"I really don't know what 'I love you' means.
I think it means "Don't leave me here alone."
-From Adventures in the Dream Trade by Neil Gaiman
"Daddy, Papa, look! I've ated it all up!"
Hiraga looked to see Eira hold up her plate and grinning hugely as a large glop of sauce slid down the plate and landed on her tablemat with a little 'plop' that made her look down and giggle.
"Dad, she's made a mess!"
This came from Orson, giving his little sister the type of withering glance only an eleven-year-old was capable of. Eira was having none of this though as she loudly protested:
"It's not a mess! I'm feeding it!"
"Tablemats don't need food though, that's just silly." Orson sneered.
Eira's eyes widened and her lip wobbled, but before either Hiraga or Quiet could scold their eleven-year-old, their middle child Struan, ever the people-pleaser said:
"Eira's only little though, she didn't know. But she still gets ice-cream, right, Dad? She did finish up."
Eira's expression changed at this and she turned her attention back to Hiraga and innocently asked:
"Do I get ice-cream, Daddy?"
Hiraga couldn't help but laugh, ruffling her pale blond hair before adjusting her plastic tiara and saying:
"Of course you do. Lots and lots of it!"
"But first, let's take your plate to the sink and clean up, alright?"
Hiraga looked over Eira's head at Quiet, who caught his eye and smiled but didn't say anything. They both spoiled their youngest, after all. But tonight was a little different-Hiraga was making a point of spoiling not just Eira but all three of their children, and he knew that Quiet knew why.
"Hey, we get ice-cream too, right?"
This protest came from Orson, their eldest, glaring at them both from across the table, clearly still a little miffed. Adjusting his glasses, Struan watched them anxiously and only smiled when Quiet confirmed that yes, as they'd finished they could get ice-cream once they'd taken their plates and cutlery to the sink.
The three kids eagerly did so, laughing and giggling as they piled everything up haphazardly by the sink before rushing to get bowls and spoons and gathering in front of the freezer to get their ice-cream. Hiraga watched them a moment, but was reasonably sure that Orson, pleased by acquiring a treat, probably would be more inclined to help rather than needle his younger siblings. So he left them to it, leaning against the counter and watching Quiet as he began the washing up.
"I can hear what you're feeling." Quiet murmured.
"Oh, can you?"
He reached Quiet and put his arms around his waist, leaning in and making a point of thinking very particular things. Not about the fact that tomorrow, Quiet would be gone for two whole weeks as he accompanied Howl up into Kouki-san, but other things.
"Hira," Quiet murmured, a smile in his voice. "Don't be lewd in front of the children."
"What's lewd mean?"
Struan's question made Hiraga squawk and jump away, whatever teasing words he'd been about to say completely forgotten as he stared at his seven-year-old, who just stared back innocently with a bowl of ice-cream in his hands. Orson was also watching, looking sceptical, while Eira stood on her footstool and sprinkled chocolate drops all over her ice-cream while humming tunelessly, apparently completely oblivious. Quiet put down whatever soapy item he'd been scrubbing and turned around, looking just as embarrassed.
"Well, that's…"
"It means naughty, doesn't it? But, like, grown-up naughty. Right?"
Orson's look was unbearably smug, and all Hiraga could do was splutter and say:
"You're eleven. Go eat your ice-cream!"
Orson just grinned, clearly knowing that he was on to something. He sauntered off, and Struan followed. Eira was still sprinkling chocolate over hers, but once Struan had gone she suddenly turned around, realised that they were gone and jumped off the stepstool and rushed after them.
"Wait for me!" she called out.
A few moments later, she had joined her brothers on the sofa, and after some tussling they seemed to be settled in front of the TV. Hiraga sighed and went to clear up the mess of sprinkles that the kids had left, and then remembered the tomato stain on the table-mat. By the time he'd sorted everything out, the washing had been finished and Quiet was standing there waiting.
"You're not alright with me going tomorrow." He said, simply.
There wasn't any point protesting, not really. It was not as if he'd needed to say anything. This was the why, after all, the why he was being more indulgent and why he'd put more effort into the cleaning. It was hard enough, knowing that whatever he was feeling would be seen anyway, when he wanted to hide those emotions.
"You know I'm not. But I'm not stopping you."
"I know you're not."
"Then, why did you have to say it?!"
Aware that he'd raised his voice, he quickly looked over his shoulder to make sure the children hadn't heard before running a hand through his hair and then turning to look back at Quiet.
"I'm not…I'm not trying to put all the work on you to figure out what I'm thinking. But I always feel like this, you know that too, but it doesn't change anything."
Quiet opened his mouth to say something, but then there was a shriek from the living room. They both turned to the sound, and then looked at each other. Hiraga sighed exaggeratedly and shrugged his shoulders before heading to the living room. As Quiet followed, he tried to tamp down on his relief that the discussion had been halted, but he knew there was no point.
There never was.
…
Eventually, after sorting out the kids' argument, they cleared away the ice-cream things and managed to get them ready for bed. Their usual system when both of them were home for the night was for one of them to help Eira get ready for bed, while the other loosely supervised the boys. Then, once they were all tucked up, they'd swap places to say goodnight. Today, Hiraga was looking after Eira while Quiet stayed with the boys and from the argument he heard Orson having about how he was 'too old to have a bed-time', quite frankly he was relieved. Even Eira trying to put off bed-time by asking for 'just one more story' was easier than that.
"Alright, no more now, okay?" he said after finishing the book. "Papa's gonna come and say goodnight and goodbye, and then you're going to go to sleep. Let's get your tiara off then."
As he reached for the tiara, Eira glared and put both her hands up to shield it.
"NO! My tiara!"
