Chapter 58

All was quiet when he re-entered the surgery. Pauline must have gone out for lunch, and it didn't look as though Louisa was coming home either.

He got some cheese and an apple and made himself some coffee. Sitting down he pared the apple and nibbled on the cheese. He thought about what Paul had said to him. Was he guilty of using his parents' judgement of him as a yardstick for himself? He was still bothered by his father's belittlement of his surgical accomplishments and the outright contempt of his GP job. His mother had told him she couldn't wait to be rid of him and farmed him out to anyone who would take him. Did he expect Louisa to do the same when she became tired of him? No, he knew she wouldn't do that. He smiled to himself; she'd give me a bloody good telling off if I do something wrong.

Paul had said that he could only judge his attempts at being a good husband at the end of his life, not the beginning. Why was that? I'm certainly trying now to be a good husband, and Louisa isn't moving out, nor is she arguing with me all the time. Sure they had their differences, (chalk and cheese, Auntie Joan had called them) but they talked about things now and tried to resolve their contretemps amicably. Neither of them walked out on the other, but both tried to explain quietly where their expectations lay.

Martin thought that discussing beforehand what their assumptions were for raising Junior, was a very good idea. I'm not sure that the local school is the right environment for our child. Perhaps I should say that I want Junior to go to a boarding school where a top-notch education would be offered? He then pictured his lonely, miserable self at the school he was sent to, coupled with Louisa's wrath at the denigration of Portwenn's primary school and knew that he would only have a life worth living, if he didn't rattle Louisa's cage. Self-preservation, Martin!

His thoughts then entered his most feared vision of the future. How would he discipline their child? Never in a million years could he envisage raising a hand to the child, much less actually hitting it with a belt! Again he thought that Louisa would give him the benefit of something more than a tongue-lashing if he expressed a wish to do that.

That still left the thorny problem of how exactly to get the child to do what it was told. I'm sure Louisa will have some ideas on this, he thought to himself.

He finished his lunch and mechanically washed his cup and plate. The front door slammed open and the clip-clopping sounds of Pauline's shoes heralded her arrival.

He went through to the surgery to wait for the first afternoon patient. It was back to the usual humdrum routine, colds, headaches, sprained limbs or sicknotes. He was glad when the last patient left.

Louisa's day had been routine as well. All the children had behaved themselves and done everything asked of them, first time, without too much moaning!

Mr Wallace had dropped in to see how she was coping in view of her pregnancy and with some of the curriculum changes which had been sent down by the Education Committee. Louisa was able to say that her health was excellent, and by discussing the changes with a few other members of staff had come up with plans to incorporate the changes into the timetable without too much disruption.

"Mr Wallace, our classroom computers have not been updated in quite a while now, is there any prospect of new ones in next year's budget?"

"Sorry, Louisa. That particular concern hasn't been addressed as far as I'm aware. We will be getting some new sports equipment and some new tables and chairs for the dining room."

Louisa shrugged her shoulders at the news. "There's always next year, I suppose."

"Look on the bright side, Louisa. If we do get any new hardware, at least you won't have to install it!" Mr Wallace laughed and Louisa realised she'd be away for a whole school year, if Junior arrived at the expected time, that is. After Mr Wallace left, she felt quite depressed at the thought of not being involved next year.

She trudged home, without her usual happy demeanour in evidence. Entering the kitchen she found Martin enjoying a cup of tea. "Hello, you on your break?" she leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"What's the matter? You don't look too happy?" Martin was quick to notice her unhappy disposition.

She frowned, "I'm allowed moods you know! I don't have to be Mrs Sunshine every day!"

Martin held his hands up in mock surrender. "Sorry, I thought I might be of some help, but I see going back to work will help the most." He picked up his cup, rinsed it and put it in the dishwasher. He was about to leave for the surgery when he glanced back at her and saw a teardrop rolling down her cheek. Two quick steps brought him close enough to envelop her in his arms, and hug her close.

They stood like that for a couple of minutes and he stroked her face, before placing a chaste kiss on her forehead.

She looked up at him in mute apology and he said, "I'll talk later, when we won't be interrupted, all right?"

