Chapter 137

After dinner with the Rivera's, Ava and Rafe drove them back to the hotel while Olivia and Natalia got Emma into bed and then headed out to the bench on the porch, the one they had spent so many nights on in the past. They had tried to make it out there while Olivia was recovering, but between her fatigue and pain, it never seemed to happen. Now, Olivia was dead set on getting their routine back. Full workdays, movie night Fridays, and nightly chats on their bench.

Natalia exited the house balancing two mugs of hot chocolate. Olivia looked up at her from her seat and smiled as she reached for her mug. Natalia slipped in beside her on the old wooden bench and let out a contented sigh. The two looked out over their property, both feeling a sense of calm that had been missing as of late. Natalia slid an arm across the back of the bench behind Olivia and pulled her close. Olivia easily molding into her side, her head laying against her shoulder.

The two quietly drank their coco and gazed out over the lawn, just enjoying the peaceful time they had together, even if it was only for a moment in time, it's what life was made of moments. It was several minutes later when Natalia decided it was time for her wife to talk to her. She knew Olivia had spoken to both Ava and Rafe and knew Olivia had to be feeling something about their conversations. If she knew her, which she did, Olivia was more than likely a little overwhelmed.

Natalia rubbed her hand up and down Olivia's arm and kissed her head. "Baby?"

"Yes sweetheart." Olivia answered, not moving from where she comfortably sat against her wife.

"How did your talk with Ava go earlier?"

Olivia knew that Natalia was building up to talking about how Olivia was feeling, part of her wanted to brush her off, but, she did deserve to know how their children were doing, and in truth, she knew she needed to talk to Natalia about how she was feeling as well. She had promised her, all of them really, that she would take better care of herself, do everything she could to stay with them for as long as possible. A big part of that meant not hiding her feelings, emotionally or physically, from her wife.

"Good. She's still worried about my health. I think everything with Frank, and then with your father made her remember just how terrifying the thought is for her. I don't think she actually dealt with those feelings and fears back when I had my transplant."

Natalia gave her arm a gently squeeze. "Do you think she's dealing with them now?"

"I think she's trying to. Back then, she had barely gotten over Max. I think she just kind of stuffed all those fears down as far as she could and they're just now bubbling over. I mean, her and I, we hadn't had a "mother/daughter" relationship for very long. Everything was just so crazy. We finally started having a relationship and then there was everything with Bill and then Max passed away, she went to a mental hospital, she moved to California, and then there I was, just about dying on her. After already losing her adoptive parents. Then when that's over, Jeffery dies, and I have scare after scare with my heart, and then Frank. It's a lot in just a couple of years."

"Yeah, it is. I wish I could have been there for her. For both of you."

"You're here now." Olivia stated, peering up at her from where her head rest.

Natalia kissed her wife's forehead and smiled. "Yes, and I always will be, until the day I die, for her, for you, for all of you."

The two sat in comfortable silence for a few moments before Olivia spoke again. "She told me she remembers what it was like to see me in that hospital, barely alive, and then after, when I just wanted to die. I don't think I realized then, or even after, how hard that must have been for her, and for Emma. I haven't thought about it really, not until after I talked to Ava today. I remember that I wouldn't even look at them. Emma had drawn me a picture and I didn't even acknowledge it. I'm their mother and I left them to deal with their feelings and their fears on their own. How horrible is that?"

Natalia kissed her head again, just wanting to assure her that she was there. "It's not horrible Olivia. You were hurting too, and you were, confused I think, at first anyways. I really wasn't around, not that often anyways. I couldn't be there, couldn't hardly look at you. But I overheard them a few times. No one wanted to tell you that it was Gus's heart, they all knew how you would react. I couldn't understand it then, why you wouldn't just be happy to be alive. I was so angry with you; you were the first person I have ever said I hated. But I get it now."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, I do. You loved him, maybe as much as I did. Even if it was different and for different reasons. I was so hurt and angry that he died, but you, you had to live with the knowledge that his death saved your life. I know I can never truly know or understand how that feels, but after Frank, I felt a little like that. I felt like it was my fault that he attacked you, that I was unharmed because you took the beating. I know it's different, but I wanted so badly to be the one he hurt. I wanted it to be me in that hospital bed with all those injuries. I hated that I was perfectly fine while you were struggling and we didn't know if you were going to make it through the night, if you would ever open those beautiful eyes again. God Olivia, the thought of not having you, well that hurts more than Gus, more than I can put into words. So even though it's different, I think I do understand a little. Back then, I couldn't see how you could just give up. It made me so angry, but I can see why now. If I had lost you, I just…I can't even think about that."

