Chapter 12

The Pressure of the Past

Please don't leave me

If you leave, what will be left?

Only memories and the occasional

Remnant of your presence

The rock you used as a doorstop

The sloppy painting around the trimming

The magnet I brought back from vacation for you

Is still stuck on the fridge

And yet, you're not here.

I wake up and I imagine I can hear your alarm

It interrupts my sleep every morning

Are you calling me?

But I don't recognize you

I've already forgotten your number

And isn't is sad?

Isn't it lonely?

An almost empty house

In an almost empty life

We understand it well

"Why do you exist!?" shouted Molly as another burst of gas spewed out from underneath a rock. It was a Wednesday and Molly and Finn were busy at the Garmon lower mine. It was nearing the end of May and the amount of crops she had to take care of was slowly thinning out letting Molly spend her free time doing other things. Plus, since she was planning on buying the plot of land next to the pond, mining seemed to be the most profitable activity for this purpose. Not to mention it was about time to add on to the barn and coop so she could get more animals. However, that would have to wait.

"It's no use getting angry at something that can't talk…and will only disappear in a few seconds anyways," Finn said, wiping the sweat from under his bangs. He was only going around picking up the ores Molly broke away and various other things to salvage but they were going on their fifth hour of mining and it was starting to get to him. He couldn't imagine how Molly was feeling, swinging around that heavy hammer.

"I know, I know. I'm just so tired. Maybe we should head back soon," she said as she plopped down on a boulder for a quick rest. The gases made her dizzy and would always cause her sit down for a few minutes to get her senses back in working order. Sometimes it really slowed her down and today it seemed like they were hitting more gaseous rocks than they usually did.

"Yeah, it's getting late too. Remember, you have to be up early to go fishing with Toby and Paolo tomorrow."

"Right…yeah, I guess we should head back now, huh? Let's go, Finn." The week before she had made plans with Toby and Paolo to fish this Thursday and was genuinely looking forward to a break from all of the work she's been having to do. Of course she was looking forward to hanging out with the two of them as well and was planning to fix another lunch that the three of them could share together.

Getting back to the farm, Molly led her animals back into the barn, taking special care with Raven and giving her an extra brushing because the Animal Festival was just around the corner. Finn helped with the chickens and went into the house while Molly went to check if any more crops were ready to be shipped.

Opening the windows to let the small breeze flow throughout the house, Finn sat on the windowsill and watched as Molly transferred the ripe vegetables to the shipping bin. She seemed to be doing better than last week, as far as her health was concerned. She no longer looked really tired, having been able to get a good seven hours of sleep the last few days but Finn was still worried. He couldn't help feeling like he was forgetting something or maybe overlooking something important. But what?

He shook away the negative thought and smiled as Molly came in, taking off her work gloves and going to prepare dinner.

"I'll help!" he said and flew over to get out the dishes. They ate dinner and chatted happily until it was time to go to bed and in the morning Molly got up at 5 a.m. to get ready and, an hour later, headed out the door to meet Toby and Paolo at the docks. She carried the rod she got from Toby along with the basket holding their lunch and the apple pie she made for dessert. She didn't ask whether or not they liked apples, or pie for that matter, but who didn't like pie?

Taking the beach path on the way to town she stopped for a minute to watch the sunrise. One minute the ocean was a deep calm blue, barely a break on the surface and then, as if someone spilled their watercolor paints over a canvas, it was stained with soft pinks and bright oranges, spreading out like a hand. Molly didn't like being in water but she admired its beauty, especially the ocean. Even if it didn't absorb the colors like it did, the mere vastness of it was impressive by itself. She liked to imagine that if she splashed the water the ripples would eventually reach the shore of some other beach on some other continent. And perhaps those ripples would rush up and meet someone else's hand and her small message could be received. Thinking like this made the world seem so much smaller. If only there was a way to disturb the air and make it reach beyond the clouds…Molly smiled sadly and started off again, not wanting to be late.

By the time she made it to the docks, the sun was already above the horizon and, smiling in greeting, she jumped onto the small motorboat Toby had prepared for the morning.

"Hi Molly!" said Paolo, a bit sleepy.

She greeted him back and set her lunch basket down, letting them know she prepared their lunch.

"Wow! Thanks Molly, you're the greatest. I wish you could make lunch for us all of the time. My dad and Toby aren't bad at cooking fish but when it comes to other things, well, let's just say we eat out a lot," Paolo said, taking a peek inside. "You made apple pie too?"

"Oh, yes but I wasn't sure if you guys would like it, I should've asked if you liked apple pie beforehand but…"

"Oh, we love any kind of pie," Toby said from the back controlling the boat's direction. "We aren't too picky with our food. But if you were to make us pickled beets we might end up being a bit disappointed."

