A.N. I highly recommend you listen to What If by SafetySuit either before reading or while reading because it fits this chapter so perfectly it took me half an hour to choose which lyrics to use.
"If it makes you sad at me, then it's all my fault and let me fix it please."
"You know your problems won't go away if you hide from them, right?" Mercedes asked without looking up from her magazine.
"You know Tiger Beat is a child's magazine, right?" Santana asked without looking up from her spot on the floor.
Mercedes closed the magazine loudly. She huffed and crossed her arms, "As soon as this baby gets out of me, I'm kicking your ass."
"Then who's going to feed Sam while you're in the hospital recovering from your injuries?"
"I can feed myself, thank you very much."
"I'm not sure you know your left from your right sometimes."
"You're mean when you're scared and upset." Sam's nose scrunched up. He is not afraid to admit his feelings were a bit hurt. He knew his left from his right, but he was definitely lying about being able to feed hisself. He can't cook to save his life.
"I'm not scared or upset."
"You're a pathological liar, too."
"Ladies, ladies you're all pretty! Now, will you shut your traps. My blood pressure is spiking because all of your damn yapping!"
"Sorry, mom." Everyone apologized. Even Camilo, who hadn't even been in the original conversation.
All five of them were packed into the medium sized hospital room, save for George whom had to return to work that day.
Santana sat the closest to her mother, Sam and Cedes sharing the small cushioned bench built under the window. Camilo sat in an extra plastic chair directly under the suspended 19 inch television, his laptop on his lap currently being used to hack into the hospital's wifi.
"Santana, apologize for calling Sam stupid." Maribel admonished as she fiddled with the television remote. The buttons were huge, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that the hospital seemed to have only two working channels. Fox News and...oh, the other one just lost signal. Just Fox News.
Maribel opted for turning off the television.
"I rather not." Santana answered plainly. Her knees were tucked under her chin and she still stared at that spot on the linoleum floor.
Maribel swatted her thigh.
"Santana Diabla Lopez."
Santana just grumbled.
"Your middle name is 'Diabla? Like the devil?" Sam started to laugh loudly. He immediately stopped upon the shoe hitting him square in the gut.
"No. Not like the devil, Knothead." Santana gestured for Sam to give her back her shoe. He did so with a scowl.
"Why is she being so mean?" Mercedes pouted.
Maribel huffed, "Her heat's about to start. So, she's grumpy. Also, she got herself into a unforgiving situation and it's all starting to unravel in front of her." Maribel looked as though she had even more explanation to give but thought better of it.
Santana eyed her mother suspiciously, "How'd you know all that?"
"Mother's intuition."
Mercedes' eyes squinted in determination, "Time for 'Operation: Just Pick One! Damn!'."
Everyone nodded along in agreement except for Santana.
"I've got the Pros and Cons T-Table pulled up!" Camilo gestured to his laptop. Mercedes gave him a thumbs up.
Santana stared at her omega brother, "What do you know about any of this?"
"Oh, Cedes and I talk once a week about you because you don't tell us anything. We were going to stage an intervention within the coming week if all of this hadn't happened." He said as though it was obvious.
Santana just rolled her eyes. Her brother knowing her business was the least of her problems at this point.
"Okay, but if we're going to have this conversation, Sam has to leave."
"What? Why?"
"Because you're an alpha and you wouldn't get it."
"Try me."
"...Fine."
Mercedes clapped excitedly, "Yay! It's finally happening. Cam, make sure you share the spreadsheet with your mom and I." She pulled her MacBook out of her large handbag and then delicately placed Maribel's laptop on her overbed table.
Camilo nodded just as excitedly. Maribel also nodded appreciatively as the group got their data together.
Santana wondered when her life got this out of hand.
At least Sam looked just as lost as her.
"Um, babe? Is all of this necessary? I think you're scaring-"
"Shhhhhh, honey," Mercedes blindly pressed a few fingers against Sam's lips,"I know exactly what I'm doing."
"...ok..." Sam looked to Santana with a mildly frightened look on his face. He shook his head slowly as if to say 'I tried. I am so sorry for what you're about to go through."
"Okay. First question! Who have you thought of more recently?" Camilo asked as he typed furiously on his HP.
"I'm not sure what any of this is going to help."
"Answer the question!" Camilo urged.
"God! I'm thinking about them both constantly, but I guess, Rachel because I spoke to her last."
