Chapter 56
Unusually, it was Louisa who awoke first. She turned and looked at this man who could be infuriating one minute and utterly beguiling the next. He'd certainly gone the extra mile last night to make sure she had been fully satisfied. Perhaps she should leave talking, and let him work out whatever it was which had upset him? She leaned across and kissed his cheek before getting out of bed.
Showered and dressed she went downstairs to start breakfast.
Martin came in as she was setting out boiled eggs with soldiers. He smiled as he walked around the table to embrace her. "Morning, and how are you today?"
She smiled up at him and said, "Replete."
His eyes crinkled at her response. "Me too, thank you."
"Come on, get on with breakfast, or it'll be cold." She ushered him towards his chair and began pouring his espresso, and her own tea. "By the way, when you're ready to talk, I'll be available to listen." She then sat down and began to eat her own breakfast.
He sat there in silence, not knowing whether to acknowledge what she'd said, or ignore it. Instead he went to his standby, "Hm."
"I've made a list out of the food I'll be cooking on Sunday. Would you have a glance at it at lunch time and jot down anything extra I've missed? I'll leave it on the table here."
He then remembered that the Parsons were coming for lunch and said he would. "If I know you, it would probably make more sense to take things off the list rather than add to it!"
"Martin, don't spoil my fun! This is the first time I get to meet your friends properly, and I'd like to make a good impression. I don't want them thinking you've married the village idiot!"
His eyes opened wide at this and he realised that Louisa was nervous about Sunday. "Louisa, I married the village beauty. The fact that she is feisty and brainy, is an unexpected bonus!" He looked impishly at her to see what she'd make of that.
She smiled and said, "Well, you know what I mean. They think very highly of you, and I would like them to include me, as well."
He reached over and patted her hand. "You have nothing to fear on that score. In fact, I suspect it will be me who's put in the shade." He got up and collected the breakfast dishes before putting them in the sink.
Louisa went upstairs to put her make-up on and get ready for her day.
Martin moved to the surgery after calling goodbye, up the stairs. Her reciprocal answer followed him out.
Both of them had mundane days and both were glad to get back home.
Louisa had looked at the list she left for him, but couldn't see any changes. She was pleased by this, as she felt sure he would have deleted anything he didn't think was "optimally nutritious."
She prepared the veg and got them ready to go into the oven. They would accompany the cod mornay she'd decided they'd have. Louisa thought she'd better have a rest and sat down with her book.
Martin came in from the surgery and only had time to wash his hands before tea was on the table. "This looks good. I'm ready for it, as well!"
"I'm glad that you haven't made any alterations to the list, Martin."
"No, it was fine. All aspects were covered and I think the Parsons will enjoy it."
"I know we aren't having any alcohol, but do you think Carol would like some wine?"
"I can get some chardonnay and put it in the fridge. We can open it if she wants any. Chris as well, obviously."
Louisa nodded. "Yes, that should be OK. Are you going to shop with me on Saturday afternoon?"
"Providing I'm not called out; I don't see why not. Would you like to go to Wadebridge for a wider selection?"
"That would be good, Martin. I've booked an appointment with Julie, who does my hair. She'll do it Saturday morning, while you're at work."
"Ah, rationalising the time. Good thinking." His eyes twinkled at her.
Seeing that he wasn't inclined to talk about the previous day's incident, she got out her marking and told him she'd be busy for an hour or so.
"Right, I'll go and read my BMJ's in the study. See you later." He left and Louisa felt oddly let down at his continued silence.
Once seated behind his desk, Martin was conscious of again failing to include her in his emotions. How much longer would she put up with being shut out? She hadn't questioned him, but he knew from previous incidents that she hadn't forgotten, either. He sat, gazing at the opposite wall, and tried to make sense of what he'd felt yesterday.
The frustration he'd felt when he knew there was nothing he could do, to stop his patient from dying. Watching her husband's evident grief had torn at him as he felt he'd react the same, were it Louisa. Regret and despair had hit him like an avalanche as he'd sat in the car. He always fought so tenaciously for all his patients, even the most irritating ones, that he felt he'd failed them totally if they did not respond to treatment, and ultimately died. He felt responsible for not doing enough. Was that an acceptable thought to have, or was he simply taking too much on himself? After dealing with Bert and Malcolm Raynor to then have another potential cancer patient present with her symptoms he had found extremely difficult. What if he couldn't do anything for her either? How would he cope with that?
To some extent, Louisa was right. He needed to talk to someone, but he didn't want to burden her in her current pregnant state. Talking to a counsellor was one option, but he shrank from it as he was repulsed by the idea of baring his soul to another medical professional.