She smiled weakly, and accepted his words quietly. "I think I'll go and have a lie down. I seem to need a reset of my emotions."

Martin watched her go upstairs and sighed. If only she wouldn't try and be all things to everyone!

After an hour's sleep Louisa woke up in a better frame of mind. She used the bathroom, splashing cold water on her face and then went down to start dinner. Shortly after their meal was prepared, Martin put in an appearance and seeing that she was in a lighter mood, went upstairs to freshen himself up.

They ate their meal in relative silence and took drinks across to the couch. "I'm sorry for my bad mood, earlier, Martin. Mr Wallace, the new Head came in to find out how I was coping. We talked and he mentioned that the school would not be getting new computers. When I expressed disappointment with that news, he told me to cheer up as if we did, I wouldn't have to set them up! That's when it hit me again that I would be away for a whole year." She got tears in her eyes again, as she said this.

Martin put his hand over hers, squeezing gently, "I know it's a big wrench for you not to be involved with school, but you will be involved in looking after Junior. Surely that prospect lights the way forward?"

Louisa thought about that for a moment and then gave a watery smile. "You're right, as usual. It's just that I've been there for so long, I don't want to let go. I'm a bit scared of leaving my comfort zone for something unknown," she explained.

Martin was taken aback. Louisa was frightened of being a mother? Was she having doubts, too? "Louisa, I think you will be a wonderful mother. I've said this to you before. Much better than I think I will be, as a father." He tilted his head downwards and she could see his sudden anxiety.

After a short interval he took the plunge and said, "I went to see Reverend Clarke, this morning. After the episode I had earlier in the week I had to talk to someone." As she tried to protest, he held his hand up to silence her.

"Louisa, I know you think I should talk to you, but I don't want to burden you further with my insecurities. I need to be clear in my own mind where I'm at with my thoughts, as they are very muddled at the moment." He looked at her, pleading for understanding.

"Is that why you left the other night, to go and think?" she asked him gently.

"Yes. That night I'd brought myself to a standstill with my thoughts about several matters, to do with you and Junior. Also I was upset when I'd had such a difficult day with my patients. Each train of thought led me to go around and around in circles until I was at a standstill. You have enough to contend with at the moment with your own mood swings and fears for the future."

"When I talked to Paul, he listened non-judgementally, and offered a few of his own thoughts to me, but not in a hectoring way. What he said gave me a way of looking at my past which was not as frightening as I've always found it."

Louisa listened, and asked "What did he say, then?"

"Paul told me that I was using my parents' flawed thinking as a false yardstick by which to judge myself. I've never thought that about the whole situation. I can see now that he was right. I've always assumed that my parents were correct and that I was weak, needy and pathetic."

Louisa put her hand up to his face, "Martin, he was definitely correct. I see you as a fine, upstanding, professional man. One whom I am proud to call my husband. There is nothing weak, or needy about you. When I think of everything you've endured and surmounted throughout your life, I'm a little bit awed, to tell you the truth. I don't think I would have survived and prospered at all."

Martin looked astonished at these thoughts. "I've been worried about being a good husband, but Paul said that that was something I'd only know at the end of our lives. Each day would build up into a picture, and I guess he meant that each day should be a pixel on the road to making that picture."

She was delighted that he was beginning to realise that his parents were not the best judges of him at all. "Joan would agree with you there. She told me that she and Phil wanted to have you stay with them all the time, but your father wouldn't hear of it."

"Yes – she's told me that, but I didn't really understand what the ramifications of that were. I thought more that my nasty parents didn't love me, than I understood that Joan and Phil, did."

"Oh Martin," was all Louisa could say.

They sat quietly for a while, each lost in their own thoughts. Then Louisa turned and looked at Martin. "You've been very open with me about what your parents did to you, and your rotten schooldays. I haven't been quite as open with you."

Martin looked at her in puzzlement. "You told me about your mother leaving, and how your father wasn't very industrious. Is there more?"

She looked at him, would this make a difference to how he saw her? Taking her courage in both hands she began, "Remember our first date at the concert?"

He tried to divert the conversation away from that awful day. "No need to rehash old quarrels, Louisa.."

