CHAPTER 16: Life is so much better when you ship your friends together – a Karisawa Erika autobiography
-.-.-.-.-.-
It takes Izaya five days to recover from his cold and feel better than ever.
And then it takes five more days for him to fall right back into a pit of despair.
The days seem to blur together, each one slipping into something worse than the last. His muscles seem to ache even when he hasn't strained them or kept them stiff. His mind is clouded and his body restless, making it hard for him to concentrate on his work. The worst part comes in the form of skull shattering headaches that so cruelly deprive him of a full night's rest.
He supposes he should consider that to be more of a favour than anything else. Restless nights and sleep deprivation keep him from dreaming, dreaming about Shizuo. He feels like a recovering addict and jokes with himself that he's just going through withdrawal symptoms as he attempts to abstain from the source of his addiction: Shizuo's warm embrace cradling him so soundly. He knows that even though deep down it's the only thing that can make him feel better, he still refuses to give into that temptation.
It's just another fucked up aspect of his life though, and he's not going to let it stop him from continuing on his merry way through the busy streets of Ikebukuro. The brief time of absence during his sick leave has accumulated a bit of a workload for him and that's something he plans on fixing. He doesn't have time to waste on being hung up on Shizuo.
He doesn't have time to be anything less than the usual Orihara Izaya.
And in a typical Orihara Izaya fashion, he dons his best 'I'm watching you' grin and does his swanky little walk with his swanky little twirls all across the town until he stumbles over a small pile of snow that sends his body swaying in all sorts of directions. He instantly holds out his arms to steady himself against the closest sturdy object to him.
In this case, it's a person.
He can feel hardened muscles through the multiple layers of clothing and the first thought that pops up into his mind is "Shizu-chan!" , even though the likelihood of that being true is low since if Shizuo really was anywhere around him, he'd surely have a vending machine with Izaya's death sentence written on it over his head by now.
Well, only one way to find out. Izaya looks up and instantly, his face breaks out into a grin that masks his hollowed out expression.
"Dotachin!" He exclaims excitedly as he takes a step back to better examine the one and only, Kadota Kyouhei. It's been so long since Izaya had last seen him and if not for the hat, he would have probably not even recognised him.
"Yo, thought I'd told you to stop calling me that," Kyouhei replies with a small dip of the head. Those words fly right over Izaya's head.
"So, where's the rest of your little squad?" The informant inquires as he shifts his body to look behind his old friend, as if expecting to see the rest of the van gang behind him.
"Shopping," Kyouhei states bluntly as he jabs his thumb towards a nearby store. Izaya's eyes follow the direction Kyouhei is pointing at and soon his eyes settle on the distant frames of Erika and Walker browsing through the discounted manga section at a nearby store, while Saburo spends his time trying to decide which Ruri key chain he should buy. He'll just end up buying both, Izaya thinks. After all, humans are so predictable.
Turning back to Kyouhei, Izaya cocks his head In intrigue.
"And how are you?" It feels like I haven't seen you since high school. You look like you're doing better," Izaya muses and Kyouhei gives him a grin that quickly turns into a frown as he studies Izaya's face.
"I'm doing better now, though I can't say the same for you. You look awful, like you haven't slept or eaten in days," he states with concern. Izaya shrugs it off, not at all concerned about his health.
"Aww you worried about me. I knew Dotachin secretly cared about me," he teases and shoves his hands in his pockets before lifting them up and making his coat open up. Kyouhei sighs and swings an arm over Izaya's shoulders, pulling the informant against him.
"You're still my friend...kind of...even if you are an insufferable ass," Kyouhei confesses with a small laugh that Izaya quickly mimics.
"And this would be the part where Karisawa-San starts yelling about how you secretly love me, ne?" Izaya jokes just as Kyouhei releases his grip on him.
"Good thing she's shopping then," Kyouhei replies and clears his throat before continuing.
"Ehem, seriously how are you though? You look sick and like you've lost a lot of weight. That's not good for you, you gotta take better care of yourself." Izaya doesn't pay much attention as Kyouhei tells him this since it's just useless information he already knows and can't do anything about.
"Tell that to Shizu-chan, he's the one making me like this," he grumbles, prompting Kyouhei to raise one eyebrow.
"You two never cease going at it, huh? Why don't you stop fighting already? Clearly it's having a negative effect on your health."
Izaya scoffs.