"Yes, I know, yours. But you need to take it off to go to sleep. You won't be able to sleep comfortably otherwise."
"Nooooo, it's my tiara, Daddy! Mine!"
Hiraga sighed. Okay, I take it back about this being easier.
"Look, even Daddy doesn't wear his crown in bed. I'm wearing it now, but when it's my bedtime I'll take it off."
"It's my tiara though, it's pretty!"
Eira pouted at him, and Hiraga rubbed his face. He didn't have the heart to simply order her to take it off, and not just because he was soft with her anyway.
"Look, your tiara needs to go to bed, too. It's probably sleepy after you've been wearing it all day. Why don't we let it sleep here, under the lamp?"
"With Tiny Ted!" Eira said immediately.
Beaming now, she picked up what was indeed a very tiny neon-blue teddy bear from amongst the large number of plushies and plonked it on her bedside table. She then took off her tiara and carefully placed it next to the bear before suddenly she gasped. Wide-eyed, she turned to him with a look of horror that was so earnest it was comical as she declared:
"We need to tuck them in!"
Luckily, she had a tissue box so Hiraga pulled a tissue out and this seemed to be enough to appease the little girl as once the tiara and teddy bear had been 'tucked in' she consented to being tucked in herself.
"Alright, I'll go and get Papa now, okay. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Daddy!"
Thank goodness that worked, he thought as he headed down the corridor to Orson and Struan's bedroom. Orson was now listening to an audiobook while Quiet had been reading to Struan. Looking up, Quiet smiled softly and then said:
"How about we leave it there, Struan?"
"Mmmm, okay," Struan said. "But couldn't we read just a little more? Because you won't get to know what happens for two whole weeks."
"I know, but that means I'll be looking forward to it for all that time, won't I?"
Struan hesitated for a moment and then nodded before burrowing into Quiet's side. Quiet stroked his hair for a moment, pensive.
"Come on now," he said. "I gotta go say goodnight to Eira."
"Okay. Goodnight, Papa."
Struan let go reluctantly, and Quiet squeezed his shoulder before looking over at Orson.
"Goodnight, Orson." He said, loud enough to be heard over the audiobook.
Orson's mouth twitched, but he turned his body slightly away from them all. Quiet just shook his head and then, after murmuring another goodnight to Struan left the room to go and see Eira. Because Struan's book was one he'd started with Quiet this time, and the boy was very particular about how he shared his books, instead Hiraga looked through some of the drawings that Struan did sometimes before bed instead before tucking him in and going over to Orson.
"Hey, Orson. Orson."
Reluctantly, Orson pulled off his headphones and stared at him.
"What?"
"Are you okay? Are you worried about Papa going tomorrow?"
Orson bit his lip for a moment and started to nod before realising what he was doing and shaking his head rapidly, mouth twisting.
"No, of course not. I'm eleven, I'm not a baby! Papa's always fine, after all."
But even as he said that, he pushed away his covers and his tablet to shuffle over to Hiraga and hug him briefly. Hiraga hugged him back, but not for too long as he knew Orson wouldn't want to feel too 'babied'. When he let go, Orson picked up his tablet and headphones and asked:
"How much longer?"
Hiraga checked the time and then glanced over at Struan's bed.
"Five more minutes, but no more, I think Struan's already asleep. "
Orson also looked over and nodded seriously at that.
"Okay, I understand."
"Good. Alright then, goodnight."
Orson had already started his audiobook and didn't respond, so Hiraga just left them to it, turning off the room's overhead light before carefully closing the door and heading to the bathroom.
…
In their own bedroom, Quiet was sitting at the desk looking at the map. Hiraga made to just climb into bed and try and sleep but something stopped him. He thought of the conversation that they had in the kitchen- or rather, the non-conversation. How what he should have said that it didn't matter that he didn't want Quiet to go and not just because it wouldn't change things, but because he loved him and didn't want him to have to feel pressured by his own misgivings. He loved him, and that meant that what was important to Quiet was important to him too and this was important, these trips were always important. Hiraga loved Quiet, after all these years of building a life, there was no question of that. But the love was also exactly why he didn't want him to go, never wanted him to go.
He loved him, and that was exactly why he didn't want to talk about this.
But even though he wanted to keep his fears all to himself, around someone like Quiet that wasn't truly possible. Even if he couldn't always interpret it, he'd pick up on even the tiniest bit, which was why he had to focus on other things. Such as conveying the I love you, I love you, I love you as much as he possibly could so that would be the main thing Quiet would sense and feel instead. Perhaps that was the type of thing that needed to be said, too, but there were plenty of ways to say things without using the words.
So rather than lie down, he got out of bed instead and wandered to the desk, leaning against it.
"Is that the map?"
Quiet looked up and tilted his head cautiously before nodding slowly. Hiraga looked at the map and realised that Quiet actually had two versions-an older one, and one with more detail onto which he was copying some highlighted routes.
"Where are you both looking this time, then?"
Once again, Quiet gave him a look.
"I want to know." Hiraga said quietly.
After a moment's consideration, Quiet pointed to a route that had already been highlighted, using his pen to follow it from the base of the mountain to further up.
"The pink one is the last route Howl managed to map, but we're going to head that way and try and end up at the other side of the volcano, rather than getting around it. You can see from the different purples and the green one he's tried a few times. Actually, the lightest purple is from the last time I was with him."
"You seemed to get pretty close last time."
"Yeah. We even saw what might have been the shrine last time, but then the fog came down stronger and we had to turn back."
Hiraga remembered that time. Quiet and Howl had still managed to come back well within the time they'd allocated for the journey but by all accounts it had been a close call. It was Kouki-san, after all, no matter how well the two of them had managed to map the mysterious terrain over the years.
"This is a really detailed map, though. It's quite impressive."
