CHAPTER 17
SUMMARY: Sam and Mercedes get a surprise. Mercedes must face the past. LaTonya and Cooper's relationship progresses.
RATING: Mature. Sex and language.
NOTES: Please excuse any errors. Sorry for the wait. Thanks for reading!
JOY
With Sam sitting next to her holding her hand, Mercedes lay on the exam table in the dimly lit ultrasound room while a technician named Karen squirted warm Aquasonic gel onto Mercedes' bare belly; she had long, blondish brown hair that reached her waist, and rosacea on her cheeks; she was full figured and the pink medical uniform she wore was snug across her ample chest. She smiled at Mercedes.
"Are you ok?"
Mercedes nodded and smiled and Sam kissed her hand. Karen patted her shoulder and glided the transducer probe, across her belly, while watching the ultrasound monitor attached to the machine.
"Your uterus is tilted," Karen said as she moved the probe about.
"Yes," Mercedes said, remembering that Aunt Josephine said her mother also had a tilted uterus.
"That's not a problem, just takes a little more maneuvering… and oh –"
"What is it?" Sam asked, clutching Mercedes' hand.
Karen laughed and turned the monitor around so they could see it too.
"You're having twins."
"Oh my God," Mercedes said, and she began to cry. Sam's eyes filled with tears too.
"I can't believe it," he said.
"See, here is the uterus," Karen said, outlining the image on the screen, "And here is one baby and see this line, here? This separates them and here is the other baby; this one is a little harder to see."
Mercedes gazed at the monitor for a long time, staring at the blurry images of their babies.
"The way they're positioned makes it hard to determine the sex," Karen said, "We'll need a little more time with that."
"That's ok," Mercedes said, looking up at Sam, "We want it to be a surprise."
Sam leaned down and kissed her.
"Schaztchen…" he said as the tears ran down his cheeks.
She hugged him tight; they had been through a lot to get to that moment; every pregnancy test and nightmare had been worth it.
ooo
"From now on, it's two of everything," Mercedes said as they drove home, "I can't wait to tell Abby."
Sam stopped at a red light.
"Do you need to go anywhere?"
"Let's go to the diner."
Sam smiled.
"You have a craving for Mabel's strawberry pancakes don't you?"
"You know me well."
Mabel was the owner of the Ideal Diner downtown; and she was fond of Sam and Mercedes, often fussing over Mercedes since she became pregnant.
"She'll be shocked to know that we're having twins," Sam said.
"It's going to be a lot to manage," Mercedes said, "One baby is hard enough."
"Excuse me?" Sam said.
"What?"
"You have me and Abby."
"I know but you have work. And Abby is in school. "
"Do you really think I would work more once the babies are born?"
"Not intentionally I was just -"
"What kind of father would I be to leave you with all the work?"
Mercedes squeezed his shoulder.
"Longer hours are needed to provide for a bigger family."
Sam turned into the Ideal Diner parking lot and parked near the entrance.
"Not this again."
Mercedes sighed.
"We have private school tuition, a mortgage and now two babies, all on one income."
He unbuckled his seat, leaned over, and hugged her.
"I won't need to work longer hours. Stop worrying."
Mercedes rested her head on his shoulder.
"I love you," she said.
He rubbed her back, holding her close.
"When I said my marriage vows, I promised to provide for you and Abby and I meant it. And I've done that.
What's it going to take to convince you?"
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to doubt you."
"We should celebrate," he said and pulled away from her, kissing her glossy lips that tasted like strawberries, and his hands roamed over her baby bump, patting it gently, "I thought this would never happen, and here you are… he stopped speaking and continued rubbing her belly, while Mercedes ran her hands through his hair, then he said, "Nothing will stop me from being a father to our children."
Mercedes kissed him, caressing his flushed cheeks and staring into his green eyes.
"Let's go home," she said.
"But what about – "
"I want to be alone with you."
Sam nodded and drove them home. When they got inside the house they went to the bedroom and undressed and got under the covers, holding each other. Mercedes didn't need anything else except to feel Sam's heart beating with her own, feel his warm bare chest pressed against her fuller one. They stayed attuned to one another. Touching and kissing each other. Sam couldn't keep his hands off of her protruding stomach and she laughed out loud when she felt them move.
"It's like a flutter," she said.
"I feel it too," he said, holding his hand on her stomach and kissing it; he then cupped her heavy breasts.
"Are they still sore?"
"Not as much as before."
Sam kissed her and nuzzled her neck. Mercedes loved having his hard, muscular body, melt into her own flesh as they cuddled together. Sam jogged every day and lifted weights. She thought of the twenty pounds she gained as he squeezed her butt cheeks, and she averted her eyes when he gazed at her with concern.
"Baby?"
"Yes?"
"You're drifting."
"Sorry."
"Thinking about your weight?"
"How did you know?"
"I just do. Stop fretting. You're beautiful."
Mercedes smiled at him, suddenly feeling foolish for doubting her beauty.
"I know I'm beautiful."
"Damn right, Mrs. Hummel."
She felt the babies flutter again and grabbed Sam's hand and placed it on her stomach.
"Feel."
They were silent as they felt their babies move inside Mercedes, gentle currents and flutters. Sam kissed her forehead, cheeks and lips.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Having my babies, being my wife."
Mercedes hugged him, whispering that she loved him, as tears welled up in her eyes. He held her in his arms, rocking her, and then he had the urgent need to be inside her.
"On your side," he said.
