Good Ol' Fashioned Razzmatazz Chapter 1:

You Trippin' Little Ol' Child?

I went by the name Arete. It wasn't the name given to me by anyone really, just the name I chose for myself. Did I have any particular reason for choosing so? Well I kind of did like the sound of it.

I had lived once before, or maybe I remembered a different life altogether. I wasn't exactly sure of how exactly all this worked. But I had a name back then too. A name I didn't choose. I figured it was time to choose one now.

At the age of five I just suddenly remembered another life vividly, too vivid for it to be the simple workings of my overactive imagination. Imagination didn't magically make someone understand university level mathematics in probability science, nor did it make anyone feel terribly in grief over the sudden loss of... well... everything.

A whole life lived and lost. Just like that it was gone. So I threw away the name the orphanage gave me. Chloe, they liked to call me. I said no. My name was Arete. A random Greek name I liked the sound of because it caught my fancy. I just wanted a name that sounded cool and unique. Call that childish, call that snapping at life and wanting something good for once, both weren't wrong, neither were entirely right.

At first no one responded to me by said name, thinking I was going through some odd form of tantrum that seemingly made me more stubborn and uncontrollable, but eventually they got used to it. They had to. I wouldn't respond to any other name after all.

"Go to bed child," Madam Hawksbury chided.

She was a stern lady, dressed in tight clothes with her hair up in a bun. She didn't particularly like children from the way she acted around them, not that it stopped the little critters from clinging to her for some semblance of love, starved as they were for affection. I smirked, feeling more than a little petulant at her order. Something about being ordered around made me want to disobey. It was possible the simple challenge of it. It brought me more pleasure than it probably should have.

"Of course Madam Hawksbury," I said sweetly, emulating the voice of a 'proper lady'.

It was a little unfortunate I was born in the early 1980's, because a wild improper girl was seen as something of a disdain. It was not quite as encouraged as it was in the future to be so boisterous and outgoing. But since when had I ever worried about convention anyway?

It seemed for whatever reason, my body in this world fit the exact description of my personality. While in my previous life I had straight black hair, and unassuming features that clashed entirely with what I acted like, in this life I felt more like me. I had voluminous wavy mahogany hair that surrounded my head like a thick mane, bright hazel, almost orange eyes that shone through honey brown skin. I figured I must have been of some mixed descent, but I couldn't exactly tell because no one really had a clue where I came from. I was found near-dead and abandoned by some trash in an alley in Scotland somewhere.

"I don't like that tone Chloe," Madam Hawksbury snarled.

"What tone?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

She grabbed me harshly by my forearm. I ignored the pain of her tight grip as she dragged me into the sleeping quarters. The other girls all gave me varying degrees of confused to worried looks as Hawksbury came fuming in on one of her moods.

"You will go to bed! Tomorrow you will be on toilet cleaning duties for your attitude, and it will continue until you make something proper of yourself," she scolded coldly before promptly turning to leave.

She slammed the door for effect, and everyone flinched simultaneously from the noise. Once she left, I snorted in amusement and then turned to see the bewildered look from the other children. Annabeth, the oldest at 14 jumped from her bunk bed to presumably come to console me when she realised, I was perfectly fine. Her expression of worry quickly turned into baffled exasperation.

"Do you have to poke the lying bear?" she sighed.

I pulled out a key from behind me and everyone stared wide eyed. I grinned in victory. Doris Hawksbury was a woman who despised the touch. She liked to stay approximately a meter distance away from motley little children if she could, and only ever closed the distance to get physical in some way. To get the privilege of her touch was to risk getting a beating. It was also really the only way to get close to her because she really did live up to her name. Her eyes were as sharp as a Hawk when it came to people invading her personal space. I needed to drive her ire to get what I needed. A key to escape.

"You lot can live the rest of your life stored away here like little pets to be bought, or you can come with me and live a little," I said shrugging.

"We can't leave. Where would we even go when we get out there? You won't get any shelter or food or—or" Annabeth continued.

"Plus it's dangerous out there for little girls like us. Creeps everywhere," Lily added in.

