Everyone was still asleep downstairs, so I dug a clean bra and shirt out of my bag. After I was dressed, I found Daryl in the kitchen. He'd unearthed some of the energy bars we'd received from the Denver base out of his bag, and held one out to me wordlessly, sliding down to sit against the cabinets and eat his own. I could hear the group starting to stir, and I knew we wouldn't have any more privacy so I sat next to him and rested my head on his arm, closing my eyes and breathing him in for as long as possible.
Michonne entered the kitchen and glanced at us without comment, grabbing an energy bar and a bottle of water for herself. We'd used the last of our resources to hire a horse and wagon so that Herschel could make the long journey, and Judith wouldn't have to be carried the whole way. The wagon was more of a cart, but we were able to pile our bags in it and make a comfy spot for Judith to lie. The owner of the horse sat astride and set a slow pace so we could keep up.
It was a good 8 hours of walking, with pit stops and to give Judith a chance to toddle around occasionally. It was mid-afternoon by the time we reached the top of the hill that leads down to the main part of town, and I stopped to look out over the valley. "Is that it?" Rick asked, and I nodded, unable to speak. Somewhere down there were people I'd thought I might never see again, people who loved me but might not understand me anymore, people in whom I was putting all my trust without any guarantees it would work out.
I felt Daryl's hand slip into mine, and I looked up at him. He didn't turn his head to me but squeezed gently, and I lifted my chin. "Let's do this," I said softly, and we made our way slowly down the hill toward Chehalis. The first part of town was fairly deserted; gas stations and stores along the highway sat abandoned, but as we got closer to the older part of downtown, I could see that they'd built walls between some of the buildings to section off several blocks.
My old house wasn't far from there, but my mother had written that everyone lived on or near their property, which was on a country road outside city limits, so we bypassed the walled-off portion and followed smaller roads to skirt around the edges of the more populated areas. There were streets that appeared to be relatively normal, apart from the gardens and livestock in newly-fenced front yards, and homes that seemed to be occupied, but no one approached us as we made our way through.
We reached the other end of town, and I took the familiar turn down the road my parents live on. We made our way down the small incline, and I could see their property ahead, which appeared to have been enclosed by makeshift walls, built of whatever scraps they could get their hands on. All of a sudden a gate opened and a small figure came barreling out, sprinting up the street toward me. I dropped what I was holding and ran toward Lucy, who had Luke hot on her heels.
They crashed into me and we fell to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs. I was kissing their tearstained faces over and over, and they clung to me until the rest of the family finally pulled them off. My brother yanked me to my feet and crushed me in a hug, followed by my sisters. My mother's tears soaked my hair, and my father wrapped both of us in his arms and kept repeating, "it's a miracle."
After several noisy minutes of the happy reunion, my daughter tugged on my hand. "You didn't see Dad yet!" she said, and I looked up to see my husband standing slightly back from the rest of the group. He gave me a small smile and shook his head at my daughter. "It's okay sweetie, there's plenty of time," he told her, but I walked forward and hugged him tightly.
"Thank you for keeping them safe," I said. "I missed all of you so much". He nodded, and then looked up the road. "I guess that's them?" he said, raising his eyebrows. I turned and saw that everyone else was also looking at the group, waiting to be introduced. They had stopped at the top of the road and I realized, with a sinking heart, that Daryl wasn't with them.
"Yes," I said, swallowing the lump in my throat. "That's most of them, anyway" I beckoned them closer, and then made introductions. Everyone shook hands, and then my mother asked us all to come inside, where she could start making dinner for everyone and we could figure out where we'd stay that night.
"Where's Daryl?" I asked Rick, and everyone fell silent. They would have recognized his name on my list and from the video chats we'd had from the trailer, and he'd clearly made an impression on my kids. Rick cleared his throat uncomfortably. "He's just givin' you some space," he said, "but he said to tell you he'll come back in the morning."
My stomach twisted at the thought of spending the night without him, but he'd promised he wouldn't leave without talking to me, and in some ways, it might be good to have a few tough conversations out of the way before introducing him. I could tell it was pretty obvious to my family that he was the one I was referring to in my letter to Raph, but they didn't say anything and the awkward moment passed.
My brother Jake, ever the networker, struck up a conversation with Rick and Michonne, and my mom and youngest sister helped Herschel get comfortable inside at the big farmhouse table. Jake's wife Mia, who had been his girlfriend when I left, showed everyone else where they could put their things. My parents have a big rambling farmhouse, and we learned that my Jake and Mia were living with them.
My sister Jenny and her son Mason shared the house on the property next door, which they'd assimilated, with my other sister Daphne, and her wife Sarah and their kids. It appeared that my husband and kids were living even further down the road, so there were still a couple of available spaces in my parents' house for our group to sleep.
After washing up and unloading our things, we gathered in the main living space and broke into smaller groups, tentatively getting to know one another. My kids hadn't stopped clutching my hands the whole time, and we piled on the couch, while my husband pulled up a chair. I smiled at him over their heads. "It's surreal. I've dreamed about this so many times, but they're so much bigger than in my head," I murmured.
They told me all kinds of stories about the adventures they'd had, the scariness of the bombs being dropped and the grid failing, the way they'd struggled through the winter, and eventually moved closer to the rest of the family. My husband's father had passed away, and his mother was now living with his brother and his family in the next town over, so he didn't see her as much as he wanted to. Our old house was empty, but the neighbors were using the yard for their chickens and pigs, and Raph visited them occasionally and checked in.