Quiet didn't initially respond as he dotted the planned route with pencil, but once he'd put the pencil down and started rolling the map up he said:
"It is, yeah. He's been selling them, you know, for the people who go there to get the dragon's blood and things."
"Oh?"
"It was their idea, you know? Angela and the rest of them."
"Really? I never heard them talk about it."
Quiet shrugged at that and with the map rolled up, went and crouched down by the large backpack to tuck the map in before opening it to check that he had everything. After a few moments of watching him, Quiet said.
"The extra money's useful for him, but I'm sure you know as well as I do that's not really the point of any of this. If we were able to find her…"
"Do you think that you will? Even after all these years?"
"You don't think so."
Quiet looked up to him, brow drawn and something of an accusation in his eyes. Hiraga winced, because he didn't think so, if only because he understood Ariadne's disappearance to have been a final, irrevocable thing. After all, she'd essentially voluntarily sacrificed herself in exchange for the freedom of the six she'd gone to find, and Oura did not seem a particularly merciful kind of deity. He couldn't say it was pointless, though, not as such. If there had ever been any uncertainty around the fates of any of his friends, if Will and Mica and Wren and Kureha had disappeared instead of died, who was to say that he wouldn't have clung to any little thing that gave him hope? He'd have emptied out the sky, turned over every stone, torn down the edges of the world looking for them if that had been the case. If Quiet and Howl disappeared on this journey, he'd do the same to bring them home.
But that was the thing, that was the problem. He didn't want to have to do that.
Because I love you, I love you, I love you. But just as he was conveying that through asking about the trip, listening to the details even though they just made the fear scream louder he decided to convey the feeling now by going to crouch down in front of Quiet. He put his hands either side of his face, making Quiet look at him.
"Come to bed," he said, leaning his forehead against his. "Come and rest, alright?"
Quiet looked as if he wanted to say something more, but studied Hiraga for a long moment before sighing and briefly leaning in to kiss him.
"I'm almost done anyway."
"Mhm."
Hiraga leant back, stood up and climbed into bed, staring at the ceiling until he heard Quiet's bag get buttoned up again and felt the other side of the bed sink with his weight. It was at that point that Hiraga turned over and reached out. Because that was another way of conveying the I love you without words: making sure that for the rest of the night there wasn't a single inch of space between them.
…
In the morning Hiraga had more ways to convey the wordless I love you, I love you, I love you. Getting up earlier to make Quiet's breakfast, and food for him and Howl to supplement the pre-prepared things they no doubt already had. Remembering that his hiking boots were still buried deep in their airing cupboard and going to dig them out and leave them by the door. Being there, just being there.
He decided to leave the washing up for later, when the kids' breakfast things would also be there, and this turned out to be a good thing for it was about this time that Quiet got the call to say that Howl was on the way. Hiraga went to open the door while Quiet got himself together.
"Morning. It looks like a good day to set off." Hiraga said.
"It is, yes." Howl said.
Hiraga was well used to keeping up a conversation, as there were many of those in the core group who either had never been talkative in the first place or who had simply withdrawn in the years after Kawaakari. But this time he found that even he didn't know what to say and just ended up standing there shuffling awkwardly until he heard a motion on the stairs and looked up to see that Orson was standing there, bundled up in his dressing gown with the bear ears on the hood.
"Orson, go back to be-"
"It's okay."
Quiet came back out from the living room and Orson carefully padded down the stairs and right up to him.
"You alright?" Quiet asked him.
Orson shrugged.
"I wanted to come with you."
"I know you did," Quiet said, giving Orson a one-armed hug. "But I need you back here, to look after Dad and your siblings."
Orson nodded at this, mouth still in a serious line.
"Because I'm eleven, right?"
"Exactly. We'll bring something back for you though."
Orson's eyes sparkled at this, no doubt already imagining what shiny rock or other object he might be able to add to his small collection. But then the sparkle dimmed and he looked over at Howl.
"Uncle Howl, will you look after Papa?"
It was one of those moments where Hiraga imagined that he was seeing something akin to what Quiet sensed every day. The air in the landing seemed to become thicker, and the look on Howl's face…he didn't know what precisely it was, but it was exactly the expression he'd had when he'd come down from the mountains without Ariadne all those years ago, when all he'd been able to say was 'ask them' before retreating into a silence that'd lasted almost a year. Something glittery and slippery, threatening to shatter under deeper examination. But then Howl took a deep breath and reached over to ruffle Orson's hair, making an effort to smile though he did not say anything. Orson frowned up at him, but thankfully seemed to sense that now was not the time to needle the adults and simply snuggled into Quiet's side for a couple more moments before moving away to stand next to Hiraga. The air returned to normal, and Hiraga had to fight the urge to not flop over in relief as the last farewells were made.
He and Orson stood in the doorway for the longest time, even once the both of them were gone. The sun was slowly climbing higher in the sky, signalling the start of a clear new day even though it felt anything but that.
But I'll get through it. I'll get through it, because I have to.
He allowed himself a small exhalation of breath, and then looked down at his eldest son.
"Hey, how about we get Struan and Eira up now, yeah?"
Orson looked up and narrowed his eyes at him before reluctantly nodding and closing the door.
…
The two weeks passed well enough, in their own way. When he was working days, he was able to pick Eira up from nursery himself and then go and meet Struan and Orson at the park and then take them home for the evening. During the second week, as arranged, Quiet's younger sister Lotus came down to stay and was able to therefore look after the kids when he worked evenings and nights. But since she was also down there to see friends of her own, the rest of his Room 777 friends helped plug the childcare gaps depending on their own work patterns.