I shrugged noncommittally. If they didn't want to come, then it was their prerogative. I wasn't their mother, and it wasn't like we were friends either. For as much as I understood their reluctance to step out of line, I couldn't follow them. They had lived their entire short lives under the strict thumb of a woman who would, without hesitation, starve and beat them for even thinking out of line. They behaved perfectly, tried to pretty themselves up and act like normal children because it was all they could do to escape. To be bought like a prize by some hopefully loving family. There was absolutely no agency in being a child, in being someone with no power whatsoever. It was unfair and cruel when the world refused to budge an inch to your desires.

"Well, I can't exactly force you lot to come with me, but I'm not staying here a bloody moment longer than I have to."

I walked over to my mangy old bed and with great effort pulled up the mattress with my twibby little arms. I quickly grabbed the old backpack I had managed to scrounge up. It held everything I needed to start my journey, a torch, a bottle of water some match sticks, a set of knives I stole from the kitchen, a whole lot of beef jerky and other dried food, rope, a thick blanket and some spare clothes. It was stuffed full and looked too large on my tiny body when I put it on, but I could hardly care less how I looked right now. I was just eager to leave and be done with all this nonsense.

"How do you even expect to survive out there?!" Annabeth asked in panic.

"I'll find a way," I shrugged.

"Look I know we aren't exactly... family but we're better than no one," she urged.

I sent her a raised brow and then looked at the other silent children. There were a dozen or so of us crammed into this tiny room and only Annabeth spoke. It said a great deal that no one bothered to try and stop me. They were too beaten down and broken to do anything and I didn't want to join them in their depression any time soon, waiting for someone to come and save me when they wouldn't.

"You think I'm doing this for family?" I asked incredulously. "I'm leaving because if I waited for someone to come help me then I'd be waiting forever. It's a waste of time. You lot should get out while you still can."

I strode a little quicker to the window and then pushed the key into the lock. I felt a pang of regret for having to leave these children behind. I had irrevocably changed from the Chloe of three months ago, but that Chloe who lived the early five years of her life with these kids still existed. I felt for them, I really did, but I couldn't stay. Maybe I was being selfish in some way, but I just physically couldn't do it. Having to sit put and listen to adults ordering me around until I had no character of my own, until I wilted away into a shell of my former self. I couldn't do it. Also I had 23 years of extra experience under my belt, of a person who had a whole family, maybe not loving or kind, but a family, nonetheless. I wasn't eager to experience that mess all over again.

Sometimes it was just better to be alone.

I pushed open the window and turned back to see Annabeth blinking away tears.

"I really am sorry... I hope you all find loving families one day."

Then I pushed my legs up and around and awkwardly fell onto the spikey bush underneath. I could hear the scrambling of feet coming towards the door.

"Are you ok?" Lily asked.

I spat out some leaves and groaned in embarrassment. Wasn't this meant to be my cool moment or something? I rolled clumsily out of the bush and stumbled to my feet before dusting off the debris of leaves and dirt and giving them a thumbs up.

Annabeth narrowed her eyes from the window. She didn't look too impressed or convinced about what I was doing. Not that my little stumble had helped in any way assure her I could take care of myself.

"We'll be waiting for you when you come back," she sighed.

I stuck my tongue out at her and flipped her of. I could take care of myself! Five-year-old body or not. She snorted and closed the window, gesturing for the other girls to go back. They all followed her lead. She was Hawksbury's favourite after all. I felt a little irritated at my useless twip of a body for betraying me. The others probably thought I'd never make it out on my own. Who knows maybe they were right? I'd never been homeless before in my previous life, so I had no clue how all that worked, not to mention doing it while you're still 3 feet tall felt like hard-mode. Yeah, I was probably going to get caught by some form of child protective services if I went to a homeless shelter, and then I'd inevitably be back on my way to the orphanage again.

So I decided to do something I'd never done before to catch my bearings. People would probably search a week or two for a missing child, but not really more than that, especially for one with no parents. I would just have to wait it out a little in the nearby forest. An extended camping trip if you will. I was really only calling it that to give myself the peace of mind.

