TRIGGER WARNING: lots of Lewis stuff mentioned. Not insanely graphic but still disturbing. Going to break this conversation into two parts because there's so much to unravel. Also, it's not all centered on WL but a lot about their feelings for each other. I'd love to know your thoughts in the comments / how you think the convo would play out since I still have more to write.
"Controlled burning, also known as prescribed burning, involves setting planned fires to maintain the health of a forest."
He kept his promise to her. He hadn't run. He hadn't pushed her away. It was only the next night that he'd texted her.
I'm so sorry, Olivia.
He'd called her repeatedly but she declined them. She knew once she heard his voice on the phone, it'd send her over the edge and she'd lose it. Work was chaotic as usual and she didn't have the luxury of time to not be on top of her game. Elliot got the message and went back to his pleading texts.
Please can we meet in person. I need to talk to you. I need to see you.
She conceded and agreed. But, she'd made him wait until she had a night when Noah would be out of the house. She didn't want to have this conversation anywhere near him. So, it was a week later when Noah had a dance team sleepover that she invited him over.
And now here they were in her living room. She didn't say anything when he arrived, just wordlessly let him in. He sinks into the couch while she leans against the wall, unable to calm her nerves enough to settle down onto a seat.
"Olivia, what happened?" he asks boldly, breaking the thick silence.
"I gave you my file, Elliot. You know what happened," she counters back.
She's avoiding meeting his eyes. She can feel them watching her, his gaze pulling at her like gravity, like the way the moons pulls the tides. But he's been out of her orbit long enough, she can resist it, for now.
"No. Don't give me that crap. What's not in that file, Olivia. I need to hear it from you."
I don't care what you need. It's none of your business. She wants to say it. She wants to throw it in his face. Spit back the venomous words he had said to her outside the courthouse. But it would be pointless. How does the saying go? Resentment Is Like Taking Poison and Waiting for the Other Person To Die. Instead, she asks him what she's wanted to know ever since she showed up to that crime scene over a year ago. Since they sat across from each other in that hospital waiting room, drowning in ten years of silence.
"What do you want from me, Elliot?"
"The truth. Not some watered down statement to IAB. Not the detached, rehearsed testimony you gave to Barba. You've never hid from me, don't start now."
"Watered down!?" she shouts at him, anger rising through her.
She grabs for the file and thumbs through the pages till she finds what she's looking for. The photographed evidence of her injuries. She slaps the sheet down onto the table in front of him. The bloodied raw edges of the burns he left on her. Their bright, gruesome scarlet hue filling the pages.
"Is that watered down to you? Because they sure as hell didn't feel like it when I got them," she fires back, watching Elliot's face flinch and twist as if he was feeling the pain of them himself.
"You have some nerve. You walked away from me, from us whatever we were. And now what? You expect me to bare my soul to you?" Olivia spats back, Cassidy's words echoing in her mind.
She's angry, Elliot thinks to himself. Good. She should be angry with him. He deserves her wrath and so much more because he sure as hell doesn't deserve her. But he wants her to tell him, to know she can. He wants her to unleash the darkness onto him, so maybe, just maybe he can take on some of the weight for her. Even if he's almost a decade too late.
"Yes. Because you know you can. Because you always have. You can tell me your darkest secrets, show me the parts about yourself even the ones you don't like. A lot has changed in ten years, but you know that hasn't."
"You want to know what's not in that file. Fine. I didn't scream, at first . When he burned me. That only made him angrier. It turned him on, having a challenge. So, he kept going and when I finally did, it was your name I screamed. That's when I knew I had lost. Not when he climbed on top of me while I was handcuffed to that metal bed frame. Not when he went to cut my clothes off. When I gave you up, when I gave us up. Because that's when he knew he'd gotten inside. He danced around with his taunting trying to figure out what made me tick. What deep dark secret I was keeping. And it was you. That I wanted you to save me and he fucking knew it."
It all comes tumbling out of her in burning, brutal honesty that leaves a fire in her throat. She knew she had been igniting a pilot light when she handed him that file. Stirring up the dying embers that was the encounters with Lewis. But now Elliot's here and he's tossing gasoline onto fire. And she's letting him. They do that don't they? Controlled burning is what they call it, to maintain the health of a forest. To save it. She needs to let the flames rage on. Maybe when it dies out, when they're left standing on the scorched earth, maybe then they'll be able to move forward. Rise from ashes like a phoenix.
"I would've. If I had known. Then, I would've killed him."