Indeed, as they always had on the other trips Quiet had had, they plugged in the other gaps too. Not just from the things they went out of their way to do, such as visiting him to keep him company but from the everyday rhythms of being with them and working with them. The kids themselves were, well, reassuringly themselves. Orson's insistence on how being eleven apparently meant he was all grown up made him both infuriating and helpful in equal measures, while Eira continued to constantly try to negotiate wearing her tiara at all hours of the day and indeed managed to get Hiraga to buy an entire dollhouse just to house the tiara at night (it was an extremely tiny dollhouse, but even so). As for Struan, as long as he had an endless stream of colouring books, sketchpads and things to read then he was perfectly happy to plod along, his calmness balancing out his siblings' loudness, but it was because of that Hiraga made a particular point of spending time with him in those weeks.
It also helped that one of his day-time shifts at the weekend included one of Room 777's semi-regular tasting sessions and the children all had a great time eating far too many sweet treats and getting to see their opinions taken down in note form, after which Hiraga and Lidia took all the children down to Jun and Robyn's so they could play with the twins. Either way there was plenty of distraction, enough to prevent him from wallowing in his own worries and letting Quiet down in that way.
Nonetheless, Hiraga couldn't help but mentally cross off each day that went by, and as they got closer and closer to the date Quiet was due back he found himself wound up all tight and tangled, unsure whether to be joyous or anxious, knowing that he couldn't truly be relieved until he saw Quiet with his own eyes.
The children had had no such compunctions though, because the night before Quiet was supposed to be back, Hiraga got back from a late shift to see glitter, card and other craft materials all over his living room. Lotus had long since gone back home, so it was sixteen-year-old Zoe who was still in the middle of clearing up this chaos.
"Oh, hi, Uncle Hira!" she exclaimed. "I'm so sorry, they wanted to make 'welcome back' pictures for Uncle Quiet. They're drying on the coffee table."
Hiraga could see that. In fact, he could barely see the coffee table's surface anymore, what with the number of messy and elaborate creations the children had put together. The sight of them was enough to make him smile, and he knew that Quiet would love them too.
"It's alright. I'm sorry you had to stay here so late tonight."
Zoe shook her head.
"It's fine, I like being around the tiny ones, and it isn't a school night anyway."
"That's true, but still. Here, you go on home and I'll take over from here. Don't worry about the glitter, it won't come out for weeks anyway…."
Zoe pulled a face, but then seemed to remember something.
"Oh, yeah, I made a bedtime tiara for Eira!"
She pointed at the TV table, where there was another glittery item was waiting to dry. Thankfully, the glitter was not the infernal type that never got out of anywhere, but just rhinestones that had been affixed onto what looked like an oddly-shaped circle of bright purple felt.
"A bedtime tiara?" he asked.
"It's softer, so she can wear it in bed. Not tonight, since it's drying…"
Zoe blushed slightly and shrugged, before continuing:
"But yeah, I made that for her. Oh, also, Mum and Dad gave me some leftovers of ours for you, I've put them in your fridge."
Hiraga chuckled.
"That's brilliant, thanks. Anyway, like I said, go home!"
He went to let Zoe out, waiting until she had turned around the corner at the end of the road before he closed the door and sighed and headed back to the tidying. Once the room was as neat as he could make it, he washed his hands and looked in the fridge to see what looked like the leftovers of a roast dinner in a box that looked a lot like the ones Delilah used to bring her dinner into work. He took the box out, tipped the contents onto a plate and microwaved them. While the food was warming, he popped upstairs to see how the kids were. Seeing that they were all peacefully asleep, he then went back down to get his food and take it over to the living room.
But rather than find something to watch, while he ate he simply stared at the pictures that were strewn all over the coffee table, imagining what Quiet would say when he saw them.
If he saw them.
…
The day came.
"Daddy, today's the day, isn't it?" Struan exclaimed pretty much the moment he woke up. "Papa's coming home!"
"Yes, that's right. Today is the day that he's supposed to come home."
"Can I go and wait for him?"
"Yes, can we, Dad?" Orson asked. "I want to see the moment that he comes back."
Without even waiting for an answer Orson left the room and began to head down the stairs, Struan following faithfully. A few moments later Eira woke up of her own accord, and even before Struan and Orson eagerly reminded her that Quiet was coming home she was already rushing to keep up with them. Hiraga chased them down the stairs but didn't have the heart to scold them even a little bit, so instead turned it into a game, picking Eira up and rushing up the stairs pretending she was a bird to make her giggle, then doing the same to Struan. Orson, of course, turned his nose up at such silliness ("I am eleven, you know!") but still collapsed into giggles and allowed himself to get chased into the bathroom. Eventually though, all three were washed and changed and even managed to have some breakfast.
"Do you know what time, Daddy?" Struan asked as they cleared up.
"I don't know, not exactly." Hiraga confessed. "But it should be today."
"It might not be today though, sometimes it takes time to get down the mountain so it might be tomorrow." Orson piped up. "That's what Papa says, because it's a tricky mountain."
"So Papa won't get to see our pictures?" Eira asked, lip wobbling.
"He will!" Orson insisted. "But he might be a little late, sometimes. Right?"
Orson looked to Hiraga for reassurance, and Hiraga wondered if they'd done their children a disservice by softening the story of the mountain. Quiet had always come back, whether on the estimated day or a few days later, but he'd always come back with no problem. Always. There was no reason to immediately assume this time would be different. Nonetheless, this was still Kouki-san, and no matter how detailed the maps Howl plotted out were, the Ancient Magics that swirled around it were still as they had always been. What if this was one of the times that would prove to be the exception? It was something Hiraga himself always wondered and always feared, but neither of them had wanted the children (once they'd decided they'd have children) to feel the fears they did.
