A/N: A little slice of life silliness for my friend split-n-splice who is in for more of an ordeal than what Drakken goes through in this ficlet... Feel better, friend!

Oh look, my 50th tiny one-shot. Yay me!

Distraction Worth Chewing On

Shego watched as Drakken chewed his sandwich slowly with far too much focus in the lab of their Alpine lair. One corner of her mouth quirked upward.

"Doc, can you explain that device you're working on again?"

Drakken perked up and began talking before he'd even swallowed.

"Of course, Shego. The super hypollin— Ow!"

Shego's half-grin broadened into a smirk.

"You need a dentist."

"No I do not— Ow!"

"First of all, don't talk with your mouth full, that's disgusting. And yeah, you're not convincing me that that pickle and cheese sandwich is causing you that much pain."

He stared back at her defiantly as he resumed his methodical chewing, tears prickling the corners of his dark eyes. Shego finally rolled her own.

"Fine, I'll make you an appointment if you're gonna be that much of a baby about it."

"I am not being a ba— Ow! Shego? What are you— Ow! Stop that, Shego!"

She had rifled his pockets and found his wallet and was thumbing through old business cards that stuck together for having so rarely seen the light of day.

Drakken finally swallowed his bite and washed it down with a swig of water.

"I don't need a dentist!"

"Based on the state of this card, your guy might be dead by now. When's the last time you even went to see one?"

Drakken considered. "...Maybe twenty years?"

Shego blinked, and then wordlessly shook her head before picking up the phone.

Drakken slumped back in his chair and eyed his pickle and cheese sandwich longingly. But he knew Shego was right... He had simply hoped increasing his dental hygiene regimen would cure the pervasive toothache he'd had for weeks now. He was wrong.

"Okay," Shego said, startling him. "I made you an appointment with my guy. Couldn't get anyone at your number. So don't plan anything for Friday morning."

Drakken scowled at her even though he began to feel the lifting of a weight from his chest. If only he could also feel relief in his tooth that easily.

"Fine," was his reply, though less acerbic than he'd wanted it to sound.

Shego rolled her eyes before departing. "You're welcome."

A knock at her bedroom door woke Shego from a peaceful sleep under her sun lamp. She looked at the clock reading seven in the morning and then frowned.

"What?" she croaked loudly as she stumbled out of bed, hoping and not hoping it was an attack by Kim Possible.

"Are you ready...?" came Drakken's muffled and strangely nervous voice.

She gathered by his tone that they weren't under attack and slumped into her robe and slippers before groggily padding to the door.

"What?" she asked again as it slid open.

"Are you ready?" Drakken echoed, fidgeting. He was dressed very atypically in jeans and a Henley with sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows, which caused Shego to give him a once-over. A few tiny chest hairs were peeking out where the top two buttons were undone.

"Uh..."

"For the dentist," he finally clarified, his brow lightly furrowing.

It took Shego several seconds to process his implications, and then she felt her hands burning before she realized her face was as well.

"You woke me up at seven A.M. on a Friday morning because you think I'm going to the dentist with you!?"

Drakken's fidgeting intensified. "But I've never gone to the dentist by myself."

"What!?"

Drakken flinched away from Shego's roar, and then followed her when she turned on her heel and stormed back into the room.

"Well the last time I went I was in college, and my pediatric dentist had agreed to continue seeing me until I was finished with my education..."

"And let me guess, you had to have your mother go with you in college?" Shego spat, grabbing some clothes.

Drakken hesitated, and Shego whirled on him and took in his nervous expression.

"Ugh! Look, I'm only doing this because I'm tired of watching you pretend that tooth doesn't hurt. It's thrown a major wrench into plotting."

She vanished into her bathroom, the door slamming behind her, and Drakken wondered if perhaps he should go it alone. He was a big boy now, his mother would say. But then he remembered it was Shego's dentist and he had no idea where to go.

When the irate green-skinned woman reappeared, dressed in an outfit almost a match for his, he began mumbling an apology, but she simply grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him out the door, ranting all the way to the hover-car.

"Oh no..."

Shego saw Drakken's expression brighten peripherally as she looked between the address on her phone and the address on the building in front of them, her eyes drifting past the gold numbers to the colorful name of the office.

"Shego...why didn't you tell me it was a kids' dentist!" Drakken said, almost skipping through the parking lot.

"It wasn't, it.." She trailed off, wondering at what point her dentist had moved locations and been replaced with a pediatric office.

"Oooooh!" Drakken exclaimed as they went inside, and Shego took in the scene through a shell-shocked daze.

The rustic forest theme, fish tank, and small area on the floor with toys (complete with noisy, playing children) weren't nearly as startling as the fake taxidermy moose head above the receptionist's window, which to her dismay, was animatronic.