I stuck to the shadows as I passed the quiet cold streets. Scotland was never a place I thought I'd be going ever. I lived in Australia for most of my previous life. It was hot and airy, with surprisingly chilly nights and winters, but it was never this cold. I managed to ignore the biting air in favour of looking around the place for the first time. I felt too much like a tourist for someone who was supposedly born in Scotland with the accent and everything, not that I had to keep it. I found it funny how I could switch from Scottish to Australian at will now.

I caught the sign and confirmed my whereabouts. Some small town named Elgen. I walked over to the small building and wormed my way in as quietly as I could from the open back window. Once I was in, I went over to the maps section and grabbed as many as I could before noticing a bowl of candy at the desk. I shovelled the whole lot into my pocket and escaped as quickly as I could. Once I left the inn, I pulled open the map and pulled out my torch. The maps were easy enough to read and I quickly got my bearings. The fact that nights in small towns were quiet and empty helped in my escape, but I kept an eye out until I reached the forest edge. I cut open the fence easily enough and ran of into the forest.

A laugh escaped my throat once I was a safe distance away from any human. I should have been scared. A small child all alone in a forest with no real knowledge on how to survive, but I wasn't. I was just glad to be free out of that horrid place and so I stretched my arms and looked up into the night sky, littered with countless stars as far as the eye could see and a bright crescent moon that made for a beautiful sight.

"Freedom, how sweet... and irritatingly cold you taste!" I shouted with another giggle.

Then I got about piling as many leaves as I could find into a bundle so I could sleep somewhere with my blanket for the night.

Freedom was tiring work. I travelled for the day down the stream, and enjoyed the view immensely. Once the forest gave way to grassy plains and hilly mountains, I was met with the foreign sight of natural Scottish beauty. The Isles were a sight to behold. I even caught sight of some deer and squirrels, two animals I hardly ever saw native in Australia.

Sure the night had been cold and uncomfortable, but I wasn't one to complain. Travel was calming and despite being alone I didn't quite feel lonely. The world seemed too alive and inviting for that ache of loneliness to set in like it had among countless other children who didn't look my way. But as the days went by things became a bit harder to keep up with. I underestimated how much I could ration so I started trying to hunt some fish with a stick, really dive deep into my caveman roots, but I was no fish spearing champion. I eventually settled on a bird trap I used to make as a child. Birds were fascinating creatures, but they were hard to come up close to and really see. All finicky and jumpy with their freedom and all... definitely unlike me.

It wasn't hard to make but the idea of sacrificing some rationed food to put in the trap was painful. I did it anyway and then waited patiently with my rope in hand, glad to have brought it along. One did not play Dungeons and Dragons for years to only forget how useful ropes were. It took about 4 hours for anything to come by, and when it did it was a squirrel. I pulled the rope and watched jump startled in the trap.

"Ah poor little man. I'll um... kill you quick ok," I said apologetically as I picked it up.

I wasn't exactly sure how to kill the cute critter, so I simply held a knife to its throat and paused. It was squirming around, thrashing everywhere in my hands and it just had the cutest, biggest brown eyes I'd ever seen. Plus its hands were so tiny. God it was so tiny! I couldn't kill it.

"Ahh I'm sorry little man! It's your lucky day. Alas I am ball-less. Could be because I'm a girl, could be because I'm a pussy... dad always used to tell me that you know. Don't be a pussy," I sighed as I continued ranting to the frightened creature.

Who was I kidding? I couldn't camp out in the wild forever! But it had only been five days. I couldn't help the little disappointment rake through me as I let go of the animal. It skittered off into its tree and out of sight leaving me squatting on the ground ruffling my oily, jumbled mess of a hair in frustration.

"Fuck, dad was right," I grumbled, running a hand down my face, and pulling at my chin.

"You don't have the guts, he said. You aren't ever going to make anything of yourself, he said. I did! It's not my fault I died before I could get my big break! I was so close to a promotion. So close! Just a few more weeks and I could have been rubbing my fat pay-check on his face! Fuck he was such a cunt!"

I grumbled in irritation, ranting my heart out to the wild. Yeah, I was so close to changing my shitty life around and then I died and ended up in this twip of a body. Not to mention this life sucked marginally more than my old one did. At least I was an adult then! I was the first one to get a degree in my family! Spent years studying my ass of while working to pay for my own tuition just so I could get that Doctorate title. That's right I was a goddamn Doctor! Years of my life spent on getting that PHD on probability physics and here I was dead and now stuck in the body of a homeless child.

