Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow,
Tarnished but so grand

I sat by the cold fire pit near our tents that night and cried for Dale. He'd been so gentle and kind, and always thoughtful. Were we all going to end up that way: dead because we spent one moment alone, not being fully alert? How could we function like that? Daryl had gone to talk to Rick at the farmhouse and I didn't realize he was back until he was almost in front of me. I wiped my eyes quickly and stood up to go to my tent but Daryl grabbed my arm.

"Don' go wanderin' off alone anymore, ya hear? Ya still don' know how to use a gun, and y'ain't good at killin' walkers with a knife yet either. Y'need ta go somewhere, ask me or someone else ta go with you." I nodded and then noticed he was holding a pair of scissors.

"What are those for?" I asked, but he ignored my question and nudged me back toward the log where I'd been sitting. "Gonna learn ta build a fire," he said, handing me some kindling. I'd learned that Daryl answered questions in his own time and that pushing wouldn't get me anywhere, so I acquiesced.

I built the fire, following his terse instructions, and soon had it crackling away. I sat down on the log next to Daryl and he picked up the scissors. "Turn yer head," he said gruffly. "Yer hair's gonna get grabbed again if ya keep it this long and I promised yer kids I'd bring ya back."

I turned my head, realizing what he was doing, and bit my lip to stop myself from crying again. I tended to be a calm and rational person, but sometimes teared up easily, and today had been a merry go round of feelings. I knew if I let myself dwell on Daryl being thoughtful, I'd lose it.

"You ever think about being a hairdresser?" I teased, trying to lighten the mood as he snipped the back of my hair to about chin length. He snorted in response and I smiled. "My sister's a hairdresser. One of them, anyway." Daryl turned my chin to face him while he knelt in front of me, and began cutting the front part of my hair, not meeting my eyes. "Ya miss 'em," he stated, not asking.

"Yeah," I whispered, keeping my head still. "I mean, I didn't even get along with her much. But I went from being part of a big family to being . . . no one. No past connection to anyone here, just trying to survive and relying on you to help me."

Daryl had finished my hair but stayed crouched in front of me for a moment, eyes narrowed a little but holding mine steadily. "Y'ain't no one," he said huskily. "I know it ain't the same as bein' with family, but yer important to the group, y'keep us focused on th' important stuff. S'why ya gotta be careful." He was close enough that I could have kissed him, but I just nodded and tried to bury the thought, guilt bubbling in my stomach.

He straightened up and put the scissors away, then settled himself next to me on the log. I tentatively leaned my head on his shoulder, and when he didn't shrug me off right away, relaxed a little into him. "Thanks for doing my hair," I said, and laughed quietly at the way it sounded. "Just don't tell anyone," Daryl muttered, and I nodded against his shoulder drowsily, only waking slightly when he pulled me to my feet and gently shoved me toward my tent.

Dale's death had a profound effect on many of us, but none so much as Rick. We could all feel the shift in him as he pivoted away from Shane's influence and drew closer to Herschel and Daryl. I could see Daryl's conflicting emotions while Rick talked about Dale during the funeral and his understanding that Rick was now counting on him to run things. Shane saw it too, watched the remains of his influence in the group slip away, and became even more of a loose cannon.

I helped Herschel stock the basement with supplies and Maggie and I talked him through our plans for the winter. He grasped both our shoulders and squeezed affectionately. "You two impress me. While we've all been lost in grief and just trying to make it to the next day, you've been figuring out how we're going to truly live. We're gonna need you, more than any of us realize I think." Maggie and I smiled at each other, ready to make our plans a reality now that the group had pulled itself back together. I felt like Maggie could be a real friend, and I was glad to be working alongside her.

We heard T-Dog yelling and ran out on the porch. Daryl, Glenn, and Rick headed out with Shane to search the woods when Shane told us Randall had overpowered him and run away with his gun. The rest of us holed up inside, terrified as darkness fell with a new threat somewhere outside. When Daryl and Glenn came back with the disturbing news that Randall had been a walker and that Rick and Shane were still out there, I could see Lori's panic that something had gone wrong, even before she realized Carl was missing.

