CHAPTER 4: Stuck Between Egg Puns and a Hyperglycemic Coma

Alternatively:

Izaya Proves He's Secretly an Eggcellent Pitcher

One more day. That's how long Izaya keeps taking the pills. Just one more day if only to test out his theory. Just as expected, the strange dreams still persist the next night, except the dreams become more vivid. The sound of breaking bones echo through his room even when he opens his eyes in the morning, panting and drenched in sweat. So, Izaya puts away the pills. He's sure of it now that they must be causing his nightmares. What other explanation is there? He even puts off the pain killers just in case, even when his broken finger starts to ache again. Better his finger hurting than him being unable to sleep.

Yet even after he throws away the pills, the dreams persist. And persist. Every night for the next seven days straight, forcing him to awaken in the middle of the night, shaking and trembling in his bed. He becomes scared to go to sleep and often stays up as long as he can, just to avoid sleeping. He ends up falling asleep at his desk half the time and waking up with intense back pains and neck cramps. He feels as if he's going insane half the time, forced to repeat the same incidents over and over.

Not to mention, he feels irritated. More often than not he will start the day feeling restless and angry. It's almost as if the same fury in his dreams has seeped over into reality, controlling his life. He finds himself wanting to break things often, namely pencils and other small objects like that. Or cigarettes, if he smoked any. Which he may as well have been doing because his throat constantly aches as if he'd been chain smoking all day.

Recently, he's even developed a new craving: sugar. For at least a few days now, Izaya has been craving sweets. He doesn't know why, and so far he's been pushing those craving down since he doesn't want to poison his body with artificial sweeteners. Other times, the cravings get too powerful for him to control. And today is the very day that he finally loses that fight. If his already tired and broken down body wants to feel even more shit by getting a sugar induced stomach ache, then by god let's do it.

It's a getting bit late and the sun has long set, but there's a 24 hour convenience store not far from his house. Imagine him, Orihara Izaya, shopping at some lowly convenience store for a quick sugar fix – now that had to be a first. At this point, however, Izaya just doesn't seem to care. Well, maybe he cares a little, given how he puts his hood over his head and dons a pair of sunglasses, despite the fact that it's night time. He wants to look inconspicuous, but somehow attracts even more attention than he'd bargained for. Not like he hadn't predicted that though, but better look shady than have people actually recognizing him.

He enters the store with a clear goal in mind. Just some sweet biscuits, something that would go well with tea. That would surely curb his sugar cravings. He wanders around the isles, picking up products and silently judging them with a sour face as he wonders how in the hell people could consume such junk. Yet his own basket is no stranger to junk food, for as soon as he approaches the counter, he finds that it's filled to the brim with sweets.

For a moment, Izaya feels as if he's dissociating or something, since he can't remember just when he'd put all those objects in his basket. Two 4-packs of pudding- one vanilla and one chocolate, a liter carton of milk, a 5 pack of strawberry milk boxes, a tub of caramel ice cream, 3 cups of instant noodles, a carton of eggs, a box of chocolate cake mix, and a banana. One single banana that Izaya had been at least somewhat conscious when putting in his basket. And when the cashier asks if that will be all for him, Izaya opens his mouth and says:

"And a pack of Blue American Spi-" he stops himself before he can utter the final words. The clerk gives him a confused glance.

"No, actually, that's it," he finally says after an awkward pause and throws a few bills out to pay for his items. He grabs the bag and makes a hasty exit, anxious to just get home because he's growing more and more worried about his mental state as of late. Strange dreams, random emotional outburst, cravings. Even now, he'd almost bought a pack of cigarettes even though he definitely doesn't smoke and has no desire to start.

He's slowly starting to think that he must be going crazy, because as soon as he leaves the store, his nose starts to twitch because of an unpleasant odor. The smell of cigarettes. Nervously, he touches his lips with his index finger to make sure he isn't dissociating again and doesn't in fact have a cigarette between his lips.

He doesn't.

Good.

He turns on his heel to walk back home only to walk straight into something incredibly stiff, incredibly hard, and…warm?

"I-za-ya-ku-u-un!"