Mercedes lay on her side and Sam slipped inside her from behind. No matter how many times they made love, the first thrust inside her, was always the sweetest, and she sighed in pleasure as he filled her, finding her erogenous spots within, and hitting them with each pump of his hips, those hot targets, sent her into a blissful awakening and she coaxed him with her cries and murmurs, squeezing him tight within her walls; they faced the full length, mirror and Mercedes stared at their reflection. Sam's muscular, sunburned leg was slung over the great expanse of her hourglass hips, as he pushed into her; her ample breasts bounced, and her big thighs shook, the cellulite making small dips and ripples in her smooth, brown flesh. Her stomach resembled an overblown beach ball. Sam's hands went from massaging her breasts, to stroking her belly, and finally finding her pulsating clitoris, plucking it gently, as he drove into her; his hot breath on her neck, his green eyes shined in the mirror. He stroked, massaged, kissed, rubbed and loved her voluptuous body; those twenty extra pounds did not escape his affection, and praise; they only increased it. Sam nailed her G-spot at just the right angle, cocking his hips a little to improve his aim.
"Come," he whispered.
And Mercedes came undone, her cries echoed off the walls and he exploded inside her, his semen running down her warm, mahogany thighs. They fell asleep with their arms wrapped around each other.
ooo
Later on that day when they went to pick up Abby from school, Sam couldn't stop grinning when he pulled their SUV up to the curb in the pick-up area of Star Pride Academy. Abby stood on the sidewalk looking adorable in her school uniform that consisted of a blue plaid skirt and long-sleeve white shirt with the school crest on the front pocket. Her hair was in one, long French braid and decorated with blue ribbons. Since moving to Star Pride, somehow she and Sam fell into the routine of Sam doing her hair every morning. He loved those quiet times with her because she would tell him about her life, tiny details like finding an Indian arrowhead in the backyard or an idea she had for building a house. All those crazy thoughts she shared with him as she sat between his legs on the living room floor and he combed through all of her thick, pretty hair while Mercedes made them breakfast. Her favorite way to wear her hair was French braided because it was styled that way the day he and Mercedes got married and she spoke for the first time in over a year; so even though Sam switched it up with other hairstyles, the French braid is what she requested the most.
Abby he was chatting with a short, red-haired girl with freckles, when she looked up and saw Sam and Mercedes waving at her, she smiled, said good-bye to her friend and rushed over to the car, getting into the back seat.
"Hey Sugar Plum," Sam said, "How was your day?"
"Good. I don't have any homework."
"We have some awesome news for you," Mercedes said, turning to look at Abby.
"What is it?"
"I'm having twins!"
Abby laughed and clapped her hands.
"Wow," she said.
"And to celebrate, I made lasagna for dinner." Sam said as he drove away from the school.
Abby buckled her seat belt.
"Have you told Aunt Josephine?"
"Not yet. I'll call her after dinner. We wanted you to know first," Mercedes said.
"Abby, would you like to help me build their cribs?" Sam asked her.
"I'd really like that," she said.
Sam smiled and nodded. Mercedes leaned over and kissed his cheek.
ooo
As the sunset's fading golden light filled the dining room, the family sat around the cherry wood table eating squares of lasagna layered with seasoned beef and a blend of smoked provolone and mozzarella. The air smelled like oregano and basil with a hint of vanilla sweetness from the cake that baked in the oven for dessert. A dozen blue, roses sat in a tall, glass vase in the center of the table adding their flowery fragrance to the array of aromas. Before they began dinner, Sam took two of the roses, cut their stems and stuck a rose into Mercedes' Afro and put the other one in Abby's French braid, giving them each a kiss on the forehead, as he told them he loved them. Since Sam was in a celebratory mood, they used the fancy china that his parents gave them as a wedding gift. The white china plates were decorated with delicate pink briar roses painted in the middle of each one and the outer rim was painted with a single thin line of shiny rose gold that shimmered in the light. Mercedes objected to using the china at first and said that the dishes were only for special occasions, and he reminded her that celebrating the twins was beyond special, in fact to him, it was pretty damn spectacular, which is why he wanted to set the table with those beautiful dishes, and use the crystal goblets to drink sweet tea with a sprig of fresh mint floating at the top. During dinner, Abby said she wanted her mother to have a boy and a girl.
"That way I can see what it's like to have a brother and sister," she said.
"We'll see what God provides," Mercedes said, "As long as they're healthy, I could care less."
"Amen," Sam said as he took a bite of lasagna, "I can't believe we're having twins."
"Me either."
"You should let me name them," Abby said, taking a sip of her sweet tea.
Mercedes laughed.
"Oh really? Why?"
Abby shrugged and smiled.
"Because I want to."
"How about we name them together?" Sam said, cutting another piece of lasagna, "In fact, I have an idea."
"What is it?" Mercedes asked.
"After dinner, let's read the names out loud from those baby name books together as a family. We'll choose boy and girl names."
"Ok," Mercedes said.
Suddenly the oven timer chimed, and Sam went into the kitchen to take the cake out of the oven. He put the two cake pans on the counter to let them cool and got the powdered sugar and vanilla extract from the cupboard, and milk and butter from the fridge to make the buttercream frosting; he paused and listened to Abby and Mercedes', laughter drifting into the kitchen, and he smiled as he measured the ingredients into the stainless steel mixing bowl, his girls were happy, and that's all that mattered.
ooo
The family settled into the living room with big slices of buttercream frosted vanilla cake and glasses of milk. The baby name books were on the coffee table. Mercedes propped her feet up on the ottoman in front of her; Abby sprawled out on the floor, and Sam sat next to his wife, fluffing the pillows behind her to make sure she was comfortable.