He continued to sit and stare at the wall. Eventually a ripple of a conversation went through his mind. Who was speaking? Then he recalled the context. Reverend Paul Clarke had told him that he was available should Martin need to talk about anything. Would that be better than talking to a counsellor? From the little he knew about vicars they didn't reveal anything about consultations, either. Very much like doctors didn't. It wouldn't be flagged up as a medical problem, and he would be talking to someone. Would he be able to speak to Paul and open up, or would his inherent reluctance prevent him from speaking?
Sighing, he opened his computer and looked for the vicar's phone number.
The phone was answered on the third ring. "Paul Clarke. Who's calling?"
Jumping in with both feet he said "Ah, this is Martin Ellingham, Reverend Clarke."
"Hello, Martin, good to hear from you again. How's married life treating you?" Reverend Clarke asked jovially.
"Fine, er good actually. However it isn't about my marriage that I'm calling you. You told me that you could listen, if I had a problem?"
"Yes, of course. Do you want to come and see me, or should I come to the surgery?"
"I'd prefer to come to you, and I'd also like our conversations to be very confidential."
They arranged for Martin to come on Thursday morning at 10:00.
In the surgery Martin cleared his schedule for Thursday morning after running the gauntlet of questions from the ever-nosey Pauline.
The rest of his working hours were mainly mundane with a few call outs to hypochondriacs who wouldn't come in to see him. "Waste of my time." Was muttered on several occasions as he re-entered the surgery.
Louisa remained concerned for him, but didn't push him to explain his actions, or feelings. Consequently things were a little strained between them.
Martin presented himself at the vicarage at the appointed hour. Paul answered the door himself and they shook hands, before Paul ushered Martin through to his study.
"Welcome, can I offer you a tea or coffee?"
"Er, no thanks, but could I have a glass of water, please?" Martin was nervous and wanted a little time to settle himself.
Paul brought the water and gestured for Martin to sit down. "So, how have you been since we last met?"
"In health, very good. The usual aches and pains occasionally, but nothing untoward. Yourself?"
"Yes, I've been fine. I take it that you have been having some other problems? Would you like to tell me about them, and do you want me to ask questions, or do you just want to speak about things yourself?" Paul offered Martin the chance to direct the conversation himself.
"I'll talk for a while, which is not something I normally do, but in this instance, I feel I have to."
Paul sat back in his seat and waited for Martin to begin.
Martin leaned forward and wrung his hands together as though gathering his courage. "After we got married, Louisa and I had some time away on honeymoon. We went to a cottage in Luxulyan which was far enough away so as not to meet anyone we know, but close enough not to take a lot of travelling time out of our holiday."
Paul nodded. "I've heard that the area is quite peaceful."
Martin went on, "When we returned, I felt a lot more relaxed than I have over the last few years. As I think we mentioned we'd had a lot of difficulties getting together, even though we both love one another. We'd been home a few weeks when Louisa asked for a pregnancy test, which proved positive. The baby is due in July."
Paul interrupted to say "Congratulations, and how do you feel about it?"
Martin took a drink and tried to marshal his thoughts. "This is where my difficulties lie. I have spent the majority of my life, basically on my own. My parents didn't want me around and put me in boarding school, while for the summer holidays I was sent to live with my Auntie Joan and Uncle Phil on their farm near Portwenn. When I was old enough, I moved out to student accommodation and began studying for a career in medicine. Surgery actually."
Paul sat listening. He'd listened to quite a few people over the course of his career and he could tell that this synopsis was not the full story. He said, "Go on.."
"I studied hard, to the exclusion of almost everything else and obtained top marks in my examinations. I chose to go to St Thomas' Hospital to be a surgeon. Again, I eventually rose through the ranks and was appointed Chief of Vascular Surgery, there. The youngest Chief they've ever had. About four years ago I developed haemophobia, which now means I get sick at the sight and smell of blood. I had to stop being a surgeon and find something else to do. Being a GP was my answer. I'm not exposed to so much blood and when I am, I just vomit and carry on."
Paul's eyes widened as he heard this. "This must have been a huge wrench, to leave your chosen path and move down here?"
Martin nodded. "I wasn't sure I'd done the right thing at all, but then I met Louisa, and she decided things for me. We took time to get together and I was so happy when we finally got married. Up until then I had thought I was destined to be a bachelor for the rest of my life."
Once started, Martin unravelled most of the rest of his story. Not everything though.
"My father belittled my abilities in general, and said I'd have to drug a woman to get her to stay with me. I am plagued with doubts as to whether I will be a good husband at all, given the example set by my parents. As if those doubts weren't enough, I'm now expected to be a father and I don't know if I can be, because I don't know how!" He sat back in his chair and looked despairingly at the floor, and then across to Paul.