Author's Note: This was emotionally difficult to write. Day #16 was to do part of your life as fanfiction so I took an unsent love letter and turned it into this little one-shot. This is literally from my heart. Obviously real people were turned into fictional characters and some aspects had to change. That's it though. Thank you to starrnobella for beta reading and offering emotional support with this one. Any other mistakes you find are my own. Much love, xxDustNight
Disclaimer: All non-original characters, plot points, and information belongs to J.K. Rowling. The story plot and dialogue belongs to me. I do not write for profit.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The One That Got Away
Rated: T
Pairing: Hermione/Ron
Summary: Sometimes you just have to get your feelings out onto the page, even if it's a letter you will never send.
Prompt: 31 Days of Fanfiction: Day #16 Piece of your life as fanfiction
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
The One That Got Away
Ronald,
Where to begin? I know that it's been far too long, ages in fact, since we last spoke so this letter will probably come as more than a surprise. That's my fault. I pulled away. There was so much that was left unsaid, and for the life of me I can't explain what is making me want to say it all now. You probably won't get much further than this opening paragraph before ripping this letter to shreds or burning it, but I have to try. I have to tell you how I feel, Ron, because if I don't, I'll forever regret never saying what I wanted all these years. This isn't the first time I've thought about writing you a letter over the years. Quite frequently, I found myself lying awake at night endlessly writing letters to you in my head but never actually putting quill to parchment. This time, I've somehow managed to push past my self doubt and actually go through with it. I just couldn't shake the feeling that you needed to know what has been going through my head since the last time we parted ways. It was time you knew what I wanted to say even if I'm not there to tell you myself.
I can count the times that I know for certain that I've hurt you. Twice, but there were probably more if I'm honest. The first time was when we were just barely out of the war, both trying to figure out how to pick up the scattered pieces of our lives. It was just days after I'd finally admitted to loving you, but still, as we were leaving Fred's funeral I told you I couldn't be with you anymore. I can still remember the hurt in your eyes, and then what you said to me as the crowd of our family and friends dispersed around us. "What?" you whispered, trying to take my hand. "What are you talking about?" Then you seemed to grow angry, dropping your hand and backing away. "Just… Forget it." That moment is seared into my brain. Sometimes I wake up from a dream where I've relived that moment. It haunts me.
The second time was about four years ago. You'd been sending me letters for days, but I never answered. Then, finally you stopped. I kept telling myself, "The next time he owls, I'll reply. I'll really do it this time." When you stopped, I gave up. I married Draco. I thought, "This. This is what my life is now." I thought I could forget, that all the things that went unsaid would just go away and my life would be fine. That I would be happy. I thought that I would never think about you or us again, but I was wrong. So very wrong, Ronald. I still think about you, and it breaks my heart.
It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment I began to fall in love with you, but I'll try. It certainly wasn't the day we met, back on the Hogwarts Express. It probably wasn't even that night in the girl's loo when you and Harry helped save me from that troll. No, I think it had to be during our time hunting horcruxes. Sure, you and I both had feelings for each other intermittently over the years, but it was during those months confined together when I truly realized what was right in front of me. Here we were in the middle of a bloody war and I was sitting across from you in a tent realizing just how much I fancied you. All I wanted was to kiss you, but it wasn't the right time. When the locket began to affect you, making you think that Harry and I were involved, I was heartbroken. I didn't want you to leave, but you did. You couldn't take it anymore and then you were gone…
I didn't know how to deal with your loss so I just held myself together as best as I could for Harry's sake. I didn't need him knowing how torn apart I was, confused by your abandonment and my heartache. He needed me to be strong, so I was. I bottled up my feelings and carried on as if everything was alright. When at last our paths finally reconnected, I was exhausted and worn down more than ever before. But you'd found your way back to us, somehow. You saved Harry and destroyed the locket. You were finally back with me and nothing could be any better. Maybe things were looking up? Then, we were captured and taken to Malfoy Manor. The entire time that horrid wretch of a witch was torturing me, all I could think about was you, Ronald. I knew you would find a way to save me…
And you and Harry did. You came for me and then we were safe and I was wrapped in your warm embrace. Everyone thinks our first kiss was after the battle, but I'll never forget that night at Shell Cottage when you took me by surprise and kissed me on the staircase. You held me close and kissed me with everything you had. I saw fireworks, Ronald. It was everything a first kiss should be. Truly magical. I could feel just how much you wanted me in that moment, your body revealing your desires. I wanted you too, but it wasn't the right time. Somehow we both knew this. Afterward, you disappeared into your room and I headed for mine, but I hardly slept that night. I kept praying that if we made it out of the war alive that maybe we could finally act on our desires. It wasn't meant to be though…
The war ended, and then so did we. A few months later, I heard you were dating again. Parvati Patil of all people. I tried not to react. I went back to Hogwarts to complete my NEWTS and then even enrolled in a Muggle university. I tried to forget about my love for you. I started dating a nice muggle and lost my virginity. It didn't last. How could it? How could I be with him when all I ever thought about was how I wanted to be with you? So he and I broke up and then I got another boyfriend. And then another. And another. At last I graduated and then returned to the Wizarding world where I began working at the Ministry. I found out you and Parvati were separated and I desperately wanted to go to you, but I refrained.
It wasn't until a couple years later that we would come face-to-face in a normal setting. By that point, I was dating Draco and you were busy working with George. It was at a Ministry function and we were both a bit tipsy. I'd snuck outside for some air and you found me standing in the rain. We talked briefly, and then you did something strange. You asked me to get tea with you. In a panic, I agreed and you said you would owl me. And you did. Often. Ginny found out, somehow, one drunken night a few weeks later. She told me if I planned on marrying Draco then I couldn't go get tea with you, so I stopped answering your letters… And then they eventually stopped. I married Draco and that was the end of that…
But I will always regret not answering that last owl from you, Ronald. I regret not going to get tea with you. I regret not keeping in touch with you after I returned to the Wizarding world. I regret breaking up with you at your brother's funeral. I regret not telling you sooner that I loved you. I regret all these things because I have lost you. I have loved you all these years, but you are lost to me. My regret is so intense that I cannot even find it in myself to read the papers anymore for fear of seeing an article about you. I'm afraid it will break my heart to see that one day you have finally found someone to love and marry. I do hope that you are happy… I hope that someday we can see each other and talk about our lives without me feeling as if my heart is breaking. I can't say that I don't with we could drop everything and find each other because this is real life and not a fairytale. I know it's not possible. I'm still married, for now, and living in a world almost separate from your own. I probably don't even cross your mind…
I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy. Now that you know how I truly feel… I hope that I can move on. Please don't feel obliged to seek me out. That was not my intention. Live your life. Find your happiness. I will survive, just as I've always done knowing that you were the one that got away.
Love always,
Hermione