"Sam, I'm fine," Mercedes said kissing him, "Thank you for the great dinner."
"You're welcome," he said.
"Which book do you want to start with?" Abby asked.
"You choose."
Abby looked at the books and decided on the one titled From Aaron to Zoe. She read out the first names in the girl and boy section: "Aaron and Amelia."
"Sounds like Little House on the Prairie," Mercedes said, taking a bite of cake, "I'll pass."
"Alexander and Alexandria?"
Sam shook his head.
"Too similar."
As Abby read the names, none of them suited the new additions to their family, and after about a half hour, she closed the book.
"Those names don't fit," Abby said.
"Yeah," Sam said, putting his arm around Mercedes and kissing her temple. "These babies are too special for names like that."
"Or we're too picky," Mercedes said, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Maybe we have to see them first," Abby said, rising from the floor and snuggling up beside Sam on the couch, "That's how I name my stuffed animals. I look at them and decide."
"We can do that now," Sam said.
Abby looked up at him and laughed.
"No, we can't. They're inside Mommy."
"We can imagine them. Better yet, forget what they look like and think about who they will be."
"Like their personality?"
"Yes and their character. I know they'll be beautiful because they have you and your mother inside of them."
"They're a part of you too," Abby said, holding his hand, "So they'll also look like you."
"You mean with a big mouth?"
"Hey, now," Mercedes said, turning his head to face her and kissing his soft, full lips, "I happen to love your mouth as much as I love every part of you. So if our kids inherit it – that would be fine by me."
Sam blushed and kissed her.
"Love you, baby," he whispered.
As they pondered what the twins would be like, George and Gracie wandered into the living room, and curled up next to the ottoman. It took the tabby cats awhile to adjust to their new home in Kentucky, but now they were used to the house and had settled into a routine of daily sunbathing and napping on each windowsill in every room of the house, and often ended their days in the living room either sleeping or playing with a large ball of red yarn.
After a few moments, Sam said:
"I think the twins will have Abby's open heart and kind spirit, Mercedes' courage and love, and – "
"And your fierce determination to always protect and care for those you love," Mercedes said.
"What makes me have an open heart?" Abby asked him.
Sam was a little surprised by her question.
"You don't think you're open hearted?"
"I don't always want to be good."
"That's different."
"How?"
"Nobody always wants to be good. We all do things that we shouldn't. When I say open hearted, it means you see good in people."
"Like who?"
"Cooper."
"Why is that hard? He's great."
"Sugar Plum, not everybody sees that in him, but you do. That's what I mean."
"I understand," she said, squeezing his hand.
Sam kissed the top of her head, smelling the rosy scent of the flower in her hair. Cooper was cold and intimidating to many people, but in Abby's eyes, he may as well have been Santa Claus, and this amazed Sam to no end.
"I don't think we'll be choosing any names tonight," Mercedes said as she yawned, "But it was fun trying."
"Yeah it was," Sam said.
"What about Emerald for a girl?" Abby said, "My locket and Mommy's wedding ring is an emerald."
Sam and Mercedes looked at each other.
"It's unique and pretty," Mercedes said.
"I like it," Sam said, and since blue is our color, how about Blue for a boy?"
Mercedes and Abby both nodded and smiled.
"Blue is nice," Abby said.
We'll choose two more names another time. Let's clean up, Abby," Sam said.
While Mercedes rested in the living room with George and Gracie purring beside her ottoman, Sam and Abby took all the empty plates and glasses into the kitchen and loaded them into the dishwasher. Once they finished, they returned to the living room where Mercedes was asleep.
"Let's watch a movie," Abby said, "Mommy won't want to go upstairs just yet."
"Ok, what did you want to see?" Sam said.
"Watership Down"
"I still don't get why you like that movie."
"I just do."
"What about Tangled?"
"We watched that last week."
"Watership Down is so, I don't know…"
"I love it."
Sam sighed.
"Alright, we can watch it."
Sam knew that the movie wouldn't wake Mercedes because she was such a heavy sleeper. He put the Blu-ray disc into the player and then sat down beside Abby on the couch, hugging her to his side. He reflected back on his life, and remembered the dark moments; and he found that it was all worth it to have Mercedes, Abby and the twins, and he felt grateful and blessed.
THE LAKE
Four weeks later
"We should paint the nursery yellow," Mercedes said, "It's soothing."
She and Sam were in the paint section of Home Depot looking at the color sample cards.
"Yellow?" Sam said, looking down at the pastel yellow card, "I don't know."
"We need something gender neutral."
"Why not blue?"
"Blue isn't neutral."
"It's possibly the name of our future son."
Mercedes picked up the blue sample cards.
"I don't know I – "
Her phone rang. She reached into her back pocket and pulled it out. She saw that it was Aunt Josephine so she answered it.
"Hi Aunt Josephine."
"Pauline committed suicide."
"What?"
"I just read about it in the paper. She was reported missing and they found her body floating in Lake Erie. She left a suicide note for Carter."
Mercedes felt dizzy and held onto Sam.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"I need to sit down."
He put his arm around her and guided her to the front of the store where they found an orange bench to sit on.
"Mercy, are you still there?" Aunt Josephine asked.
"Yes, I just had to sit down."
"I'm sorry."
"Could you send me the article?"
"Sure."
"I have to go," Mercedes said and hung up. She laid her head on Sam's shoulder.
"Pauline killed herself."
"What? That's -"
"It was the restraining order."
"I don't understand."
She closed her eyes.