Camilo nodded resolutely and continued to type.
"Next question, if they were both drowning, and you could only save one, who would you save?" Mercedes asked, her eyes narrowing intensely at her best friend.
"Sam, do you feel like this is a trap? Because I feel like this is a trap!" Santana inquired. She scooted her chair further away from everybody.
Sam slowly pulled his arm from behind his wife, he then scooted away from her and to the opposite end of the bench, "Yes. This feels exactly like a trap."
"Okay, you don't have to answer that one." Maribel glared at Mercedes who just shrugged.
"How about this one? Who do you miss the most?"
Santana threw her hands in the air in exasperation, "Cedes asked me that months ago! Don't you think if it was that simple I wouldn't be in this situation right now?! I miss both of them because they won't fucking talk to me! And I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to talk to me either." Santana sat back into her chair with a watery sigh.
"Can I give it a try?" Sam raised his hand sheepishly, "Without all the spreadsheets and interrogations." Sam directed the second part at three specific people.
The three specific people all reluctantly closed their laptops.
"Everyone else is, so why not?"
"Well, first. I think you need to lay off yourself a bit. Yeah, you put yourself and them into a sucky situation, so what? Get over that. There's no going back to change anything, so why wallow in it? Relax and forgive yourself." Sam spoke softly, his forearms resting against his thighs as he leaned forward.
Santana's shoulders sagged just enough to let Sam know he was getting through to her.
"I'm sure you know what traits you value in a partner, and I'm not going to ask you what those traits are because I'm sure Cedes would start to log your answers again. Besides, it's none of our business." Mercedes glared at Sam.
"You just have to apply those traits. Organize your morals which you have clearly been fast and loose with lately. Ask yourself questions like 'Are you really ready to be family woman? A mother?' And 'Are you okay with your mate having her work really high on her priorities list?' Think about what you want. Think about what you need. Think about who would be the best alpha for you. And then when you have all those answers to all those questions and you're all thinked out. Stop thinking and just go talk to her." Sam smiled softly as Santana nodded slowly.
Mercedes stared at her husband, her mouth wide opened, "I have absolutely no idea why, but that was the sexiest thing you have ever done." Sam blushed heavily.
"Yeah, Sam. When did you get to be so smart?" Santana teased.
"I have a B.S. in Biochemistry from NYU." Sam deadpanned.
"Yeah but you're a basketball player. It's not like you're doing anything with it."
"Alright, you got me there."
"Knock, knock. Hello, Mrs. Lopez Your discharge papers are ready." The doctor explained as she stood at the door, not wanting to intrude.
"Oh thank God! I was going to jump out the window if it had been another hour."
"Mom!"
"What? You would've too. Now shut up and help me into my clothes."
Santana did as told.
Once Santana was sure her mother was settled at her home with her father. She went back to hers.
She sat heavily on her couch.
Sam said to think. So, that's what she was going to do.
In the back of her mind, she knew whom it was supposed to be the minute Sam finished talking.
Sometimes, you just need to be told to get over yourself and put things into perspective.
But she chugs on anyway.
If only to double, triple check.
Some thoughts involve Sam's suggested quandaries and others Santana came up with all by herself.
It's about 5 minutes in that's she's already noticing a very clear pattern. The same name keeps coming up. Amid Yes' and Nos and 'we're just going to have to work on thats'.
It hit her so harshly she's not even sure why this was a struggle to begin with. The revelation just about sucks all the nagging anxiety and subsequent energy out of her brain. This must have been the "thinked out" part Sam was talking about.
That meant the next step was to stop thinking.
It's easier said than done, but she managed.
The last step.
Just go talk to her.
Santana nodded with finality.
She was going to do just that, but first she needed to fix something.
"I'm sorry." Santana said. She may be done feeling sorry for herself, but that didn't mean she couldn't feel sorry for others.
"For what?"
"It-I can't keep doing this to you. It's not fair."
"I-I understand, I guess."
"I shouldn't have led you on. Made you think-"
"It's okay, Santana. It really is. But I'm going to need some time before we can get back to normal if I can ever do that, with you again."
"I get it. I'll see you...later?"
She doesn't get an answer. Just a pained look and then a sort of wobbly shrug.
She has a feeling that's all she'll get from her for a while. And surprisingly, she's a little more okay with that then she thought she would be.