"Well of course, that sounds horrible," she said, laughing. "So, where are we going today?"

"Actually, not that far out. I found a spot the other day where a lot of perch seemed to be schooled together. I want you to be able to take some fish home today. There's nothing better than breaded perch on a late spring night," said Toby, slowing down and eventually dropping anchor.

"Oh, really?" Molly said, raising an eyebrow a bit sarcastically.

"Okay, it's good any night, not just a late spring one," Toby conceded. They shared a glance and starting laughing.

"I'm really glad we're fishing today, I've been so busy lately. I really needed some relaxation time," she said, sitting down and letting Paolo fix her hook up with a worm and a bobber.

"Yeah, I've noticed that you've been mining a lot, not just in the Watery cave but up in the mountain too. Chloe said she's been seeing you going in and out a lot in the last week," Paolo said finishing hers and fixing up his own pole.

Toby rested his head in his hands and looked at her seriously. Toby knew what it was like to have busy days on the boat but Molly's amount of work seemed to him to be too much. Cain and the rest of his family had it busy with just their animals and Craig with just his crops but Molly had both of those things to take care of. Not to mention she was still in her first few months. Honestly, he didn't know how she handled everything. Wasn't she exhausted?

"It's alright Toby, it's not so bad," she said, noticing his expression. To be honest, she was exhausted…but she was strong-willed and when something had to be done she knew she couldn't slack off. There was just no helping it and complaining only made it worse.

"I don't like it," Toby said, shaking his head and looking away. Molly took a step towards him, worried that she upset him somehow but he turned around and gave her a smile to assure her that he wasn't that upset. "I'm sorry Molly. Let's just get to fishing so you can forget about work for once, shall we?"

Molly gave an exasperated smile. "Why are you apologizing? But you're right. Let's fish. Ready, Paolo?"

Paolo gave the okay and the next few hours passed by peacefully, the three of them occasionally conversing but for the most part just listening to the sound of the sea as it pushed against their boat and enjoyed each other's company.

Before they knew it, 11 o'clock had come and, putting down their rods for a break, they broke into the lunch basket for some fruit salad and herb bread.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Finn was getting ready to eat his own lunch. He remembered that Molly's mother had sent her a box of food recently and in it was the flavored popcorn that he really liked. He knew she had it in a cupboard somewhere so he went around opening them one by one. Right above the sink was a small one and, upon opening it, a couple of small bottles fell to the ground. Finn cringed, expecting the sound of glass breaking but when he heard a rattling instead he looked down and realized that they were pill bottles.

Finn didn't quite understand pills. The sprites never had to take them, so the first time he encountered them was when Molly had pulled them out. According to Molly, pills were supposed to help sick people feel better. He looked carefully and realized that they were pain killers and sleeping pills. That by itself wasn't that unusual but what caught his attention was the fact that they were almost empty. He remembered that they came with the package her mother had sent…last week. Was it normal for someone to go through that many pills in one week?

"They help sick people feel better."

Molly's words echoed throughout his head as he realized that she only seemed better because she was drugging herself with pain pills.

"No, Molly…you said you were fine," he moaned as he shoved the bottles back in the cupboard and locked up the house before flying out the door. Should he wait for her at the docks or should he venture out into the ocean to try and find their boat? But he didn't know anything about the area around the island and it was so big…He decided to wait by the docks and hoped that Molly returned soon.

"That was great Molly, thanks for fixing us lunch…again," Paolo said, finishing off his last bite of pie.

"No problem, I was happy to," Molly said, smiling and packing everything back in the basket. Toby was pulling up the anchor, getting ready to head back to shore. After twelve the fishing got slower and, having already caught a good load, they had decided that they would head back for the day. Molly was glad of it though, the morning was relaxing enough but now she was starting to get a headache. She had meant to bring along her pain killers but forgot them at home and really didn't want to suffer through the rest of the afternoon.

Since last week she's been having pretty consistent headaches which were pretty rare for her. After taking the pain pills she could get through the day even if she was still tired and that way she could at least bear it. Thanks to the sleeping pills, she's been forcing herself to get a good night's sleep so she could keep working without taking too many breaks. She felt bad lying to Finn about it but as long as she took care of it, she'd be fine, right? She wasn't really abusing them…two pills every six hours, no more, no less.

She was really missing her pills now as the head pains started to get sharper and sharper. Turning away from Toby and Paolo she massaged her temples and took a few deep breathes. They were almost to shore, she could hold on for a few more minutes. Come on, Molly, keep it together.

"Molly?" came Toby's concerned voice from the back of the boat. She took a deep breath and turned around with a smile on her face.

"Yes?"

