Ash did not go and see either of the girls despite what he said to Cynthia.
In almost a feverish run, he returned to his room, locked the door shut and started writing in a thick notebook.
With his back against the door, his eyes focused squarely on what he was writing, he forced himself to remember.
He remembered.
Everything.
He wanted to punch something, he wanted to run, he wanted nothing more then to be alone for the next few days.
He wrote feverishly, starting with the day he was abducted at the Sinnoh League, all of the way to the mid point of the first year in the first notebook. When it was filled to the very end, details pouring in every little corner, he grabbed another and started again.
He wrote without blinking, his fingers on automatic as he went through pencil after pencil, page after page.
He wrote the smallest details, like how he remembered a specific dish tasting, to the intense burning of the knife in his back.
He wrote, because if he didn't.
He'd kill himself.
The veins in his arms stuck out, his arms taught like a bow string. His jaw was clenched shut, and his grip on the pencil was all but snapping it in two.
He hated himself.
He remembered.
He wanted to kill himself.
He lied.
He cheated.
He loved.
He remembered.
Another note book filled and he tossed it to the side, taking a fourth and hesitating before starting.
He was nearing the point of his return to Pallet. He could see it clear as day in his minds eye, he could hear the thoughts that took place in his mind when he saw her, what lengths he was willing to go to to protect the most important people in the world to him.
He threw the book across the room as if he'd been scalded, looking at his hand with large nervous eyes.
He'd done things.
He'd done things that he...
He shook his head, and ripped his shirt off, throwing it into a clump on his bed.
He should be dead. He wanted to be dead.
That`s why he entered Indigo. He knew what the outcome would have been, or at least he thought he did.
What had truly happened; his breathing became coarse, heavy with emotion as he drew his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms tight around them.
He remembered all to clearly what had happened when he had awoken at the Rocket Facility one year ago...
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
His vision was splotchy, a thick white blur as he heard the chittering of machines around him, the small talk of men and woman around him.
"Blood levels increasing,"
"Body temperature reaching approximate temperature,"
"Brain activity reaching stability,"
He groaned, and moved his fingers slowly before flexing them both for feeling. When they both clenched into fists, he started blinking rapidly to clear his vision. Slowly the blurs began to take shape in the form of people, and then the machines he was hooked up to became visible.
His head rose, he was tilted on an 110 degree angle, he moved his arms and saw they were bound to the board he lay on.
Not again, no no- "NO!" His voice screamed through the room, and all personal snapped towards him, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!"
He screamed, pulling against the binds which held him securely to the table. His heartbeat amplified, throbbing all over his body as he heard the moan of steel bending.
He felt like the veins in his arms were about to burst, the adrenaline pumping furiously through him like hot lava.
Medical personal in the room started to swarm towards him, shouting to get him under-control.
His scream continued, and with what appeared to be superhuman strength, he tore off the right restraint of the board (Ripping a chunk off with it), and shot out towards the nearest doctor.
Ashs hand grabbed her collar, and he heaved her over his body, and sent her sailing over herself across the medical room into a pile of carts which housed an assortment of tools. She landed with a crash, sending instruments scattering across the room.
She was now unconscious.
"GET HIM SEDATED!"
Ashs furious glare shot to his right, where he noticed for the first time the large glass observation window. And behind it, Giovanni holding a microphone to his mouth, and Domino standing at his side.
A doctor came, needle in hand towards the side which hand wasn't free, but was grabbed as Ash twisted over, grabbed him with his free hand, and repeated the action from before.
Although this time the doctor was thrown hard into the window, "LET ME GO YOU SOME OF A BITCH!" Ash shouted, before screaming as he pulled against the remaining brace.
"I"LL KILL YOU!"
Another nurse came his way, and he attempted to fend her off as multiple doctors begun advancing on him.
And unfortunately, one hand was far from enough to defend against eight attackers when you were immobile.