"That really sucksss"

I snapped my attention up at the voice and looked around in confusion. I was mildly panicked at the thought that someone heard me, but when I looked around there wasn't anyone there. I frowned and shook my head.

"Fuck, now I'm hallucinating!"

"Silly humansss"

I looked up and noticed a green snake. I blinked in confusion as I noticed the little bump in its stomach.

"Oh god did you eat that squirrel?! Dammit, what was the point of my heroic sacrifice then?" I cried out in frustration.

"Your fault you didn't eat her when you had the chanseeee."

Wait... had the snake talked... the snake was talking. I narrowed my eyes and blinked again, and it looked straight at me. Was I going fucking insane too?

"Did you j-just talk?" I stuttered in shock.

It seemed to pause for a second startled.

"You can underssstand me humannnh? Not ssooh sstupid like the ressst of your kind," it hummed as if it was the most bloody normal thing to do in the world.

I put a hand on my head and took in a few deep, calming breathes, trying to push down the growing panic. Fuck, I was going insane. Was this all just insanity? The elaborate dream of someone who should be locked up in a mental facility. Maybe this confusingly intricate fantasy was coming unravelled in a mess of increasingly ridiculous situations, until the moon became a derp face and all the horses were replaced with my little pony stand ins and Alduin was Thomas the Tank Engine! Oh wait... that was my ridiculous Skyrim mods, not a potential fever dream.

"I should have just taken myself to a mental institution," I mumbled in horror.

"You ssshould. What sssane creattture givesss up a meaaal?"

"If you're really a talking snake then nodd your head!"

"Why sshould I do that huuuman? What isss in it for me? Another meal?" it asked.

"I don't know! Is it so hard just to nodd your head or something?!"

It hissed in what looked like snake frustration and nodded its head. I blinked and rubbed my eyes again. It wasn't a hallucination... or at least if it was it was certainly realistic.

"Damn, so I can talk to snakes huh. So what's your name little man?"

"I am no little maaan!" it shouted in disbelief. "I am a ssnaaake not a mammal, and we don't have these namesss. What is the point?"

I scratched my cheek. "To you know... differentiate between individuals I guess."

"Haah ussseless jussst like the ressst of your kind," it hissed.

"Hey, no need to be a racist cunt," I huffed before once again doing a double take on the fact that I was talking to a snake.

Oddly enough I was taking this pretty well. Too well in fact. Maybe the crazy had settled in.

"Ok well, I need to call you something, and since you won't let me call you little man, you are henceforth dubbed Lenny."

"Sstupid huuman. You give me a name and I won't sssee you again. It isss pointless."

"Yeah then why exactly have you stuck around to talk to me for so long then?" I asked, crossing my arms, and snorting in amusement. Lenny paused as if glowering for being caught in the act.

"I asssumed it wasss an odd human ritual to catch prey and leaaave it. Thought I would sstick around to eat after," Lenny replied, then made to leave.

"Hey wait, wait! Don't go!"

Lenny paused and turned to look at me. I sighed in relief. Crazy or not, I didn't want a talking snake to leave me alone. Worst case scenario, I could sell him off to make some insane money. A talking snake would sell for quite a lot right! Well unless he was a hallucination, but I doubt I'd be alive for long if he was, because he was quite a large creature. I didn't know where I got the courage from, maybe it was my dad's voice whispering 'pussy' into my ears, because I held out my hand close to the hanging snake. He slithered on despite his grumbling. Maybe we both just didn't want to admit to being lonely.

"Hey Lenny, you're really giving a girl some hope here. Never thought I'd ever be a Disney Princess one day," I said excitedly.

"I don't know what you meaaan but I disssagree," he said mildly as he wrapped himself around my neck.

"Hahaha... please don't strangle me," I said nervously chuckling.

"Sstoop opening that ugly flap on your facceee and I won't."

I mimed zipping my lips out of mild fear but mostly what meagre self-preservation instincts I had left and Lenny nodded in approval.

"And human—"

"Yes?"

"Lennnny isssn't a bad name."

I couldn't help but smile at that.