"The restraining order is what did it. Pauline hated me, but she loved Abby more than anything. I took her away – "
"This isn't your fault."
Mercedes nodded, not wanting to discuss it any further.
"Let's go."
They drove to Abby's school, and picked her up. Mercedes chatted with her as if nothing was wrong and Sam played along. She didn't want to tell Abby about Pauline just yet, she wasn't sure why, but she figured it was because she had to process it first herself. When they got home, Abby went upstairs to her room to do her homework. Mercedes began making dinner. As she washed the lettuce for the salad, Sam came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist; she smelled his shampoo and lotion, aloe vera and eucalyptus.
"I'm fine," she said, not turning around, "Could you boil the water for the rice?"
Sam sighed and released her. He got a pot out of the cupboard and filled it with water and set it on the stove. Mercedes shredded the lettuce and put it in a large wooden bowl. Sam got a few tomatoes out of the fridge and began chopping them on a cutting board on the counter while Mercedes mixed the salad dressing. They worked in silence; the only sound in the kitchen was the boiling water on the stove and the soft tapping of the knife as it hit the cutting board. When the food was ready, Sam set the table and yelled for Abby to come downstairs. During dinner Sam and Abby did most of the talking while Mercedes pushed the food around on her plate, only half-listening to what they said. She was grateful when it was over and they cleared the table. While Sam and Abby loaded the dishwasher, Mercedes went upstairs to their bedroom, shutting the door behind her. She lay on the bed, feeling numb, and finally the tears came. A few minutes later, the door opened and Sam came into the bedroom. He lay down beside her on the bed and held her as she cried, stroking her hair.
ooo
The next day Mercedes didn't leave the bed. All she did was cry. And when she wasn't crying, she was sleeping. Sam never left her side. Only leaving the room to tend to Abby and cook meals. The day turned to evening and by nightfall, Sam coaxed her out of bed to take a shower; the two remained silent as he washed her body, gliding the washcloth across her belly. Afterwards, he helped her put on her nightgown and held her until she fell asleep. The next day was a repeat of the previous one. Mercedes kept the curtains drawn, with only a sliver of light, seeping through, and shining onto the hardwood floors. Once she thought she heard Abby talking to her about Grandma in heaven but she wasn't sure. The bedroom door opened and closed, hushed voices drifted in from the hallway. All she wanted to do was sleep. The days ran together. She wasn't sure why a black hole consumed her.
But it did, so she wallowed in it. Sam undressed and bathed her every day. Patting and kissing her belly, whispering to their babies growing inside her. Abby drew her pictures and slipped them under the bedroom door. Her phone rang. She ignored it. She watched dust particles dance in the bar of sunlight that shined in the room. Sam's hands pressed against her forehead. He offered her water and pills. Left bowls of soup on the nightstand that grew cold.
"Sometimes people hurt," she heard Sam say to Abby as he shut the bedroom door once again.
ooo
"I'm calling Santana," Sam said, his arm encircling her waist, as they lay together in the dark.
Mercedes said nothing.
"I love you, Schatzchen, but I'm gonna need help with this."
Mercedes closed her eyes and fell asleep. When she awoke, Sam and Abby stood in front of the bed in their pajamas. It felt like a dream.
"We want you to get better, Sam said.
Mercedes began crying and they hugged her.
"Abby and I have to go away for a while."
"Away?"
"I love you, Mommy," Abby said, and Mercedes rubbed her back and held her, and sang to her daughter the way she did when she was a baby.
ooo
"The bitch is dead because she wants to be."
Mercedes opened her eyes. The curtains were open. Sunlight filled the room. Santana stood before her with her hands on her skinny hips. She smelled like roses and lemons and her lips were bright red. Mercedes turned away from her, facing the other direction, closing her eyes again. Santana yanked back the covers. Mercedes curled up into fetal position and cried out, feeling a chill settle over her body. Santana sat on the foot of the bed, the smooth silk of her dress brushing against Mercedes' bare feet.
"Mercedes."
Mercedes shook her head. Tears flooded her eyes.
"It's not your burden. It was hers," Santana said, "
Mercedes continued crying as Santana watched her.
"Do you want Abby to lose her voice again?"
Mercedes stopped crying and looked at Santana, who stood up and walked to the head of the bed.
"She's watching you."
Mercedes wiped her eyes on the sleeve of her nightgown and sat up, squinting in the sunlight. Santana sat on a chair next to the bed and reached for her hand.
"This isn't worth your family."
They held hands in silence until Santana said.
"Get out of bed. Take a shower and come downstairs."
Mercedes let go of her hand.
"I can't," she said.
"Why?"
Mercedes didn't respond. She couldn't explain it. Santana sighed.
"Wasting away changes nothing."
Mercedes looked down at the bed, feeling Santana's scrutiny.
"I'll see you downstairs," She said and left the room. For the first time in two weeks, Mercedes took a shower without Sam's help. She washed her hair too. After she dried off and rubbed lotion on her skin, she put on a pair of jeans and a purple maternity shirt that accommodated her big belly and went downstairs where Santana sat on the couch in the living room, drinking coffee, and watching TV. She turned it off upon seeing Mercedes enter the room. She motioned for her to sit down beside her.
"Sam is afraid you're sinking into a depression that you won't get out of. He doesn't know how to help you. So I suggested intense therapy for a few days and he agreed. He and Abby are visiting his parents. I arranged for us to be alone because it's better for our sessions. You don't have to follow through with this. I'll leave if you want me to."
Mercedes rubbed her belly. The babies kicked.
"No, please stay… I just…"
"What is it?"
"Nothing."
