The next few days didn't improve things between me and Daryl. We didn't have watch scheduled together, and he didn't come to my cell at night. He was never alone, which was unusual for him, so I couldn't even try to have a conversation about what was bothering him.

Ben had apologized sincerely for what he'd said about Daryl, and I'd reluctantly forgiven him. Unfortunately, he seemed to show up wherever I was, offering to help or just wanting to chat. He was smart and funny and nice, but I could feel my patience running out. I didn't want to discuss the past, and I didn't want to connect with him, but several Woodbury women had been giving me knowing looks when they saw us together and I knew I needed to be more direct with him soon, so he didn't get the wrong idea.

I wasn't sleeping well and was thankful that my days were relatively routine. I got crews started with some weeding, and then took a few minutes to sit with Beth and Judith on the grass in the shade of the quickly growing corn. Judith was growing fast, and starting to roll over already, and I loved spending time with her.

I was on my belly, cooing at her when Daryl's name caught my attention. Two women from Woodbury were walking through the corn a couple of rows over, talking. The one I was pretty sure was named Dani giggled, "That rough-around-the-edges guy is exactly my type, you know. Basically like every guy in my high school, only hotter. He looked like he could use a little stress release so I went into the showers after him and offered it."

I closed my eyes, hardly breathing, as her friend gasped. "You are shameless!" Dani just laughed. "Why? There's nothing wrong with a little mutual pleasure, especially after I saw that body. I'm meeting him tonight after dinner – maybe you should come with me; pretty sure he'd go for a threesome." Their voices drifted away as they moved down the row, and I felt my stomach twisting at the sympathetic look in Beth's eyes.

I sprinted toward the prison and made it around the corner from the kitchen before losing my breakfast in the bushes. Beth was behind me, holding Judith on her hip and rubbing my back but I couldn't look at her. Carol came out the door and looked at me with concern. "Are you sick?" she asked. I shook my head. "Just came on suddenly. Must have been something I ate." Beth's face must have told Carol to let it go because she just patted my arm and encouraged me to lie down in my cell.

The last thing I wanted to do was be alone with my thoughts, so I took a sharpened stick and went to do fence duty instead, losing myself in the repeated motion of shoving the point through the skull of a walker until my arms ached.

I skipped dinner, patrolling the perimeter and debating whether I should switch off of my watch shift that night with Daryl. I felt sick every time I thought about what he was doing after dinner with her. Did he kiss her? Fuck her? Go down on her? Was he going to crawl into her bed tonight? Was he into a threesome? How had I missed that he was interested in someone else?

His distance from me finally made sense. He obviously hadn't wanted me to know and was trying to push me away gently, rather than hurting my feelings. He must have realized I'd been turned on the other night and thought he needed to make some things clear. I felt like a complete idiot, and pathetic for having assumed Daryl would only be interested in me. I knew I hadn't imagined everything between us, but maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe it just seemed too complicated to take it any further. I couldn't blame him for wanting a relationship that didn't come with kids and husband waiting thousands of miles away, or nightmares, scars, and panic attacks. Or maybe not wanting a relationship at all – just 'mutual pleasure' with no complications, like Dani had said.

I decided I'd have to face Daryl at some point, so it might as well be on watch. We didn't need to talk, after all, and if I could just last until the shift was over, I could fall apart afterward in my cell where no one would notice.

I headed to the guard tower at 8:00 and found Daryl was already there, pacing. I didn't say anything, but my stomach ached when I saw his face and I turned toward the window quickly. I scanned the fences with the night vision binoculars and tried to focus on the tree line and not think about what he'd been doing.

Daryl didn't say anything but I could feel him looking at me as time wore on and I didn't speak. This was usually when I talked the most, even if it was just about Judith's latest development, or my most recent experiment with fermenting vegetables. I just focused on breathing normally and counting the seconds until I could leave.

"You feel okay?" He finally asked. "Carol said ya were sick earlier."

"M'fine," I managed, around the lump in my throat, but didn't trust myself to say anything else.

Several more minutes passed before he tried again. "Somethin' botherin' you? Usually, I can't shut ya up."

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the cool glass, willing myself not to cry. "I said I'm fine," I repeated and I felt him take a step closer.

"Ya mad about me hittin' Ben?" he finally said and I closed my eyes and took in a shaky breath, shaking my head 'no'. He let a few seconds tick by and asked again, "Well yer obviously upset about somethin'. Someone say somethin' to ya?"

I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks, but kept myself from making any noise and moved further away from him to prevent him from seeing my face. I wrapped my arms around myself, pressing tightly against the ache in my stomach, and silently pleaded with whoever was listening that he'd leave me alone.

No such luck. He came to stand directly next to me and I knew he could see the tear tracks in the moonlight. His voice softened. "Hey. If somebody's botherin' ya, tell me who it is and I'll take care of it. If ya had another panic attack or somethin', we should tell Herschel."

I pressed my palms to my eyes, trying to stop myself from crying, and took a deep breath. I knew if he touched me I'd fall apart, so I took a shaky breath. "I'm going to go check the fences," I choked out, and left before he could respond. I took my time, breathing the cool night air deeply, and pulling myself together. By the time I finished my round I had reconciled myself to the fact that I couldn't last the entire shift with him, so I went inside and woke Carol up. I told her I still wasn't feeling well and asked her to take the rest of my shift.

I cried myself to sleep, muffling any sobs in my pillow, and drifted off in exhaustion, after making sure I had locked the cell door so Daryl couldn't check on me when he came in.