Olivia moved then, sitting up so she could really look at her wife. She set both their mugs down at their feet and took Natalia's face in her hands. "You listen to me Natalia Spencer-Rivera, that was not your fault. The only person to blame for that is Frank." She said sternly. "Don't you ever think otherwise."

Natalia placed her hands over Olivia's, turning her face to place a kiss on her right palm. "I know that now. Talking with Felicia has helped me come to terms with that, but at the time, I just, I couldn't not blame myself. Just like you couldn't with Gus. It wasn't your fault he died. He was speeding, he wasn't paying attention, and a young boy made a grave mistake. It was not your fault Olivia. And as much as I miss him, I am so thankful that you are here."

"I know, but it is my fault that I wasn't there for my girls. How can I ever make up for that?"

Their hands fell away from her face and joined in her lap. "You were grieving Olivia, Ava understands that. You don't need to make up for it honey because you do. Every single day. Being here, spending time with them, talking with them, that's all they need and all they want. You do make up for it Olivia, every day in so many ways."

"I'm trying."

"You are succeeding. You are such a wonderful mother Olivia. All three of our children are so lucky to have you. So am I."

"I'm the lucky one." Olivia shot back, giving her wife a chaste kiss as she readjusted to lay back against her shoulder.

"Speaking of our three children, how is our son? I know you and him had a pretty emotional talk earlier, before dinner. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything is okay. I think you might need to talk to him at some point. He's being pretty hard on himself right now."

"What? Why?"

"He thinks he did what your parents did when he tried to make you choose between me and him. He feels like he's no better than they are. That's more why he's upset about Isabel and Clara being here, he said they remind him of what an awful thing he did."

"No. What they did and what he did were two very different situations with very big differences. Mainly, him being my son while they were my parents."

"I know, I told him that. I think he's working on coming to terms with it. On realizing that it was different, and forgiving himself, but it's going to take time. I explained my take on why your mom made the choices she did, and I told him that as your son he's allowed to make mistakes. Not that your parents aren't, because they are, everyone is entitled to mistakes, but as your parents, it was their job to protect you, to be there for you, and they weren't. As your son, it's your job to be there for him, and you were, even when he was being an ass. I think he'll be okay; he just needs some time to think through it all. And I think he will forgive your mom; it's just going to take him some time. He's hurt because you were hurt. He understands that Isabel was a child and that she was scared when she got older, but your mom, well he's struggling there, especially because you have always been there for him, no matter how bad he messed up."

"I guess I really do need to talk to him. Thank you for being there for him."

She looked up at her wife then, meeting her eyes. "I will always be here for him, just like I will always be here for you, and for our daughters. How are you doing? I know your mom being here is hard for you."

"I'm fine honey, I'm more worried about you."

"Me? Why are you worried about me?"

"Your headache, and you looked so tired all day, you have for a few days now. I'm sorry I've been too wrapped in my own drama to really notice."

"Baby, it's okay. You have a lot going on and I'm just trying to be here for. You have nothing to do with my headache or my fatigue."

"You are here for me Olivia. You have been my rock through all of this. I don't think I could do it without you."

"Well, it's a good thing you'll never have to." She leaned up and kissed her then, soft, and sweet but so full of love.

When they pulled back, Natalia was smiling at her. "I love you Olivia."

"I love you too sweetheart."

"So, what does have you so tired?"

"I think I just dove straight into work a little too hard. We have so much going on and I really want to be back on top of things. I know you're going to tell me I need to slow down. That you and the kids can handle it, but I've always known what's going on with my business, and lately, I feel a little like an outsider. I didn't even know how well both of our hotels have been doing, I haven't talked to Andrew in weeks, and now we have St. Louis to staff and open. It was just a little overwhelming today and caused a headache."

"I understand Olivia, I know you like to know every detail of your hotels…"

"Our hotels." Olivia corrected.

