Good Ol' Fashioned Razzmatazz Chapter 3:
The Wickety Ways of the World
Turned out that Gibs had a cute voice, a little cracky here and there, but he always managed to keep a tune. We walked and I talked most of the time, keeping amiably light conversation about music until the topic turned to magic.
"And Orpheus won't even let me use a wand! How am I meant to study magic without actually being allowed to do it?" I asked.
"Missus only needs to wait five years. Wands shouldn't be used by young ones because of rebound magic," Gibs explained.
"Rebound magic?" I asked.
"It's when magic goes wrong. Very chaotic! Gibs had several mishaps when he was young," Gibs said nodding his head.
"Oh, and who taught you?"
"No one teaches house-elves Missus. We learn it on our own," Gibs replied.
I stopped to stare at Gibs for a hot minute. He learnt magic on his own! What was it that Orpheus said... you need to have a will, tie it into words, and then divine the flow of magic in the world to create a spell? Gibs had skipped two of those steps altogether. I didn't recall him saying a word at all. Maybe it was because words made it easier to will something into existence. But that didn't explain how he could perform magic without a wand and zero hand movements. Could elves just will existence to bend around them?
"Is the Missus, ok?!" Gibs asked worriedly.
"Um... yeah, I guess. Hey Gibs, can you do everything a wizard can do?" I asked.
Gibs shook his head forlornly. "No Gibs knows how to apparate, levitate and heal, but Wizards are superior so Gibs cannot compete."
I snorted in disbelief. "I beg to differ my little gremlin. You do what apparently only master wizards can do—you use wandless magic. The fact that you learnt all those on your own and are proficient in it means you're better than most of us human dickwads."
"Thatsss not ssssoo hard to do. Humansss are weak," Lenny piped in.
I ignored the snake for a moment. Gibs looked oddly like he was having a migraine. I noted that down for later, feeling suspicious about his entire situation the more I thought about it. I didn't want to push him too far too quickly. I'd seen enough abuse victims revert back to justifying what they'd been through when pushed too quickly. We had reached the city borders anyway. The fence separating the forest and civilisation was only a few metres away.
"Ok Gibs you gotta wear a hoodie now. And pants! Luckily, my alter ego is a boy and we're about the same size so this should work," I said picking up some clothes from my bag.
In all honesty it was hurting my eyes to look at such a cute elf with the biggest blue eyes wasting away his unique looks in rags. Bloody rags! He deserved better! He deserved to find his style! A hoodie would suffice... for now anyway. So I shovelled him the clothes and watched expectantly.
"U-u-uaaaaaahhhhh," he moaned, looking around, eyes wide and flitting.
"Words Gibs, I need words," I said lightly.
"Gibs can't wear these! Gibs can't accept clothes!"
"Are you saying you've been wearing that your entire life?"
I stared at him in horror as he awkwardly nodded. I looked down at the ground, mouth agape and mind blanking in sheer disbelief.
"Gibs my man, I'm really getting angry. You know anger ain't my style," I said ruffling my hair and huffing.
"Gibs can do better!"
"Not at you, you doufus. At Orpheus, that mother fucking cunt, douchey fuck-faced, slavery loving shithead," I cursed, spitting on the ground.
Oh lord, I wanted to be calm right now, but my nerves had frayed from pity, to sadness, to absolute fucking rage. The anger wasn't helping. It was so unlike me to get angry. Sure I complained a lot, but the ranting was always light-hearted and left me feeling like myself. This anger felt almost hopeless. I didn't know what to do to stop this whole slavery mentality. It wasn't mine to stop. I huffed. Yeah, it had never been my job to change other people anyway. Gibs was cool, but so were those girls in the Orphanage, and they'd made their choice. I'd just have to give them a better option and let them choose it.
I took in a deep breath, steeled myself, and decided to let it go if it failed.
"You know what, yeah, no more of all this. You can wait out here unseen in this forest or you can come with me, live a little, and experience the world. I'm not your master so I can't tell you what to do. It's your choice."