"It's not the fighting that's causing this, it's...something else. The last time I saw Shizu-Chan was ten days ago. Funny story actually, I was sick... and he brought me soup," he trails. Kyouhei looks at him, his eyes studying him up and down to the point Izaya has to make a remark on it.
"Oh don't look at me like that, Dotachin. What do you want me to do about it? Thank him?"
"You do what you want to do," may be all that Kyouhei says, but Izaya feels slightly judged.
"Come on, where's the fun in doing that? A monster is still a monster, it doesn't appreciate simple things like-." As if on cue, an air conditioning unit comes flying straight at him. Izaya side-steps it just in time and quickly hides behind Kyouhei.
"Speak of the devil."
"I-ZA-" Shizuo comes trudging in, screaming Izaya's name, with a vending machine raised above his head. He looks at Izaya, whose arms are now wrapped tightly around Kyouhei's forearm.
"Ya?" He drops the vending machine.
"How scary. But I'm too tired to run away today. Ne, Dotachin, won't you protect me from the scary Shizu-chan?" Izaya teases, his voice feigning innocence. Shizuo's eyes don't know where to look as they flicker between the two. His anger is more than apparent with his narrowed eyes and furrowed brows. Izaya loves seeing that expression; he loves seeing Shizuo so flustered over something that neither of them can even figure out.
"Nope, you're on your own. Whatever you did, leave me out of it," Kyouhei shrugs against Izaya's hold, but the informant merely holds on tighter.
"Eh? I didn't do anything! Today, at least…"
"You're being a bother and causing a disturbance by doing-" Shizuo appears to flush. " That. So knock it off before I throw you all the way back to Shinjuku," he huffs. Izaya's eyebrows go high in surprise, though he figures that Shizuo's sudden controlled approach must be due to his unwillingness to include Kyouhei in their squabble.
"Me? A bother? Never! Dotachin loves me too much to ever consider me a bother," Izaya says playfully as he sticks out his tongue. ' Don't poke the sleeping bear,' the phrase goes, but Izaya was never one to follow anyone else's rhythm but his own.
"Isn't that right, Kyouhei ?" The usage of his first name like that combined with Izaya leaning his head against his arm is all a skilfully orchestrated ruse that serves its intended purpose in riling Shizuo up. Up goes the vending machine again, and down it goes in Kyouhei's direction.
Wait-
Izaya quickly tugs Kyouhei's arm to spare him any potential assault.
"I really don't want to get involved in whatever this is between you two, and I think it would be best if you didn't tear up the city, or me in the process," Kyouhei says as he tries to take his arm back from Izaya's hold. Izaya doesn't want the game to end though because of how absolutely furious it makes Shizuo. That look of pure murderous intention…
Izaya smirks.
"But you're not denying it~ You do love me," Izaya hums joyfully and hops from one foot to the other. Shizuo's steps are heavy enough to crack the concrete as he nears them both, and Izaya lets him, his eyes indicating that he's ready for any challenge.
The last thing Izaya expects is for Shizuo to grab his wrist and tug him close, and it's precisely what the ex-bartender does, pulling Izaya directly against his chest, forcing their bodies to collide together.
"Wha-" Izaya hisses but promptly stops as he looks up into Shizuo's honey brown eyes. He inhales sharply, but ultimately feels breathless.
A sharp scream cuts through the tension in the air. Shizuo abruptly lets Izaya go as all three of them turn their attention to the source of the scream. There stands Karisawa Erika, clutching her hands together in front of her chest with glee, with her shopping bags forgotten in a slush of snow.
"W-w-what's this? Shizushizu and Dotachin fighting over Izaiza? Is this… a battle of love? Izaiza using Dotachin to make Shizuhizu jealous because he's secretly in love with Shizushizu and oh how it's working, it's working because Shizushizu has always been in love with Izaiza from the moment their eyes first met. But Dotachin has feelings for Izaiza too! Just look at the way he doesn't want to let go! The passion, the burning desire! Dotachin, don't just stand there, fight for your love! The one true pairing! An O-T- Thr-MMMMMHHHHHPPFFF" Erika's words are cut short as a hand clamps down on her mouth, forcing her to shut up.
"Karisawa-san, that's enough. You're making everyone uncomfortable." And there goes Yumasaki Walker to save the day again from her obsessive fangirling.
"And, you also dropped all the new manga. How could you, Karisawa-san? How could you drop them so carelessly?" Walker asks her as he lets go of her mouth and picks up the bags Erika had dropped, if only to save them from any further damage.