We ate dinner spread out over the house, warm chicken and rice soup, and my mother's famous whole grain bread. It was the best thing I'd tasted in weeks, but my heart ached at the thought of Daryl alone in the dark while we sat in this cozy space.
After dinner, my daughter brought up the topic everyone had been avoiding. "Daddy said you might not live with us now. Is that true?" She had never been one to sugar coat things, but I could see the hurt in her eyes reflected Luke as well. I swallowed hard and pulled her toward me. "Well, that's kind of complicated, sweetie, and we still need to figure out a few things. But no matter where I live, I love you just as much as when we lived together. More, actually, because I worked so hard to stay alive and get back to you."
She shook her head stubbornly, "Then why can't you come live with us and it can be like it was before? Why can't you love Daddy again?" Her big brown eyes were full of tears, but she was angry more than sad, and I knew she wouldn't let it go.
"I do love Daddy, sweetie, it's just a different kind of love than before. When people go through hard stuff, it changes them, and sometimes it changes the way they love each other, especially if they don't go through it together."
"Did it change the way you love us?" she asked, and Luke wouldn't look at me. "Definitely not," I said firmly. "I'm talking about the way couples love each other, not the way parents love their children. Marriages are complicated, and sometimes they can't keep going the way they did. But that doesn't mean we aren't still a family and we can't still be together. It won't be exactly the same, but," I tilted Luke's head to look at me, "we will be together, and that's all that matters."
Lucy finally nodded, and I pulled her into a hug. "Just for tonight, how about I come home and stay with you, okay?" I said, looking at my husband, who nodded tightly. "Can I sleep in your room?" I asked Lucy. She smiled and Luke announced that he'd be sleeping in there too, and we moved past the difficulty for the time being.
More folks joined us in the living room, and Rick gave a brief history of the time we'd spent together in Georgia, others filling in their perspective when needed. By the time we'd gotten to the rescue, it was late and my mother suggested we call it a night since we were tired after our long walk.
I said goodnight to everyone and headed down the road with my kids and husband. They'd moved into the home of my parent's former friends who had left to try and find their children in California after the bombs, and never returned. It was a big house, and just as messy as I expected it to be; cleaning services clearly didn't exist anymore and Raph wasn't exactly a neat freak.
My children pulled me all over the house, showing me their rooms, slingshot and 22 rifle (Luke), and guitar and pocketknife (Lucy). I settled them in Lucy's room, in a big bed we made on the floor together, and they fell asleep quickly. I couldn't stop thinking about Daryl, probably sleeping in the woods somewhere, and eventually went down to the kitchen to get myself a drink of water.
My husband was sitting at the breakfast island, writing something in the light from the lantern he'd set there. They had some solar panels but used solar camping lanterns and candles as much as possible. He looked up when I entered, and smiled ruefully. "I hope you didn't have too much trouble getting them to settle down - I didn't want to interrupt," he said, stretching and standing up. "Want a glass of wine?"
"Wow. It's been a while since I had that offered to me" I said with a laugh. "Sure. What happened to the winery, anyway?" He poured me a glass of my favorite vintage and explained that he still made wine on a smaller scale, but the winery itself was only used during production months. With the three side-by-side properties together, they now had 15 acres and were able to raise sheep, steer, pigs, chickens, cows, and goats for milk, and grow most of their vegetables and some grains. He'd converted a root cellar into wine storage and used it to trade for honey and other sweeteners, fabric, building materials, food for the animals, and other things they couldn't produce on their own.
"It's really amazing, what you guys have done here, and the way you've kept everyone together," I told him. "I know it won't necessarily be easy to have all of us suddenly in your lives, but I hope we can find ways to be useful and fit in." He exhaled sharply and drained his glass before responding.
"I meant it when I said we'd figure it all out," he said, "but I don't really know how to handle this. If I'm being honest, it's pretty hurtful that you've just moved on. I mean, I was about there too, because I thought you hadn't made it, but apparently, you got over me a lot faster than I got over you if you're in a serious enough relationship that you're not even considering trying to get back together with me."
I could see the pain in his eyes, and my heart hurt. "I can see why it would seem fast," I said, "but honestly I feel like I've lived an entire lifetime in the past 21 months. It was so intense, and I had to learn and grow and adapt so much, so quickly. And when you do that with other people, strong relationships form much faster than in ordinary times. I assume you figured out that Daryl is the one I fell in love with, and I want you to know that it didn't start early or anything. It wasn't until we'd been at the prison for a while, and after I'd gone through something really awful that I almost didn't survive."
His eyes crinkled with concern, but I shook my head before he could ask. "It's not something I want to talk about, at least not right now," I said. "Suffice it to say that there were bigger monsters than the walking dead out there, and I suffered a lot because of it. And Daryl was the only reason I made it through that. I know you probably can't understand, but I'm asking you to accept it anyway, for me and for the kids."
He nodded, pouring another glass, and held out the bottle but I declined. "I'm going to accept it, I promise. I just . . . still love you. And when I look at you, I see the same person I fell in love with and married and it hurts." He blinked back tears, and I wiped my own away.
"I still care so much about you," I said quietly. "You'll always be the person I spent a very happy decade and a half with, and who gave me the most beautiful children in the world. Nothing can take that away." He nodded, and I went back to Lucy's room to get a few hours of sleep.