I was disappointed when Gibs backed down, head bowing once more. For some reason this hurt more than it did with the girls in the orphanage. I'd known them for years and Gibs for a solid week, and he'd somehow managed to push all the buttons to make me care. I didn't need that right now, but feelings were feelings. I put down the clothes I'd taken out onto the forest floor, just in case he changed his mind.
"Well, if you change your mind. My dad always told me not to be a pussy, but I reckon it's ok to be a pussy as long as you grow some balls later down the line... even if it takes a while," I laughed awkwardly as I scratched my head.
Gib's looked up at me with wide eyes, but stayed, nonetheless. I left Gibs there soon after. There was nothing more I could do. Was it even my job to stop injustice anyway? If I could go on living my life the way I wanted, then nothing else mattered right?
"The elf wassss weak, sssheedding him like old ssskin wassss logical," Lenny said, in what I thought was an attempt to comfort.
"That really makes me sound like a dick," I grumbled as I scaled up the fence.
"Do human femalesss have dicksss?"
"What? No!"
I shot Lenny a look of disgust before I entered into the outer city limits. It was still pretty much shrubbery but the longer I went in the more buildings I could see.
"Ah, can you smell the air, Lenny? It's the smell of pollution, and human stank. It's beautiful!"
"Humanssss are ssstupid."
"Yeah, and they're also afraid of snakes, so hide in my jacket for now," I said.
I put on my hat and tucked my mane of hair in there. It hurt me to hide such beautiful curls. As we entered civilisation, Lenny peaked his head out of my jacket and began asking inane questions about human behaviour, and occasionally making disgusted sounds. It wasn't until I hitched a bus ride or two that we went from suburban to store fronts. I rubbed my hands eagerly as I looked across the many food stalls around the place.
"And thesssseee food tasssteess good cooked?" Lenny asked in disbelief.
"Aw man does it! What I would give to eat a Bunnings Snag," I groaned.
There was just something about a good ol' Aussie snag after shopping at Bunnings that just hit the right spot for me. I almost burst into tears knowing I couldn't get it in this country. I knew I could just find a hotdog, but it just wouldn't feel the same.
"Ok yeah, I'm not stealing a hot dog. That
would just make me depressed. Let me show you how a girl hustles some proper food," I grinned.
I swiped a ball from one of the children playing nearby with it and threw it up onto the roof of a nearby pizzarea.
"Why would you do that!" the kid shouted angrily.
"I was trying to throw it to you. Guess I have bad aim," I shrugged.
The kid who I'd taken the ball from looked kind of scraggly and red in the face. I batted my eyes innocently at him.
"Ok how about I help you get it down?"
"You better!" he shouted.
He stormed by next to me as we walked up to the pizzeria. The couple sitting outside turned to us as we went up to them.
"Can you please help us? I accidentally threw the ball up there," I said, pointing up at the low hanging gutter.
If the man stepped on the table, he'd be able to reach up and get it for us with a little bit of effort. He nodded grabbing the chair as he got up. No doubt he was unable to say no to two cute kids. The waiter came by with the food and noticed his customer standing on the table and put the pizza down, telling the man to step aside and let him do it since he was taller. I grinned as the boy began helping them by telling them where the ball was in the gutter while they reached for it. I grabbed the hot pizza and subtly walked away with the box.
It was only a safe distance away that I stopped by an alleyway and groaned happily at the smell of freshly made food. Proper food! The smell enough was orgasmic. I had gone too long with berries and wild unseasoned game!
"And that's how you steal Lenny. A little bit of distraction never hurt anyone," I chuckled.
Lenny uncurled himself from my neck and sniffed the pizza before making a dissatisfied sound. I didn't mind. That meant more pizza for me. I was about most of the way through the delicacy when the boy who I'd stolen the ball from came panting into the alley way, red cheeked.
"You!" he shouted.
I pointed at myself mid-way through a bite and he growled angrily, storming my way. He made to grab for a pizza slice, but I kept moving the box away from his hands with my somehow quicker reflexes.
"What the hell! You got me in trouble so the least you can do is give me a slice!"
"No way! You got played so deal with it. Plus it's been months since I had proper food!"
