My Days in the Akatsuki
Disclaimer & Author's Note: Kishimoto-san is the creator of this series, and owns all the official characters of the Naruto world. All I own however is any original characters that show up in mild filler scenarios. I also own my original character Sekai Ishtal. This is basically Alternative Universe because Naruto is in the Akatsuki. Also, in this story, the Akatsuki are anything BUT an evil organization. They parody, they're fun, they're adventurous, plus, all sorts of shenanigans can happen when they're not busy taking over the world. :D
WARNING: Epic crackshot incoming! Be aware that when I wrote this, it's lightly based off the episode "PMS, I Love You" from the classic sitcom Roseanne. Also contains light references from American Pie 2, Futurama, Family Guy, and a cameo of Late Nite with Jimmy Fallon.
Pocky PMS
There comes a time when Pocky Premium Industry runs out of sales of a certain flavor of pocky due to overwhelming demand. And when this happens, there is always plans made for when people with a pocky-fetish run out of a certain flavor of pocky or just plain run-out due to devouring their hidden supply. It's relatively easy when it's a civilian. But when you are Uchiha Itachi, it's like the devil has taken a vacation and ran like a total pussy. Thus, the ninja village was dead silent save for the ever-falling rain of the wetlands that made up half of Amegakure no Sato.
Itachi was having PMS...
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Pocky PMS...
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The ceiling fan spun lazily on slow speed. Naruto opened his eyes. He gazes towards the wall, where a cleverly hidden seal matrix was alight with a soft glow. His eyes widen; it was activated! It was made the last time Itachi suffered Pocky withdrawal. Everybody knew of it, and the Akatsuki members save Itachi knew how to activate it; it made a beeping sound for five seconds when it was activated manually. Another way it activated was when Itachi's hidden supply was bone-dry...
Oh no... Today's the day, Naruto thought as he lays his head back down, okay... I need to clear my mind...
He felt around, but felt nothing where his hand was groping. The space beside him was empty, and cold.
The bed's cold... he probably has a good half hour on me...
He gets out of bed.
Gotta move! I need to get out.
Naruto strips off his clothes, before pulling his unique seal, transforming into his female gender. She then pulls out some clothes, and begins to get dressed.
Minimize the damage... get as far away from Ground Zero as possible!
She wears low-riding thong, tear-off jeans that resembled short shorts with orange belt, and a blue midriff t-shirt and an orange halter spaghetti tee which left her firmly toned stomach exposed. Pulling her hair into her signature pigtails with frog hair ties, putting in her earrings, and slipping on her various bracelets, she grabs her fat blonde Kyuubi plush doll off the couch in the corner of the bedroom. Making sure her bottle of mace was sealed in her leg-strapped ninja pouch on her right thigh she slips her blue sandals on and makes a beeline to the door. She stopped when she looks herself in the mirror. She could see the fear that radiated from her cerulean eyes.
The horror... the ungodly horror...
She snags her goggles and runs out the bedroom.
=0=0=
In the living room, everyone had nothing much to do. Itachi was in the kitchen making his own breakfast as everyone else had ate already. Zetsu was with Deidara, Sasori, Konan, and Tobi playing cards, Kakuzu was checking his Bingo Book for any bounties worth to hunt for the day, while Hidan was sharpening his scythe and muttering book reprisals and quotes from the Holy Book of Jashinism. Kisame... well, he was warned not to eat the Polish food leftovers, and now was dropping pipe bombs down the crapper. And Pein was simply watching the card game while also watching an episode of Late Nite with Jimmy Fallon.
"I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it me style." The audience laughs at the joke, and Pein gives a light chuckle before Jimmy continues his monologues.
"Go fish," Sasori spoke up.
"Sasori, we're playing Gin, un," Deidara told the redhead.
"Oh?" He gazes at his cards, "well... Gin."
He lays his hand down, and Deidara blinks before getting up to examine the cards. At this moment, Naruto, in his sexy female form, bursts into the room.
"Naruto... what's the hurry, and why are you a girl today?"
"No reason. I'm going to Sixflags. Bye."
"Wait... isn't Sixflags located in the west?" Sasori questioned, making Naruto stop.
"Oh, right... well then I'm going bowling for a week. Bye."
Out she tries to leave again.
Konan calls out to the girl. "Naruto, wait! What's going on? You're acting as twitchy as Zetsu when somebody mentions fire."
"Huh? Where?" Zetsu's human side spoke, looking around in a twitchy manner.
Naruto backtracks once again, staring appalled. "Is this some sort of trick question?"
Naruto stared, as Kisame entered the room from the nearby bathroom, drying his hands with a towel. "What's going on?" he asks.
"Don't you guys know what's happening today?" she questions her fellow Akatsuki members, and leader.
"Tobi wonders why Naru-chan is all crazy," Tobi says, shuffling the cards.
Naruto looks and discovers none of them were wearing their bead bracelets like she has in her pockets. Then she notices that there was a painting of Tobi wearing a 16th Century Victorian Era clothing with a lid cod pipe in his right hand, looking all... noble-ish. Huh, where'd that come from? It was hung on the wall covering her seal. "Shit! You didn't see the sign?" Naruto half-yells, rushing across the living room, to take down the painting of Tobi looking noble in the painting; there, on the wall, everyone now saw the Itachi Signal was glowing, "Itachi has Pocky PMS!"
