Oh be our rest, our hopeful start.
Turn your head to my beating heart.
Sleep little baby, clean as a nut,
Your fingers uncurl and your eyes are shut.

From Lullaby, from Collected Poems by John Fuller

You know, I should walk away, really. All the books that your surrogate aunts got for me, that I basically devoured while you grew in me day after day once I knew that I really would be going this alone, they all say it. That if you're crying and crying for no reason that I can see and I'm at the end of my tether then I should put you down, walk away before I snap. And I see the sense in that. Gods know that I know what it means to snap, and at things much smaller. But that's different really. The things that made me snap were unkindnesses, things inflicted with deliberation and care. I know that this isn't your fault, Akira, that you're not doing this to me. I suppose that's something in common that we have, that you can only communicate with your bawling, while once upon a time the only way I could communicate with anyone who wasn't the five of your surrogate aunts that I grew up with was to fight. To hurt them before they could hurt me. I've been trying hard not to be that person, Akira. Especially not to you.

Of all the people in this world I know, you're the person I want to hurt the least.

But oh, I am going to have to put you down, at the least. I've checked everything-you've been fed and burped, you've been cleaned and changed. The room is exactly as it should be, a baby's paradise, according to Ruby. She's one of your aunts, though not one of the five. She's done a lot for me and the five, and for you too. When I was carrying you and your father kicked us out because he didn't believe that it was a mistake, creating you, when he said all sorts of horrible things about you and about me-she helped. Everyone helped, but she moved me back in with her. I've been here since, but I am hoping that in time, when you're a little older, I can get myself back on my feet and we can have a place of our own. It'll be different, mind you, without Ruby and Aerin and Ani here in this place with us, without Yuu and Michii in the apartment above us and them and Sainty and Niwa coming to visit all the time. Ah, maybe that's why? It must be the first time in your few weeks on this earth that it really has just been you and me here, huh? Even the hospital was bustling and busy, wasn't it?

Maybe, maybe that's it. Oh, I don't know! What am I supposed to do? Alright, alright, sshh now. Sorry. I'm going to put you down, and then open the window, and then I'm going to come back and sit right by you. There, there we go. Ahh, that's a bit breezy, maybe not that right open, huh. Shhh, shh, it's alright, I'm right here, I'm coming back, right here. There we are. See, Akira, I'm right here. I'll always be here. I mean, probably once you're older and I'm used to you being here, I won't be spending every waking second by your side or hovering nearby when your aunts are around. But at the moment, I'm scared, too. It feels like I've been thrust in a new world right from the moment I knew you were growing in me, but it feels like it's suddenly become so much starker now that you're out here in the world. These last nine months…in all honesty, I barely remember it. None of it was easy, and much of it was painful in all sorts of ways. Your father…you'll have a right, to know about him, given you're our blood child and all. As you grow, I will tell you things like his name, how much you look like him versus how much you like me-believe me, at the moment you don't look much like anybody, though I admit your hair is the same colour as mine. I'll tell you these things, in time. But let me tell you this now-I trusted him, and that was a hard thing to do.

Most of my life, before Kawaakari-and that, that's something I'll tell you when you're older, too. But for now, before Kawaakari, there were only five people I could trust. The rest of the world was out to hurt us, it hated us for what we were, and all we had was each other and then…and then Kawaakari changed things and suddenly, for the first time, we had others we could count on. Ruby, Aerin, Ani. Your aunt Niwa made a special friend and Sasi…she had someone, too, for a time. He left her too, but not in the way your dad left me. No, that was altogether a more tragic leaving. But even so, the point is, even with the world opening up for us, it took me a while to be able to trust and when I met your father I thought that maybe, maybe it was my turn now. I didn't really believe in romance, despite seeing it work out in front of my eyes against all odds, before the tragedy. But meeting him, I thought that maybe it'd work. And how wrong I was.

It'd be easy to blame you for that, too, but I cannot and will not. It's not your fault you were born, any more than it was our fault that we were born, as your aunt Sasi's lost love said about us. No, that was on me and on your father, we should have been more careful but I trusted him. And although I couldn't imagine myself as a mother, and I was horrified when I realised that you were growing in me, I still thought it would turn out alright. You were made now, that couldn't be undone. They say, you know, that in a way the un-making of a life is worse than straightforwardly killing someone. Even if you were to kill in the worst way possible, it would still not be as bad as an un-making. But still…I thought…I thought…

I thought wrong, let's leave it at that.

But hey, Akira, here's the thing. The one thing that I do remember is that, even in this blur there is one thing I remembered. As each month passed, and I felt you grow a little more, the horror changed into something else. I could have given you away, you could have had a different name and a different life with two parents who wanted you from the outset but somehow I knew that it wasn't an option, to give you away. Despite not wanting you, now that you were there…I felt you growing inside of me and something seemed to click. I knew I had to keep you safe, and I did. I kept you safe, I protected you with all I had, the impulse to do so somewhere deep in my blood that I still don't have the words to explain.

And when you were placed into my arms I looked at you and the first thing I wondered was this-if my own blood mother had looked at me in this moment, she wouldn't have been able to give me away. Surely, she wouldn't have been able to. Then again, I've heard that when mirror sisters are born one of them is whisked away straight away, so neither parent will see them let alone get to hold them. I suppose it would be harder to separate them, if they had the chance to be loved right from the beginning, right? And that was what it was, from the moment you were placed into my arms and I was tired out of my mind, it took all my energy to sit up and not drop you but you were there. You were there, warm and solid and yet so fragile and you were mine. It was a moment of folly, of mistake, but I made you. I made you, and you were perfect. You're still perfect. Perfect, and the love…

Yes, yes, Akira. I love you. I didn't think I would, not just because of how you were made, but because my whole life I never imagined that this would be for me. People like me, thought of as darkness when darkness was thought of as bad, we're not supposed to be this lucky. But yet, here I am, with you and I love you. I still have no idea what I'm doing, especially not on my own like this. I am sure that I am going to fail you in all sorts of ways, I am. But you're not going to have a life like mine was. Your life will be better. Brighter, for one thing-that is, after all, why your name is Akira. The night you were born, I kept tracing the character on your stomach, as if it was a rune. A charm, to grant you a brighter life. Like this, see-明.Does it tickle, Akira? Look, look, up and down the strokes go. That's your name. It's a word that means something, but now it's your name it means more than that.

The shape of your name, it's a promise now, you see. I'm going to make so many mistakes, Akira. I'm sure you'll notice this. So many mistakes. But I'm learning, you know. I am learning everything I can to be the best mother I can. Even if creating you was a mistake, you, as the actual living breathing child you are, there's nothing wrong about you and so I vow with every last thing I have to do right by you. You won't go hungry or cold, you will have toys and fun and whatever you want to become I'll do my best to help you become it. This world will be a safe place for you, I'll never hurt you but I will hurt anything that would dare to try. You'll approach this world from a position of trust, as far as I can ensure it you will never be afraid. Your life will be bright. 明, 明, 明

Ah, there we go, was that a smile? Look at you, look at that smile. Your first smile, I'm sure. Once I tell, Aunt Ruby is especially going to want to get you to smile again, to take a photograph. Oh, look at you, my perfect, beautiful boy. Shh, shh, there we go. Here's your bear, and your blanket. Sleep now, alright? Sleep now. I'll always be here. I promise, one way or another, I'll always be here.

And I'll always love you.