I had an animal companion... which was odd in and of itself, but the company was welcome, even if Lenny did enjoy the silence. We both had one thing in common though, we enjoyed baking in the sun. I sat by the river, enjoying the clear sky and the sun against my increasingly darkening skin. Ah the joy of melanin. No more peeling skin for this girl.

"Hey Lenny do all snakes talk or is it just you?" I asked.

"Snakesss are intelligent. Magical. Like Owlss and Catsss. Like some humansss like you and the old man that livesss down in the cabin," he replied.

"Magical? Wait actually hold up there for a second. What old man in what cabin?" I asked, turning to look at him.

"Human in the foressst like you. Your kind like to liveee in thossseee weird stone walls but sometimesss the good ssort come here," he replied.

Lenny was an irredeemable racist. Heck he had dubbed me the 'good sort of human' which was both a compliment and an insult, but I couldn't bring myself to hate him for it. Humans did kind of suck. Still Lenny was useful. He knew his way around the woods. He knew where to best catch squirrels and find mice hiding away and what berries one could and could not eat. I had eaten so many berries it could have made a whole as pie and a dozen. The matter of the fact was that Lenny was incredibly knowledgeable for a year-old snake.

"So this man in the woods. Does he have a whole house or just a cabin?" I asked.

"What isss the diffferenssse?"

"Ah never mind. The point is he probably has some canned food stored in there. I was never bourgeoisie enough to own a holiday cabin, but I've seen enough movies to know you at least stack the place with firewood and canned food.

"Heat and sussstenance. We ssshould go," Lenny replied eagerly.

"My thoughts exactly comrade Lenny!"

"Comraade?"

"Well I thought since we were going to steal someone else's stuff and share it around I'd make a communist joke... cause you know that's what they did... and you don't even know what it is do you," I said my voice falling flat at the end.

"Humansss and their sstrange thingsss are irrelevant to me," he said dismissively as he curled himself onto my shoulder.

"And yet you use me to travel around."

"You are admittedly fassster," he replied begrudgingly.

"Ok then, no time to waste. Let's go do some breaking and entering with my superiorly faster human legs! Yeah this is going to be fun!"

The idea of doing something risky and illegal had me excited after weeks of walking around in a silent forest with a moody snake for company. I needed something to spice it all up a little.

"Firssst you do that bathing humaaan ritual. You sssmell," he grumbled.

"It's cold! Ok... fine!"

Bathing in the wild was uncomfortable and downright torture. The water was freezing and so was I for a good portion of the time after. My incredibly thick, curly mane of hair didn't help. It was bundling together in clumps now and looked more like a giant tangled birds nest than actual hair. But the worst part was that it took way too long to dry, and so I was stuck shivering with a wet head for most of the walk towards said cabin.

"They better have a fireee. You are cooold," Lenny complained.

"Well get off me then," I grumbled back.

We continued in silence and I began humming. Then tapping. Then my hips began to twist.

"Whattt are you doing huuuman?

"I was caught in the middle of a railroad track. Thunder! And I knew there was no turning back~ Thunder!" I began singing.

"Whhaaat isss it?" Lenny pressed.

"Music Lenny. I don't have any speakers here let alone wi-fi, so you're going to have to deal with my singing."

Then I continued rocking mildly to ACDC, feeling a pang of homesickness as the thought of rock and roll. They didn't have it in this world or universe or whatever the heck I was in… which sucked ass! I did briefly consider maybe writing up these songs and publishing them myself in the future, but first I'd have to solve this homelessness issue.

"My mind raced, and I thought what could I do~ Thunder ~ and I knew there was no help, no help from you~ Thunder ~ sound of the drums beatin' in my heart. The thunder of guns tore me apart. You've been – thunderstruck!"

"It'sss not ssso bad. I like it," Lenny hummed bobbing his head.

"Lenny, you and I are going to be great friends!" I cried in joy. "Let me introduce you to rock'n'roll buddy. We'll accomplish great things together!"

"You're being dramatic agaaain," he grumbled. "Jussst sssing."

"Will do Lenny my man," I said happily.