A needle was driven deep into his neck, and he cried out at the sharp pain. He growled, fought against the numbness which began spreading across his body, "I'll kill you Giovanni, I don't have any god dam idea what you're doing... But I swear I'll kill you,"
The Team Rocket Boss seemed unaffected by his words, "I'm afraid I can't allow that to happen Ash," He said in a tone reminiscent of the one he had used when he planned for something big, "it'll be hard for you to do that when your still working in the field,"
His body felt as if his bones had disappeared completely as he lay with his head lolled to the side, and his body slumped the other, "I'll kill myself before I work for you again," He growled, it seemed his jaw and tongue still functioned properly, "Nothing in this world would bring me to rejoin Team Rocket. Nothing,"
Giovanni grinned, the grin which told him otherwise, "We'll see about that in a few hours son," if eyes could kill, Giovanni would be up in flames long ago, "you won't remember this conversation, or the last 18 years of your life soon enough anyways,"
"What!?" He spat, "what do you plan on doing? Wiping my memory?"
"Precisely,"
Ash growled, "You're fucking insane Gio," He said lowly, "You, that blond bitch beside you," He saw Domino stiffen and he smirked, "no matter what happens, I won't forget. I won't forget you, Domino, anything. Because, I don't want to forget how much I want to place my knife into your fucking heart. I want to watch you bleed Gio, I'm going to fucking end you and Team Rocket."
Giovanni scowled, "You don't have to forget for long boy," He growled in a chilling voice, which had no affect what-so-ever on Ash, "just long enough for you to give me what I need?"
"And that is?" He said sarcastically, desperately trying to regain feeling of his fingers.
"What it is doesn't concern you-"
"Apparently it does if you need me to find it you idiot!"
Giovanni looked to the nurses, eyes burning with anger, "WILL YOU SHUT HIM UP!" He shouted angrily into the microphone.
Ash grinned a delirious grin, "Whatever it is Gio, you and Domino can go fuck yourselves cause I'll rot before I hand over whatever the hell you're looking for,"
"It's not the question of when you hand it over brat," He snarled, "it's a question of when it will reveal itself to you,"
What? What would- From the corner of his eye, he saw a nurse had injected him with another needle, after a few seconds passed his mind became hazy.
While he still had the chance, he shouted in a drunken voice, "It's not over Gio! Not yet! Not until the fat lady sings, and I plan on... On... Makin you gud dmn holla!"
His ears started ringing, and the last voice he heard clearly chilled his heart, "I look forward to working with you Ketchum," It was Domino, "It's been a long time in coming just so you know,"
And then, only a few seconds later, he was unconscious. A couple minutes after that? his memory was wiped, a few hours?
He had become Shayne.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Ash tore out the sheet he had been writing on, tossed it into the corner of the room and started again. He had to sort out everything that had happened, every little detail.
It had to be precise.
Changes had been made to his personality, Shayne had taken over and... And done things that he, Ash, would never have done...
Or at least thought he wouldn't have.
But had the occasion arised... And the need necessary...
He flipped the page, and continued on as he wrote up to the events a few weeks after he visited Misty in Cerulean before Indigo.
He remembered their relationship, he remembered it like the back of his god damn hand. But times had changed, reasons had changed.
He glanced away from the note book, and to the stack across from him.
He couldn`t... He couldn`t ask for it to start back up, it would... It would turn the tables, make things worse then it already was.
He shoved the thought from his mind and got back to work, his fingers cramping as the led snapped on his twenty third pencil. He`d think over his actions regarding the two-
His head snapped back up and his hand clenched, the pencil snapped into two and fell away.
Make that three... He thought, eyes filled with conflicting emotions.
He shoved that thought aside as well, he didn't have time for that. Giovanni was planning, working, wanting to get him back.
It couldn`t happen, he was safe for the mean time.
But when the HQ became compromised, he was going solo. No Pokemon save for Espeon, he, and his bike.
No one, and nothing-
He glanced up for the hundredth time and tore free an untouched piece of paper, and scribbled down a few notes.
He set it beside him, tore free another, and scribbled down a few more before starting back up on the note books.