"Do you want to call Sam?"
Mercedes shook her head.
"Not yet."
Santana picked up her mug and stood up.
"Can I get you anything? I'm making more coffee."
"Are you staying overnight?"
"Yes."
Mercedes fiddled with a loose thread hanging from her shirtsleeve. Santana patted her shoulder and went into the kitchen. While she waited for her to come back, Mercedes thought about Sam and Abby. She wasn't sure if she was angry or touched that he went through the trouble of having Santana come in person and spend a few days with her. As she mulled this over she leaned back on the couch and closed her eyes. Then she felt Santana poking her in the side.
"Are you feeling alright?"
"Just resting my eyes."
Santana took a sip of coffee before setting the mug on the table.
"Are you ready to talk?"
Mercedes got up from the couch and began pacing around the living room, her hand resting on the small of her back as she moved; each step took effort, and her jeans felt tight around her wide hips. The twins kicked about inside her and it felt as if they were doing somersaults.
"I keep seeing her go underwater… She loved Abby."
Mercedes sat down again next to Santana on the couch.
"I don't know how I feel."
"She was selfish."
"I know."
"Why have you shut Sam out?"
"He would only say what you're saying. That it's not my fault. I didn't drown her in the lake. I get that. But I – "
"But what?"
"I don't know. Abby loved Pauline. We couldn't go to the funeral or say good-bye. Sam talked to her about it. I couldn't. I couldn't do anything."
"Mercedes, I'm going to be real with you. Pauline was a sick woman. For God sake she had a dangerous man follow your family around to get custody of Abby; she never thought you were good enough for Shane; and on top of that she blamed you for his drug use and downfall; so why the hell are you mourning a woman who only caused you pain. You have so much good in your life right now; and do you actually think that the restraining order caused all this? Pauline died the same day Shane did; she's just been walking around causing other people misery because she couldn't grieve. And Abby is a special little girl, and I think she understands more than you give her credit for. She's made a lot of progress; don't destroy it by taking on a burden that isn't yours to carry. Abby has already lost Shane; I don't want her to lose you too."
"I'm not going to kill myself."
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what did you mean?"
"I meant that you're behaving like you're dead. Not leaving your room. Not eating. Not answering your phone. Sam told me she's been drawing pictures for you. She's trying to get you back. We all are. Don't let this fucked up woman ruin your life; she's not worth it."
Mercedes' shoulders slumped.
"What should I do?"
Santana got up from the couch and got her briefcase that was lying on the floor beneath the window. She opened it up and pulled out a green spiral notebook.
"We're going to role play."
"What?"
"Role play."
"I don't understand."
"I'm going to be Pauline and you be yourself."
"So only one of us is role playing?"
"Forget technicalities."
"How can you be Pauline if you never met her?"
Santana held up the green notebook.
"Notes from our sessions. And you showed me all those videos from family events, remember?"
"But that doesn't mean – "
"I'm not trying to win an Oscar. Let's just start and once you're in the zone it won't matter how good or bad I am; you'll be in a different state of mind."
"Do you do this a lot?"
"I do it enough to know that it works."
Mercedes sighed and leaned back against the pillows.
"Ok, I'm in."
Santana opened the notebook and after flipping through a few pages, she said:
"Alright, we're going to go to the past first and work our way to the present. Do you remember what happened on July 31, 2007?" Santana asked.
Mercedes' nodded, recalling the hot, dismal day.
"We told Pauline and Carter I was pregnant."
"That's right. We're going back to that day."
Barbecue smoke filled the air. Glasses of tart lemonade with a lemon slice floating on the surface of each one and raw sugar crystals glistening on the rims sat on the red picnic table, with condensation sliding down each glass and dripping onto the checkered tablecloth. Mercedes' white, eyelet skirt rode up her thighs no matter how she twisted and contorted herself; and Pauline stared at her, clucking her tongue, raising her penciled-in eyebrows as if surveying the damaged goods in a store.
"We have unsweetened iced tea," she said, wiping a napkin across her forehead; as she fanned herself with a green silk Chinese fan printed with red roses; it matched her green sundress.
I'll have lemonade, Mercedes said, her eyes scanning the yard for Shane.
"I put in extra sugar so -"
"That's fine."
"Your skirt is snug."
"Santana, no," Mercedes said, clutching a crocheted lace throw pillow lying on the couch. I can't go back to that day."
"You know how therapy works"
"I can't face that."
"Mercedes."
"Can't we go to another memory?"
"No. You have to face it."
"I don't know how."
"Follow my lead."
Mercedes held the pillow to her chest and breathed in and out the way she and Sam did when they were "reading" each other or praying together.
"I need Sam."
"Mercedes this isn't about anyone except you. Stop making excuses."
"I'm not making excuses. I -"
"Yes you are."
"I can't; I'm afraid."
"You weren't afraid to go to Lima Heights and buy drugs for Shane were you? Why are you afraid now?
"What?"
"Don't pretend you're all innocent. I see right through your little act. My son had a good woman before your fat ass was in the picture," Santana said with her arms folded and her back straight. She gazed at Mercedes with obvious disgust and disapproval.
Then Mercedes understood. She played along.
"He was in pain. I helped him."
"You killed him."
Mercedes felt the sunshine on her skin, tasted the lemonade on her tongue; she heard faint laughter in the background. Where was Shane? She smelled hamburgers and hot dogs, and saw the gray smoke rising in the hot July wind. She reached into her purse and was about to pull out the sonogram pictures when Shane came out of house carrying a six pack of beer and he winked at her; he wasn't the hulk he used to be; and his t-shirt and shorts hung on his shrunken frame. She smiled back at him, squinting in the sun.