He looked down at my get‐up suspiciously. No doubt noting the richness of my clothes. He sneakily made to swipe again, but alas this body of mine apparently had great instincts and so I moved the last piece onto my hand and spat on it for good measure.
"I've marked it so it's mine!" I cackled evilly as I let the spit hang there for a while.
"I don't care about some spit! Give it to me!"
"What no, don't be gross!"
He made to swipe at the pizza which was now in my mouth. I held out my hand, and his cheeks slapped against my palms as he struggled to reach out to the slice I was eating. I was getting a good laugh from it all when Lenny jumped out of my sweater and hissed. The boy yelped and fell to the ground.
"Irritating humansss. Don't wakeee me up," he hissed.
The boy screamed as he shuffled away on his butt. He pointed at the snake lost for words, blonde hair practically sticking up in fear.
"S-s-snake!"
"Why what an astute child. This is Lenny," I introduced.
Lenny grumbled about sleep before going back into my sweater. The boy stopped pointing, a curious look taking his eyes, as he got up to his feet.
He narrowed his eyes at my chest where Lenny was hiding. "Is... is that your pet?"
I snorted in amusement as Lenny began writhing in anger, hissing about being no one's pet. "Nope Lenny is Lenny. Anyway, now scram child. The day is young and there's so many idiots to scam!"
"I'm not a child. You're a child! Also I'm going not because you told me to, but because you're... you're STUPID!"
He huffed before turning around. There was a loud grumble suddenly and the boy paused to hold his stomach. I raised a brow and realised maybe he might have been hungry. He looked miserable. I sighed as I cursed my conscience.
"Ok, ok wait! I'm sorry ok," I said, stopping him.
"Hmph!"
He crossed his arms petulantly. I ruffled my hair in despair at what I was going to do.
"Fine then! I'll get you some food and we can call it even," I huffed.
He turned around, blue inquisitive eyes narrowing in hope and disbelief. Sheesh, what were his parents doing letting their kid get so hungry for anyway?
"Really? But you ain't got any money," he noted.
"Well I don't often encourage thievery when you can pay honestly, but no one's gonna miss a pizza or some stolen candy," I shrugged.
"Stealing is bad," he mumbled.
"Don't be a pussy kid. You're what seven? At your age I'd stolen a lot of things. Come on let's go... unless you want to starve that is," I said raising a brow.
"I'm not a p-p-puss...y," he stuttered before following after me.
I rolled my eyes. Didn't intend for a child to end up following me, but I wouldn't be a good adult if I didn't feed them when they were hungry right? That's probably about the only thing I'd know to do with a kid if I had one. Oh well, the more the merrier!
As it turned out the boy's name was Kevin and from the looks of things, he had incredibly negligent parents. I sympathised; I really did. I'd had my fair share of daddy issues to deal with and it seemed Kevin had that on top of trauma of losing his actual parents, considering he was only recently orphaned at the age of 5.
"So that's why I'm living in the new home," he concluded his story as he slurped down the noodles we stole.
"Uh-huh, so your new parents' poor or something?" I asked.
He froze and looked away worriedly. Then when he noticed we were alone he conspiratorially turned my way to whisper.
"They aren't people," he whispered.
I snorted. "Tell me about it. Parents can be monsters."
"No... I mean they really aren't people," the boy repeated in frustration.
I turned to look at him and narrowed my eyes. Real monsters? Of course they fucking were. I couldn't just catch a break from all this magical bullshit, could I? And why exactly was I surrounded by a bunch of hapless souls in need of saving?
"If they're really monsters from myth, you'd better narrow it down for me kid. There's a fuck-tonne of monsters in all kinds of shapes and sizes."
He frowned, folding his arms, and closing in on himself. A real visible sign of shutting down traumatic thoughts maybe. I wondered if maybe this world was just going out of its way to make me adopt small, troublesome creatures as retribution for something or another. As it stood though... I couldn't just ignore whatever it was the kid was going through. If his new 'parents' really were some kind of dark magic creatures of sort, then he very well could die, and I could deal with a lot but not really the guilt of letting a child get murdered.
"How about this. You can come with—"
"Come with who?"
I turned around to see a very familiar face. We both stared at each other for a very long second. I had a feeling this world was incredibly small to be running into someone this soon.