?

That's Shizuo's voice. Great, now he's having auditory hallucinations about Shizuo.

Still, Izaya looks up only to see … that yes, the figure in front of him is indeed Shizuo, and with a vending machine raised over his head at that.

"Shizu-ch-" Izaya doesn't even manage to utter out the rest of the nick name, because Shizuo is already hurling the vending machine straight at him. Even in such close proximity, Izaya dodges by jumping up and ricocheting himself off the machine as it's in mid air, straight into a back flip before gracefully landing on his feet like a cat.

"What do you want now, Shizu-chan? Did you miss me that much, that you had to come all the way for a visit?" Izaya teases. Shizuo just picks up the half broken vending machine and throws it straight at Izaya, only for Izaya to side step it easily.

"Don't play dumb, you got that shady flea stench all over you. Who walks around at night in sunglasses unless they're doing something suspicious?" Izaya merely rolls his eyes and clicks his tongue.

"You. You do, Shizu-chan, or are you now too stupid to see your own hypocrisy?" Izaya retorts, pointing his finger straight at the pair of blue sunglasses perched on Shizuo's nose. Shizuo looks like he's just about ready to pop a vein in his head.

"Don't screw with me you damn flea, you're up to something! I just know it."

"Wow Shizu-chan, you came here all the way from Ikebukuro just to tell me that? I'm touched that you think of me that way, really, but as you can see, we're not in Ikebukuro and I'm not doing anything suspicious or of dubious intentions, therefore your memo is really unnecessary this time," Izaya says just as Shizuo is in the middle of ripping out a "Handicap Parking" sign.

Then, Shizuo stops as realization dawns on him.

"...This is Shinjuku?" Shizuo asks. Izaya raises a curious eyebrow, but decides to amuse him.

"Yes Shizu-chan, this is indeed my own home turf. Shinjuku. Shi-n-ju-ku," He asks, annunciating his words slowly and clearly, as if he was asking speaking to a child, because being honest, mentally he was speaking to one.

"So I'll ask again: What did I ever do to warrant such an unexpected visit, especially from you of all people?"

Shizuo looks at him with a dumbfounded expression.

"I dunno," he finally says. "I was just walking and ended up here." He shrugs his shoulders casually. It's almost as if all anger dissipates for just one second as for once, he's able to think clearly. But just as quickly, Shizuo grits his teeth, eyes narrowing again.

"But you clearly must have done something shady for me to end up here, hunting you down like the parasite you are."

Izaya takes in a deep breath because he feels like with each passing second, he's losing more and more brain cells by simply listening to Shizuo's logic.

Shizu-chan, you are indeed living proof that blonde jokes aren't just based on stereotypes but on real people, he thinks. He wants to say it out loud but ultimately ends up refraining from doing so. Instead, he decides to go about this calmly, since he hadn't done anything illegal (or borderline illegal) or even morally questionable in at least the last two hours.

"As you can see, the only thing I have been up to is some late night shopping," he explains as he lifts up his bag of groceries.

"But after looking at your disgusting monster face, I'm afraid I've lost my appetite. So why don't you just take this off my hands and be on your merry way back to Ikebukuro, and back to your lovely little hovel that you've crawled out of," Izaya says as he attempts to shove the bag into Shizuo's hands before making his swift exit. In the end, he just can't resist being a teasing little piece of shit.

But what he had said is true to an extent. Izaya had lost his craving for sugar the moment Shizuo appeared. The part that is untrue, however, is his claim of being absolutely repulsed by Shizuo. Since, he isn't. Even Izaya has to admit that Shizuo, at the very least, is not ugly.

Shizuo, naturally, doesn't budge, because of course, of-freaking-course the brute never does what Izaya wants him to. So Izaya has to open the bag and show him that it's nothing dangerous or of dubious origins

"See Shizu-chan, nothing to be suspicious of."

Shizuo looks at the contents of the bag and gives Izaya a skeptical look, still refusing to take it.

"What the hell is this?"

Now Izaya feels as if he's the one about to pop a vein in his head.

"Food," he replies as plainly as he can. Shizuo raises his eyebrow, clearly questioning his intent.