"Why are you smiling?"
Mercedes looked at Pauline. All decked out in green silk and cotton. Red lips. Curled hair. Smelling like Giorgio of Beverly hills. Shane set the beer on the table.
"I'm pregnant," Mercedes said.
"Is it Shane's baby?"
"What?"
"You cheated on him."
"I never slept with Puck."
"Even if it's Shane's, you're not fit to be a mother or his wife,"
Mercedes got up from the picnic table. Shane grabbed her hand.
"Shane forgives me."
"You come from a ghetto family. You're unattractive and fat. What right do you have to be a Tinsley?"
"I have every right."
"You killed him."
"A bullet killed him."
"Why did you let him give up his dreams?"
"Those were your dreams."
"You let him take those drugs."
"He swallowed the pills. What was I supposed to do?"
"Fight for him like I did."
"You mean control and manipulate him? Make your dreams his? Not ever allowing him to be his own person? The emotional pain you caused him was greater than the physical pain of the accident. That's why he wanted to be numb and high all the time. It was your wrath and disapproval that drove him to it. He couldn't play football anymore and he became less in your eyes. I didn't kill Shane. You did. You've been killing him since he was a baby. I know why you hate me. You hate me because Shane chose me over you. It was the first time he broke free from you -"
"He was my only son!"
"And he was my husband and Abby's father! After rehab he broke away from you, started a business, and became a father. You couldn't handle that he didn't need you anymore. And then God decided that he was better off not being here. Nobody can bring him back, but blaming me for how his life turned out is pointless. You drove him away. You never opened your heart to me; and all I wanted was your approval and acceptance and even a little love, I loved Shane as much as you did, and instead of recognizing how much I loved him; you tore me down because you were jealous. I thought your loving relationship with Abby would change things but it didn't. You tried to take her from me. How could you do that? How could you be so cruel?"
"She wasn't normal. I know what's best."
"I'm sure you knew what was best when you drowned yourself in the lake. Abby loved you. You came alive with her. Carter loved you. What's your husband going to do now that you're gone? Die alone? And now you're dead because you were consumed with grief and pain. I'm sorry you felt that taking your life was the only way out. But I'm not sorry for being Shane's wife or Abby's mother or for any choices I made. Our love was fierce. You can't take that from me. You can't blame me for the bad stuff that you caused. I love myself too much to have you sabotage me!"
Mercedes was crying and shaking, her voice was hoarse from yelling. Santana hugged her.
"My God, Mercedes... I'm so proud of you. You had a major breakthrough."
Santana's voice sounded far off like the TV turned on too low. She could make out some of the words, but it was all jumbled.
"You can't control me Pauline, you can't control me..."
"Shhhh, it's ok Mercedes."
"I love myself."
"Mercedes..."
"You can't hurt me."
Santana held her close, letting her speak until she had no words left.
Mercedes was free.
ooo
Santana stayed for a few more days. She and Mercedes spent this time discussing other issues. The time they spent alone was essential to her emotional development and for the first time in her life; Mercedes felt at peace. She checked in with Sam and Abby while they were in Tennessee; they Skyped or used Face Time. She missed them but she needed this time to sort some things out. When they came home, Sam and Abby hugged her so tight, that Mercedes almost lost her breath.
"I've been praying so hard for you," he said as tears fell onto her shoulder, "I'm glad we got you back."
"I am too, Sam, I am too."
SHINING MOON
As their relationship progressed, Cooper stayed with LaTonya whenever his schedule allowed. Due to a recent case he was working on, he wasn't able to see her as much as he liked; he had nightmares about her getting hurt or someone breaking into her little brick house and doing her unimaginable harm. He usually woke up from the nightmares in a cold, sweaty panic and he would call her and she would reassure him that she was fine. He rarely stayed at his other homes any more, though; he secretly wished she would move. He didn't press the issue because she was so attached to her house. In the backyard, was a dilapidated gazebo that he thought should be torn down. One day, over lunch, he said something about it.
"You should have that removed," he said, pointing to the rotten wood structure, through the kitchen window, "It's falling apart."
"I want it to stay," she said.
"Why?"
"I just do," she said, taking a sip of iced tea, her dark eyes avoiding his gaze.
He reached over and squeezed her hand.
"It looks dangerous. What if you're back there and it falls on you?"
"You worry too much."
"I can't help it."
After lunch, they snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. He didn't pay much attention to Goldfinger, he kept thinking of LaTonya milling around in the backyard and then being buried under the fallen gazebo. LaTonya was oblivious to his silent brooding and laid her head on his chest, he smelled her lavender shampoo, and gently patted her soft, kinky, hair, loving its texture on his rough hands. When the movie was over, LaTonya was asleep. Cooper wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close, kissing the top of her head. LaTonya stirred in his arms and opened her eyes, gazing up at him.
"How long was I asleep?"
"I don't know."
"I hope I didn't crush you."
"Don't say things like that," Cooper said, thinking she was somehow implying she was too big. She wasn't rail thin by any means, but she was extremely fit and curvaceous, with the tapered waist of a store-window mannequin, sweet flared hips, full behind and generous bosom. She loved exercising and their morning runs were even longer now that she was training for a local charity 10k.
"I only meant that we're in an awkward position and – "
"Nothing is awkward about me holding you."
LaTonya kissed him; her tongue delved into his mouth and he welcomed her heated kiss wrapped in a fiery line of foreplay that encircled them; and he wanted her naked and open beneath him, he pressed against her and her breath grew shallow; she pulled away, trying to breathe.
