Chapter 57

"Have you talked to Louisa about these thoughts? What does she say?"

Martin answered quietly, "Yes, she knows some of what has happened in the past, but she doesn't know everything. She's been doing her best to encourage me and give me help with regards to my parenting abilities. I feel that I don't deserve her, because she is so beautiful and kind. What does she see in me?" Martin addressed one of his own biggest fears.

Paul looked on with compassion as Martin's head tipped downwards.

"I think that, as she married you, she sees a kind, honest man who has had to overcome a lot in his life, and yet still manages to be one of the top doctors in Cornwall, if not the country. It seems to me that you are still carrying around the faulty judgement of your parents, as the yardstick by which you judge yourself. When you asked me to marry you, I did some checking, and I found out that both you and Louisa are highly respected individuals in your fields. Although I've heard it said you can be "rude" in your social interactions, your medical expertise is beyond reproach and lots of people have reason to be very grateful that you are their GP."

"Thank you, but that doesn't answer my question. I'm confused and don't really know which way to turn. Earlier this week one of my patients died and I diagnosed another with possible cancer later that same day. I had, what I suppose you might call, a 'mini-breakdown'. I went home, but Louisa had had a crap day herself and was keen to unburden herself of some of her frustrations. I kept quiet about my own day, not that I'm in the habit of talking about my patients, but later on I left the house without saying anything to her and went to my garden shed, before sitting on the seat and spending hours there, in a stupor.

My thoughts seem to go round and round until I 'freeze' and can't think anymore."

"Do you blame yourself, Martin, for the death of that patient or the illness of the other patient? You must have lost a number of them, over the years?"

"I don't know that I blame myself exactly, but I sometimes think, if only I'd seen this a little earlier, or if only that treatment had been available…"

"Have you ever heard this trite little saying, 'if wishes were horses, beggars would ride?' You cannot change what has happened, you can only go forwards from now with that little bit of new knowledge you have gained." Paul tried to give Martin a new slant to his thinking.

"I respect the fact that you, Martin, as a doctor, are conscious of the need for excellent care for your patients. From my point of view, you exemplify what it means to be such a person. However, one man cannot hope to bring every problem to a good conclusion, in his medical life."

"As you say, at the moment you don't know what it means to be a good husband. I would say that, that only happens at the end of your marriage. Such questions as , have I been loving, gentle, kind, supportive, encouraging of my partner will be answered then. Until then you are on the path to finding that out. Louisa loves you, Martin. As you are now. Not as a mannequin or an idealised person. She loves you wholeheartedly and has entered into marriage with you. A solemn promise, by any stretch of the imagination, and one I know she did not enter lightly."

Martin looked only slightly reassured by this.

"Martin, when you were setting out as a young adult, on the path to becoming a surgeon did you know how long it would take, and how many obstacles you would have to overcome?"

"I knew the length of the courses, yes, but I didn't realise just how hard it would be for me to get through them, first time. During those years my only thought was to attain the goal of each course until I was qualified. I've always been introverted and so eschewed social activities in the main, and confined myself to my studies."

"So no social activities? No going to the pub for a drink, or a laugh with your mates?" Paul was probing to see what else might be preventing Martin from enjoying his life.

"I did have an affair, with another med student. She was the first girl to even look at me, never mind go to bed with me." Martin looked at Paul to see if he was offended by the blunt description.

"Carry on Martin. I expected something along those lines from a healthy young man."

"She'd come on to me by saying she needed help with certain aspects of the course. I tutored her in that and before I knew where I was, she'd virtually moved into my flat and we were partners, literally. My friend Chris tried to warn me, but I thought he was jealous of my success with her. We were together until the course ended and I felt I was so in love with her. It didn't occur to me that she wasn't reciprocating my thoughts. Anyway, I asked her to marry me, she said she needed time to think, but she turned me down in front of all my parents' friends at their annual Christmas dinner.

I was crushed, I went on a three-day bender and it was only Chris, coming to find me, which enabled me to pull myself together. After that, I steered clear of entanglements. It seemed to me as though my father had been correct in his assessment."

Paul was careful not to let any trace of pity show in his voice, "I can see that this rebuff has hit you hard. You must not compare yourself now, to the youth you were then. Louisa is nothing like your former lover and it is unfair of you to project your disappointments of that time onto her, now."

Martin was quiet as he thought through what Paul had just said. Looked at in that light, he could see that he had indeed, been guilty of not fully trusting Louisa, because of his previous hurt and embarrassment. Could he now go towards fully trusting her and thereby remove one of his worries? The thought was tempting, but he knew he'd have to think more on this idea.

"Are you still in touch with your parents, Martin?" Paul felt sure he'd heard that there was an estrangement, but wanted to try and get Martin into a more positive frame of mind.

"No, they visited Portwenn about 18 months ago, and tried to force my Auntie Joan to relinquish my father's share of her farm to him. My father and she had inherited joint ownership but he told her she could keep it all, as he had investments and good prospects, he didn't need his share. Nearly 40 years later his investments failed and he fell back on obtaining his half. I sold my London flat and gave him that money. I then learned that my parents were going to divorce and the money would help with the process. At that time my mother told me she hadn't wanted me and had done her best to keep me out of her life by sending me to boarding school and then to Auntie Joan when it suited them. When I was with them, both of them punished me for the most minor infractions. My father used his belt, while my mother locked me in a cupboard under the stairs, as her form of punishment."

"Do you think that you would mirror that behaviour with your child?"

"No! I would never do that to a child." Martin bristled instantly and totally refuted the suggestion. He'd half risen to his feet, but sat back down and reiterated his statement in a less forceful manner.

"Well, it seems to me that you know how not to treat a child of your own. You should recognise the fact that it will be a learning process from day one. I'd like to say there was a strict formula for raising children, I'm sure there is many a parent who would like to know what that is! As far as I can advise you, it is to take it one day at a time. You won't be thrown into a swimming pool and told to swim!"

Martin looked up swiftly. "That's what Louisa said! Have you spoken to her?" he asked suspiciously.

"Not at all. It's a fairly common simile, so I didn't know you had heard it recently. It sounds to me that she has a sound head on her shoulders, to tell you that. Have you considered that Louisa might need support from you? She doesn't have any children of her own, does she?"

Martin shook his head. "No, this is the first for both of us. However she is a teacher and must know how to go on with our child?"

Paul smiled. "Again, having your own child to deal with, is totally different from dealing with a class of other people's children. She may relate quite well to a girl, where you might be even more at sea than if it is a boy. You both bring your expectations and previous experiences into the equation. I'm assuming that Louisa knows some of your misgivings?"

Martin nodded. "Yes, I've outlined my childhood to her, but not in too much detail."

"Well I know from personal experience that each child is different, and what worked with one, won't necessarily work with another. You should talk together about how you are going to raise it, and see where you concur, or disagree. It is vital that you present a united front to the child and that neither of you contradicts the other."

Martin heard a clock chime and looked at his watch, seeing that it was midday. They'd been talking for quite some time. "Thank you, Paul, for listening to me. I do feel a bit better from having discussed this with you. Would you be available next week so that I could talk a little more with you?"

Paul stood up and went to check his diary. "It would have to be a little later, if that's all right? Say 10:30?"

Martin was OK with that and the two men shook hands.

"Before you go, Martin, have you some ideas about exactly what you'd like to talk about? I think it would help you to list down some of the topics and then you might be clearer in your own mind as to where exactly to put the emphasis. I don't need to see your list, this is just for you to clarify things." He smiled and escorted Martin to the door.

Martin left, feeling somewhat lighter in spirit.