"Chloe?"
"It's Arete," I said out of instinct before I narrowed my eyes. "What are you doing here Annabeth?"
Madam Hawksbury's little favourite was not someone I thought I'd bump into again. Her blonde hair was dishevelled and a little dirty, her skin dry and cracked, and she had lost a lot of weight. Overall she looked terrible. And she was 14 too, not quite at an age where she had any hope of being adopted anymore. Had the old hag thrown her out?
Before I could question anything anymore, she grabbed Kevin by his hand and yanked him up. The poor boy dropped the rest of his meal and looked at it in distress. She scowled at me before turning away hastily with the younger boy in hand.
"Come on Kevin, you know not to talk to strangers," she said.
"But you know her!" Kevin replied in frustration.
"Yeah, and he also knows me," I said, grabbing the boy's free wrist and stopping Annabeth from dragging him away.
She turned around gritting her teeth with an ugly emotion on her face. She yanked Kevin harder and being smaller, I could barely keep my hold on his free wrist. She easily pulled him behind her and took a step towards me. I didn't like this feeling... of being small and weaker against some larger opponent. It brought this defiant courage through my veins that made me smile and feel idiotically like posing a challenge only backed by false bravado. It was stupid, and suicidal, and altogether a need to not look weak that even I knew would get me hurt, but I couldn't help it.
"Are you living with this 'monster' too?" I asked, undeterred by her more imposing teenager form.
She froze in her step forward and seemed to falter with fear in her eyes. I quickly reminded myself that this was still just a kid. And fuck it, sometimes even irritating teenagers with their know-it-all shitty attitudes were just kids who needed help.
"You know, I'm living with a monster too," I said, hoping to painfully try the diplomatic route.
Annabeth looked down at my clothes and looked indignation for a moment. She probably thought I was lying.
"A monster who gives you clothes and keeps you fed," she snorted. "Please, spare me your attempt at being 'relatable'."
I really couldn't help but appreciate the sheer thickness of the sarcasm in her voice. It was full of anger and dry hate.
"No, I mean literally. I'm living with a vampire," I said.
"Do you think you're being funny—"
I held out my hands in a placating gesture. "—I'm being serious Annabeth. I'm living with a Vampire, magic is real, and I can talk to snakes."
She stopped for a moment, losing the aggression in her body language, but still looking vaguely frustrated. She let out a sound between a grunt and a sigh.
"Of course you are. You didn't listen to me when I warned you about creeps. At this stage I'm not even surprised Vampires exist, or that you're talking to snakes. I might just be fucking insane myself!"
"Did you just... swear?" I asked in disbelief.
In all the short six years of my life here, I'd never once heard Annabeth utter a single cuss word. When she stubbed her toe against the corner of the bench, like a total ungodly badass she kept a straight face, bent down gracefully, and held her toe without making a sound. I don't know why the fuck I remembered that memory so vividly. It might have had something to do with the sheer fucking awe I felt at her pain tolerance in that moment. No sane human wouldn't curse after stubbing a toe. That was a law of nature. For that she had my respect.
"I bloody well did swear Arete. Because Vampires fucking exist too! What next fairies and centaurs and wizards?"
"Um..."
"I don't want a fucking answer to that question. It was rhetorical question!"
She was breathing heavily now. Looked like she was on the brink of a hysterical breakdown. That was... until Kevin tugged at her sleeve and gently sat her down on the ground. Lenny curled up my neck as we all watched Annabeth out her head in her hands and groan.
"Damn... so you guys wanna let me know about these monsters?" I asked, sitting down next to her.
"It'ssss werewolvessss. I can sssmelll the moon magicccc on her," Lenny noted.
I made an 'ooh' sound at my snake, wondering how he'd managed to detect from just scent alone. I thought snakes saw mainly through vibrations and sound. Maybe Lenny was more magical than I'd initially thought.
Annabeth looked at the hissing snake for a moment, but to her credit didn't scoot away from me. She knew then, on some deeper level, that Lenny was no normal snake. So she really was dealing with a literal monster and not some metaphorical one. I didn't know which was worse.