He'd get those items later.
For now though, he finished the last year of his life.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
He didn't sleep that night, and he sat against the door the entire time. When the note books had been completed he read each of them.
Four times over.
He had to make sure he remembered and understood everything that had taken place. His reasonings for doing what he did, why he went from one place to another, why he requested certain tasks from people.
With bags under his eyes, he looked to lone turned on monitor and looked at the time. It was 6 PM. He'd been doing this for almost 24 hour-
He jumped, the notebook in his laps soaring into the air and flat onto the ground as someone rapped on the door.
He didn't speak, but when he heard the voice a small breath of relief escaped him, "Ash?" It was Cynthia again, "are you in there?" she asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, Cynthia..." His voice was tired and he kept the yawn from coming out, "What is it?"
When she spoke she sounded surprised at how close to the door he sounded, "Are... Are you alright in there, you haven't spoken to the girls yet,"
He didn't reply right away, but scooted so he was alongside the door frame, and with one hand reached up and unlocked the door. Before turning the knob and awkwardly pulling it open.
He heard the gasp before he actually saw her, "A-Ash," The Sinnoh Champion whispered, seeing the torn out and crumpled paper scattered across the room, the piles of notebooks spread out along the floor, "you're not alright,"
Ash looked to his mess, regarded it, and said, "I can't... I can't face them yet, I'm not ready. I have to... Understand everything first,"
She saw the dark rings beneath his eyes and closed the door to the room, "You haven't slept," She said slowly, before looking to a red notebook and picking it up.
She thumbed open cover and frowned as she saw the wall of text on the first page. She turned to the next, and saw the exact same thing.
"October 8th," She read aloud, "Rockets bi-passed route 204, entered rundown building. Six dead, three wounded, 307 released Pokemon back into the wild..." She turned the page, "October 17th, Ruins of Alph, Rocket excavation team, 12 dead, 1 wounded, 32 Pokemon turned loose, and entrance implausible..."
She looked to him gray eyes shining with worry as he stared at the computer set up across from him, "Is this a journal Ash?"
"Of everything that's happened, everything."
She skimmed through the rest, finding more detailed logs through out, where it showed his thoughts on the situation, his findings, and damn near anything that he could put into words to the scene he had witnessed.
It was like a twisted sort of novel of journal entries and short stories, "Are all of these," She didn't finish as he nodded.
"I did things Cynthia,"He said softly, "I can look fine, I can put on a mask... But, as Shayne I wouldn't have batted an eye at any of the thing's I've done... But, what I did as Ash, and Shayne... I, I can't overlook that,"
She flipped through the book, seeing the hundreds, if not thousands of words written on the lined pages. She said carefully, but entirely serious, "Would you like me to hire someone Ash?"
He looked away from the monitors and to her not understanding what she meant, "A psychiatrist, or somebody you could speak to about... All of this?"
"No," He said it in the same soft tone he used before, "it won't help Cynthia, trust me. And no offense, but I'm not big on bitching about my problems to strangers so," He tried to smile, but it was of little effort.
"Ash," Her tone sympathetic, "This isn't something you should keep bottled up, honestly. If not to a physiatrist, then a friend or family member at the most,"
He was shaking his head, "To them, mum, Misty, Alyssa... Lance, and Steven, I have to appear strong, unaffected. I have to greet them with a smile on my face whether I want to or not,"
"Ash,"
"Only Alyssa has seen me at..." He cleared his throat, "at my ends, where I just want to let everything go and... And..." He shook his head, "I can't show them that I feel unstable, I know for a fact they'd keep me from doing any Rocket business so I could relax even just for a day through all of this. And if they tried, I'd leave Cynthia, on my own. I can locate Giovanni by myself, it will take time, but at least I'd be doing something."