"I'm sorry Yumachi, but seeing such a pure display of desperate pining, I just couldn't help myself," she apologizes. In the midst of this, Shizuo's hand finds its way to Izaya's lower back and hovers there, subtly pulling the informant closer. Izaya doesn't even realise that the action had become synonymous with feeling 'natural' and 'just right'. He drifts closer, because that, too, feels like the right thing to do.
Such a blatant display of affection should never be showcased in front of a fangirl as rabid as Erika, because as soon as she turns around to face them again, she lets out another piercing scream.
"S-S-S-Shizushizu really does love Izaiza! AHHH Shizu you want to hold him, caress him-" she does a dreamy smile as blood starts trickling from her nose, as if this were some sort of parody anime. "To kiss him, to fuck- "
"ERIKA!"
Izaya doesn't know who screamed it, but he's thankful to whoever did it because his face feels hot . Shizuo abruptly drops his hands and the two of them jump apart as quickly as possible. He doesn't even register Kyouhei as he walks over to her and grabs her by the under arms, before dragging her into the van.
"Togusa, start the van. Let's get Karisawa away from here," Izaya hears Kyouhei say but keeps his eyes glued to the ground as Erika babbles her last parting words, saying something about being able to die happy. Once they are alone again, Izaya speaks, still refusing to look.
"What an amusing person, that girl. To even think of such absurdities…" he laughs nervously. Shizuo grunts something in agreement, then grabs Izaya by the arm again and tugs sharply.
"Forget it and let's go," he mumbles as he drags Izaya, forcing him to stumble over his feet.
"Excuse me but go where, exactly?" Izaya questions, still as embarrassed as before as he tries to reclaim his arm. Shizuo does not relent. His reply is curt and straight to the point.
"Shinra's."
"Why?" Izaya scoffs as he continuously tries to reclaim his arm. Attempting to keep up with Shizuo with his significantly shorter legs is proving to be a challenge when he can't even set his own pace.
"Because you look like shit," Shizuo explains. Izaya's eyes appear downcast for a moment. He wishes he could take the concern in Sizuo's tone at face value.
"And it makes me feel like shit." And there it is. The reason why he never does.
"How is that my problem?" He chuckles bitterly.
Shizuo abruptly stops and turns to face Izaya without letting go of his wrist.
"Because it's your fault. You need to start taking better care of yourself."
"Oh don't pretend to suddenly care about me," Izaya sneers in response. Shizuo takes a step closer. His eyebrows come together as he looks down at Izaya, looking into his very soul. Izaya's chest feels tight all of a sudden. The place where Shizuo is holding him feels hot to the touch.
"Just… get more sleep and eat better," Shizuo mutters. Whatever this is, Izaya shakes it off.
"That's rich, coming from the ever hypocritical Shizu-chan. Is it only unfair when it's inconvenient for you? When you eat instant noodles almost every day? When you have a sugar obsession? When you can't control your anger and cause me to black out? Then that's fair? But not when I can't sleep or eat because of you! Because I'm the only one trying to figure this out?" He persists. Shizuo's grip tightens on his wrist.
"Then don't," he hisses. Izaya scrunches his nose.
""Then maybe it's a good thing you're getting so annoyed so you can see how much of a pain in the ass this is and why I want it to end so much," he huffs. Shizuo sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose with his free hand.
"So you're going to wreck your body and hurt yourself just to spite me? I thought you were smarter than that."
Izaya rolls his eyes.
"Oh please, don't make me laugh. I've been living like this for years, it really is no big deal. And the fact that it's affecting you so much is just an added bonus," Izaya sneers. Shizuo's grip now becomes tight enough to create a bruise, but he releases it shortly before such a thing occurs.
"You're going to end up getting killed, living like that."
"And I suppose you'd throw a party and celebrate when that happens?" Izaya scoffs.
"I wouldn't." Shizuo's expression turns grim. Izaya can't figure out why, so his mind jumps on the only idea that seems logical to him.
"Ah, I see, right. Don't worry, until the time comes, I won't let anything or any one kill me except you," he clarifies in a more somber tone. It's a hypothetical, of course. If he ever manages to break their connection, then Shizuo will be the only one to kill him so that Izaya can fulfill his purpose and truly make him into a monster.