"Yes, our hotels, but honey, you still need to be taking it easy. I know Rick cleared you for full days at work, but you can't get caught up in a day honey. I'm still behind too. I can't even tell you how many emails I still need to respond to, and I'm trying to get venders lined up for St. Louis, and I'm even more behind now that mama and Isabel are here. But I'm not worried. Do you know why?"

"Why?" She asked smiling at her wife.

"Because we always get through whatever is going on, together. This is no different, yes, we have a lot to do, but we'll get it done, and we have people to help us. So, please, promise me you won't take on too much, and that you'll come to me when you're feeling like this."

"I will, I promise. And speaking of venders, you can cross them off your list, I've tasked Ashley and Isabel with that job as part of planning the opening."

"Honey, are you sure? Neither of them have any experience and we need venders to open."

"I know, but I have faith in them."

"You have a feeling about them too? Like with me and Rafe."

"Yeah, something like that. I know Ashley is very much like Doris and will succeed in whatever she puts her mind too, and Isabel, well I just have a feeling about her, I know she's up to the task. Hey, how are you feeling about Isabel quitting her job and moving here?"

"I'm not sure to be honest. I mean, I knew mama would be staying the moment I saw her. Papa will never forgive her for disobeying him, but I always figured Isabel would go back to her life in Chicago."

"Me too, but I think this might be a good thing. We are going to be very busy for the next little while, her being here will be helpful with your mom."

"I know, but what is she going to do for work? Where are they going to live? They can't stay at the hotel forever."

"We'll figure it out sweetheart. For now, Isabel is focusing on the opening in St. Louis, that will keep her busy for a while, and if she needs it, I'll give her an advance. But I don't think she will, it's only a couple of weeks before the opening and her and I spoke about her finical situation, I think she'll be fine. As for their living arrangements, they have the hotel for now, and we'll worry about long term after the opening."

"And what about a long-term job for Isabel? There isn't a lot in this town and nothing that even compares to her job in Chicago."

"It will all work out honey. Who knows, if she and Ashley do good, they might both have a full-time job with us. If they want it. Greg needs an assistant at this point, and as we grow our business we will need help with these sorts of things, not to mention, Ashley is really good a web design. Although she did use those powers for evil." Natalia looked at her confused, one brow raised.

"It was before you came to Springfield, but Ashley had a pretty scandalous webpage going for a while, it hurt a lot of people. Not the point though. The point is we could use someone to make a webpage for our hotels and manage cyber promotions. I think Isabel could be good with that too. She said she had to organize lunch ins when they had health reform meetings, and she had to come up with promotional campaigns as well. I don't know if either of them will except the job, and the offer will depend on how they do with the opening, but there are possibilities for Isabel here."

"Thank you Olivia."

"For what?"

"For thinking about my sister, for allowing her to be a part of our families business."

"Well, she's your family, so, if she does good in St. Louis, and she wants a job with us, we'll find one for her."

Natalia kissed her head several times, allowing her lips to linger. "You are so amazing. What would I ever do without you?"

Olivia sat up again, bringing their faces within inches of each other. "You will never have to find out baby." She kissed her again, her tongue sneaking out to taste her wife's lips. Just as the kiss was deepening, headlights came down the drive and Ava and Rafe pulled into Rafe's usual parking spot, both of them laughing as they exited his truck and approached their mothers.

"Hey, you two, what took you so long?" Natalia asked as she tighten her arms around her wife.

"Oh, we ran into Ashley and ended up hanging out with her and Isabel at Watershed for a little while. Sorry, we should have text." Ava said sheepishly.

"It's okay. I'm glad you two had some fun with your friends, but yes, please let us know next time so we don't worry."

"We will ma."

"Good."

"Alright, I'm gonna head to bed, I need to be at the office early tomorrow. I love you guys." Ava said, kissing both their cheeks.

"Yeah, me too." Rafe agreed, kissing both of her mother's on the forehead. "Love you guys."

The two headed around the side of the house towards Ava's apartment. Olivia glanced at Natalia and then called after them. "Rafe, are you using the side door?"

"Uh, no. I'm actually gonna stay at Ava's."

"Oh, okay. You two get some sleep though, we have a lot to get done this week before we head to St. Louis."