The rest of the trip was a lot more fun. The fact that Lenny actively enjoyed my singing, even without the instrumental in the back, made me feel a lot better about everything. God, I missed music. Why was this world always so drab? Heck, just imagining looking at myself hurt me physically right now. I couldn't exactly afford to look amazing, but my oversized tattered clothes probably looked hideous.

"It'sss there," Lenny said, finally breaking his silence.

I looked ahead in confusion and saw nothing.

"Are you sure Lenny? Cause I see jack shit," I replied with a frown.

"Humansss are blind?"

"No, I just don't see a cabin," I retorted.

Lenny slithered down my body noncommittally before he slithered on forward. Not knowing what else to do, I followed him forward and after taking a few steps I nearly startled myself onto the ground, because suddenly in front of me was a whole as cabin! What the actual fuck was going on? Another hallucination maybe?

I'd just come to accept Lenny as real, but this really threw a wrench in my sudden faith in his realness. Was I really just having a vivid Alice in Wonderland-esque acid-trip or something? It wasn't like I had anything better to do though, so I let myself into the cabin, following after the snake and into the dusty, unvented interior.

I expected some taxidermy, maybe the casings of a few rifles and a crusty old bed or two, but I didn't expect whatever this was. I paused and took in the incredibly chaotic interior. There were books stacked heavily on shelves upon shelves, no guns, no firewood but a very intricate looking fireplace. I scrounged around and to my relief found canned food stuffed into the interiors of the tiny kitchen, granted it was spam, but beggars couldn't be choosers.

"There'ss no wood," Lenny voiced his complaints.

"Are you kidding Lenny! There's so many things here that we didn't expect, and you're concerned about wood to burn? What's all this about runes and poppycock potions?" I asked as I picked up a few of the books.

"How am I meant to knooow. Humasss are crazzzy," Lenny hissed.

"I could say the same about snakes."

Lenny seemed to take great offence to that.

"Snakesss are sssuperior creaturesss with greater inteligenssse. Do not insssult our kind," he hissed angrily.

I rolled my eyes in amusement. I ignored him in favour of dusting off the book on runes in my hand. It was all stupidly detailed and unironic that it made me wonder if there was some sort of hobby that just had people write up whole Dungeons and Dragons books for the sake of it. I scanned the rest of the books and one of them caught my eye.

"Arithemancy in Architecture," I mumbled in curiosity as I picked it up.

I skimmed through in confusion, but something clicked, and I wondered if maybe this was… real. It felt real. I kept reading and reading until I had eaten up the whole book in two hours and then I rushed to pick up a twig. I scrambled for a piece of paper, and began translating the equations down before I paused, wondering what the fuck I was doing. I looked at the twig in my hand and considered this proof. I couldn't hallucinate a twig could I? I held it up, calculating the angle exactly to the sun like the book had instructed me to and I threw it.

It fell straight into the ground, sticking up.

"Nah, that couldn't mean anything. Once is chance, twice is coincidence, and thrice is a pattern," I repeated to myself before I picked up the stick again and redid the formulae.

I threw it one more time, this time aiming a lot less. I blinked my eyes open and turned to see it stick up from the ground in the exact same hole. I blinked in confusion and then picked it up again before repeating, this time with my eyes closed. When I opened my eyes to see it in the same exact position again, I felt my jaw drop.

"What the actual ever living fuck is going on?!"

"Magic Arete. It isss magic," Lenny said as if it was obvious.

I picked up the book and rushed back into the cabin. The shelves upon shelves of what I previously thought to be useless fantasy books, suddenly seemed infinitely more interesting.

"Lenny, I have work to do!"

My face splitting smile was definitely not from the prospect of becoming a goddamn WIZARD!

A/N

Just had this idea running around in my head for a while. Arete is not exactly a self-insert (although she kinda is). Like I'm no whizz at probability maths or anything, but we have the same-ish personality, expect her chaos is just amped up to a hundred. But I know Si/Oc's have been done to death. I still can't help myself :')

Also if Arete says 'cunt' a lot, it's because a lot of Australians use it (sometimes even as a term of endearment) Maybe not everywhere in Australia, but definitely where I come from. I know it's seen as a taboo word in America so just putting out a casual reminder here, that it isn't where I come from.

cover art was done by jaz_hop aka me, on Instagram!

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