And there's no reason to believe that this is the time where they will feel it. None at all. He will be fine. He has to be fine.
So he smiled and said.
"Yes, he might be a little late, but he'll definitely, definitely come back and he'll love to look at all your pictures."
This seemed to reassure all three of the children, and they managed to get through most of the day relatively uneventfully, spending a little time in the nearby park and meeting up with Jenna and her three children there by chance before then returning home so that Orson and Struan could finish their homework. When bedtime approached, however, none of them wanted to sleep.
"Can't we stay here and wait for Papa?" Struan asked.
"I wanna wait for Papa!" Eira declared. "I want to give him a bedtime hug because I haven't had one for this long!"
As if to demonstrate, she stretched out her arms out wide.
"We'll go straight to bed once he has come," Orson said. "Promise!"
"Yes, Daddy, we promise!"
All three of them looked up at him with huge eyes. Well, I suppose I could do with the company….
"Alright, but brush and change first, alright?"
The children agreed, Eira in particular looking pleased that she'd get to show off her 'bedtime tiara', and were ready for bed faster than they'd ever done before. Which would have been amazing if they had been actually going to bed, except of course they weren't. Hiraga then shepherded them back to the living room where they huddled up on the sofa together with a children's movie playing quietly in the background while they all waited either for Hiraga's phone to ring or the sound of the key in the lock.
But neither of those sounds came.
The movie finished, and the children began to get sleepy. More than once, Hiraga tried to move them but they protested heavily. Gradually though, as more time stretched on without either of the sounds they'd been waiting for, each of the children succumbed to sleep, and Hiraga carried them back upstairs before returning to the sofa and waiting for as long as he could before he, too, fell asleep.
…
When he woke up on the sofa, he knew that Quiet hadn't returned. Not just because he was still on the sofa, but because he'd slept sitting up and now he had an uncomfortable crick in his neck. When he went upstairs to get the children ready for school and for nursery, they were cranky and restless, and Orson in particular was insistent that he didn't go to school so he could wait for Quiet, which in turn set off Struan and Eira. Not even pointing out that sometimes it took a few days extra for him to return did anything to really reassure them, and it wasn't as if he could blame them for it-he, who was used to this, wasn't quite able to believe it this time either. Still, it felt like it took a miracle and a half to eventually send the boys off to school and calm Eira down enough that they could actually walk over to nursery. There were a few tears at the nursery gate, but apart from that he was able to see her off without too much upset and he allowed himself to feel a little relieved as he continued on to head to work.
"Yo," he called out as he came through the staff entrance. "What's up?"
He peered around the door of the office, where Tate was sitting at his usual computer and waited for the few seconds it would take for Tate to notice. Sure enough, it did indeed take a few seconds but when Tate did look up he must have seen through Hiraga's attempt at his usual silliness because he asked immediately.
"Quiet's not back yet?"
Hiraga sighed and shook his head, making Tate frown.
"He's not?"
Hiraga turned at the question to see Starri and Mist behind him, and stepped further into the office to let them through. Mist went straight to her desk, but Starri pretty much fluttered over to Hiraga and fussed over him, making him take off his coat and sit down before getting him a slice of cake.
"It's too soon to be worried," he insisted. "I should know this by now. It's too soon."
"No, it's not." Starri said, simply as she sat opposite him.
"I…"
Hiraga stabbed at the cake with the cake fork before shovelling some into his mouth. He couldn't even taste the flavours, but he saw that Starri was watching him and did his best to smile. She clearly wasn't buying it, however, as she got up and went over to hug him briefly. He returned the hug, and then when she went to sit down he finished the rest of the cake.
When Starri took the plate from him, she asked:
"I know cake won't make everything better, but it helps anyway so…do you want more?"
"Nah," Hiraga said, managing to smile a little more at this. "Can't spend my entire shift gorging myself. There's a delivery today, right?"
"Mhm."
And with that, he got himself started with the work day and just as it had in the actual two weeks, it was mostly enough to distract him from the mounting dread. Starri and Tate spread the message that Quiet hadn't come back, which saved him from being asked about it over and over. Nonetheless, it felt as if every few seconds he was checking his phone, and when he went to collect the children and went home he found himself hoping that maybe Quiet would be there, taking off his boots. Or perhaps he would have been there the whole morning, resting, having been too tired to phone and when he heard the door he'd come down and apologise and that would be that.
But of course, the house was still empty.
…
The next day went much the same as the day before, and the next day after that too, but on the fourth day the children were even more out of sorts as they'd tried to stay up again, and whenever they'd fallen asleep they'd wake up the moment he tried to put them back in bed. In the end, he decided to let them have the day off of school and nursery. As he was working during bar opening that night, most of the day was spent waiting and watching and hoping. They didn't want to leave when it was time for him to take them to stay with Jun and Robyn, something which had been planned for a long time anyway, but eventually Struan was mollified by the reminder that this'd mean he'd get to see Kerenza, while the other two were eventually persuaded to believe that he would tell them the moment he heard from Quiet.
Since the museum was open when they arrived, and they were a little early, they headed down through that way in search of either Jun or Robyn, only to find Kerenza and Cariad playing with a couple of other children, close to the World Trees. Kerenza spotted them immediately, but her sights were only set on Struan as she rushed towards him and nearly knocked him off his feet.
"I missed you!" she declared to Struan. "I was sad for the whole day when you didn't come! Is your Papa not back yet?"
"No, he's not, and he's been gone for ages."
Kerenza immediately let go, her little forehead puckering as she looked at Struan.
"Oh. That's not good. Do you want another hug?"
Struan nodded at this, only to be almost knocked over again. Despite himself, Hiraga chuckled and when Kerenza let go he asked her:
"Where're your parents?"