"We know mom. Good night."

Olivia just shook her head as she watched them disappear and then looked at her wife. "You ready to head in? We should probably get some sleep too."

"You're right. It's getting late." She bent to retrieve their mugs and then stood, holding a hand to her wife. "I'll just rinse these and lock up the house. I'll meet you upstairs."

"Okay, don't be long."

"I won't, I promise." The two shared a quick kiss before Olivia headed up the stairs and Natalia went to the kitchen.

The next two days seemed to fly by. Olivia, Ava, and Rafe working well past five to get everything squared away at the Beacon Springfield as well as preparing for their trip to St. Louis. Natalia helped out as much as possible but was splitting her time between helping with the hotel and spending time with her mother. At least Isabel was busy with Ashley planning their opening so Natalia didn't need to stretch herself too thin going in too many different directions.

Josh had called and was more than pleased with their St. Louis property. As he suspected, they would more then be ready to open. There were a few minor things being finished, and the interior designer still had plenty of work to do, but all in all, they would definitely be open by the end of the month.

It was now Friday and Natalia was in Clara's room, helping her pack for their trip. She had taken her shopping the day before for some new clothes and a new suitcase. Clara had been resistant at first, but eventually caved and allowed Natalia to buy things for her. Just as Natalia had been at first, Clara was also too proud to accept anything from anyone. However, she knew she didn't have much of a choice since she left her husband, but she only wanted help with things that were absolutely necessary and she planned on looking for job when they returned from St. Louis. Just this once though, she allowed Natalia to spend money on things she didn't really need, mainly because of the joy she could see written on her daughters face.

"Natalia." Clara said as she watched Natalia neatly fold a pair of slacks and place them in her suitcase.

"Yeah mama."

"I've been wanting to talk to you about something, well, actually I've been wanting to show you something." She said with a slight nervousness to her voice.

Natalia set down the garment she was folding and moved to sit beside her mother on the bed. "What is it mama?"

"Could you go and grab the box out of the closet by the door?"

"Um, okay." Natalia said, a little confused, but did as she was asked none the less. She walked back into the room only a minute later with the box in hand, setting on the bed, she took at seat again, the box between her and her mother. "Here you go mama."

"Thank you."

"What's with the box Mama?"

"This box is one of my most prized possessions mija."

"Oh."

"Yes, I know, it looks like nothing more than an old ratty box, but, it holds my most precious memories inside. Memories your father couldn't take from me no matter how hard he tried." She stated, tears forming behind her eyes.

"Mama?"

Instead of answering, Clara opened the box and began to pull objects out. There were several photo albums and loose photos, an old newspaper, what looked like a baby book, and there, at the bottom, was an old shoe box. Clara wordlessly handed Natalia the baby book and the newspaper.

Natalia took the items, her hands trembling slightly. Looking down, she noticed the paper was from the day she was born but it was the book that took her breath away. There, written in her mother's beautiful bold script was her name, 'Natalia Maria Rivera.' Tears sprang to her eyes as she opened the book, an old sonogram staring back at her from the first page.

Clara sat silently, tears running down her own cheeks as she watched her daughter flip through the pages of her baby book. Every major event captured with a photo and a short story. Up until her first day of pre-school was in that book. Warn in spots, and some of the pages clearly had dried tear drops on them, but it was the first four years of Natalia's life beautifully put together by her mother.

As she closed the book, she wiped at her faces with the back of her hand and reached for her mother. "You kept this? All these years?"

Clara sniffed, trying in vain to control her tears. "Of course, I did Natalia."

"But papa…"

"Tried to erase you from my life, but he couldn't. You are my daughter Natalia, and I loved you from the moment I knew I was pregnant with you. I never stopped mija, not for a moment. He may have taken your pictures from our walls, but he couldn't take you from my heart. I went through this box every Thursday, while your father was out playing poker. I know it doesn't make up for anything, but I thought of you everyday Natalia. And I never, not even for a second, tried to forget about you, or pretend you weren't my daughter."

Natalia threw her arms around her mother's neck, sobbing into her shoulder. "I know mama. I know."

Clara held her for a few moments, peppering her head and face with kisses before she pulled back and reached for the shoe box. "This big box contains every photo ever taken of you. The ones of just you, but also the ones with Javier and Isabel, as well as every family photo ever taken. But this box, this little box has some of my favorite items in it."