"Why is it all junk food and sweets? Thought you hated this type of stuff."

"How nice of you to keep track of my dietary preferences. However, how could you possibly know that I don't sometimes feel like indulging in a little guilty pleasure?"

"Because you're a health freak, that's why. Always have been."

"Even I get my cravings here and there, though as I mentioned before, you made me lose my appetite, so just take the damn bag and leave. Me. Alone. I have more important things to deal with than you acting like a stubborn child."

And that much is true. Izaya does have more important things. There is still the mystery of the terrifying nightmares looming over him. He'd stopped taking the pills, so why were they still persisting?

It's actually quite amusing, he thinks, how when Izaya is actually guilty, Shizuo is far too easy to trick. Just like the whole incident with leaving a note on his front door telling him that Izaya had moved, only to try and frame a murder on him. And yet when Izaya is completely innocent… That's when Shizuo decides to be most skeptical.

"Did you know I was coming here or something?"

Izaya raises his eyebrow and gives Shizuo a look that just screams 'really?'

"How would I have possibly known that? Unless, do you think I could be psychic?"

"Who knows what tricks you have up your sleeves," Shizuo mutters and Izaya rolls his eyes. Whys is he so hard to sway? What could possibly be going up in that head of his?

"Why is it so hard for your primitive brain to comprehend that I was just out for a late night stroll."

"Because you're always up to something shady, I just know it, like a god damn louse out for blood. You expect me to believe that you just HAPPEN to buy things I like, just HAPPEN to be in the same place as me, and just HAPPEN to offer said things to me? If it's from you, then it must be poisoned," Shizuo snaps back.

Izaya rolls his eyes again, this time so hard they might just pop out of their sockets.

"Yes Shizuo, congratulations. You did it, you figured out my master plan: to buy pudding cups and somehow sneak poison into the already pre-packaged cups without making it look like it was open, doing it all shamelessly out in the open for all the store customers to see. Gee, you really are putting that one and only brain cell of yours to good use, aren't you?"

Shizuo grips the "handicapped parking" sign once again, but this time rips it straight from the ground as if it was a simple flower and he was presenting it to Izaya.

"Are you calling me stupid?" He barks as he throws the sign like a dart, aiming straight for Izaya's head. Izaya twirls his body like a ballerina and even does a little bow at the end to show off.

"Is that what I'm doing? Well, who knows..." he says in a snarky tone just as Shizuo is in the middle of ripping up another street sign. In the distance, the sound of cars honking can already be heard as the sign had most likely caused some sort of road accident. As much as Izaya loves their little tiffs, now is just not the time and place for this sort of behavior and he would prefer to avoid attracting more attention to himself, so he figures he should at least try to prevent Shizuo from going completely ballistic.

"Look, Shizu-chan, stop being so melodramatic. It's not poisoned and I'll do you a service and prove it to you, just this once."

He then takes one of the pudding cups – the vanilla one, since he figures it will be the less awful of the two – and peels off the wrapper. He gives it an experimental sniff, and the artificial vanilla aroma immediately fills his nose. Disgusting. He wonders why he's even doing this, but he's stubborn enough to prove a point so he will do it, mark his words, he will.

And then, he does it. He opens his mouth and tilts the cup, forcing half of its contents straight into his mouth. The moment the vanilla hits his tongue, he freezes. The cup falls from his hands and splatters on the ground, spilling the contents onto the pavement. He doesn't move a muscle for a second, and just allows the goop to evenly spread throughout his mouth. It's sweet, so fucking sweet he can barely take it. He leans his head forward and, keeping an open mouth, allows the pudding to fall unceremoniously to the ground and join the rest of the spilled liquid from the cup. He then proceeds to gather up his saliva and uses it as a way to scoop up any remainder pudding in his mouth before spitting it out.

"SO IT IS POISONED!" Shizuo shouts almost too triumphantly, as if celebrating the fact that Izaya just potentially tried to poison himself.

"No, you idiot," Izaya gasps out as he wipes his tongue with the back of his palm.

