The weather had steadily gotten colder. We'd found warm coats for everyone, and quite a few blankets, but food was getting harder and harder to come by and we were all losing weight. Lori looked skeletal other than her growing belly, with all of her nutrients going toward the fetus. We'd finally found some prenatal vitamins, and I'd grabbed several other bottles of supplements for the rest of us. Hunting in the winter was almost nonexistent, though Daryl did his best, and I was pretty sure we were all anemic.

At night, we'd huddle in whatever space we currently occupied, and folks had begun to group together in order to stay warm. Carol, Beth, Lori, and Carl huddled close in one corner, while Herschel slept back-to-back with either T-Dog or Rick, whoever wasn't on watch. Maggie and Glenn often found a more private spot to sleep, to all of our relief, and Daryl never seemed to get cold and could crash anywhere. I usually curled up somewhere near Carol and Beth but didn't feel comfortable getting close enough to share their warmth. The loss of my own children, and not knowing whether they were still out there or not, was pulling me further and further into a depressive spiral and I knew I was pushing people away but I couldn't help myself.

It had finally gotten cold enough that I couldn't fall asleep for shivering. I wandered outside where Rick was on watch and offered to take over. He looked at me carefully before agreeing, with the understanding that I'd yell if I saw anything rather than trying to take care of it myself. I was supposed to wake Daryl after a few hours to take over, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway so I figured I'd let him get more rest. He came out anyway, a couple of hours before dawn, and seemed angry that I hadn't woken him up but I didn't care. It felt good to do something that helped the group, and it didn't make sense for me to lie on the floor shivering when I could keep warm by moving. I ignored Daryl's admonitions and went inside to pack up before we left.

The next evening I took over for T-Dog during the second shift, as I'd spent the first half of the night shivering and trying unsuccessfully to sleep. I knew that it would catch up to me eventually and made a mental note to ask Herschel if he knew of any sporting good stores around that might have warm sleeping bags. We'd found one early on where Daryl had gotten a bunch of new bolts, but it was picked almost clean of any camping gear and we had been staying away from towns since then.

We had to move again the next day when a herd came through, and we barely made it out with our stuff. We only had a couple of cans of beans to share amongst us that night, and all went to bed hungry. Rick had refused to let me take watch again, insisting that everyone had to have at least one full night's sleep a couple of times a week, so I lay in the dark shivering under my blanket and tried to remember my kids' faces. Occasionally something would remind me of them and I'd see them so clearly I could almost reach out and touch them but when I tried to focus on the memories, they'd slip away and leave me unable to remember the exact curve of their cheek or shade of their eyes.

The other loss I felt acutely was touch. I hadn't realized how much physical touch we naturally share with our families until it was gone. Prior to the fall of the farm affection had been scarce enough, but now it had been weeks since I wrapped my arms around Daryl on his bike, and I found myself dreaming about it sometimes. I wondered if I should have felt guilty, but my husband was thousands of miles away, if he was still alive, and there was no chance I would see him any time soon. I'd begun to feel like even if I did make it back, I would be so different he might not recognize me as the woman he'd married and it was easier to imagine a lifetime of incidental contact with Daryl than regaining my relationship with my husband of almost 15 years.

I shifted against the cold floorboards, unable to stand it any longer. I wrapped the blanket around me and wandered outside, careful not to wake anyone. Daryl sat on a porch bench, crossbow leaning against the railing in front of him. He squinted at me in the dark. "You should be sleepin'" he rasped. "Didn' slip my attention that you been up the last two nights. You keep that up yer gonna doze off at the wrong time and get yerself killed, or someone else."

I stared out at the yard and nodded slowly. "I know, and I'm trying. It's just too cold and I'd rather walk around and keep warm than lie there and shiver all night. I'll try and find warmer blankets the next place we go."

I felt a tug at my blanket and turned around. Daryl patted the bench next to him. "Yer too goddam skinny, that's the problem. Ain't enough food to put meat on your bones. Sit here and lean up against me. Ain't the best place to sleep but it'll be warmer than the floor." I sat next to him carefully, not wanting to overstep, but he shifted so he was pressed against my side and I leaned into him without meaning to, letting my head drop to his shoulder like I had that last night at the farm when he cut my hair.

"Mm'sorry," I murmured. "I'm just so tired I can't . . . " Daryl rested his chin on the top of my head and pulled my blanket tighter around me. "S'okay, just go to sleep," he said quietly, but I was already drifting off.

Daryl shook me awake at the end of his watch and I stumbled back inside and laid down. The loss of his body heat was startling and I felt disoriented. I laid down on the floor and curled up, thankful for the sleep I'd managed to get while sitting next to him. It would see me through the next day at the very least.

I turned my head when I heard footsteps next to me, and saw Daryl drop his blanket next to me and sit down. I couldn't see his eyes in the dark, but I could feel his awkwardness as he muttered, "This okay?" and I reached out a hand and found his to squeeze it. "Yes. Thank you. And you don't have to, you know." He shook his head and rasped quietly, "Don' mind. An it's better for everyone if you get enough sleep." I shifted so my back was pressed against his side and fell into a deep sleep.

I woke when cold air hit me as Daryl got up and realized I had turned toward him during the night and had probably freaked him out. Daryl was obviously uncomfortable with affection, and I hoped he wouldn't react badly to my unintentional cuddling, but there didn't seem to be any additional awkwardness between us as we went out looking for supplies.

We settled into an unspoken routine over the next few weeks, where I sat with him when he was on watch and slept next to him when he wasn't. Every morning he left before I woke up, and we never talked about it, though the ache of arousal often kept me awake and fantasizing about him really touching me, long after he drifted off. I took my own watch shifts as well, and I felt things within me sliding into place as I found a way to contribute to the group again.