"I don't know. They're a group... but they're all werewolves I think," she said.
"A pair of them pretend to be our parents when they adopt us," Kevin piped up nervously. "But really they just got us workin day and night for em. Some of the kids go missing... I think they—"
"—They don't do anything of the sort," Annabeth hissed, cutting off Kevin before he could finish.
"So what I'm seeing here, is a bunch of pansy wankers taking hostage hapless children and turning them into slave labour?"
"Pansy wankers?" Annabeth asked.
I had a feeling she was storing that away for later use. It was a good feeling to know I was finally teaching the younger generation something worthwhile. I couldn't help but feel like the world was trying to tell me something... something along the lines of 'please free these poor innocent, adorable little creatures from the shackles of pansy wankers'. It wasn't exactly the worst calling in life to have... although it didn't quite tickle my pickle. But still, when something this important just slammed right into your face, you'd have to be a complete asshole to just ignore it and let the kids get fucked sideways.
Plus I had a feeling I knew the problem I was stumbling into. And fuck if Orpheus had a hand in this business of child kidnapping, abuse, and forced labour, I'd be the one sending a snake up his ancient ass for retribution, ancient scary vampire wizard or not. But for now, I could rank a bet that this had the general stank of Fenrir Greyback all over it, and I knew Orpheus had dealings with him.
"Anyway, it's not your problem. You go deal with your Vampire."
"Nah, he's not too bad. Just a little grumpy and stingy. You on the other hand have a real problem, I feel obliged to help fix."
"What?" Annabeth asked.
"What I mean to say is that I'm going to help you out."
"You're just a kid," Kevin snorted.
I rolled my eyes. "A kid, who by the way, can talk to snakes and is learning to be a wizard. Look just give me the run down on your situation."
"Wait, a wizard?!" Kevin shouted.
"Are we just going to gloss over that?" Annabeth asked, raising a brow.
I rolled my eyes. "Yes. Now a rundown of your situation if you will?"
Annabeth took a moment before she finally seemed to crack and tell me. As it turned out it sounded like a literal crack operation. The children were only allowed an hour outside but spent the majority of their time working in a factory underground. As it also turned out, Kevin had broken more than a few rules today and would be punished harshly. At the thought of it, the boy paled, and tears began pooling at his eyes. But I managed to ignore it long enough to get the rest of the details out of the more composed Annabeth, who let me know of the general layout of their base.
"What are you going to do anyway?" she sighed defeatedly. "There's at least about a dozen of them."
"Relax Anna-b," I said grinning. "There's quite a lot of ways of making grown men shudder and wish for death. You just have to be a little creative and sneaky."
The ear splitting, vicious grin I felt take my face apparently unnerved the children, but despite it there was suddenly some fire in their eyes.
"Tonight at around their dinner time, is there a way I can get in?" I asked.
"There's Holly... she's set for factory duty then with Rob. Maybe she can come?"
"Just open that vault gate you mentioned. I'll do the rest."
"W-what are you going to do?" Kevin asked.
"Well even if it fails it won't hurt you guys, now, will it? All you have to do is watch out for me. I'm sure it'll be pretty obvious when it happens," I said with a grin.
"Fine, but as long as it doesn't come back to us. I don't want to see any of the little ones get punished," Annabeth said, a nervous wring to her voice as she shuddered as if caught in a memory.
If the perfect rule keeper was going against the authority, then it must have been pretty bad. I couldn't help but feel like I was going to enjoy giving those werewolves a thorough fucking up their wet furry arses for taking advantage of children. Then again, that was assuming I would live through this encounter. But life was a bunch of opportunities, and I damn well wouldn't miss one that would bring me regret in the future.
This was going to be the most batshit insane thing I'd ever done. I had a feeling it wasn't the last time I'd be in this situation either... oh well fuck it, you only live twice, right?
"Why ssshoould we hellppp them?" Lenny asked.
"Sometimes it's just the right thing to do Lenny."
"Whyyyyy? Why issss it right?"
"Well if someone was keeping you in a cage and forcing you to do increasingly fucked up and painful things, wouldn't you want someone to help free you?"