He knows it's useless to say and possibly unfair. But he needs to it be out there in the open. He can't stay silent and hope it goes without being said. Because he tried and failed at that too many times. After Gitano, picking a fight with her instead of saying what he really meant. That he loved her and he was scared. It'd only sent her running all the way to Oregon. When he left SVU, leaving behind only his mini badge and the two words he could manage instead of the three she deserved.
Semper Fi.
I love you.
And then the letter. All the lines he didn't write hoping she would read between them.
And if there was a man in your life, I hope he's the kind, faithful, devoted man you deserve.
Because he couldn't be.
And then the line he did write. Because maybe, this cruel twist of fate, this second chance was a door into the world he never thought they'd get to see.
But in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I.
"I know. But it doesn't matter now and it didn't then. You weren't there. At least not physically."
"What do you mean?"
"I heard your voice in my head. The moment I realized he was in my apartment."
Welcome home, Detective Benson.
"I heard your words after Gitano," she clarified.
I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay!
I need to know you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue!
"I didn't mean them. I'd thought I'd lost you and it scared the living shit out of me. So, I tried to blame you when it was my own damn fault," he tries to explain.
Kathy was right. Always so in sync is what she'd said and they still were. Over a decade later and that case was still coming back to haunt them.
"Yeah, but still. I let my guard down."
"Olivia, it's not on you—"
She held her hand up to cut him off.
"I know. I don't need you to tell me that. I've said it to enough victims myself. Heard it enough times in therapy. I'm just trying to explain."
"Okay," he concedes and nods his head for her to continue.
"I don't know if it was the lack of food, water, or exhaustion. Maybe it was the vodka and the pills he shoved down my throat. But I kept hearing your voice, telling me to fight. To buy myself some time till they could find me."
"And you did."
"Yeah, enough to watch him rape and torture a woman. Hear him kill a patrol officer. Listen to all the things he had planned for me. All the violent ways he wanted to degrade me. He finally found a place to get on with it. He had me, helpless, restrained. I'd accepted it at that point. He was going to rape me and there was nothing I could do about it. But then the woman and the little girl arrived and it woke me up. I couldn't let him touch that child, even if it killed me. I'd rather die."
"You wanted to protect her even if it was the last thing you did."
Elliot struggled to get the words out. He didn't…he couldn't imagine. He tried to push the image out of his head. The ones from the evidence files swirling in his head. But instead of Olivia's flushed skin contrasting against the flash of the camera, he saw her pale and cold. Instead of her haunting brown eyes staring down at the lens, he sees them shut and her face lifeless. He shakes his head, needing to make them disappear.
"Uh huh. So, I baited him, Elliot. I egged him on. Told him he couldn't handle me. A real woman. Not a child or someone frail and old. I told him to—"
"Olivia," Elliot growled, his voice low and grumbling .
"To prove me wrong," she finishes ignoring his warning.
"You were trying to save a mother and her child. It doesn't matter what you said. You were kidnapped and under duress."
"Yeah, well a jury disagreed with you."
"It doesn't matter. They weren't there. You know the truth. So does everyone who's not blind enough to fall for that psychopath's bullshit."
"You know how many times I've said that to a survivor. How it's about telling your truth regardless of what a jury says. That telling your story can be healing nonetheless. I didn't realize how fucking untrue that can be. Because I didn't feel fucking relieved on that stand. When he told them how much I begged for it. I'd felt like I'd been punched in the gut when the forewoman read the words 'not guilty' on the attempted rape charge. When I realized they didn't believe me…"
Olivia's voice falters, her lips trembling. She had never admitted it out loud. Not to anyone. How much it had killed her inside. She knew he'd gotten guilty on enough of the other charges to be put away for life but she had wanted it on paper. She wanted him to know he hadn't won. He tried and he failed and he was going to rot in jail for it.
"You faced him. He tried to break you, but he couldn't. You told the truth and he went to prison for it. He lost."
"Except I didn't, El," Olivia admitted, her voice barely above a whisper.
"He broke me. And I lied on the stand to cover it up. Because I was ashamed that I let him get to me."
"What do you mean?"
"The part where I broke free and had to subdue him. That's true. I did beat him with the metal bar enough to knock him out. The first time. I sent the girl and her mom away. And I could've called for help. I could've run. But I didn't. I contemplated what to do, what you would do. About what I wanted. I realized it wasn't justice. I wanted revenge, bloodshed, pain. For myself, for every one of his victims, for all victims. Then, I beat him with that bar while he was restrained. I hit him over and over and over again within an inch of his life. So, no, Elliot. He didn't lose. I did, because I lost myself."
To be continued ….