formal styles...just don't ask me to teach ballet, even if I got a rudimentary education in it." Anya added wryly before giving her hand a squeeze and relaxing their grip. "If nothing else, I want us to have some even ground. I think I could be more comfortable with that, knowing I had something to give in return."
Anya's offer, as embarrassed as Clarke might have been from it, both gave her renewed hope and had her feeling a little frustrated. "Anya, it's not a business deal. It's not something we sit down and discuss over what we bring to the table. It's me thinking that I want to be near you, and know more about you, and call you cute names, and hold your hand, and yeah...eventually get to dance with you." Clarke explained cursing how red she knew her cheeks were over the admission. Still, Anya's gaze turned to meet her, and the woman's warm brown eyes were so full of yearning that she had to keep going.
"We can talk about boundaries, and comfort levels, and how fast we want to take this, but that's a two-way street. You're not the only one with hang-ups or baggage, Anya. If we're going to do this...if you're ready and willing to start something with me, then honestly? All I want is you, however much you share with me. And I'll give you every bit of me that you're willing to have." Clarke admitted, teeth immediately finding and gnawing into her lower lip, unsure she'd chosen the right words for her impromptu spiel.
Anya's head fell lightly onto Clarke's shoulder, forcing out a hitched breath at the sensation. She'd come to enjoy Anya being affectionate, even if the woman was often quite simple, straight-forward, and practical about it all. Something as simple as leaning up against her, and using her shoulder as a pillow, had Clarke grinning ear to ear; she'd never felt so happy after such simple affection with anyone else, but with Anya, it felt special. It made her feel special.
So maybe she tilted her head and rested her temple atop Anya's head, breathing in the comfort of knowing that despite her earlier fuck-ups, they'd be moving forward, that she could make up for hurting her newest friend.
That come the wedding, maybe they'd be close enough to dance together under the stars or chandeliers, whichever area of Costia's parents' property they were hosting the dance portion of the reception. That maybe, when she returned to Raleigh after the road trip, maybe she'd have someone nearby to navigate her life with.
Clarke let out an amused sigh as she dismissed all those possibilities so far off in the future. There would be plenty of time for all of that once they figured things out between them.
For now, she'd enjoy the fireflies and the gentle warmth of the body nestled up against her, knowing that if nothing else, she'd managed to salvage their budding connection, whether it led to friendship or something more intimate.
And really, that was enough. It was more than enough.
A/N: Welp, this was another long one, and full of backstory. I considered stretching it out, but I thought it'd fit Anya's character here to just put most of it all out there in the open so that Clarke could better understand her. And then after Clarke screwed up, I thought Anya would need those repetitive reminders of Clarke's feelings for her, and her patience for her, before she'd make any decision.
Anywho, I hope you enjoyed.