"I better start the laundry."
"That's a good way to kill the mood."
She giggled, kissing him once more and then sat up.
"Sorry."
"It's alright."
She left the room and Cooper watched how her tight black yoga pants accentuated her glorious backside, all soft and round.
"Cooper?" She called out from the laundry room down the hall.
"Yes?"
"Are you sure these are all your dirty clothes? Seems like there should be more."
He got up from the couch and stretched; and then went down the hall. She stood next to the washing machine, sorting out the lights from the darks on the cracked tiled floor. The snug red Henley shirt she wore, made her full breasts appear even bigger, and they jiggled slightly each time she picked up an article of clothing.
"You didn't have to come back here," she said, smiling at him.
"I thought you could use some help."
"Oh, I'm fine. It's just that you usually have more clothes."
"I am capable of doing my own laundry."
"I like doing it for you."
"I'm cooking dinner," Cooper said as she dropped a handful of his shirts into the washing machine.
"What are you making?"
"It's a surprise."
"Ok."
While LaTonya washed their clothes, Cooper went to the kitchen and began making her favorite Thai dish: beef with basil. He decided that they would have tom yum soup and a green salad for starters. As he cooked, he couldn't help humming to himself, he loved the domestic simplicity of doing something so ordinary, not having to read people or clues, just cooking on a Saturday evening, with LaTonya down the hall. Dinner was ready about an hour later. He set the table and went upstairs and freshened up. This felt like a date to him, he couldn't explain why. He put on a fresh pair of jeans and a green Oxford shirt. When he returned to the kitchen he saw that LaTonya had changed into a pink peasant blouse and a long white skirt; her lips were a soft shade of red, and her beautiful hair was fluffed out around her head in a big Afro. She smelled like jasmine. Before she sat down, he hugged her.
"You look amazing," he whispered, kissing her cheek.
"Thank you, I thought I should spruce up a bit."
He smiled and pulled out her chair.
"I hope you like it."
After he made their plates and they said grace, LaTonya praised the meal.
"This is delicious, thank you for making my favorite dish."
"You always order it at Kao Thai."
"Yours is better."
"Yes it is."
"I love your modesty," she said as she took another bite, "I heard you singing.
What song was that?"
"Shining Moon, it's a Thai folk song. I learned it when I lived there."
"It's pretty. You have a nice voice. Kind of like my father's."
Cooper never thought much of his voice; Blaine was the one who was blessed with Broadway vocal talents; but LaTonya was impressed and that's all that mattered.
"Thank you," he said.
They chatted about nothing in particular as they ate. Afterwards, they had sticky rice pudding with coconut sauce for dessert.
"That was excellent. You were a chef in Thailand, weren't you?" LaTonya said as she took the last bite of her pudding.
"No, but I knew a chef, and well… he taught me a thing or two."
"I see."
After dinner they sat in the den, listened to music and drank glasses of sweet coconut wine. When all was quiet with only the sound of them breathing and Chopin's Nocturne playing softly, LaTonya said.
"You're different."
"How?"
"You're less guarded."
"Hmm."
She set her wine glass on the table and kissed him.
"I like it."
He smiled at her, not knowing what to say, so instead, he embraced her and they kissed again. When they pulled apart; her eyes shined and he couldn't help but marvel at how beautiful she was. He kissed her softly once more, trying to restrain his growing need to be inside her. The music ended and nothing but silence surrounded them. LaTonya laid her head on his chest.
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
"I don't know."
"Am I pressuring you?"
"No, it's not that."
"Then what –"
"Come upstairs with me."
He followed her upstairs to her bedroom where she turned on the lamp and sat down on the bed patting a place beside her.
"Is this the part where you tell me your life story?" He said, trying to joke with her.
She shook her head.
"No, it's just I… I've created my life."
Cooper said nothing. Was she breaking up with him? A panic-filled dread spread across his chest.
"I see," he said, turning away from her, gazing at the soft yellow walls.
LaTonya grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
"I'm not breaking up with you."
"How did you –"
"I know how you think."
Cooper relaxed and leaned against her.
"I should've known."
"Then you should also know that I love you."
Cooper couldn't believe what he heard at first. He had been in love with LaTonya for a long time without knowing it.
"You brought me socks."
"Huh?"
"Just before I left for Berlin. You came to my house at midnight and brought me extra heavy knit socks."
"You had a cold."
"I know. But I remember you standing on my doorstep, holding these packages of socks and it's snowing and you just looked so beautiful and I wanted you then, I loved you then and I didn't say it, I don't think I even knew it, but my heart did, and as usual, I ignored it because the heart is man's folly."
Tears formed in her eyes and she touched his cheek.
"Cooper…"
"I love you too. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner."
They hugged each other, and Cooper, with no barriers around his heart, began to cry.
"I'm so sorry for waiting. I won't hold anything back from you any more, LaTonya, I love you so much. You're my heart."
"Hey, it's ok, I'm not upset, please, it's ok," she whispered, holding him close, "I love you."
When they had calmed down and wiped their tears away, Cooper realized that she hadn't finished her speech.
"You were saying something about creating your life."
"Yes, well, like I said I created a life for myself. I've been through a lot and I wanted to breathe; I love who I am and when I started falling in love with you, I got scared. I've had to be careful in the past; that's why I wanted to, I don't know, ease into making love. Does that make sense?"
"Of course it does… I never liked your boyfriends."
"Cooper – "
"No, listen, they weren't good enough for you."
"You only met one."