"Welcome to Gold Mountain Dentistry! I'm Marvin!" the beast proclaimed, blinking its fake eyelids as the jaw worked out of time with the words.

Drakken gasped in delight, but then paused and waited for Shego. Her brow rose.

"No. I'm not checking you in. You do that yourself, Drew," she said, emphasizing his name. Drakken faltered slightly until realizing that was the name the appointment was under. His brow furrowed slightly in concern, but then he straightened up and put on the confident air he usually used when attempting to con someone.

Shego stepped back and watched the back and forth between he and the receptionist, the woman looking massively confused and even more suspicious at who the new patient was that morning. But shockingly, he wasn't denied, and within moments Drakken was back at Shego's side, giving her a smug look before perusing the rain forest magazines in the child's rack.

Shego glanced around the rest of the waiting room at the confused and alarmed faces of the mothers who were there with children. One of them had even pulled her child away from the play area to sit next to her.

Shego pressed her back into the wall by the door, gathering all of her self control to not simply flee. She held a hand over her face in embarrassment as she pretended to study the nails of her other hand. Had she known trying to do Drakken a favor and get him to the dentist would have gone this way, she'd have never bothered.

Thankfully, it wasn't too long a wait before the door opened and a hygienist called Drakken's name. He cast her a worried, sad puppy look before setting his magazine down and following the wide-eyed woman in scrubs, to which Shego responded with a glare. If this didn't solve his problem, he was going to owe her. Big.

After about thirty seconds of his being gone she glanced around and found herself the recipient of the same stares as before, and far too many cautious, questioning, and judgmental eyes. Shego ground her teeth and approached the receptionist's window.

"When he comes out, tell him I'm in the car," she said, turning to the door before receiving acknowledgment.

Oh yes. He owed her big.

"Shego!" Drakken's shout startled her awake from where she'd fallen asleep with a magazine on her knee. She turned to see him skipping back to the hover-car with a small bag in his hand, a sticker on his chest, and looking just as excited as when they'd entered the pediatric dentistry.

She opened her mouth to halt his speech, but he was already continuing.

"They had TVs in the ceiling! I got to watch Captain Constellation during the exam. And I chose blueberry flavor for my fluoride treatment, and I got a free toothbrush, and they took my picture for the wall for Marvin's No-Cavity Club!"

Shego blinked as she tried to process everything he was saying as he produced a blue toothbrush from the bag and waved it around.

"Wait. No cavities...?"

"No!" he cried with a giddy chuckle. "Apparently an old filling had popped out and I developed an abscess. The dentist drained it and prescribed antibiotics and gave me some literature about home remedies," he said, rummaging in the bag again.

Shego looked at the sticker of a moose with a shining oversized grin on Drakken's shirt, proclaiming his membership in the no-cavity club. She then looked to where he had ignored every paper in the bag to admire his small, child's toothbrush and a little prize he'd apparently gotten as well in the form of a small green plastic dragon. She took in again his casual attire and his now-relaxed posture, where previously he'd been tense and anxious, clearly oblivious to the embarrassing quality of the entire situation.

"Give me that!" Shego said, snatching the bag away.

Drakken startled, but went back to playing with his toy as he hopped in the passenger seat next to her.

Shego scanned the papers until she found the one with the prescription, confirming their next stop would be a pharmacy.

"Thank you, Shego," Drakken said, startling her again.

She looked up to find him smiling in genuine appreciation, such that she felt some of her irritation melt away.

"Yeah well... After we pick up this stuff, it's straight back to evil."

"Oh yes, Shego, and this little dental detour has given me a brilliant new idea!"

Shego cocked an eyebrow at him as she lifted the hover-car off the ground, ignoring the small crowd outside the dentistry staring at them. She took in the darkening grin on Drakken's face and rapidly put it together.

"Oh, no."

"Mind control toothpaste! Just think of it, Shego!"

"I'm trying not to."

"Everyone needs toothpaste! It's a much better market than shampoo. And with an attractive label and a catchy slogan... Something like 'brush, spit, obey,' I'll soon have an army of—"

"Time out, Doc. For a month now it's been something about evil plants, remember?"

"Yes, but just think of—"

"After the plants, I'll think about it. But first we gotta get your prescription, and then..." Shego looked down at a swimming pool and hot tub showroom that they were flying past. "You owe me for that trip."

Drakken paused a moment and considered her tense posture and annoyed expression.

"I do realize now I could have done that on my own. But, thank you for coming with me. And...for making the appointment."

"Thanks isn't enough for that humiliation. But...I've got an idea," she said and smirked.