"What's in it?" Natalia asked, so much like Emma would.

Clara chuckled a little at the child like wonder in her eldest daughters voice. "Here, open it."

Natalia opened the box and gasped. There inside, was everything she had ever made for her parents. Mostly school crafts and homemade cards, but at the bottom, buried under illegible cards and unrecognizable pictures, was a clay handprint. It was made on Natalia's last day of pre-school. She remembered presenting it to her mother after their small graduation ceremony. Her hand flew to her mouth as she lifted it from the box. Her hand had been so small. Smaller then Rafe's had been in the similar clay handprint she had of him. When she really looked at it, she saw Emma's handprint, the one that sat on Olivia's desk in their home office. She smiled as that thought ran through her mind. She and Olivia truly were meant to be.

"I…I don't know what to say. Isabel…Isabel said that papa burned everything. How, how did you keep all of this?"

"He thought he burned it. He asked me to gather everything that was yours from the home. And I did. Your toys that remained from when you were little, your sheets and blankets, everything. Every photo was removed, every school project taken down. I gave him a box full of blank papers, some of your school reports from when you were older on top, and a picture of you and Nicky. I gave him all of you material possessions, and he burned it all in the back yard until there was nothing left. But not these. These things that truly matter, these I hid in this very box, at the back of your and Isabel's closet, hidden by Isabel's spare sheets and blankets, until I felt safe to move it. Then I put it at the very back of my closet, where I could easily access it. He may have suspected that this box existed, but he never questioned it, and I never brought it up."

She stood up and walked over to one of her old suitcases, unzipping it, she pulled out Natalia's baby blanket, the yellow one her mother had knitted while she was pregnant, Natalia's name stitched in the bottom left corner in pink yarn. "I saved this as well, in the back of the hall closet where towels and spare sheets are kept."

Natalia was astonished. She had thought that her mother had tried to forget her, like her father had, like he demanded Isabel and Javi do. She knew she was wrong from what Isabel had told her previously, but seeing all of this, that her mother had kept her alive in the only way she could, it made Natalia's heart ache for all those lost years.

"I know this probably doesn't mean much. I should have done more, done something to stop him, but once you were gone, I used these things to always keep you fresh in my memory and close to my heart."

"Oh mama. This means so much. I know you did what you thought you had to. I may not agree with it, but I'm trying to understand it. And I forgive you, I forgave you such a long time ago. This, this is amazing. I can't believe you did this."

"I couldn't let him burn it. This is you, your life, and I couldn't let him take it from me. He may have physically taken you away, but he could never take you from my heart." A beat of silence passed as the two stared at each other, wordlessly saying so much more than words ever could. Eventually Clara broke the eye contact and grabbed her purse, pulling a single piece of paper from inside. She sat next to Natalia and took her hand.

"Do you know what made me decide to take Rafael up on his offer?" Natalia shook her head, still unable to form words. "This." She handed over the warn paper, a slight tear in the center of it from being folded and unfolded so many times. "I was sitting on my bed, thinking about my life, about you. I was so scared to walk away from everything I knew. I had almost decided that I couldn't do it. I was so afraid that you wouldn't want me here. But then, the box fell, I must have knocked it getting out my luggage. This fell out of the top."

Natalia looked down at the paper in her hands. Carefully unfolding it. "My birth certificate?"

"Yes mija. I picked this up from the ground and looked at it. Proof that I had birthed you, that no matter what you were my daughter, and I knew, right then, that I had to risk everything. That I couldn't let you slip through my fingers once more."

Natalia stared at the paper in her hands, reverently running her fingers over the ink. She was crying again, but these fresh tears were mostly happy ones. Happy that her mother had the strength to finally walk away from her father and reclaim not only her daughter, but herself in the process.

After a few moments, she gently set her birth certificate down on the bed and fell into her mother's arms. Weeping for all of the lost years, the lost opportunities, the lost hugs, and 'I love yous.' Clara held her daughter close, as if she was a small child again. She kissed the top of her head over and over again. Each kiss a reassurance that she was there and that she wasn't going anywhere. Never again would she leave her daughter, not until she took her very lest breath.