A Nutcracker for Beth

I'm someone who loves Christmas. I love the spirit of Christmas. I'm early to buy my presents and usually I won't forget not anyone. There are my parents, then my three sisters Meg, Jo and Amy, and of course, their lovers.
And of course, my good friend Mr. Laurence. But I'd never expect that I would be also early to receive a "gift". If you want to call it a gift.
It was Amy's idea, when we were doing some ballet-aerobic. Amy is a perfect ballerina and I'm just practicing to stay healthy. Actually, I had been some time ago at a real ballet school, but..., anyway,
Amy suggestet suddenly during the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy something special...I still can't believe it! Actually, it is connected to something some years ago, when I was still at the ballet school, and was going to perform Clara. Meanwhile, I've been focusing on my music, working hard to get accepted at the Conservatory, but then I was overworked. So,I'm only focusing on my charity activities, like playing for ill children in the hospital or visiting the "Bumblebees" at the local primary school. They're named after principal teacher Ms. Hummel (this means "bumblebee, actually"). And as it is a hard winter, Amy suggested something daring: Mr. Laurence could manage a charity event connected with a special performance of The Nutcracker ballet on Christmas! It would be done with professionals in New York! Amy had been a part of this ensemble, joining in a Swan Lake performance with her boyfriend Laurie and even Jo! Apparently, due to some circumstances, the choregrapher owes them a favor. And here is my definitely problem. I should be Clara! It's not that I couldn't. I was supposed to be Clara years ago. I still practice some ballet steps for fun. But years ago, I fainted just before the performance, hitting my head. As result, I didn't perform my part. And I left ballet school. I could never overcome my fear again. Instead, I've kept watching the Nutcracker in various performances, such also on DVD. I know the performances from Boston, San Francisco and New York, from the Royal Ballet, and the movie with Kirkland. I know even the sugary pink one from the Mariinsky in St. Petersburg and the lavish reconstruction at Berlin Ballett. I'm watching each year Barbie in the Nutcracker - and I adore especially the scene when Prince Eric's spell is broken and he performs a perfect pas de deux with the brave and kind heroine, while the whole kingdom is getting green and colorful again. Sometimes I've been dreaming to be Clara again. And now Amy is demanding exactly the same. Well, not "demanding". But it is the perfect opportunity to help. The sold tickets would be used to help poor and ill children. And the visitors could also spend some money. So, I think, I actually should really do it. Amy agreed to help me. And I have to do it. But the biggest problem is not the dance, but overcoming my nightmare...

"Are you nuts? Sorry for this pun, but honestlym that's crazy! That's dangerous!" Frank said, when we were walking through the snowy streets. Frank is not my boyfriend, if you're wondering about that. Amy and Meg are the ones who are trying to persuade me to admit it. But no, Frank is only a good friend. I mean, we have never kissed and he never asked me for a date. We met in the hospital, when he was suffering from an injury. He had been quarterback and at least this factis proof enough - he's not the right one for me. He has no idea of music and I'm sure I'm too boring for a young, tall, strong man with blonde hair and blue-green eyes. I've also only noticed that by chance, just to be clear. My goodness, as if I would care for eye colors. "But I have to do it", I mumbled as good as this would work with a heavy scarf. Snow flakes were dancing and I had the sound of the waltz of the snowflakes from Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker in mind. The reason for my decision is gratitude. Amy went to visit me at the hospital after my breakdown just after her first performance as Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. She missed the chance to meet the talent scouts afterwards and even if Amy is telling again and again that it didn't mean anything to her, I feel guilty for that. I ruined her big chance. Even if Amy is now starring in Mr. Ashton's ensemble in N.Y., it was a hard way for her. And this is what I want to pay back.
"Elizabeth, be reasonable. I'm worrying for your health! It's not only because of this exhausting training, but also the stress to perform in such a big place! You are not stong enough for that, at least not now." Frank said.
I turned to him and gave him my angriest look (not as impressive as I'm intending it).
"You have no idea! Just because I'm a girl? I'm not a mouse and not a breakable plate. And just because I'm not such a celebrated quarterback, I've definitely strength in me!" I said with an unusual sharp voice.
"Eliza, you're not yourself at the moment. I'm not doubting your strength, but you should defintely not go to New York. I know it from Fred! It is painful and hard, and I do not want..."
"Don't call me Eliza! Don't tell me what do you want!" I retortet, tears running down from my cheeks. "Don't tell me about your twin brother!". Ahem, it was Fred who was Amy's first dancing partner.
Then I turned around and ran away from Frank. I still heard him cursing and calling me back.
And I hated myself. I didn't want to reveal how I had been hurt and show any weakness. I didn't want to be the timid girl, I wanted to be the daring and celebrated one like Amy or Jo. I heard the sharp and mean voices from the girls in my ballet group, when I had been fainted. "Look, that's our real Sugar Plum Fairy. Always out of reach, if it matters! - Timid tortoise! Lazybones!"- all in my darkness. I'd never told anybody about it, but I've still the scars. It's time to rewrite my story.