"Maybe … I don't want to kill you," Shizuo mutters. It's barely audible and Izaya almost doesn't catch it. Almost. Of course it's only because Shizuo is confused. He must not understand, as per usual.
"You're so stupid," Izaya mumbles under his breath. Shizuo tugs on his arm again.
"Whatever, let's go fix you." To this, Izaya does a hard protest. He twists his arm out of Shiuzo's grip, even if it hurts to do so.
"I don't need to be fixed ," he snaps as he rubs his sore arm. Guilt briefly flashes across Shizuo's face.
"That's not what I-"
"I mean, what do you think is going to happen? Shinra will tell me to get some more sleep and eat some veggies and I'll just magically do that because I surely listen to everything he says? I went to him before. Only made everything worse," he scorns and crosses his arms over his chest. Shizuo can't come up with an adequate rebuttal.
"S-so? You still need someone to knock some sense into you...just. Listen to me for once-"
"No, you listen to me! I don't need Shinra," Izaya snaps.
"Then what do you need?" Shizuo snaps right back.
"You!"
A moment of silence shared between them in which the world stops around them. In which the cars stop honking and the streetlights stop flashing and the civilians stop walking and the street vendors stop cooking and the clouds in the sky stop moving and the sun stops shining and casts only a single spotlight on them.
In which, out of the one billion trillion stars in the galaxy, none shine as bright as the twinkle in Shizuo's eyes looking down at Izaya, looking into the deepest, darkest pits of his very soul and penetrating down to the purest form of his very core. Izaya feels raw and exposed, like a vulnerable child faced with a strange emotion he neither recognises nor knows how to control.
There's so much left unspoken in those beautiful brown eyes. Hidden truths that Izaya isn't sure he wants to face, like the fundamental reality of what ties him down and keeps him grounded to the earth is not gravity but is, in fact:
Shizuo.
.
.
.
As if.
That's something only that Karisawa girl would say.
"To let me go."
Four simple words thrown right out of Izaya's spitfire mouth that cut straight through the brittle bubble of safety around them, shattering the illusion of love and warmth.
"I need you to let me go." His words are soft this time, a mellow and solemn sort of tone as his eyes flicker to the ground, inspecting Shizuo's shuffling feet. His statement is an untruth in itself. Shizuo is not physically keeping him restrained. He could go at any time if he so desired, but to leave now would only stir more unease within him.
"Why?" Shizuo asks.
"The sooner I finish work the sooner I can go home and rest. If you are that concerned about my well-being then you'll...you have to trust me on this." Bold words, coming from Orihara Izaya, the man Heiwajima Shizuo considers to be the shadiest liar in all of human history.
Those feet that Izaya had been staring at suddenly step closer. Then he feels the warmth of Shizuo's hands seeping into his cheeks. Warmth that mixes and mingles with the heat of his own embarrassment.
"Promise me then." Shizuo's voice is soft as he lifts Izaya's head up to face him. There are those eyes again that Izaya does not want to look into a second time.
"Promise me you'll take better care of yourself."
Izaya bites his bottom lip, his eyes darting to anywhere except in front of him.
"Alright," he says equally as softly. Shizuo exhales deeply and closes his eyes, still holding onto Izaya's flushed cheeks. Izaya doesn't know what to think when Shizuo leans closer and rests his forehead against his. Like this, Izaya can feel his breath on his lips. He uncrosses his arms.
"I'll try...I'll go home and eat and sleep," he says as he puts his palms on top of Shizuo's hands.
Warm. So warm in the freezing chill of winter; it's like his own personal thermal battery.
Just like that, the warmth is gone as Shizuo drops his hands from his face and takes a step back. Now it's Izaya still holding on, his thumbs lightly brushing over the golden skin of Shizuo's calloused fingers.
"Then go," Shizuo whispers.
But Izaya doesn't want to.
He hates that he doesn't want to let go, and he knows he can't keep holding on.
"…Thank you," Izaya says after a pause. The connection between them is severed as Izaya drops his hands, turns around, and walks away.
A few metres later and he's leaning against a wall, his mind foggy and his head throbbing with a splintering headache.
It's now more blatantly obvious than ever that Izaya needs him.
He needs Shizuo. He needs him like a flower needs sunlight, like a fish needs water, like his lungs need air. He needs his comfort, his warmth, his strength, his soft praises as he drifts off to sleep in his arms.
All of which Shizuo dedicates to another person.
All of which isn't and was never meant for him.
And all which Izaya desperately wants to forget.