He paused and ran a hand through his hair, "I'm obsessed with it, as soon as my memories came back," He snapped his fingers, "Snap, Giovanni is all that I can think about. That's why I wrote these out, for the slivers of details that I may have missed before. For the one detail that would send me directly to him,"
"You can't do this on your own Ash, it's not humanly possible,"
Here he cracked a grin, little humor behind it, but it was progress none the less, "Have you seen me Cynthia?" He asked with a dry chuckle, "I've said this before, I should be dead. I've done things no human should have ever done. I've died a few times, had life threatening injuries and situations, and yet I come out unscathed save for a new scar here or there,"
"You say it..." Cynthia trailed off hesitantly, "so easily Ash, just a new scar,just a few life threatening situations... I know you've gone thorugh a lot, but shouldn't there be I don't know... Hope that once this is all over you can do something with your life? You risk yourself so hard, your limiting the chances of having a normal life once Team Rocket is disbanded,"
The eyes that met her own were emotionless, and in a calm almost eerily monotone Ash said, "I had my chance of a normal life taken from me at the end of the Sinnoh League Cynthia, after that, normal is out of the question. My hands are stained and there's no removing them without drastic actions. What happens when this is all over isn't on my mind, for now, until it actually comes true, is finding and killing Giovanni."
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
A few hours later, he stacked the notebooks and put them alongside his bed for further reading later on.
After his and Cynthia's discussion, he had decided it would be best -he had to ask for a few favors afterall- to go let the others know. He knew what he had to do in some cases, regarding the girls, whether he went a head and did it...
Well that was a different story all together.
So his first stop was the cafeteria, as he had not eaten since the day he'd taken the drug.
He ate carefully, and slowly taking in the HQ building like he'd never been there before. It was a sort of deja-vu as he walked around, like he was seeing the building through another persons eyes.
So he sat.
And he ate.
And when he was full, he returned the tray he had taken and started to walk aimlessly around the building.
He had no idea who he should begin with, Misty, his mother, Alyssa, maybe Pikachu?
He knew one thing though, no matter who it was he would not shed a single tear. He had nothing to cry about after all.
What would he say? Sup guys I'm back, the good ol' Ash Ketchum you all know and love? The one obsessed with Giovanni, the one who want's to kill himself?
Yeah, that would go over smoothly.
So he walked around, hoping more or less to run into someone he knew. When he didn't he sighed and headed back towards the rooms.
"Looks like Mist is first up," He mumbled under his breath. Her room was first, then down the hall and around the corner would be Alyssa, his mother was on the next bend, his was down at the bottom of T section, and Sues would be just passed his mothers.
Man, there were quite a few people here.
"Things just keep on getting more and more complicated,"
He ended up, a minute or two later outside of Mistys room. He stood there in his jeans and plain black T with his eyebrows knotted together as he thought of how to start this.
His mind was drawing a blank, so he raised his fist and knocked.
He heard her first, as she stood from what sounded like her bed before coming over to the door.
And with the mask set on his face, he let the grin slip on his face as she appeared in the door frame, dressed in her bright red pajamas, "A-Ash?" She asked, head tilting to the side in confusion, "I thought you were..." She trailed off seeing the grin on his face, "W-What?"
"Come on Mist," His voice was light, and her eyes flashed with recognition, "I think you know,"
And she did, she sprang forward feeling the pressure behind her eyes as soon as her arms flung around him, "Ash!" She exclaimed in disbelief, her voice cracking, "I-It's you!" She felt his arms wrap around her and pull her close.
The tears trailed like comets down her cheeks, "When... You, a mission and... And..." She trailed off finding words difficult to come by as he rested his cheek on the top of her head.
"It's me Mist," He muttered rubbing small circles on her back, and slowly beginning to rock her back and forth.
She recognized the action immediately, and squeezed him tighter, "You were dead," She whispered into his chest, shutting her eyes to try and fend off the tears which cascaded from her eyes, "You died again, b-but you came back. You left us, you-you-you,"
He brought her over to her bed and sat her down, before doing the same and allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder as she sorted out her words, "Do you remember?"
His hand continued the circles, and he felt her muscles relaxing steadily, "I remember Mist," His voice soft, silky... Alluring, "ask me anything, and I can answer,"
"Who was your first capture?" It came out in a whisper, and her cerulean eyes looked up into his brown.