"Yesss... but someone would do thaaat?" Lenny asked in disbelief.
I paused and looked down at my friend and sighed. "Yeah, Lenny. If they were a good... or at least good-ish person, then they'd do it. It's what keeps the world going around. Positivity and good deeds! Or else everything is just miserable."
"Yessssss like how I forrssee you to capture prey for me. That isss good deed? I like good deeedsss. Very ussseful," he said, nodding to himself.
"What—no... ok just forget it," I huffed.
"I ssstill don't undersstannd why we haaave to help them," he repeated.
"Because Lenny... I'll get you more fresh rabbits ok!"
"Okkk, very good reasssson to help," he finally agreed.
I couldn't help but groan in irritation, but a deal was a deal, and Lenny began the arduous task of talking to the forest animals for me, while I went about trying to recruit as many snakes as I could find. Quite a few of them were enticed by the idea of a whole den full of stored food that I would lead them straight to.
"Yes, it's the den to the... um... God of snakes! Yes, the god of snakes. His snakeiness is waiting for you there, but his den was captured by rabid wolf men."
The snake twirled down from the tree in an agitated motion.
"What issss God?"
Oh fuck? Yeah, that story wasn't very well thought out was it? Eventually I did manage to somehow explain the concept of a magical really overpowered snake with a snake afterlife awaiting those who followed him. Using religion to establish a familiar point of interest in all these deadly gullible snakes was an amusing thought... or it would have been if I hadn't been followed by more than a dozen of them, not killing me as long as they believed my very hastily thought out lie.
Meanwhile Lenny had managed to somehow get at least a few owls to come on this insane expedition too. As it turned out, the owls were just in it because they didn't like the sound of human children being abused. I didn't have a clue why owls of all things felt sympathy for human children, but who was I to question the unnatural ways of this weirdly fucked up world? I was the one after all leading an animal revolt against human-animal hybrid monsters.
"And the rooty mushrooms?" I asked Lenny.
"In the baaaaag," he said, pointing towards an owl.
It landed on my arm and handed me my bag. I sent it an impressed look. Damn, I really needed myself an owl friend too! They seemed a lot more friendly than snakes. I handed the owl a piece of dried jerky which it gobbled up happily before flying up top with his brethren.
"Ok so magical army set. Magical mushrooms set. Now all we need are some curse breaking gloves, and a pinch of good odds. Lenny, my special stick!"
Lenny, like the absolute dick he was, didn't respond to my request. It was meant to be my cool magician moment too! He was meant to be the assistant. Anyway I digressed. I took out my magical pointy stick on my own and put it on the ground, pointing up at the crescent moon. Then I grabbed my throwing runes and methodically began casting them under the moonlight to calculate the exact percentage of chance this absurd plan had of winning.
"Oh shit-cakes."
"Whattt?"
"It says it's about a 36% chance of success..."
"The § runnne issss upside down ssstupid human," Lenny pointed out.
"Oh you're right," I said, flipping it back around.
"Ssssoooo, what'sss the sssuccsesss chanssse?"
"Ahhh... who fucking cares Lenny? Let's just do it."
"Your magic ssssuuucccksss."
"I'm still learning. Now quit nit-picking my ass. It's time we show some child abusing cunts, that children should be shown some fucking respect."
"I like it when you're ssscarrry."
"Thanks Lenny. Now let's go!"
A/N
Hohohohohoho. Time for some chaos! I reaaally enjoy writing Arete. There's something about her roguish charms, mixed with her desperate need to look like a proper lady, all packaged in the body of a tiny six-year-old gremlin, that makes her absolutely hilarious.
Also if anyone's wondering, there will be more canon characters popping up in the future. Although people like Harry Potter and the Hogwarts cast will only end up appearing—obviously when she's around 11, so about 5 years away. I do intend to do a time-skip but trust me when I say she'll be in a really odd place at the start of her Hogwarts career. Arete is chaos incarnate, and no one can really predict where she'll end up.
Also before anyone asks, yes, she does have a propensity of adopting small, cute things in the need of saving. Even if she adamantly will disagree with that fact and claim to be inherently selfish.