She put her hand on his. "No you don't understand. I want to explain why I reacted to your comment the way I did. After my mother left, my father tried to compensate for her disappearance and managed to find work. At first, he did well and there was a regular income from his wages, but gradually his 'pint down the pub' became more regular and the money was disappearing there and into the betting shop. Money for groceries, uniforms, shoes became scarce. Lunch money didn't materialise and I often took a few crusts in a box and pretended they were sandwiches, instead of getting a proper school dinner."

Martin could see that she was becoming distraught and so put his arm around her and held her close.

"Other things didn't happen when they should, either. Washing powder, soap, and shampoo weren't always there. I had to wash my clothes without the benefit of powder. Eventually they and I, began to smell and I was laughed at and called names. When you said 'urine-like' about my perfume, it was like I was 13 again and listening to the bullies mocking me." Tears were trickling down her cheeks.

Martin became very upset himself, at this. He knew what it was like to be bullied at school with, in his case, no-one to turn to. "Louisa, I'm so sorry, I didn't know.."

"Why should you have known? I can assure you it was not something I talked about at all. In fact, it was your Auntie Joan who collared my father and told him to buck his ideas up about looking after me, or she would go to Child Services and have me put into care!"

"Oh Louisa. I can see now, what made you so angry." He hung his head and thought how often, this sort of casual remark, caused so much anguish to the recipient, often to the bemusement of the speaker. "I take it that your father then did do a better job of looking after you?"

"Yes, it was much better after that. Not ideal, you understand, but I got more things for myself. Joan was instrumental in getting me school clothes from cast-offs of older children, even some casual clothes came my way. She also got the local knitting club to make jumpers which were given to other children like me, in the village."

Martin took out his handkerchief and wiped away the tears. "This is why you want to be independent, isn't it? So you don't rely on anyone else?"

She nodded, but then said "I want to trust you, Martin, but up to now, the thought of your leaving me fills me with such dread that I feel I need my own income. This is why it has been so hard to relinquish my job. Not just the fact that I'll miss a year of school, but it lessens my independence, and that frightens me."

He was quiet for a while as he mulled over what she had divulged. He knew that for her to have told him even that much, had taken a huge amount of courage, and belief in him. He hugged her to comfort her. "Thank you for telling me this. I want to take some of that worry away for you, but I don't want you to think I'm making you 'a kept woman'. Would it help if you set up your own savings bank account and I put money in on a regular basis? Separate from the housekeeping account, and money which would be just for you. Not for Junior either?" he looked at her as she fought back her instant impulse to refuse his offer. "Without boasting about it, I earn enough to do that, and want to do it to ease any lingering fears you may have." He explained.

"Thank you, Martin, but I do get maternity pay during my leave and will be saving some, and contributing to the house myself. I wanted you to understand my perspective on that wretched date night. I'm sorry I acted as I did, because I could see how much I'd upset you, with telling you to go away." Louisa turned teary eyes up to his and they pleaded for forgiveness.

He smiled down at her. "You know, if you hadn't done that, I might still be waiting to ask you to be my wife. I've been frightened too. Scared you would walk away from me, or been taken by a more suitable man. Someone who would be better for you than I could be."

Louisa leaned into him. "There will never be anyone like you. I love you so much, just as you are. It's not all banter when I call you my Handsome Prince, you know."

His blue eyes sparkled as he took in her fragility and her obvious comeliness. "I love you, Beauty" Was his answer.

Deciding they had done enough soul-baring they each went and set about preparing for bed.

When they were finally in bed, Louisa turned to Martin to snuggle in as she normally did, only to find she was a bit further away from him. She laughed, "Junior is beginning to make his presence more obvious, Martin. Won't be long before I'm waddling about like a whale!"

Martin brushed aside her hair and told her, "You will never be that, Louisa. Pregnancy becomes you. I've never seen anyone else who glows the way you do, when nearly six months gone."

She took his hand and placed it on her distended abdomen. "Junior's not done any more of that moving, either with their nails or with the legs, at least not that I've felt it."

His fingers stroked across her belly and then proceeded to wander. He pulled her closer and sighed, contentedly, before kissing her gently.