I woke up alone, late enough that the prison was quiet with everyone off working for the day. I felt awful. My head hurt, I could tell my eyes were swollen, and I'd gone to bed without brushing my teeth so my mouth tasted disgusting. I stumbled to the bathrooms and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked as bad as I felt - pale, red-rimmed eyes, exhausted. I splashed water on my face, brushed my teeth, and combed out my hair with my fingers. There were days when I really missed makeup.

I really didn't want to face anyone after my meltdown. I wasn't sure who had seen or heard, and it was humiliating. I was supposed to be the one running things around here, and completely falling apart when a perfectly harmless guy tried to have a conversation with me wasn't going to instill confidence in my abilities. At the very least, Ben had witnessed the whole thing and would likely talk to others about it.

I stood in front of the mirror, trying to give myself a pep talk. "It doesn't matter what they think," I muttered, "shit still needs to get done. Get over yourself." Eventually, I worked up enough courage to head out to the garden, where folks had spread out gathering the last of the tomatoes for the season.

Carol was just outside the kitchen door, planting some greens we hoped to harvest in the fall. She straightened up and gave me a smile. "You're looking better. I hope you aren't letting it get to you." I bit my lip and she shook her head. "No one thinks any worse of you, you know," she said. "As Herschel said, it's to be expected. We're all just impressed you aren't constantly panicking, considering what you went through."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek nervously. "Well, Ben doesn't know about all that. Either he has to be told, and I don't really want that, or he'll think I'm just a complete mess who could have a nervous breakdown at any point. And if he told others, I'm not sure they'll think I should be in charge of anything around here."

Carol sighed. "I'm pretty sure he didn't talk to anyone else about it. He was very shaken up and apologetic last night and I asked him to keep it to himself until we had a chance to explain. It's up to you, what you tell him, but I think he'll be understanding."

I spent some time picking tomatoes and avoiding talking to anyone, unsure what I was going to do about Ben. Around the middle of the day, a shadow fell over me and I looked up to see Beth standing there with Judith. "Come eat something," she said, and I realized I was starving, having missed breakfast. "I think you could use some baby snuggles" she continued, as we made our way over to the blanket she'd spread out in the grass.

She was right - Judith was getting to the age where her personality was really starting to develop, and she had discovered her tongue and would stick it out all the time, wiggling it around. Beth and I made faces at her and she giggled and grabbed at our fingers. Eventually, she got sleepy and Beth asked if I'd stay with her for a bit while she napped so Beth could get a little break. I nodded, and lay down on the blanket next to Judith, watching her suck on her little thumb and thinking about absolutely nothing.

I must have dozed off because the next time I opened my eyes Beth was saying my name and the sun had moved further west. Judith was still sleeping, but I stretched and let Beth take over baby duty again while I went in to help with dinner prep. I took a deep breath before entering the kitchen, but there were enough people around and bustling activity that I didn't get overwhelmed thinking about the night before.

I focused on chopping vegetables and browning them in big pots over the stove. As the soup came together, I pulled out the big loaves of bread that had been baked earlier in the day and began cutting thick slices, setting them on trays to be carried outside when the food was ready. Most of our meals were some form of soup or stew and bread, as it was the cheapest way to feed lots of people, but we were always hungry enough that it didn't matter.

When dinner was ready, we carried big pots of soup and trays of bread out to the picnic tables and folks lined up to get their food. I focused on dishing up the soup into bowls, and then carried empty pots back into the kitchen and started washing them. When Carol pressed a bowl of soup into my hands, I looked up startled, and then realized I hadn't eaten yet and scarfed it down.

"I'll take over," she said and shooed me toward the door after I took my last bite. I walked out into the yard to find the sun low and the courtyard mostly deserted, except for Ben, sitting at a table by himself. I swallowed hard, realizing that Carol must have arranged this - an open space where I wouldn't panic while we talked about what had happened. A noise to my left caught my attention and I turned to see Daryl leaning against the wall of the prison, watching me carefully. "Ya want me to come with you?" he asked gruffly, and I nodded. We walked over to where Ben sat, and he stood up nervously but I gestured for him to sit again.

"I'm so sorry!" he blurted out. "I don't know what I said, but I'm so sorry. I didn't know what to do and I think I made it worse. I really didn't -" I held up a hand to cut him off before he could apologize again. "Ben, it's not your fault," I started, and heard Daryl snort softly while crossing his arms over his chest, undoubtedly disagreeing with me.

I elbowed him gently. "Seriously, it isn't. I just went through some stuff a while back and every once in a while something sort of triggers a panic attack. It doesn't happen very often, and I'm getting better at controlling them, but last night I just was caught off guard and . . . " I trailed off, not wanting to think about how I'd fallen apart. "Anyway, I just hoped you could keep it to yourself. I know I looked like a total mess but most of the time I'm fine, and I don't really want people to know about those moments, if possible. They're usually more private than that."

I took a deep breath and dared to meet Ben's gaze. As I had feared, his face was filled with pity and remorse. "I feel terrible," he said quietly. "And of course I won't tell anyone. But . . . maybe if you talked about what happened . . . I mean, I don't quite understand what it was I did that set you off, and maybe if I knew what happened, I could avoid it."

I stiffened, but Daryl spoke up before I could respond. "No," he said flatly. "It's none a yer business. You spent all yer time at Woodbury livin' the cushy life 'fore coming here, and ya don't know what it's like out there. It's enough to make most people give up, but the strong ones who don't? The ones who survive and build something like this even after what they been through?" he gestured to the prison, "they don' gotta explain nothin'. From now on, if she tries to leave when yer around, you let her leave, understand? That's all you gotta know."

Ben nodded, and Daryl and I got up to leave. "I'll keep it to myself," he promised, and I could see that he meant it. We walked slowly up toward the kitchen door, but before we reached it, Daryl wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me toward him, heedless of the fact that Ben was still sitting and watching us. "Ya okay?" he murmured, and I nodded. He slipped his fingers into my hair cautiously, and I leaned into toward him so he could cover my mouth with his. We stood there in the warm night air, breathing each other in between kisses, and I felt all the tightness in my chest evaporate.