As it turned out, making plans for the future would have to wait. Herschel's accident, the conflict with the surviving prisoners, and the attack of the walkers ended with Lori's death. Rick staggered off into the prison in shock, and the rest of us crowded around the brand new baby. Herschel proclaimed her healthy, but we needed to find formula so Daryl and I headed out. He'd seen a sign for a daycare a few miles away and we found it quickly.
I broke a window and climbed into what looked like a room for infants, with a few cribs and baby toys on the floor. Daryl crawled in after me and stood guard while I cleaned out the cupboards, grabbing diapers and bottles, a couple of pacifiers and diaper rash cream. We moved on to the kitchen and found cans of formula in the cupboards, but only enough for a week or so. The possum Daryl shot was a bonus.
We walked back through the hallways, checking for more supplies and I stopped at a wall covered in brightly colored handprints. One yellow one read "Lucy", and I reached out my hand and pressed it to the paper. The senselessness of Lori's death and the tragedy of a child without a mother had brought my own abandoned children to the forefront of my mind and I couldn't push them away. They were out there, or they had been, without a mother, in the middle of the most terrifying thing they'd ever experienced - that the world had ever experienced. Could I even call myself a mother anymore? I was existing, surviving, but for what? A slim thread of hope that someday this would end and I would see them again?
I let out a small sob and crumpled my fist around the handprint, tearing it from the wall. I turned to leave but felt Daryl's chest against my cheek as he wrapped me in a tight hug. We stood there while I cried for my children, for Lori, for Sophia, for T-Dog, Carl, and Rick and he held me tightly and let me soak the front of his shirt with my tears. At last I took a shuddering breath and wiped my face. "I'm good. Let's get back" I said. Daryl tipped my chin up with his knuckle and looked at me carefully. Whatever he was looking for, he must have found it in my face because he nodded and headed outside.
I watched from the steps leading to the upper deck while Daryl fed the baby. It was like every hard thing we went through forged him into a more complete person, smoothing out the rough spots and hardening his resolve, but also shaping him into someone who knew who he was and could connect with others on a level I suspected he never had before. Maggie sat down next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. "That's a good look for him," she whispered. I bit back a smile and looked down at her. "I'll be honest. Makes my ovaries hurt looking at him holding her," I said under my breath. She laughed softly at that, and Daryl turned to look at us. "What? You don't like the name Lil Ass Kicker?"
We both smiled and I got up from the steps and came to see her, beautiful and healthy, content as could be sucking away at the bottle of formula. I smoothed my hand over the peach fuzz on her head and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "She has that baby smell," I murmured and Daryl looked at me, puzzled. "Seriously, smell her head. There's nothing like it, and it only lasts for a few months."
He shook his head, "I ain't sniffin' her hair, Princess" he drawled, but he gave me a small smile and held her out. "Wanna hold her?" I took the bundle from his arms and cradled her gently, swaying slightly to soothe her. "Hey there, baby girl," I cooed. It had been years since my kids were babies, but it felt as natural as breathing to rock her back and forth until she fell asleep.
Rick still wasn't back so I took the baby to bed with me, as I'd done when my own kids were infants. Daryl was on watch and came to check on us when his shift was over. I was feeding her another bottle, propped up on my arm in my bunk as she lay next to me and I smiled at him standing in the doorway. "You look good with her," he said softly.
"You did too," I responded sleepily, putting the empty bottle down on the table next to my bed. "You're good with kids, Daryl. You should be a dad someday." He scoffed and walked down the hall to his perch and I dozed off for another couple of hours.