"Caterpie, in Viridian. Then Pidgeotto a day later, Caterpie evolved and I battled against the Samurai kid Metapod veruses Metapod,"
A small laugh escaped her mouth, "You were an idiot,"
"Were?"
"Is," She corrected, a smile of her own working onto her lips, "Tell me something only you would know, not... Not-"
"Shayne?" And she nodded against him, "well, you and I duked it out for Totodile," He said looking skyward, "then the one I guess your looking for-" Her head raised, and her eyes widened in surprise as he finished, "was that you were my first girlfriend," He paused, "I think, more or less. Details are sketch,"
"S-So..." She looked at him unsure of what to say, his eyes and face were unreadable, nothing new there, "You remember?"
"Told ya, I'm back,"
She continued staring at him, eyes searching, "A-And what about... What about us?"
His eyebrow rose and he let out a long sigh, "Well to be frank Mist," He said casually, "relationships are the least of my worries at the moment,"
"Huh?" She blinked and her mouth fell open as if she hadn't heard right.
"Well, think about it. I'm on the run, I'm traveling across the world daily, I'm hunting Giovanni, and trying to stop world domination. I don't got time for a girlfriend,"
Affection is a weakness.
"B-but..." She trailed off unsure of what to say. Because realistically, it was true. He didn't have time to deal with the everyday doings of boyfriend/girlfriend.
As he said, he's trying to stop the world from being taken over.
"I mean afterwards," he drawled, "Who knows, hell as is, I may not even get an afterwards-"
"Don't say that Ash," His eyebrow rose at the tinge of anger he heard, "everything that's happened isn't your fault-"
"Well that's debatable really," He said scratching his chin, "cause honestly Mist, the things I've done-"
"It doesn't matter," She said cutting him off, "you're going to get through this, then you're going to start training again, and than become a Pokemon Master, got it Ketchum!?"
Well he didn't believe that one bit, but he'd play along, "Got it Mist," He laughed, "do ya know if Alyssa is still up, I gotta go let her and mum know I'm... Well me again,"
"She finished in the gym about ten minutes ago, so she may be showering,"
He nodded thoughtfully, "Got it," He said standing up, "I'm sleeping in late tomorrow, and I'm guessing dinner is when I'll be up, so tomorrow night should we grab dinner?"
Her eyes lit up at the prospect, "I'd love to!"
"Alright then, I'll see you tomorrow Mist, G'night," He gave her a smile and left the room, but before the door shut entirely he poked his head back in and said, "If you haven't called up Dawn and May yet, you can forget about it. I remember it all," With that and a grin he left the room and started down the hall.
Leaving a grinning brunette sitting on her bed.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
He already had an idea for Alyssa as he stopped outside her door. He leaned against the doorframe, knocked twice and waited.
He heard her shuffling something, before coming over and pulling open the door, "Hel-Ash?" She asked drawing back in surprise.
He saw it in her posture before he said a single word, the grin alone enough to let her know things were back to normal.
"Nice pj's," He teased.
Her mouth gaped open, and her eyes shone with unshed tears, "A-Ash?" She whispered reaching out to poke his chest.
"Aly," his tone softened considerably, and she took in a deep breath.
He expected her to come in for a hug, not assault him like she did.
"YOU JERK!" She shouted diving at him.
He fell back in surprise as she dove atop him, knees pinning him to the ground as she started punching him in the chest, "YOU! YOU IDIOT!"
"A-Aly! OW!" Al-"
"You stupid stupid, thinking of killing yourself, and you and your- stupid stupid idiot!" She hammered away, and Ash frantically blocked what he could.
"Alyssa!"
She stopped briefly, "You... You..."
"Idiot?" He guessed, a small smile playing on his lips.
It didn't help the situation, "Telling me they're going to kill you! Going on your own stupid will! Do you know what that's like!? Having the biggest idiot on the damn planet as your best friend!?"