And so, I'm now here in Laurie's and Amy's car, looking curiously out of the window to get everything from New York. Everything is decorated in a festive and sparkling way. I love Christmas so much, it's my favorite time of the year! Meg is rather like the generous fall, Jo like the hor summer, and Amy like the beautiful spring time. I feel little here, even littler, when we are meeting Mr. Ashwell. And then I'm getting introduced to Fred Vaughn and his new partner (and girlfriend) Florence ("Flo"). They're going to be the Prince and the Sugar Plum Fairy. Amy would star as Dewdrop Fairy in the Waltz of the Flowers. And then I'm meeting June Elliott (Arabian Dance), Maya Chesterova (Mirlitons), Valeri Rodutov (Russian Dance) and Jo's new boyfriend Friedrich Bhaer - he's going to be Uncle Drosselmeyer. It's so exciting to be here! It's great to watch them rehearsing. And I have to admit that I'm very excited and nervous. Now I have to show them my dance with the nutcracker doll. I try to relax during the music and my friends are cheering abd clapping their hands. But I've also seen Mr. Ashwell's face. He's frowning. And in my heart I'm feeling that he seems not to be pleased-

Frank is actually right. It hurts. And I do not only mean my feet. It's my whole body. Friedrich tries to calm me down and encourage me, when we are practicing the dances in Act 1. He's helding my back gently and leads me in the right direction. And I'm defintely not thinking all the time at Frank. And I would never tell him about my worries. Actually, he has not answered my calls on phone. I'm just trying to forget all about this silly guy. Right?

It's time for picking costumes. Clara is going to wear an oldfashioned blue dress in the beginning and a white nightgown later. Of course, I envy a bit Flo and Amy in their fancy fairy dresses.
Then we're going to the stage. I'm seeing the seats for the audience. Suddenly I feel a trembling and shaking in my body. It all starts like a blurry and my face is getting pale. No, no, no!
"I'm all fine", I'm whispering in a high-pitched voice. But just then, I hear Mr. Ashwell's sharp words thundering: "Enough! This is not going happen! I won't have my Christmas performance ruined by an unprofessional girl in the main part! You, Elizabeth March, won't be a part of any of my performances, not even as littlest mouse! This charity event is cancelled! It's a crazy idea. We'll do a professional, perfect perfomance of Balanchine's Nutcracker."
"No...!" I screamed, my tears running down.
"Don't try to manipulate me!" Mr. Ashwell snapped.
Amy hugged me and I only realized many voices around me, discussing and begging and shouting and cursing, mixed up with German and Russian language snippets.

So, I left New York. Amy did also leave. Mr. Ashwell said he would replace us anyway with Russian guest stars. Amy is telling me again and again that it was only a flimsy excuse to get rid of the charity event. But I didn't say anything and kept listening to the music in the radio. Last Christmas. It made me cry even more.
At home, I was cuddled by my parents and everyone was so nice to me. Mr. Laurence was furious, but I assured him that I was fine. Together, we were talking about the events and when he left, he hugged me. "Thank you, Mr. Laurence" I whispered. As there were only two weeks until Christmas, I started to visit the children in the hospital and in the primary school. I prepared presents, helped them to find perfect Christmas trees, and I played the piano all over again and again.
But just then, Ms. Hummel called me into her office.
"Beth, I've heard abut your planned charity ballet event. And I really despise this choreographer. I've talked with Mr. Laurence and we agreed that we could stage a Nutcracker performance here at this school. We've got a couple youg dancers and arobats here - and they would love to create this performance together with you - for you!" I was so surprised that I didn't know how to answer. Finally, I begged for a bit time to think about the offer. Though, the next surprise was, when in the evening someone rang at the door. It was Friedrich, who had left New York to help me. He would join for free - Mr. Ashwell would replace him with a Russian guest star. Jo was embracing and kissing him, and I was crying again. I was aware that Friedrich would lose the payment from Ashwell, and he would do everything for my family. And me.

And I didn't think of him. Well, tried at least. I met him again by chance, when I was returning from my hospital visit.
We were walking silently side by side.
"I'm sorry", he started the conversation. "I mean, sorry because I said these things. You are really strong and I'm admiring you very much for it."
"Oh" I said and blushed.
Frank smiled and then he pointed on an ice rink. "Do you want to try it? I'm inviting you!"