"That was enough."
LaTonya hugged him.
"I loved you when you brought me copper pots and laughed at the Peterkin Papers."
Cooper held her tight.
"And you don't care about what's inside me?"
"What's inside is why I love you."
Cooper kissed her and soon he wanted and needed more. He began unbuttoning her blouse, but she stopped him.
"Could you go get the condoms? They're in the bathroom, in the cabinet under the sink."
"Sure."
He left and got the condoms and when he returned LaTonya had removed her skirt and blouse and sat there in her pale yellow cotton bra and high-waist panties, her smooth, onyx skin glowed. She was removing her leg, and she glanced up at him, suddenly shy:
"Do you want me to keep it on?"
Cooper stood there, holding the box of condoms in his hand, staring at her.
"It doesn't matter to me. The question perplexed him, so he said, "Did one of your boyfriends say something?"
LaTonya didn't answer him. She detached her leg and propped it against the nightstand. Then she unclasped her bra, freeing her large pert, breasts with hard nipples that resembled polished schorl tourmaline gemstones; the sleek shine and beautifully sculpted shape of her twin mounds could not be matched by another woman as far as he was concerned. She had the body of a mother goddess statue he once saw in the ancient temple ruins of South America; a tall, proud woman carved out of stone, with a divine grace that radiated from her outstretched arms and bountiful body with wide hips and full, plush bosom, a serene smile on her crumbling face, two words came to mind as he admired LaTonya in the dim lamplight: Sacred feminine. He wanted to kneel at her feet. She opened her arms, silently beckoning him. Lord, he thought, could she not get any more perfect from her kinky halo of shiny, black hair that smelled like lavender, to her graceful slender neck, flat stomach and bouncing, jiggling back side that never ceased to arouse him with every step she took, and she was completely unaware that every movement made him harder than granite. Beauty, grace, love... LaTonya possessed them all and he wanted to love her until she came apart and shattered; only to repeat the same ardent passion again and again until they were spent.
Cooper dropped the condoms and undressed, throwing his clothes on the floor. When he was nude, he joined her on the bed, easing her on her back, as he kissed her, and squeezed her breasts. Then he lowered his head and gently sucked one of erect nipples, nursing the dark nubs of flesh. She moaned and closed her eyes as he fondled and suckled her breasts, then he kissed her torso and dipped his finger into waistband of her panties, sliding them down her sleek muscular leg and stump. He massaged her stump and kissed it, and tossed the panties aside. She had a small, wiry path of pubic hair, and he slipped his finger inside her, feeling her slick wetness as she shivered beneath him. She reached up and stroked him, and he leaned down, kissing her once more.
"I love you," he said and rose from the bed. He picked up the box of condoms, took one out and put it on. He lay next to her, gathering her in his arms. LaTonya kissed him, her hands gliding down his back and gripping his firm buttocks. It had been a long time since Cooper made love; and her touch was both wonderful and infuriating because he wanted everything at once. She spread her legs, and without hesitation he plunged inside her, feeling her tightness and warmth; she arched her back; accommodating his thick member that throbbed within her. For a few moments he savored the feeling of their joined bodies; and she was so beautiful beneath him, her wide, black marble eyes gazed up at him, her breasts rose and fell as she breathed; her plump lips parted. She squeezed him and he groaned; he began moving within her, gyrating his hips and stroking her slowly; she closed her eyes but he wanted them to stay open so he could see all the joy and passion reflected in her eyes.
"Sweetheart, look at me."
She opened her eyes and tears ran down her cheeks; she smiled up at him and he covered her with his body, moving faster with each stroke; she clung to him; her hands caressing his sweaty back. He held back for her; he wanted to see that bliss on her face when she came; sometimes late at night, he wondered how she looked when she orgasmed and his mind filled with images of her shaking and losing control; those mental pictures often lead to his masturbating in the shower.
"Oh…" she said, her breath coming out in shallow puffs, "Cooper, I…"
"Go on, love."
After a few more strokes; she cried out and her body quaked; holding onto him, her orgasm rocked through her; and then he came next, filling the condom with his seed and wondering what it would feel like to fill her instead and make a baby inside her; the thought shocked him; he never gave much thought to children and families; but in that moment, he wanted her pregnant with his child. He came harder than he's ever had in his life; and he held her tight; never wanting to let go.
ooo
Later that evening as they rested underneath the covers, Cooper said:
"Why did you ask me about your leg?"
"Remember Keith?"
"Yes, unfortunately, I do."
LaTonya laughed and kissed his cheek.
"When we were together he said I was whole when I had it on."
"Where does Keith live?"
"Cooper, don't get any ideas."
"What kind of man would say such a thing? You know what makes you whole?" Cooper said, sitting up, as anger filled him; "It's your mind and heart, not your missing limb. That man didn't deserve you. He couldn't see your worth. You're precious and should be treated as such."
LaTonya rose up and squeezed his shoulder.
"Hey, it's fine."
"No, it's not fine. What right did he have to say that?"
She hugged him.
"Simmer down. That's in the past. Keith had an image of what he wanted. And I never quite fit that image in ways that had nothing to do with my body."
"I want his address."
"Do you know what I want?"
"What's that?"
"I want to make love again," she said, fondling his member as it grew hard in her hand; "That's what I want."
Cooper forgot all about Keith and his callousness; though he filed it away in his mind for later; he was overcome with the sensations of LaTonya's hands gliding across his cock and moaned.
"Condoms," he said.
She nodded and got one, putting it on him, and soon he was inside her again.
END NOTES: Thank you again for reading!