She punched him again in the chest, but this time with less strength, "Do you know what it's like to know that you'd never talk to you're best friend again? After everything seemed alright? A-After you got shot, and then awoke in the hospital. T-Then," She sniffed and brought the back of her hand across her eyes.
"I... I hate you, you know that right?"
"Aly," His voice carried to her and now the first tear fell.
"I... I never want you to do that again Ash," A tear fell onto his cheek, "it hurt so much,"
He brought his arms up, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him.
And then she cried.
He held her tightly, like he did back at the Academy when things got to rough for either of them. He did the small circles on her back like she liked, and talked softly to her, telling her it was alright.
That he promised to never do it again.
When she began to calm, he lifted her chin so he could see her eyes. They were red, as well as her tear stained cheeks, "Ya know I hate seeing you cry Aly," He whispered reaching up and wiping away the few tears still on her cheeks.
She sniffed, "I hate you for being an idiot," She rebutted, "a lot,"
He smiled, "Course you do," She sat up, before climbing off him, "I'll be honest,
I expected different,"
A small smile had begun to form in the corner of her lips as they sat out in the hall, "What?" She asked rubbing her palms against her eyes, "lookin for me to throw my arms around you and jump for joy?"
He shrugged, "Would be nice,"
A small laugh escaped her, "Jerk,"
"Blondie," Her smile widened, and he stood up, offering his hands out to her which she took gratefully.
"There was no mission, was there?"
He shook his head, "Nope, been in a coma for four days,"
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion as she entered her room, him following behind her, "It's been five and a half days since I've seen you," She said, "What have you been doing for the other day?"
He didn't look at her, and she had a moment of fear grab her, "A-Ash, what have you been-"
"I've been thinking things through Aly, that's it. Getting things sorted out," That was as close to the truth as she was going to get, "I promise,"
"S-So you... You really remember then, that Shayne stuff is over?"
He nodded, "Gone,"
"For good?"
"For good," he confirmed.
Only now did her arms wrap around him, "I've got questions," She whispered into his chest, "a lot of them,"
"I'll answer them tomorrow," He said softly, "most of them anyways,"
"You were really Dominos... Partner?" She looked at him, with eyes that hoped he made it up on the spot.
He let out air through his nose, "Yes, she retrained me. I became her partner, although the uh, hallucinations and voices kept me out of the field. So we never did assignments together," But we did plenty of other stuff.
He felt her relax in his arms, "Good," She muttered, "is that why you let her go? You and her... Became friends, right?"
Ash was silent for a few moments until a small laugh escaped him, "Forgot how quick you were on some things Alyssa,"
"What happens to her?" She continued, "are you going after her?"
"No," This was eating at her, and he knew why. Domino had been the bane of his existence almost as long as Giovanni. Cause the boss never got his hands dirty when it came to torture, or beatings.
Except on that one occasion.
So Dom had come along on occasion, fairly rare occasions, but I digress.
"I gave her the option to run, leave Team Rocket. But if she returns, she's going down like the rest,"
She rested her head on his bicep and closed her eyes, "I want..." She trailed off and his eyebrow rose, "I want back in,"
"No," The word came without hesitation, "Absolutely not,"
"I can hel-"
"You can help by feeding me information, I won't bring you out into the field Alyssa. It's different then it was then,"
"It's not-"
"Giovanni won't be out in the open," Ash cut off, "you're barret will be of no use,"
"Then I'll be your six,"
He was shaking his head, "Aly, I'm not putting you in danger,"
"Then I'll sign with the G-Men," She said stubbornly, "get them to train me,"
Aly," His tone lowered and told her to be careful.
"Or you could get me back into shape, and know of my abilities,"
He ran his hands through his hair, "You..." Now he was actually at a loss for words, "why?"
"Because I know you Ash," She said simply, "if you're going to die, then I'm gonna be there right alongside you when you do,"
The blue eyes he knew all to well told him that she was serious, that she would do whatever it takes to follow him out into the field.
Whether he wanted it or not, he knew that his partner was back in the game.