"Mum's in the cottage but Dad's working near to Ariadne's lantern tree, if you want to look for him. Right, Cari?"
Cari, hanging from Professor Yanovi's tree, glanced over and yelled:
"Yeah, he is! You guys, come play."
"Kaguya-san's here," Kerenza added earnestly. "He might tell us stories."
Hiraga nodded at that, and indicated to the children that they could go. Struan needed no persuasion to go off with Kerenza, the two of them holding hands as they rushed over. Orson followed along at a pace which clearly showed he was trying to act 'grown-up'. Eira clung to Hiraga's trouser leg a little longer, but was eventually persuaded to let go by the promise of being able to hang out with older children. He waited a couple of moments until he spotted the shadowy figure of Kaguya-san before turning and heading towards the lantern tree which served as a memorial to Ariadne.
The one which stood in front of Kouki-san.
There was a strong breeze when he found it, making the ribbons that had been tied to the tree whip around frantically. Hiraga glanced at it briefly, but then walked past it. The mountain loomed just ahead of him, but they seemed blurry. He blinked a couple of times, then took his glasses off and wiped them against his jacket before he could understand why.
There was fog across the peaks of the mountain, wrapping around and around as though it was a scarf. He could only see the bottom, where the ground started to rise, but apart from that it was all wrapped in wispy white and grey, deceptively soft-looking as they moved around and around with the wind. Yet despite the ever-increasing howling, the fogs did not dissipate. Hiraga felt himself grow cold, right down to his bones but despite that he stepped forward. One step, then another, and another.
Gradually, he broke into a run, feeling little bits of stone and dirt get into the bottom of his shoes as the ground changed beneath his feet and the temperature dipped, trying to get closer to the mountain. He strained his eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of anything, anything at all in the thickness of the fog as he reached the base of the mountain and strained his still-aching neck to look as far up as he could. He was vaguely aware of other noises around him, mixing in with the wind, but he tried to ignore them as he looked for any sign of Quiet. The ponytail he'd done his hair in since their teenage days, the blue jacket he'd been wearing on the day he'd left, the shape of his backpack, the shape of him. Anything, anything at all. He knew he couldn't climb up there, not like this, but he couldn't stop himself from going closer, actually setting foot on the base of the mountain until he heard someone yell his name really loudly, cutting through the whistling and the howling.
Turning around, he saw Jun standing some distance away. When he saw that Hiraga had noticed him, he gestured insistently. Hiraga looked at the mountain again before slowly trudging back to where Jun was staring at him, looking a little wild.
"Were you just going to…take off up there by yourself?"
"I didn't say that I loved him."
Jun blinked at him, and Hiraga realised he hadn't actually answered the question. Nonetheless, Jun answered as if this was indeed a logical continuation of the conversation and Hiraga didn't know how to feel about that:
"It's not always about the words, you know. I'm sure he'd know it, anyway."
"Yes, but you of all people should know, shouldn't you? That sometimes things just need to be said. And I didn't, I didn't say it and now…"
His glasses were steaming up again and he had to wipe them before continuing:
"Oh, I'm being silly, I know but…"
Even this, he couldn't finish saying. The words felt stuck in his throat and he cleared it loudly, taking a deep breath and trying to ground himself.
"It's alright," Jun murmured. "I understand."
Hiraga swallowed, not wanting to cry. He stared back up at Kouki-san for a moment and then asked:
"Was it like that all this time?"
"I mean, when I finished up for the day here yesterday it wasn't like that at all, so it must only have happened during the night. It does, sometimes, but usually…"
"Usually they aren't up there when it does." Hiraga finished. "I know."
"Look," Jun said. "Do you want me to get Lidia for you? You're going to have to report it you know, an official Kouki-san disappearance. "
"Lidia's here?"
"Yeah, she's dropped Ria off to play with Kerenza and Cariad, and I think she's chatting with Robyn back in the house."
Hiraga wondered how it was he hadn't recognised Ria over by the World Trees. Then again, he supposed his mind had been on other things. Still was, really. The thought of having to go through the official channels, say the words I need to report my husband missing when he hadn't been able to say I love you, I love you, I love you to said husband. The official channels he still couldn't fully believe were real, but that he'd always memorised despite never having had to use them.
"Come," Jun coaxed, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I've got to go back to what I was doing, but I'll take you back to the cottage."
Hiraga allowed himself to be mutely led over, but as he did something occurred to him.
"Isn't that 'Lidia-sempai' to you?"
Jun rolled his eyes.
"School was a long time ago, Hira."
And even though the laughter felt hollow, it was good to laugh just for a little bit. Especially considering he didn't know when it was he'd laugh again.
…
Hiraga stared for a moment at his children's sleeping forms. He would have liked to have had his bed back, but there wasn't really any space for both him and all three of the children (and their assorted soft toys) on the bed. Or at least, that was the reason he gave himself for not trying to carry them back to their own beds. It had been just over a month since Quiet hadn't returned, and though at least the children slept at night they didn't do so in their own rooms. Orson had had nightmares, which had in turn woken up Struan and Eira, and his own bed was the only one that had enough space for all three to snuggle together, clinging to each other as though they were in a shipwreck. They still squabbled as they always did during the day, but at night they didn't want to let each other out of their sights. And how could he blame them for that? He wished that he'd been clingier himself, sometimes.
Perhaps if he'd been clingier, then they wouldn't have been in this situation.
But at the same time he knew it wouldn't have been worth it, it would not have been worth it to have been clingy and to say no, you can't go, I won't let you. That wouldn't have been true love, acting as if he was the only important thing. Yes, he could easily point to the children, the children who were now so distressed they clung together as if in a shipwreck while he tucked them in oh-so-carefully. But it would still have been about him, all about him. So even though he had wished it many times over this month, he knew that really he didn't. Not really.