Everything next happened in a blur. The herd headed for the house, the barn caught on fire, Jimmy took the RV to try and help Rick and Carl escape it, and the rest of us attempted to defend the house.

Eventually, it became clear that we couldn't succeed, and we scattered to the vehicles. I grabbed Carol's hand and pushed her into the back of T-dog's truck but he pulled away, tires squealing before I could get in. I began to run for the woods beyond the road, but Daryl pulled up beside me on his bike and I swung my leg over the seat behind him. I turned my head to look at the farm, barn blazing and the yard filled with walkers, before burying my face in Daryl's vest while he sped away.

Everyone but Andrea, Shane, Jimmy, and Patricia made it to the highway by morning. Daryl had driven in circles for a while, trying to lose any walkers that might be following the noise, and we found T-Dog, Lori, Beth, and Carol; and Glenn and Maggie on the road. We eventually headed for the traffic snarl where we'd left the signs for Sophia, and found Carl, Rick, and Herschel waiting for us. The relief at finding each other was quickly followed by a stunned realization of those we'd lost in the fight. We consolidated into two cars and Daryl's bike and headed out, away from the main roads.

I felt myself slipping into a daze, unable to process everything that had happened in the past 24 hours. I'd been so focused on building a sustainable future on the farm for the past several weeks that I couldn't get my head around the loss of that dream. I stared at the fire we'd built when we stopped for the night, unable to deal with the group's argument over what we should do. Carol, Glenn, and Maggie seemed to want to leave Rick, but Daryl and Herschel could see the folly in splitting up and I just couldn't bring myself to care.

Rick still clung to a vision of somewhere we could build a life, and deep down I believed he was right, but I didn't know if I could put my hopes into that again when it seemed like such a pipe dream. I knew I'd go wherever Daryl went, and Daryl wanted to follow Rick, so that's what we'd do. I saw Daryl watching me with concern over the next few days as we drifted from place to place, trying to find a safe spot. I had suggested going back to the farm, to see what was left, but the Greenes shot that idea down, likely terrified of what they'd find. I hardly spoke to anyone after that, retreating into my head and simply going through the motions of eating, sleeping, killing walkers, moving on every time we ran into a new herd.

Beth had been in a similar state, but her father and Carol were able to draw her out of it eventually. It was good for Carol to have someone to mother again, and Beth wasn't much older than Sophia had been. Daryl and Rick made a good team, and always seemed to be on the same page, and T-Dog had comfortably assumed a supportive role to their leadership. Lori was still furious with Rick for killing Shane and taking it out on him. In turn, he tuned her out and focused on the bigger task of keeping the group safe.

I couldn't stand to be around Lori; we'd never gotten along well, and she had become more and more hostile toward me as her pregnancy progressed and Rick continued to shut her out. Thankfully Herschel had taken a more active role in helping Lori get the nutrition and rest she needed, and Carl had started to look up to him as well. That left me as the odd one out, unable to connect with anyone on a deeper level. Daryl was focused on protection, and always looked out for me when we came across walkers, but he didn't know how to navigate any kind of emotional issue and there were always more pressing needs so the brief closeness I'd felt at the farm dissipated. He had talked me through killing more walkers, and I felt pretty competent with my knife, but we didn't have enough ammunition to practice with a gun.

Part of the problem was that I didn't feel like I had a useful role in the group. Glenn and Maggie had gotten good at scavenging, making runs together to get gas or other supplies when we ran out. Daryl, Rick, and T-Dog kept watch every night and protected the group as we traveled, and Lori and Carol had children to care for. I helped Glenn and Maggie when they needed an extra set of hands, and I could handle a walker if I needed to, but most of the time I felt useless and slipped further and further into depression.