While I was hesitating, he already grabbed some skates and started to skate on the rink, firs slowly, then faster and faster, with turns and stops.
When he arrived again, where I was standing, he looked straightly in my eyes.
"Beth, my brave Beth, do you actually know where my injury was from? It was actually not during a match, but on the ice rink. Just for leisure. I never dared to go ice skating in my life. But you inspired me to be brave and try it again. And look - you mustn't be afraid of falling and hurting. It won't happen again!"
This time, I'm taking the skates he's been offering, and grabbing his hand,I start to skate together with him. First slow and careful, then faster and more fluent. I smile and laugh, and I see, how Frank is smiling, too. He is twirling me around. Just then I slip and fall. When he looks worried, I just shrug.
"Nothing is happened. It wasn't bad!" He helps me to stand up, and then he is cupping my face. Our eyes meet and I'm recognizing the beautiful grey sparkles in his blue and green eyes. Then his lips are coming closer to my face and I let it happen. The floor we're standing on is slippery, but I feel save in his hands. It's my very first kiss and I've never imagined that it would be so beautiful. And I know exactly what I'm going to do...

"Where's Frank?" I ask Amy anxiously. It's the day of the performance. Everyone had agreed to help to make it happen. Friedrich had even persuaded his little ballet students from New York, Kitty, Tina and Minnie to join. As we were running out of time, the stage was not perfectly decorated. The costumes were either self-made or borrowed from Carnival. And Amy had put together old ballet costumes, from performances of Don Quixote (Spanish), La Bayadere (Arabian) or The Little Humpbacked Horse (Russian). Ms. Hannah Mullet had been helping. Meg surprised us with beautiful costumes from a Giselle performance. She promised she would later tell us how she would get to know her John during a performance of this romantic ballet (and now they were going to interpret Clara's parents). We even found a solution for the first act. Instead of historical dresses, we put contemporary clothes together - pajamas instead of nightgowns! And now this odd phone message from Frank: See u later, my Clara. "Darling, I've not spottet him!" Jo said and hugged me. "But why would it matter? I'm so proud of you!" she sniffed. Jo was the narrator of the ballet and she wrote a poetic story just for this performance. However, Amy was much more aware of matters of heart and so she studied me carefully. "Beth, just focus on the performance for now. I'm quite sure it will be sorted out. I've heard from Fred that..." whatever she wanted to say, Amy was interrupted by Meg calling her to get ready as Sugar Plum Fairy. And Laurie would be the prince, of course. I sighed. Just being Clara, with the main part of acting and dancing in Act 1, then in the second act, I could relax during the sweet dances. Well, they would look rather like Line Dance than classic ballet; and the pas de deux would be closer to a fantasy dance. When I was looking through the curtain, I gasped. The audience was full, full from people, families, some I knew from the school, from hospital, music school, but so many more! They were all coming to see me? To spend money to help ? But now it was time. Laurie would switch on the playback music (he would also partly play on the piano on stage. And it was fun! There were not always perfect steps, but the audience clapped and cheered. Soon the battle was won (literally and also as metapher), and it was time for the snow scene. I was waiting for the Nutcracker Prince (=Laurie) to fetch me on stage, while I was still acting to be the sad Clara, mourning her nutcracker. I heard the audience whispering and murmuring, suddenly clapping more and more. Laurie was making an impressive entrance, I thought. But then I hear: "Ready for you, my Clara." At once, I turn around and look into his blue-green eyes. Frank, in the Nutcracker uniform, is bowing. From backstage, I see Laurie and Amy smiling and nodding. It seemed like ...Frank had switched places with Laurie. I'm starring and blusing. Frank opens his arm, got on his knees, in the ballet gesture to invite me to him. "You know, I'm just wood", he whispers, pointing on the location of his injury. My heart started beating faster. Tchaikovsky's music from the Pinewood scene filled my body and my heart. And then I realized that thus music was much more than only for dance. "You are more than that, my prince." I replied, completing the quoted dialogue. Then I rushed to him and kissed him directly. I felt his surprise, but he pulled me closer to him, and with closed eyes, I expressed my gratitute, but more important, my love in this kiss. In the audience, there were some "awwwwws", a bit "ewwwww", and I heard Jo narrating the scene, but it didn't matter. Together with Frank and Tchaikovsky's beautiful music, I felt blissfully happy. It was more perfect than I could ever expect it. I did wear ordinary pajamas and there were running no professional ballet dancers, but only little girls as snowflakes on stage, but I didn't want it on a different way. There were familiar faces everywhere. It felt like my heart was healing (even if not growing in size, as I was no Grinch). The snowflakes laughed and winked, not always in line, but this didn't matter. At last, I had got my Nutcracker. I could touch his hand and together I was so happy. Merry Christmas!