The following happened: a loud rip echoes as Kakuzu pushed too hard and his pen tore a ragged rip through twenty pages in his Bingo Book, Hidan sliced his hand and the whetstone he was using in sharpening his weapon, cards splashed into the air when Tobi pinched too hard while shuffling, Deidara spat his drink in shock, Sasori stared in fright not acknowledging the spray he got from Deidara, Kisame's pants fell to his ankles, and on the TV screen Steve Higgins, The Roots band, and Jimmy Fallon crowded around with looks of horror and shock displayed.
"Holy shit!" Tobi shouts.
"A-Are you sure that's not a prank?" Konan questioned the blonde teen.
"Trust me, I made that seal, and I have the Master Key," she said, lifting her bead bracelet up after digging them out of her pocket. Indeed, they were pulsing in a slow on-off from wood brown, to the tangy orange color she loved. She slips them on her wrist.
"Oh my god..." Konan whispered.
"Yeah. It's going to be a long roller coaster ride with Sybil at the switch," Naruto exasperated.
"Oh shit," Deidara utters.
"My dear Dark Lord in chaos bless my soul Jashin-sama and protect me from Pocky PMS," Hidan prayed, grasping his pendant tightly.
"Remember the last time Itachi was this way? He took Tobi's Tank-chan on a destructive war path across the planet, causing untold amounts of damages to various villages, towns, and cities! Hell, it attracted the entire U.S. military and President Barack Obama declared that nightmare a world crisis! It took KONOHA in the end to find five large shipment containers of pocky just to calm him down!"
Yes, they all remembered Tobi's armored tank that in the end was turned to scrap, and Tobi was left crying for three days and three nights... sobbing uncontrollably like that one time Michael Cole for no reason punted his puppy across the street.
"I have things to do," Pein said as he got up and swiftly left.
"Let's have sex," Konan called to Pein, following him in a desperate rush.
"Tobi has to go to the mall."
"Me too," Deidara said, grabbing Tobi before the masked man vanished in a Time-Space transport.
Zetsu sunk into the ground in order to flee like a coward, and Sasori already made a hole in the wall in escape. The doors slamming open signaled Hidan and Kakuzu were also running like hell. On the TV, the set of Late Nite with Jimmy Fallon was shown to be completely empty; even the audience were missing. O.o;
She decided to follow their examples and ran for it.
"Naruto, don't leave me!" Kisame yelled, grabbing Naruto by the ankles. His pants were mysteriously pulled up again.
"Kisame! Let go!" she shouted, trying to shake the shark man off.
"No! You don't understand!" he cried.
"Kisame, I warn you; I am fully prepared to cut my own legs off," she warns.
"Naruto, wait, you don't understand," he pleads, as he gets up, moving his hands to keep a grip on the trying-to-flee girl, "Itachi is planning a surprise birthday party for you! Today's your birthday! He told me and was going to tell the others later while you would be convinced to go to the next village on a ramen spree..."
Naruto paled. She felt like she was about to throw up. While she didn't mind Itachi's surprise parties, today when he was going through Pocky PMS... it was now a nightmare!
"A surprise party during PMS... oh no," she whispered.
"Naruto, please... be careful," Kisame said, concern in his eyes.
"Naruto."
Shit tit-licking fuck! Naruto swore venomously in thought.
She turned around slowly, as did Kisame. There, from the hallway leading towards the building's kitchen, was Itachi. He was half-dressed, firm muscular but tightly-packed torso open to the air for all to see his sexually-appealing desires, his beautiful hair looking all messy in a way that it said "I just shagged and it was awesome". His eyes however held an emotion rarely seen in public: love. And they were directed at Naruto.
"Do you think I'm drop-dead fuckable?"
He stares deeply at Naruto.
Kisame shoved away, with a shout of, "I'm outta here!" as he ran like a coward, leaving Naruto there by the door to the back porch with a deer in headlights look. Itachi continues to stare, waiting for a response. In the background, Samehada grew legs and ran after its master.
"Yeah! You look so delicious I'd suck you regardless of my gender!"
She even offered one of her usual care-free grins. Itachi stares for a few more moments, before slinking away down the second hallway towards the Recreational Room. Naruto lets go a sigh of relief once Itachi was no longer within earshot.
Fuck! I need to get outta here!
And she exits the building, and decides to hide out in one of her usual safe houses while planning several plots to finding enough money to spend refilling Itachi's pocky storage's. And thus, she was at the Pentagon's War Room across the ocean.
This was going to be one hell of a long nightmare...
... Itachi with Pocky PMS...
The horror...
The horror...
... Please review! :D
Oh, and in my profile, I got a link leading to a picture that fully shows what Naruto looked like in his female form as seen in this chapter. She's cute and someone I'd willingly date~ XD
EDIT: Wanted to make this sound a bit more... odder... therefore... I edited it.