This is the last chapter before they hash out the WL convo. No specific warnings for this because it's all very vague.
"So there's something?" Elliot asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, something happened when you were gone, El. It was…bad. And I need you to know about it before we….before this goes any further. Not because it defines me, but it did change me. I want to let you back in completely but it terrifies me. Because maybe it wasn't till this thing happened that I realized how big the hole you left was. That there was a part of me that would always want you and need you no matter how much I tried to hide it from everyone, and more importantly myself. And he knew it. He saw you in me. I'd tried to bury you deep down inside, kept you locked away. And only at night when I was alone and I couldn't drown out the screaming emptiness that was you, would I unlock that door. But he broke in. And he found you in me. " Olivia said, her eyes growing dark and distant.
She could hear his taunting voice in her head, baiting her. The smell of burnt flesh and cigarette smoke in the room.
It was Elliot's hand wrapping around her's that brought her back to the moment. His thumb rubbing lighting across her knuckles. She squeezed it tightly, trying to drown out the intruding flashbacks and steady her breathing.
She went to her bag and pulled out the thick Manila folder. It was everything. Every statement, evidence photo, the IAB investigation, all the trial transcripts. She'd demanded to have it all after Lewis had killed himself. Olivia couldn't stand the idea of all this vulnerable information about her being stored in some evidence drawer. It was her story and no one else's. She'd talked about this with her therapist. About why she felt so compelled to tell Elliot about Lewis yet so conflicted.
"I meant it when I said I wanted to know you again, Liv. The good stuff and the hard stuff."
"I know. I just need you to promise me that you won't shut me out after you read this. I can't go backwards with us."
Olivia had seen the pain in Elliot's face when the doctor had told him that Eli was worried about his reaction. She didn't know if she could bare to have Elliot push her away again. Telling her to back off, going UC after Kathy's death, showing up drunk and drugged at her doorstep. She'd seen him change over the past couple months but this was a lot to take in.
"I promise. I'm good now. But, Liv, nothing that's in there is every going to change how I feel about you. There's nothing I could learn about you that could ever make me not love you."
"You don't know that," Olivia whispered, her voice in the verge of breaking.
A few stray tears leaked from the corner of her eyes and she quickly thumbed them away.
"I have to go. Noah's waiting for me at home."
"I'll walk you out then."
He moved his arm to wrap around her waist as they walked towards the door of his apartment.
Before she turned to leave he pulled her back to face him, his hands cradling her face.
"We're gonna be okay, Liv."
He gently brought his lips to hers, but Olivia needed more. Her arms pulling him closer she opened her lips, inviting him in further. She let him overtake her, his touch, his tongue, his lips. She let it all overwhelm her before she broke away. Her fingers traced his lips, his cheeks one more time like she was trying to put his outline to memory. This was the last moment of them in the before. She didn't know what the after would look like. If they survived it.