"Are you…okay?" he asked, looking at her carefully.

"Yeah, why?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious. Did she look tired, did she look unwell?

"Well you just seemed to be in pain and you're pretty pale, you know?" he asked, a bit cautiously, like he didn't want to surprise her or anything. Toby's tone must have caught his attention because Paolo also looked at Molly and agreed that she was looking rather pale.

"No, I'm always this pale. I can barely get a tan, even in the summer," she said turning around and touching her face. Maybe she did feel a bit clammy. Wiping her bangs from her face she also realized that she was sweating, even though there was a cool breeze blowing. It was like now that she knew she looked sick she started to feel it too.

"…Molly?" came Paolo's voice from what seemed like far away but when Molly glanced to the side she was surprised to see him standing only a foot away.

Her eyes widened as his image got blurry and she tucked her head between her knees to make it stop.

"Sorry Paolo, I think I'm just…feeling a bit sea sick," she mumbled from between her knees. Closing her eyes helped a bit and she thought she could handle it if she just stayed like that until they got back.

Paolo left Molly's side and went back to talk to Toby. Their voices sounded like whispers and she couldn't hear what they said but she felt a warm hand settle on her back only a few seconds later. She peeked up and saw Toby, his eyebrows turned up in worry. She could also see his eyes which were usually only open in a constant squint. It was a rare occurrence and she felt herself trying to memorize their exact shade. They were like the shallowest water on the beach on a clear day at the height of summer or maybe the blue-green flames burning on a piece of driftwood.

"Molly, we're almost back to the dock. I need to help Paolo secure the boat so just sit here until I come back for you, okay?"

Molly mumbled back something like she could walk by herself but Toby either ignored her or didn't hear and he went to the edge of the boat so he could be ready to grab one of the docking poles.

Molly groaned. She was so embarrassed to be in this state in front of other people. And she was so sure that she would've lasted longer too...Her body felt so heavy and her head and ears seemed to be buzzing. When did it get this bad, was she like this last week too? She couldn't remember…

"Molly, we're docked. Can you stand?"

Molly recognized that it was Toby and felt two pairs of hands grip her around the shoulders. She suddenly felt so ashamed, bringing so much trouble to them and she shook his hands off. Drudging up some strength she opened her eyes and slowly stood up. Blinking a couple of times she saw that they were indeed back on Castanet and Toby and Paolo were both in front of her, arms held out as if she would fall at any moment.

She took a deep breath and took a few steps forward, going to the edge of the boat.

"Molly?" Toby asked, alarmed.

"I'm fine," she managed to say in a clear voice and somehow made it over the edge of the boat and onto the dock. She looked around her and saw that Pascal's usual blue boat was gone and in the distance she could see Candace heading up to the clinic and Jin, standing just outside of it. Passing her gaze by the Town Hall she saw the mayor pointing up toward the mountain and Gill nodding his head beside him. She swallowed and wondered how she would get past them without their noticing when she headed home. Finally her gaze slowly came back and she saw Chase standing just outside the Brass Bar. Was it just her imagination or was he looking in her direction?

She turned around and saw Toby getting ready to jump off next to her and she took a couple of steps backwards to give him some room. Not realizing how close she was to the edge of the dock, she took another step back and felt her heel hit the side. Already dizzy from her headache and the exhaustion that had finally caught up with her, she flailed weakly for a moment, aware that she was going to fall before it even happened.

Her eyes widened as she gasped and looked up in time to see Toby reach his hands out for her, too far away.

"Molly!" he called out, his voice cracking as she fell, quickly disappearing below his line of sight. He ran over to the edge and saw her body sink surprisingly fast. He yelled to Paolo to go get Jin without looking back and quickly took off his robe and hat, pushing up his sleeves. He didn't know if Molly knew how to swim but even if she did she probably wouldn't be able to in her state. Glancing behind him to make sure Paolo had already left, Toby jumped, arching his back and dived into the ocean after her.

Molly was so shocked that at first she didn't even realize she was already underwater. She tried to take a breath but choked as water flooded her mouth, letting out most of the air from her lungs. The salt water started to sting her eyes and she shut them tight. Then the terror started taking over her body as the shock started to leave. Moving her limbs, her body felt like lead and the pressure of the water kept forcing her deeper and deeper against her will.