Nonetheless, the exhaustion of it all pressed on his shoulders as he left his bedroom, leaving the door ajar so he could hear if they called out and then headed downstairs. He hadn't eaten yet tonight, because it had been a particularly tricky day. Going to his fridge, he stared inside it for a moment before remembering there were leftovers from the children's dinners cooling on the counters still. He scraped some together on a plate then sat down at the kitchen table and pushed a fork through it idly. Once or twice, he tried to bring a forkful to his mouth but then he dropped it again.
Ugh, pull yourself together, he scolded himself as he kept stirring up the food. You're not going to do anyone any good if you collapse of hunger. Yet, when he tried again, he heard a knock on the door. He frowned for a moment, then when he heard it again he got up and trudged over to the front door, grumbling to himself incoherently under his breath.
When he opened the door, however, all irritation fell away.
"Oh, good, you are awake. We texted and called a couple times but you didn't answer." Lucy said immediately. "Are you going to let us in?"
"Um…."
"Come on," Tate said gently, steering him away from the door. "To your kitchen."
"I, um, the kids are asleep…."
"Yeah, we know, sorry, we'll be quiet, I swear." Getsu promised.
And sure enough, Getsu, Tate, Lucy, Lily and Starri all traipsed into his house very, very quietly, dropping bags off in his living room before crowding into his kitchen.
"The children's dinner?" Tate asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah…?"
Tate simply picked the plate up and put it in the fridge, fork and all before going around his cupboards and pulling things out. Hiraga felt like he should protest, or say something, but even if he had the energy for it he wasn't sure what it was he should say. So he let Tate and the others more or less take over his kitchen and then presented him with a steaming bowl of ramen.
"I don't even remember shopping for half those ingredients." Hiraga tried to joke.
"And that is exactly why we're here," Lucy said. "It's one thing you subsisting on takeaways for a couple of weeks, but not for this long."
"The ki-"
"We're not worried about the children, we know we don't need to be. But you, on the other hand…" Getsu interrupted.
Hiraga pulled a face, and even though he knew how petulant it sounded aloud, he could not help but mutter:
"I prefer Quiet's cooking."
"We know that, you big sap, you," Lily said fondly. "But we're a close second, right?"
Hiraga blinked at them all, and Starri reached over the table to squeeze his hand. He squeezed back, and used his other hand to wipe away the tears that had started to form before they could fall.
"It's not fair." He murmured.
"No, it's not." Tate said, straightforwardly. "None of it is. Still, shouldn't we know better than anyone that letting ourselves waste away isn't the answer?"
"I'm not doing it deliberately."
Before he could get too irritated though, Starri cut in with her usual gentling manner:
"Of course you're not, but that's what we're all here for, right? To make sure that you don't do it at all. And if something like this happened for any of us then you'd be doing the same. But anyway, eat. You don't want it to get cold, do you?"
Hiraga had to acknowledge that he didn't want the ramen to get cold, and so he lifted up his chopsticks and slowly began to eat. Starri, Lily and Tate stayed with him, while Lucy and Getsu went off briefly and though he was pretty sure he knew what was going to happen next he still found himself completely and utterly gobsmacked to see his living room rearranged to accommodate a circle of sleeping bags.
"This is…you guys don't need to do this." He said.
"Sure we do." Lily replied, simply. "Even when things are fine you hate being alone, and this is decidedly not fine. This isn't that different to what we usually do."
"If you need a couple of us to come over on other days, we can do that, too," Lucy added. "We'll figure something out to make it work. But for now…well, this. Hopefully it will work a little better for you."
Hiraga sighed, running a hand through his hair. Once again, he had no idea what to say, even though he felt he should. But all he could do was simply go over to the sleeping bag in the middle and crawl into it, and then watch as the others got into their own sleeping bags all around him.
And then, he fell asleep.
…
More time passed. The wind became colder, the leaves began to change colour, and still Quiet didn't return. Hiraga's life started to fall into a new rhythm, kept afloat by his friends, but it was still a discordant one. He visited Riverlight every day to see the searches progress, made sure he knew exactly what was happening in the investigation so that he could explain it to the children (and especially to Orson, who could not be placated with simple, general reassurances).
On one particularly cold day when he was only working the night, and the children were safely in school and nursery, he headed down to Riverlight and straight to the Lantern Tree. He didn't see any of the search teams there, but he knew that they had been there earlier when the fog had dissipated just a little. In any case, that was not what he was here for, not this time. Rather, he turned his attention to the Lantern Tree and then set his bag down. Looking around to be sure that there wasn't anyone near, he the bottle that he'd pre-mixed with the appropriate potents the night before with Lidia's help, and murmuring a prayer he poured the libation on the ground, watching it seep right into the soil. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it, but he could see the trunk of the Lantern Tree take on a glow, as if it was absorbing the potents. He then found the ribbons that he'd hung the little jars filled with basil, cinnamon and sea-salt on and he carefully tied them to the branches. The ribbons that had already been tied there by visitors, he used to secure the flowers he'd bought along-dahlias, sunflowers, gerbera daisies and of course the red roses. Finally, he lit the lanterns that had not yet been lit before murmuring another prayer and then stepping back to watch the tree.
Is this bright enough, magic enough, to be seen? He wondered. Is it enough of anything?
The tree continued to glow, both from the light of the lanterns and the glow it had acquired when he'd poured the potents in the ground. The smell of the whisky and brandy wafted up with the breeze, along with the scent of the herbs and gold wax seals from the little jar-charms. The air itself seemed to thicken and he held his breath waiting as the feeling intensified, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up.