"It's disgusting, way too sweet for me. How can you even eat this stuff?" And then, the ache sets in, and Izaya has to rub the side of his jaw, as if that could even help him with the oncoming pain.

"So much sugar just makes my teeth hurt ugh."

He's so distracted by the ache in his teeth he barely sees the street sign coming straight for his head. He does end up noticing in the nick of time, and just barely manages to jump over the pole as it comes his way.

"If you hate it so much, why did you buy it, HUH IZAYA-KUN!?" Shizuo shouts, and at this point, Izaya's patience is really starting to wear thin. So typical of Shizuo, to just start charging in without thinking.

"Very well then, don't believe me. Like I care what you think anyway. But I was serious when I said I don't want this junk anymore, so you might as well have it, or else it will go to waste. But since you are so adamant about refusing it, then I guess it just might go to waste."

With that, Izaya sets the bag on the ground and takes out the carton of eggs that would be necessary for the instant cake mixture. He takes one of the eggs out and twirls it in his hand, before pulling his arm back as if he was a baseball player and throwing it straight in Shizuo's direction. The action does put a bit of strain on his wrist and finger, but the pain is very minimal as the egg is still a very small, very light object to throw.

Shizuo reacts quickly and uses the flat surface of the parking sign to swat the egg away. It doesn't bounce off, and instead splatters against the sign. It is still just an egg.

"What the hell are you doing, flea?" Shizuo growls as Izaya throws another egg, and another, all which Shizuo catches with the parking sign.

"Trying to make you see reason." Izaya muses while continuing to throw eggs, and Shizuo continues to swat them out of the way, until there is only one left. Last one, better make it count. He pretends to throw the egg, aiming at Shizuo's shirt, and Shizuo takes the bait. He instantly moves the sign to cover his bartender uniform. (How the man is still not cold despite it being the beginning of December will never cease to baffle Izaya). This time, there is no loud cracking of the egg against the painted metal, because Izaya still has it in his hand, and before Shizuo can realize what Izaya is up to, the last egg hits him square in the face.

For a moment, Izaya just stares and watches the congealed substance slide over Shizuo's sunglasses, falling off his face in little clumps. And then, he can't hold it in anymore. He bursts out laughing, clutching his stomach as his giggles shake his entire body.

"Say, Shizu-chan, wouldn't you say I'm an egg-cellent pitcher? Honestly, seeing you like this really cracks me up. Normally I'd be pretty pissed at you, but you know what, this time I think omelettin' it slide," Izaya manages to choke out in between wheezes as Shizuo takes off his glasses, dangerously slow, and flicks the remainder of the whites off.

"Now you've done it," he growls under his breath as he folds the glasses and proceeds to neatly put them away in his pocket. He's dangerously calm, like a calm before the storm. In the next moment, Shizuo walks over to one of the parked cars, gives it a look over, and in a huff, lifts the vehicle over his head.

"IIIIIII-ZAAAAA-YAAAAA."

With a small giggle, Izaya gives his parting words.

"As much as I would LOVE to continue this egg-citing conversation with you, I do believe that this is my cue to make like a chicken and flee. Ta-ta, Shizu-chan."

And then, he runs.

Izaya doesn't exactly keep track of whether or not Shizuo is still chasing him, and he doesn't come across any more wild flying vending machines. But just because he can no longer spot Shizuo doesn't mean he lets his guard down. He runs for a good 15 minutes or so, only stopping when the burning sensation in his lungs proves to be too much. In those 15 minutes, he starts getting the craving again- craving something sweet, and just something to have in between his lips. He passes by another convenience store, this one significantly smaller, and closing in about 10 minutes.

It's now or never.

Izaya enters, and this time has enough self control to fully analyze what he is going to buy. No more pudding cups, for sure. This time, Izaya picks out a box of banana pocky, since he laments the loss of that single banana. It's the only item in that whole bag of junk food he regrets letting go. He leaves the store with only this item, and upon stepping back outside, he takes one of the banana flavored pretzels sticks and places it between his lips like he would a cigarette. He licks some of the coating off experimentally, and then scoffs.

It really is too sweet.

So why does he keep on eating it?