Her heart was racing and her body shook with the force of keeping her breath in. She could swim but her mind was panicking so much it was like it couldn't function properly anymore. Then, she couldn't move anymore, her body and mind at their limit. Molly felt like it was hopeless as the water kept pressing in around her. She stopped fighting and wondered if this was how Bryant felt when he died. Molly squeezed her eyes shut even tighter and felt a tear leak out. She remembered that day so clearly, it was as if no time had passed at all…

It was summertime, two years ago. Molly had just turned nineteen the week before and Angela and her husband Bryant were taking her to a lake house that belonged to his father for her birthday present. It was a private lake and only a few houses were nestled on its edge. Bry's father's house had its own beach, mostly surrounded by reeds and tall grass, blocked off from the rest of the lake. It was on this beach that they were sun tanning, Angela and her. Bryant was swimming on his back, circling around just beyond the shallow part of the lake.

Molly stretched and sighed, content. "This is a great birthday present you guys, those summer classes really stressed me out. I definitely needed this."

Angela turned on her back and sat up, taking a sip from her iced tea. "Noooo problem. Bry's dad would let us come here anytime. Out of all the in-laws he likes me best," she said, snickering. Bryant had three other brothers, all older and married as well.

Molly just rolled her eyes and sat up, pushing her sunglasses back on her nose and reaching for her bottled water.

"Aw man," she said, swirling the tiny amount of water around at the bottom of her bottle.

Angela, seeing her dilemma, told her that there were more bottles back at the house.

"Where are they?" Molly asked, getting up and dusting the sand off of her legs.

"In the garage by the steps, I think," Angela said and, at the confused look on Molly's face, got up and offered to show her where they were.

"Sorry, I don't know where anything is at," Molly said apologetically.

"Don't worry about it. Hey Bry, we're going to get more drinks. Are you coming too?" she yelled out to him.

"Are you coming back?" he yelled in return, now treading water.

"Yeah."

"Then I'll just stay here 'til you get back," he said, turning around and heading farther out.

"Alright. Just don't go out too far, okay?" Angela shouted and, with a wave from him, they turned around and headed back to the house. They were only gone a few minutes, in and out, but when they came back Bryant wasn't there anymore. They yelled for him, wondering if he went for a swim around the lake but, after getting in the paddle boat and taking a lap around the lake and still not finding him, they got worried. They called the police and waited on the beach until the dive team came back, the light on the front of their boat blinding them as they reached shore.

The sheriff had a quick word with them while Molly held Angela back who was struggling and asking whether or not Bryant was alright. The sheriff came up to them and looked at Molly first. His gaze was so steady and hard and she could tell by the deep grief they held that Bryant didn't make it. He was dead.

"I'm sorry ma'am. They found your husband but he was already…he was already gone," the sheriff said, looking straight at Angela now.

Molly felt Angela's body stiffen and then go slack as she fainted, Molly guiding her safely to the ground. The sheriff took her from her arms and carried her back to the house while Molly just stayed there, kneeling on the ground. It wasn't possible. He could swim. They were only gone for a few minutes, how could it happen? He could swim. He could swim.

She felt tears start streaming down her face and reached up to touch them. A warm hand fell on her shoulder and she saw a member of the dive team kneel down next to her. The light from his flashlight cast his features in a strange way and she could only see one of his eyes as he told her what they thought had happened.

"He wasn't in very deep water but he was in an area that had a lot of weeds on the floor. We think his foot must've got caught in one when he was underwater and just couldn't free himself in time. It's a shame…you never would think anything like this would happen on such a peaceful lake, but…"

She stared at him, wondering how he could be so calm, talking about it in such a detached way as if he didn't just pull Bryant's body out of that water. She lowered her eyes and was surprised to see that her palms were bleeding from how tight she'd been digging her nails in.

The diver took her hand in his and patted her on the shoulder.

"Don't worry, it's not your fault."

Molly took a shaky breath and closed her eyes. She hadn't thought it was but thinking harder she realized that maybe it was her fault. If she hadn't wanted another bottle of water, if she had just gone by herself…none of this would've happened. Bryant wouldn't have died and Angela wouldn't have become a widow at the age of twenty-one. Molly started to hyperventilate and she could feel the diver shaking her by the shoulders and telling her to calm down. She looked down and saw the water rush up almost to her feet and then she saw the rest of the team carrying Bryant's body out of the boat and up to the ambulance waiting in the driveway.

One of the lights hit Bryant's face as they carried him away and Molly gasped in horror as she saw it. His eyes were wide open and empty of all light, staring at her, as if accusing her. She screamed, turning around and slamming her hands over her eyes.

I killed him. I killed him.

I killed him.

Molly could feel her throat tighten at the memory and let out her last breath. That's right, it was her fault that Bryant had died. Maybe it was fate that she was going to die like this. Maybe this was the only way she could atone for her sins. A life for a life. Accepting the irony, Molly felt the water fill her throat and gave in to unconsciousness, letting the darkness envelop her mind. Her last thought was of her only regret.

Even though she was afraid of it, even though she had denied it, she still found herself wishing that she could have fallen in love…