Slowly, he looked around at the rest of the gardens, but saw nothing out of place before then turning to stare back at Kouki-san. The fog was still there, still thick and swirling but the bottom of the cloud was starting to lighten, just a little, and that didn't mean anything because it had faded before only to return thicker than ever but…
Are you there, he asked, are you there, seeing me and my offerings? Is this enough to bring him back now? Please. Please let it be enough.
He sighed as he watched the fog over the mountains, until the air settled down to normal and his neck was no longer prickling. Then, he left.
…
The call came almost a week later, one evening while he was at work. When he ducked away from the bar to hide in the back office and answer the call he almost couldn't believe it. All he could do was nod and listen and promise that he'd be there, straight away.
Mist came into the office when he hung up and was getting his things together, and she frowned at him:
"What are you doing?"
"They've found him," he said. "They've found both of them."
"Oh!" Mist exclaimed. "That's…"
"I know."
"What, what's happening?"
Now Lily came in, but the moment she looked at Hiraga she clearly knew exactly what was happening and her face broke out into a huge grin:
"What are you hanging around for, go, go! Need anyone to come with you?"
Hiraga flung his coat on and headed to the door.
"No, it's fine, it's fine, you carry on. I'm going through the back so let Sado and Angela and Rena know, yeah?"
He heard Lily and Mist both promise that they would, but he didn't turn back to say goodbye or even explain what was happening to anybody else as he raced out. The bus to the hospital felt like it took an age, while the bus ride itself felt even longer but finally, finally he got there and rushed to the desk.
"I…"
"Yes?"
The receptionist looked a little bit bored and that threw him off until a familiar voice said:
"This is Hiraga Hoshino here for Quiet Serenschild-admitted about half an hour ago?"
The receptionist turned to Robyn, suddenly flashing a smile:
"Oh, yes, the husband, of course. I'm sorry, I didn't realise."
"No, it's my fault, I should have said but…what's happened? Can I go to see him? And…and what about Howl?"
"Kura's with him-I forget that he lives close by, but he was here almost as soon as Viri hung up," Robyn said, gesturing to the receptionist. "But I think you should be fine to see him-I'll get the doctor for you. Just…"
In that pause, it briefly occurred to Hiraga to wonder why it was Kura that was here for Howl, and not either of Howl's parents. But then Robyn continued:
"The first thing you should know is that they didn't find Ariadne. Certainly, there was no sign of her when they turned up at the gardens. But…"
Hiraga frowned at her, not entirely sure he understood why she was telling him that. Of course they hadn't found her, or that would have been mentioned already.
"But?" he asked.
"But both of them are saying that she was the one who bought them back." Robyn replied.
Hiraga immediately remembered the presence that he'd felt at the Lantern Tree, the way the air had changed texture and he wondered-could it really be? But then he shook his head-that wasn't what mattered. What mattered was that Quiet was back, and that he was alright, and all the things that could now be said.
"Thanks for telling me, Robyn."
"No problem-I'll go get the doctor now!"
…
"You know, I didn't expect that the first thing I'd see was our wedding flowers."
Hiraga had attempted to prepare for the exact moment he laid eyes on Quiet, but he was momentarily wrong-footed by these words and just stopped to stare at him, sitting calmly in the hospital bed, looking tired and hollow-cheeked but not notably injured or ill. This lined up with what the doctor had told him-that all Quiet needed was rest, warmth and a few good meals- but to actually see him sitting there, actually real and awake and smiling at him was something else completely. Once again, he was robbed of speech. Quiet filled in the silence with explanation:
"I saw them, on the Lantern Tree along with the charms…those were you, right?"
"They…they were me." Hiraga managed.
"I thought so," Quiet nodded. "They felt like something you'd do, and it worked. I felt it, you know, felt you. But we were so lost up there and the fog was so thick…this is going to sound so unbelievable, but I really do think that Ariadne was there, somehow, and that she was able to guide us back down to safety."
"Did you…"
Hiraga came to sit on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath:
"Did you see her?"
Quiet shook his head and looked down briefly.
"I didn't, it was more of a sense, you know? A presence? And there was something about it that just made me think that it was Ariadne. Howl is convinced that it is, and he tried to go back for her but we were pushed forward by what was definitely a spell of some sort. What do you think? I-" Quiet held back a yawn. "I'm not sure what you're thinking."
"Quiet, if I'm not sure what I'm thinking then I don't know how you can be but honestly?" he said. "I'm not sure I care if it was her or not? Well, not that I don't care, just that…you're back."
Hiraga took both of Quiet's hands and squeezed.
"You're back and you know, I was starting to wonder if…if…"
"If I wouldn't come back?"
Hiraga nodded and kept looking down at Quiet's hands in his, noting faint scratches that had been cleaned and how his nails had been cut right down but most importantly how they still felt familiar.
"I wondered that too, sometimes, after the fog came down," Quiet murmured. "I'm sorry."
Hiraga shook his head.
"Don't. You don't need to apologise. Well, not to me, anyway."
"The children, yes," Quiet murmured. "I know. Where are they now?"
"My parents came down to stay a couple of days ago, help me take care of them whenever I'm working the nights, so they're all at home."
"Good, good. It's probably a good thing they want to keep me overnight, then-I wouldn't want to wake them up."
"Mmmm."
Hiraga thought of all the sleepless nights the children had had, and the heaviness of the guilt that'd robbed his sleep too. He still held on tightly to Quiet's hands when he looked up, but saw pain in his eyes and he couldn't say it's alright because it wasn't and hadn't been for so long. But it would be, and now he could say the important thing, the one thing that had been true through all this and would still be true. Carefully, Hiraga pulled his hands away from Quiet's and used them to frame his face instead. And then he said those words, the thing he'd been waiting to voice:
"I love you."